THE MAGNIFICENT TALE OF THE BALDS
CHAPTER 11: THE WALK TO LONDON
Bald Leon had been walking for over 2 days. He did not quite know the way to London, and couldn't understand road signs, so when he had been walking down the motorway and found a sign that said he had to turn left to get to London, he had turned 90 degrees on the spot and began to go left, instead of following the slipway off of the motorway to the left. Bald Leon had found himself in a thick forest, well off of the beaten track where very few people often go. the plant life and foliage were so overgrown it was crawling up the trees, and there was an eerie silence due to the lack of animals and humans alike. the trees were huge and with a very thick canopy, it was hard for the light to pass through meaning that the area was shrouded in darkness. Bald Leon came to a small river in the forest, too wide to wade through, so he began to walk along with it, hoping to find a bridge of sorts. Eventually, he came across an old grey stone bridge, and upon the bridge was a man wearing a full suit of silver knights armour, complete with weaponry.
"HOOOOLD" ordered the Guard, pulling his sword from its sheath and pointing it towards the approaching Bald Leon. "why do you wish to cross my bridge" questioned the Guard.
"Secret state business," stated Bald Leon.
"State your business then I may, or may not, allow you to cross" responded the Guard
Bald Leon sighed before reluctantly answering "I'm walking to London"
"Why?" Questioned the Guard.
"I'm on an important mission to prove my worthiness of this here blade”
Bald Leon removed the sword from its sheath, showing it off to the guard.
"Beauty ain't she".
The guard stared at Bald Leon, before jumping back in shock, dropping his own sword.
"Wait a minute I've heard about you. YOUR BALD LEON! YOU'RE GOING TO TRY AND KILL JULIAN ALATOSH!" The Guard shouted.
"If you try to stop me I wouldn't refuse a duel" threatened Bald Leon, wrapping his hands around his sword in preparation.
"Duel you? Are you kidding? I want to join you!" shouted the guard with glee.
The Guard removed all of his shining Knight's armour, revealing that underneath he was wearing a traditional Chav uniform, a Black Adidas tracksuit, complete with airforce ones. Once he had removed the full suit, he began to somehow spin around on the spot without even moving his feet, before coming to a stop and giving Bald Leon a smile.
"Slider Johnson is my name, stabbing wankers is my game. Don't worry about that whole knight's armour thing, I was on a bender with my mates and got lost, found that armour to try scare people and lift their wallets haha" laughed Slider.
"Nice to meet you Slider. I wouldn't mind someone to keep me company actually. I had to leave my other friend's Bald Ben and Gerkin, oh and what's his name... Bald Jack! Yeah, I had to leave them back home to come on this journey because they kept getting in my way. So you can come with me to London, but only if you can watch my back" offered Bald Leon
“Sound mate. Let's get going” replied Slider
“How about a song?” asked Bald Leon
Bald Leon began to hum the tune of “we're off to see the wizard” from the Wizard of Oz before breaking out into song.
"I’m off to see Julian, and I’m gonna cut off his head! I’m off to see Julian, and very soon he will be dead, we will visit him and cut off his head and dance around oh what fun. I can't wait to be worthy foooooooooor thiiiiiis swooooooorrrrrddddd. Hahahahahahhahaha"
Slider and Bald Leon sang their merry tunes as they travelled South, With Bald Leon's strength, and Slider's ability to read maps, they were an unstoppable force and right back on track to get to London. They soon found the motorway again and began to follow it towards London, They walked for many days alongside the hard shoulder of the motorway, stopping at each service station to steal some crisps and drinks, before running back down the motorway again to getaway. As they got into the south of the country, they came across an old, decrepit building.
Slider was the first to see the building, and he shouted to Bald Leon "Hey look, an abandoned house"
The house was an old Manor house with boarded-up windows and a very untamed garden. The pair hoped the metal fence to get onto the property and moved through the thick overgrown grass towards the house. Bald Leon looked at his feet and saw a small rock, which he picked up and threw at the closest window on the house. The glass shattered, and Bald Leon had thrown the rock with such speed and accuracy that the entire window fell in leaving no glass around the edges. The pair approached the window and climbed inside with ease, and when they touched the ground on the inside of the house, they found it to be crawling with insects.
"nahhhh this is madddd" Slider said into his phone for his Snapchat audience.
"We should camp here for the night, It's getting late. Man-eating badgers come out at night and we don't want to run into any of those while we're travelling" Bald Leon said fearfully.
Bald Leon and Slider both chose a room to sleep in for the night. Bald Leon chose the master bedroom, which was an elaborate room with a 4-poster bed, high ceilings and its own en-suite. Slider was left with one of the smaller guest bedrooms, which had a single bed. Bald Leon was marvelling at his bedroom for the night and pulled back the covers on the bed. He found the decaying skeleton of what must have been the lady of the house. Bald Leon stared into the bone that was once her eyes, staring into the black void of her skull. Once he got bored of the unwinnable staring contest, he grabbed the skeleton by the ankle and slung it into the fireplace.
"There's no firewood or coal in this place, bones will do just fine as fuel," Said Bald Leon
"umm ok" replied a very uncomfortable Slider.
Bald Leon got into the now-empty bed and pulled a nightcap from his pocket. Slider pulled up a dusty armchair to the foot of the bed and sat down. The pair decided that this would be the perfect opportunity to plan their next moves and get to know each other better.
"So where are you from?" Questioned slider.
"I'm from a central Pangea. but I hear it's gone now. Millions of years ago. The trees were lush and it was as if they could reach the stars themselves. and there were creatures that lived only there and are now extinct"
"Where was it?" Slider questioned.
"Here," said Bald Leon.
Slider looked around confused.
"Central Pangea wasn't destroyed. It was lost. Over time the continents split up, forming what you now see as Earth. Europe is the closest place to where Central Pangea was. There's no way I'd ever be able to find my original home, the world is just too different now” explained Bald Leon.
"Wait so you mean like you're older than like the dinosaurs or like sliced bread?" Questioned Slider
"No of course not, I'm from caveman times, the dinosaurs were gone long before me"
"well, how the hell are you alive? Caveman times was like 90 years ago or maybe even more! You should be in an old people's home or something, and you dont look a day over 40"
“Thank you, I have a good skincare routine, but no, I was trapped in ice during caveman times, apparently well before the continents broke up. that's how I'm here today”
“Wait... YOU'RE THE ICEMAN” shouted Slider in shock
"Yes... I was. They found me in the River Mersey in a block of ice. That's where I first met Violin Man, He was the first face I saw in this time actually"
"Well they say that when they pulled you out of the ice you had that suit on you're wearing now, you seem to know loads about modern technology as well, but if you're a caveman, how's that possible?"
"I'm the first human, well technically not human, I'm a bald. But I'm the first hairless humanoid to roam this planet. You know I'm over 200,000 years old? And for almost every single one of those years, I was alone on this planet. It took centuries for the apes to evolve into you lot, and by then I had technology beyond anything that even exists today, it took my millennia to make it all, I had machines that could level mountains and part the oceans, and I did all that before man used two legs. I'm only like this cause my dad is 'The Master'. He's basically what humans would call god"
"your dad is a god?"
"No, not A god. THE god. My dad is the one who created this universe, He's sound though, to be honest, everyone thinks he's meant to be this serious, stoic deity, but he's a laugh really. I haven't really spoken to him since I come out of the ice, he hardly spends any time here anymore, I feel like he doesn't give a shit about earth anymore. Maybe it's cause dad CAN'T interfere. Maybe that's why I came out of the ice when I did and it's my destiny to kill Violin Man alone. Or... Maybe Violin Man is meant to kill me. Either way, destiny always takes its course"
"Wow." said an amazed Slider, still unsure if he should believe the story or not.
"So how do you know about that mess with Rahabbi?" Questioned Bald Leon.
"I love a good scrap like, and anyone who says swords aren't sick is a fucking liar. I try and follow any and all streamed fights, so when I heard that there had been a battle where some guy was using a sword, and the other guy was using a Violin AND won, you can bet I was interested. When I looked into it and it turned out that Alatosh's son was using his dad's name for fame I was disgusted. Julian uses his family name and his dad's name just for profit, and he's nowhere near as good a warrior. He can't be allowed to do it, he has to die" Slider explained while getting emotional.
"We will get him, lad, don't you worry," said Bald Leon.
"I hope so, I really do," says Slider.
"Right. I'm going to bed now Slider. Do one, go on. Fuck Off" Bald Leon said angrily for no reason.
Slider went to his room for the night and went to sleep. Bald Leon lay down awake for a little while longer, thinking about his life and what it meant. He truly was a man out of time, and the only reason that he was conscious right now was that one of his greatest enemies tried to kill him when he happened to be dredged up. He knew that The Master must have had something to do with him being discovered when he was, but why? What was his purpose? He eventually fell asleep dwelling on these thoughts before snapping awake at 6AM. He got out of bed and put his head out of the window to hear a cockerel making its morning call.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP" He screamed at the cockerel, before grabbing the smouldering skull of the houses previous resident from the fireplace, and launching it at the cockerel standing on the fence. He hit the cockerel with such a force that it burst into a cloud of feathers.
Bald Leon made a sigh of relief and did his morning stretch. He kicked the door open to Slider's room to wake him up.
"Wake up Slider. Come on GET UP! We're halfway to London. If we go now we will make good time," persuaded Bald Leon
"ughhhhhhhhh fineee. I've literally never been up this early, not even to go jobcentre, this is bollock" Whined Slider.
Slider slid out of bed like a poorly rendered 3D graphic, sliding as if he were made of fluid. He then stood upright and put his signature hat on. He and Bald Leon left the old manor that had been their home for the night and headed back towards the motorway. They got to the hard shoulder and climbed over the barrier, forcing a car to brake hard. They kept walking across the lanes until they were in the middle of the motorway and had brought all of the carriageways to a near standstill. They stood for several minutes not moving at all, arguing over which direction London actually was, before setting off in the right direction. The resulting traffic Jam would last for several days and would put the efforts of insulate Britain to shame.
After walking for several hours, Bald Leon decided it would be a good time to check on their progress. He shoved his hand into his breast pocket and rummaged around. He eventually pulled out a map of Britain. He and Slider sat down and spread it out to its fullest across the road, angering the motorists further, but they simply ignored their gripes. Bald Leon's map showed the whole of the UK, and he and Slider had unfolded it to include Scotland and Ireland, even though they were nowhere near those places so it was pointless to open it this much. It took them several minutes to find the area that they should be in.
"So we are near Birmingham now according to that sign and this map. We will go down through the country lane here because Birmingham is a shithole. It'll add a few hours to the journey but I think it's worth it" said Bald Leon while pointing at the map.
“Agreed” said slider, never wanting to set foot in Birmingham.
They collected the map back together and folded it back up into its original square. As they began to walk to the side of the motorway to get off at the slip lane, cheers could be heard from the motorists who had been stuck in traffic for several hours, Bald Leon turned to them and took a bow, unsure of why they were cheering, but happy to receive the compliment.
The duo walked down the country lane at double speed, especially while they were going past the Birmingham area, just in case someone somehow forced them to go to Birmingham, but eventually, they were in the clear. They walked and they walked for over 100 miles until finally, they could see it. The London city limits came into view over the horizon.
"30 More Miles now Slider. Almost there" Said Bald Leon
"yippee," said a tired a weary Slider, sarcastically.
As the pair walked towards the city limits they passed a huge grey government-owned building with 12ft high stone walls with barbwire on the top. This wasn't any building. This was the prison that housed the UK's most dangerous criminals. Murderers, people who litter, terrorists, madmen, and a short Bald Man who had been wrongfully incarcerated for a crime he didn't commit.
A man who now went by the name Of Bald Jack...
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