THE MAGNIFICENT TALE OF THE BALDS
CHAPTER 10: THE LIFE OF BALD BEN
The trio arrived at the taxi depot and climbed into the first available cab.
"So how are you guys doing today?" asked the driver.
"Could be better. had a draw in my duel last night when I obviously won" remarked Bald Leon.
Bald Ben stared at the taxi driver before having an epiphany. “I remember you! You took us to the airport but kicked us out halfway!”
The taxi driver looks back at the two Balds before having an epiphany of his own.
“YOU'RE THE BASTARDS WHO WERE RACIST FOR NO REASON! Get the HELL out of my cab! NOW!”
All three got out.
"What are we gonna do now?" asked Gerkin, appalled by the actions of the two, but also so used to it that he knew there was no point in reacting.
They all stood for a while, unsure of their next actions.
"I have an idea," said Bald Leon.
Bald Leon pulled out his phone and ordered food from Deliveroo to where they were. After a minute, they felt a presence behind them, They turned around to see Bald Ollie holding the bottle of Mister Pepper that Bald Leon had ordered, and his other hand outstretched for a tip, Gerkin looked at Bald Leon, very impressed.
"Good idea!" said Gerkin.
Bald Ollie had arrived on a bicycle, so they all climbed onto it, leaving the seat empty for Bald Ollie. Bald Ben sat on the handlebars, Gerkin sat on Bald Bens head, and Bald Leon hung over the back wheel. Bald Leon opened the app and made a revision to their order, he wanted the delivery to be made to the airport now instead,
“On the count of three, close your eyes.” Bald Leon said “1, 2 3!”
As soon as they all close their eyes they felt the wind hit their faces at blistering speed, as Bald Ollie got back onto the bike and rode it to the airport 60 miles away in a mere 5 seconds. When they arrived and come to a sudden stop, Bald Ben fell off the bike, launching Gerkin into the air.
“The fuck was that?” questioned Bald Ben
“Me and Gerkin worked out he only moves when no one is looking, and he's well fast so I just got us to close our eyes so we couldn't see him” explained Bald Leon
Bald Ollie had got off of the bike and was once again holding out his hand for a tip, however this time instead of holding his hand out with the food, he was gripping Gerkin's throat Causing his eyes to bulge and his face to turn red.
"HELP ME GUYS HE GOT ME" screamed Gerkin.
"Ughhhh fine,” said Bald Leon. he opens his wallet and takes out a note with a picture of his own face on it. “Will 20 Jabawockies be enough?”
Bald Ollie said nothing and continued to stare out into the distance, Bald Leon placed the money into Bald Ollie's hand, and as Bald Leon blinks his hand had closed into a fist that was now by his side and he has loosened his grip on Gerkin allowing him to slip out and drop to the floor, gasping for air, barely conscious.
"Hurry up you hindrance, we have 2 hours to get through security," said Bald Ben.
"You.. you saved me... Thank you" says Gerkin, still struggling to breathe.
"Just don't talk about it," said Bald Leon, ashamed and disgusted that for once he actually helped a life instead of ruining it.
As the trio entered the airport they found it to be near empty, with a single ticket counter and security guard, with outdated technology. The Bald's had come so early in advance expecting tight security but finding it to be lacklustre, irresponsible and borderline dangerous, so they had plenty of time to browse the facilities of the airport. Bald Ben saw that the burger king had a very short queue so he got in line and when he got to the front, he only then begins to read the menu, complaining that it is too complicated to read in the foreign language, only to be informed by the work that it is also in English and that Bald Ben can simply not read. After half an hour of staring at the menu, Bald Ben came to his decision.
“Can I have one pizza please” Asked Bald Ben politely
“Sir, this is a burger king, we do not serve Pizza” replied the worker, who was considering calling security to make sure this man was mentally stable enough to fly.
“Ok then don't want anythin,” said Bald Ben before walking away from the 40-minute queue he created.
Bald Leon was busy in the toilets after he realised he hadn't had a shit since they left Manchester airport for the first time, and it had been several weeks. He managed to push out the gargantuan turd and attempted to flush it, only for it to inevitably clog the pipes, causing water to pour out onto the floor.
“Shoddy workmanship” Said Bald Leon to himself, displeased.
The tannoy announced that boarding for the flight had opened and that they could now approach the gate to get onto the plane. The Bald's boarded the near-empty plane, with the only other souls on the tiny aircraft being the pilot. They began the flight and as they get close to their destination they all gaze out of the windows.
"Ah that must be the famous Liverpool Bay," said Gerkin.
"Planes heading there really fast though," pointed out Bald Ben.
BOOM
The plane crashed into the cliffs, ripping off both of the wings as the fuselage collided with the ground. when the dust settled Gerkin and Bald Ben climbed out of their seats, trying to get their bearings.
"Wheres Bald Leon?!" Shouted Gerkin
The pilot cabins door swung open.
"How'd you like my landing lads," asked Bald Leo,n walking out the cockpit with no injuries.
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT WE COULD HAVE DIED" shouted Gerkin.
"Well, I remembered that when we left manchester airport me and the security guards had had a bit of a falling out because I give them the finger as we took off" explained Bald Leon.
“How would they know you did that if we were already on the plane?” asked Bald Ben
Bald Leon paused.
He attempts to speak but then stops himself again.
He frowns.
“Not sure really, couldn't take the chance though,” He said finally.
They began to walk back home, leaving the smoking wreckage behind. When they got to the first motorway, Bald Leon looked to Bald Ben and put his hand on his old friend's shoulder.
"So this is where we part ways," said Bald Leon.
"Why?" asked Bald Ben.
"I have to kill Julian Alatosh, the son of Rahabbi Alatosh to be worthy of my blade. If I'm worthy of wielding it, I might be able to Kill Violin Man with it. Julian is in London and I'm gonna walk because I haven't got any normal money, only rocks and stuff from my caveman wallet” explained Bald Leon
"Haha, sheep you're actually doing what someone tells you. Come on Gerkin your coming with me" said Bald Ben.
"Good. I was dreading that journey I just want to relax," said Gerkin.
Bald Ben and Gerkin got into a taxi while Bald Leon started his long trek to London. The pair were unsure when, or how, but they knew that they would meet again. Bald Ben and Gerkin finally arrived back at Bald Ben's home and got out of the taxi. They were instantly greeted by their annoyed neighbour Craig.
"Oh no your not back are you I was enjoying the peace and quiet," says Craig.
"You missed me really," said Bald Ben, leaning in to kiss Craig on the cheek, who just hurried inside.
"Who's that," says Gerkin.
"That's my friend Craig, he proves I'm not racist because he is black and my friend, which means I can't be racist" explained Bald Ben.
Bald Ben opens his door and announces he is home, his family ran to greet him crying and happy that he is back. However not everyone was crying, Bald Ben's father, Mr Choo, was furious.
"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!" Demanded Mr Choo
"I was playing out with Bald Leon," explained Bald Ben.
"IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR"
"Well time flies when you're having fun haha"
"YOU'RE GROUNDED FOR A YEAR IF YOU LEAVE THIS HOUSE WITHOUT OUR EXPRESS PERMISSION AGAIN YOU'RE NEVER COMING BACK" shouts Mr Choo
"Yeah whatever dad"
"WHY IS THAT MONKEY IN OUR HOUSE"
"This is a talking finger monkey called Gerkin. Bald Leon met him on an island when the plane crashed"
"Hey guys" Gerkin proclaimed, happy to make some friends.
All of Bald Ben's family began to freak out and his dad got a broom, but before he could hit Gerkin, Bald Ben grabbed him off of the floor.
"WAIT! If it wasn't for him ummm... you know I won't have a monkey friend" Bald Ben pleaded.
"If you want to keep that THING you get a job or you go back to school! you're useless!" shouted Mr Choo.
"Fine I will go to school when term starts"
Later that evening, Bald Ben and Gerkin finished eating dinner downstairs with the family
"Want to see my room?" asked Bald Ben.
"Sure thing," said Gerkin, "thank you for this lovely meal Mrs Choo, you don't get lasagna like this on north sentinel island haha"
"Why thank you Gerkin your very polite, unlike our son over there. he's in his 40s and has never had a job, while our other son who is 23 is a solicitor and our 25-year-old daughter here works as a waitress in my husband's restaurant" Said Mrs Choo.
"Don't talk to her Gerkin she's a bitch" Bald Ben instructed, before immediately standing up and running up the stairs to his room
"WHAT WAS THAT" Shouted Mrs Choo after him.
"Don't worry Mrs Choo, ill talk to him and have him apologise," said Gerkin.
"You're a good monkey Gerkin. and please, call me Caroline,"
Gerkin went upstairs and knocked on Bald Ben's door, he heard no reply but since Bald Ben had invited him anyway, he opened the door but was immediately hit by the stench seeping from Bald Ben's room. It smelled like sweaty socks mixed with out of date tuna and cat piss. Gerkin noticed that the room was filled with empty cans of beer, sweet wrappers and out of date mouldy food on plates stacked high. There was a vomit stain on the floor that looked like it had been there for years, and in the middle of this disgusting mess was Bald Ben, who was sitting down playing Call of Duty. Gerkin then had a very troubling thought, the room stank of cat piss, but Bald Ben didn't own a cat.
"Well come on, come in," beckoned Bald Ben whilst shoving his hand into a bag of Doritos, and sipping on a bottle of mountain dew. Gerkin stepped forward into the room and felt his skin crawl as his naked paw squelched and sank into the disgusting carpet. Gerkin had another look around the room to work out the sleeping arrangements. He noticed that Bald Ben used a hammock, and a feeling of dread overcame Gerkin as he realised he may have to sleep on the floor.
"Do you like my rig?" asked Bald Ben while showing off his high-end gaming PC. Gerkin looked at the keyboard and mouse on the desk and noticed that they were encrusted with a thick layer of Dorito crumbs, making it hard to even see the letters on each of the keys.
Bald Ben started shouting into his microphone at one of his competitors "Oh yeah? Well, guess what? you're never gonna get any pussy in your life. Girls don't care about nice guys like you. Just die already, you might retain her attention that way"
Bald Ben noticed that the player disconnected after Bald Ben's abuse and he whispered "perfect" to himself.
"that was a bit harsh don't you think?" asked Gerkin.
"Nah I only do it to nice guys who harass women, so when they realise that their life is meaningless, I get to hit on the women without there being any competition, I'm basically a more effective version of batman" explained Bald Ben
"for a moment I thought you were going to have some genuinely noble actions there, protecting women from 'nice guys' but no, you're doing it for your own advantage" Gerkin sighed
Bald Ben ignored Gerkin and began to hack his victims PC. He gained access to the victim's webcam and saw that he was lying face down on his floor, already dead. Ben then accessed the PC remotely and changed the desktop wallpaper to a picture of himself, then went onto YouTube and began to play Neil Diamonds Sweet Caroline at full volume. Bald Ben could hear the victims family shouting for their son to turn down the music, so he turned it up even louder. The door burst open just as the chorus began to play, and the victim's mother screamed before dropping to the floor, having fainted.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Bald Ben laughed.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU" shouted a disgusted Gerkin.
"What? He made fun of my K/D ratio" justified Bald Ben.
“WHAT THE FUCK” said Gerkin a second time “YOU MADE HIM FUCKING KILL HIMSELF AND THEN MADE HIS PARENTS COME AND DISCOVER HIM”
“It's alright he was a nice guy!” argued Bald Ben “he just harasses women online, do you not want women to be respected?"
"I don't want to be friends with you anymore. You're a sick person. you're gonna go to prison for this you know." said Gerkin.
"Nah it's fine, whenever the Police send someone round to bring me in for questioning I just pretend im not in so I get away with it"
"I'm leaving!" Shouted Gerkin
"Don't care, you'r gay".
A traumatised Gerkin went downstairs to leave. He was so traumatised he didn't even hear Bald Ben's parents talking to each other.
"Why not let him work at the restaurant?" asked Mrs Choo.
"He won't accept it. He is lazy and will be rude to customers," answered Mr Choo.
"Well why not get him to work in the kitchens?" begged Mrs Choo.
Mr Choo sighed "Fine. Tomorrow he can wash the dishes at the restaurant. If he can manage that, I will train him to become a chef. He is my boy. So if he doesn't choose a career, I'll give him one".
The next day Bald Ben was sleeping soundly in his Hammock. His father was standing over him, watching him sleep.
"WAKE UP" Shouted Mr Choo
Bald Ben didn't wake up. desperate measures were required, so Mr Choo brought in a bucket full of cold water and emptied it over Bald Ben. Bald Ben didn't even stir from his slumber. Mr Choo furiously shook the hammock from side to side and he still didn't wake up. Mr Choo looked to Bald Ben's PC, which was still turned on, he went to the back of the desk and pulled the plug out of the back. as soon as the plug pins left the wall, Bald Ben's eyes immediately snapped open.
"What are you doing! it was turned on, you could break it" shouted Bald Ben.
"You wouldn't wake up, I tried everything, but that isn't whats important now, LOOK AT THIS MESS, we've always respected your privacy in your own room, but that came with the condition that you kept it tidy".
"It's my own personal touch"
"Your cleaning this up after you get home from work"
"What you mean work?"
"Your working with me at my restaurant. I'm not having you sit on your computer all day playing games. you're 43 years old and it's time you earned your keep".
Bald Ben then got a quizzical look on his face. The sun was coming into his room at a strange angle. He looked at the clock and discovered it was midday.
"YOU WOKE ME UP AT 12 IN THE BLOODY AFTERNOON! THIS IS WAY TOO EARLY! THIS IS ABUSE!" Shouted Bald Ben.
Mr Choo ignored his waste of space son, "Get out of that dirty white shirt and cargo shorts and stop wearing flip flops everywhere, it is october for god's sake,"
He threw a set of Chef's whites at his son.
"Get ready quickly. work starts in half an hour"
after a while, Bald Ben came downstairs, dressed in his chef's whites. He and his father got into the car and began to drive to the restaurant. Bald Ben kept his arms crossed for the entire car ride. Regardless, his father was proud of his son for doing, SOMETHING.
"I'm glad your coming son," He said while looking at his son with a slight smile. Bald Ben just ignored him
"Please don't be rude to the chefs when you get there, they work hard, it's Friday so it's going to be really busy tonight so be quick ok?"
"Yeah whatever dad," said Bald Ben.
They pulled into the car park for the restaurant, David Choo's 5 star fine dining. The restaurant had an intercontinental menu, with items made from old Choo family recipes, to many other items that had been brought in or taught to the elite team of chefs that the Choo family had employed over the years.
"It's huge" said Bald Ben breaking his silence, marvelling at the huge building.
"Isn't it just. but we can't have a big restaurant of 500 tables with a small kitchen can we" chuckled Mr Choo.
The pair walked into the back of the restauraunt through the kitchen, where Bald Ben was introduced to the head chef. The Head chef put his hand out to shake Bald Ben's.
"Yalright mate, I'm the head chef, my name is Jared. what's your name?"
"My name's Bald Ben"
"Haha cause your Bald guessing your names Ben then"
Bald Ben stared at the man in confusion and slight disgust.
"No. My name isn't Ben. My full name is Bald Ben Choo" He explained
"Right so Bald is your first name and Ben is your middle name?"
"No my first name is Bald Ben my last name is Choo".
"Ah right my apologies. I will show you to your area I'm sure your dad is pretty busy". Jared was confused as to why his boss had named his son in such a strange way, but he was paid to much to ask that kind of question to his boss, so instead he asked Bald Ben.
"So why are you named Bald Ben if you don't mind me asking? I know you aren't the same ethnicity as you're parents so I guess you're adopted?"
"No, They're my birth parents. The doctors said I came out wrong, so instead of looking Asian like my Mum and Dad I've always looked like a fat middle aged white man. They say they named me Bald Ben because when they were writing the form they both blacked out and when they came back to consciousness the form had been filled out" explained Bald Ben
"Ohhhh I'm sorry to hear about that mate" Said Jared trying hard not to laugh. Jared and Bald Ben arrived at the big sink and small dishwasher that Bald Ben would be working at. Bald Ben looked it up and down in disgust and then chuckled.
"That's funny Jared where is my cooking quarters" said Bald Ben.
"Your not a chef mate, your dads brought you on to pick up the slack on the washing crew".
"Oh Yeah good one hahaha, now show me my cooking station"
"Listen right, I'm not here to argue with you, this is the job you've been assigned to. You get this done. You get your money" explained Jared.
"Could of said" Bald Ben said, reluctantly agreeing.
Bald Ben got to work, and he worked hard. After a whole 3 minutes of hard working however, Bald Ben was bored. Overtime, the dishes began to pile up higher and higher, and when the 8 hour mark passed, Bald Ben decided it was time to go home, just as the last clean plate left the kitchen
"WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE CLEAN DISHES. IS BALD BEN NOT DOING THEM OR SOMETHING! COME ON PEOPLE WE'VE GOT THE DINNER RUSH" Jared shouted.
A chef pointed to Bald Ben who was at the clocking in sheet, signing himself out for the day. Jared shouted to Bald Ben to get back to work.
"I've done 8 hours. Jared that's full time so see you tomorrow" said Bald Ben, stepping through the door.
"THAT'S NOT A FULL SHIFT HERE, WE DON'T LEAVE TILL THE LAST CUSTOMERS GONE, AND WE ARENT EVEN THROUGH THE DINNER RUSH, GET BACK TO WOR-" shouts Jared.
Bald Ben closed the door before Jared could even finish. He began to walk home, whistling to himself, as impatient customers began to pour from the restauraunt, unhappy with the time it was taking for their food to arrive. When Bald Ben got home, he was greeted by his sister, Lisa, who was sat on the couch.
"Why are you out so early?" she asked.
"Done 8 hours, that's a full shift for me" explained Bald Ben.
"Bald Ben that's not how it works in restaurants. The hours are really long. You have to go back they are probably in the midst of the dinner rush" she explained.
"Naaah cant be arsed. its 9 been up since 12 this afternoon, absolutely shattered" said Bald Ben.
Bald Ben started to walk upstairs. While Lisa and Bald Ben had been talking, their brother Stephen had entered the room and sat down.
"You've always been a lazy prick" said Stephen.
"What was that Stephen?" asked Bald Ben looking at him behind his shoulder.
"I said you have always been a lazy prick. This is the only day you have worked in your life and your acting like you've done loads and you only done 8 hours," said Stephen.
Bald Ben charged back down the stairs into the living room with his fist raised to punch his brother, but before he could, his mother and Lisa got between them.
"WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH STOP THIS NOW" Said Mrs Choo
"You always were a twat Stephen only say stuff when mum is around to protect you," shouted Bald Ben.
"Well at least I say stuff to peoples faces and don't just say shit online" Stephen shouted back.
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK" Screamed Bald Ben.
Mrs Choo slapped Bald Ben and then Stephen. Bald Ben stared at his mother as his lip began to quiver. He ran up the stairs and started to cry. When Bald Ben got to the top of the stairs he kicked open his room and found that it was in an immaculate condition, cleaned from top to bottom, absolutely spotless.
"WHY HAS MY ROOM BEEN CLEANED" Bald Ben shouted downstairs.
Lisa came up the stairs and into Bald Ben's room.
"I thought it would be a nice reward since you have your first job so I cleaned it for you. I'm sorry I thought you'd like it" said Lisa.
"Just get out Lisa, you owe me 42 years worth of dirt, even cleaned the cum stains off my door handle you slag".
Lisa ran down the stairs crying.
"IF YOU READ THE NO GIRLS SIGN ON THE DOOR YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED IN" shouted Bald Ben after her, before slamming his door shut.
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