The Tale of Mitch Connor: Chapter 1 - It's Over
The man's name was Mitch Connor.
Mitch stood atop a mountain of the dead, looking for his next target, but as he stood, A huge explosion destroyed the pile of superhuman chefs beneath him, he flew through the air, tumbling to the ground. As he helped himself to his feet, he was joined by his closest allies, four other chefs, Si, Book, Tye and Reyna and when they fought together, they were known as the Fumin' five. The team battled the endless horde of chefs, fighting together with their knives, fists and teeth, doing anything they could to hold off the undefeatable swarm of the Nazi chefs sent by the UN4 with the goal of reclaiming the city and more importantly, stealing the fabled filleting knife of Caviar, A knife so powerful and deadly it could cut the very universe in half with a single stroke. The blade had been gifted to Si for proving his worth as a warrior to The Master himself, the creator of all beings (not to be confused with the master's father "The Creator", who happened to be mates with Si).
The fumin' five began to be overwhelmed by the surrounding forces, with the team arranging themselves in a circle around the blade, protecting it from the savage chefs. Si looked at Mitch, his son, who he had grown proud of over the years, knowing what he had to do.
"Son, someone has to destroy the Golden Hispi Cabbage with the blade," he said in his gravely old man voice, "I think it should be you."
"Really?" Said a bewildered Mitch "Am I ready?"
"There's no time for these bloody cheesy end-of-movie moments! Chefs, we got a hoard coming our way and we need to get this hispi halved and the blade returned before we're all road kill" Says Book.
Mitch grabbed the knife and began to use it to cut through the horde, making his way towards the Cabbage on the other side of the battlefield, at the heart of the UN4 camp. The only thing that slowed him down was the bodies of his enemies falling at his feet. He reached the cabbage, and with a lucky clearing in the horde, he took the opportunity and chopped the golden hispi in half.
But nothing happened.
"Get a load of these guys" said the prime minister of Mozambique, who was fighting with UN4 for some reason.
A sudden bright light covered the whole city, as a wave of destruction started decimating everything in its way. When the smoke cleared, it was over. there wasn't a single sound of fighting, finally, there was peace.
People began to emerge from there trenches and the rubble, realising that victory had been attained. The people began to cheer for their heroes.
A man in the crowd began to shout "It's the 5! The Fumin 5 they saved the world!"
"No, it was all my son!" Corrected Si, winking at Mitch.
Mitch beamed with delight as he offered his father his blade back, but Si held up his hand in refusal, giving his son an admirable smile.
"It's yours now son"
"Dad that is so sound," Said Mitch in his pathetic scouse voice.
The crowd erupted into applause and lifted Mitch up onto their shoulders, cheering him on.
Mitch looked around in awe, finally accomplishing something in his life. He looked over the crowd, drinking in their praise, and listening to them shout.
"Mitch! Mitch! Mitch! Meetch! Meetch! Meep! Meep! Meep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!"
Mitch looked at the faces of the crowd which had all turned sullen and emotionless. He was confused and didn't know why they were beeping at him. But then the realisation hit him.
"Oh for fuck sake!"
He woke up in his bed, next to his wife, Reyna. She was a beautiful Greek girl, the same girl he had dreamt about in his fantasy dream that night. He was disappointed that his dream wasn't real, but now that he was thinking straight, he reflected on the life he DID have and he was pleased. He had a gorgeous wife, 2 children and a well-kept house.
He gazed over at the alarm clock and had a shocking realisation. It was already 10AM.
"Oh Fuck I'm late for work!"
Mitch got dressed and grabbed his skateboard, diving out the door. He kicked along the road and grabbed the back of a bus, using it to pull himself along, all the way to work, the famous Cheshire Hotel.
Mitch ran through the lobby and went straight upstairs to the events kitchen where he worked in solitude. He didn't need to change into his chef whites as he was already wearing them because he never takes them off.
He stepped into the kitchen, anxiously sweating in case somebody noticed he had arrived late, but as he opened the doors, he found that the kitchen was completely empty.
"Thank god," said Mitch, wiping away the cold sweat from his forehead.
He grabbed his favourite Liverpool FC-branded knives and checked the booking and orders log for that evening. His eyes popped out of his skull as a klaxon sound appeared to come from nowhere, as if he was a cartoon character.
The cause of his shock? an order for 60,000 people.
"How am I supposed to do all this myself and have it ready in 8 hours!" he shouted.
A crack of thunder rippled through the air as Ravens swarmed the kitchen and a lightning bolt slammed into the ground. Once the ravens dissipated, a cloaked figure stood in its place. The cloaked figure had a distinctive silhouette, his long curly grey hair, broad shoulders and of course, the legendary filleting knife of caviar sheathed upon his waist, the fresh smell of freshly washed cotton wows Mitch as he aggressively walks over to him.
"For fucks sake Mitch! You're 4 hours late and have god knows how many staff-. I mean really important celebrities you have to feed!" shouted Si
"Dad I'm sorry lad I overslept! I will get it done, but even if I did come on time how am I still supposed to prepare all this food? it's 20,000 orders! I know we've got powers and that, but that's not my forte'" Mitch explains.
Si walked off muttering under his breath "I will get you some fucking help and don't call me dad. You're the biggest waste of cum I've ever made".
"God he's so cool," said Mitch as he watched his father walk away.
A few hours later the door opened again, and a pale, skinny, bald, short man came in, completely covered in tattoos, and using a fake Yorkshire accent.
"Ello Mitch, I've cun to elp ye out" Said Bar, the chef sent to help Mitch.
"Fuck off bar I'm half done looks like your knife skills are mostly in the art of self-inflicted accidents".
"No need fur that m8. Si asked Book to ask Tye to then ask Chef Jack who also asked Chef Harry to then ask the kitchen porter Ben Stiller who also asked Krukbuk who then told me I gotta help u out or I'd be chucked in the cellar"
"To be fair with you bar, I wouldn't wish the cellar on my worst enemies. Just go and wash the dishes without drowning yourself you stupid twat"
The pair worked tirelessly as the hours ticked by, and despite the odds, the two chefs finally felt ready to feed the guests. The food got flung out of the kitchen and onto the pass at such a high pace the mere friction of passing the food through gave the waiters burns on their hands and on Mitch's arms. All was going well until a single mistake was made. A vegan had been admitted into the restaurant.
In his exhaustion, Mitch had overlooked that there was a vegan on the order sheet. This was bad, neither Mitch nor Bar had ever cooked a vegetable before. The two fumbled around for a while, first trying to put a whole potato in the air fryer, which just made it really hot but didn't cook it. The potato was entirely inedible. They next tried microwaving a carrot, but it exploded. They also tried cooking some peas, but boiling each pea individually was taking far too long. In the panic, Mitch for some reason decided to press the fire alarm, resulting in water spraying everything and flooding the kitchen.
Book entered the Kitchen and swiftly grabbed both Bar and Mitch with one hand, easily lifting them off of the ground.
"You have earned yourself time in the Cellar boys" Book said, laughing with half a cigar in his mouth.
"NO! OH MY GOD BOOK PLEASE NO! NOT THE CELLAR OH FUCK" begged Mitch, screaming in terror.
Bar couldn't even respond as they bounced between catatonic silence and endless tears. Mitch used all of his strength to try and punch book, but all attempts failed. Book stood at the top of the Cellar stairs, and threw the pair of failed chefs down the stairs, as they crashed through the doors, tumbling down into the cellar. Many know how dangerous the cellar is. The warning on the door even sends shivers down Si's spine, a man known for his courage.
"Beware of the cellar man."
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