THE MAGNIFICENT TALE OF THE BALDS
BOOK 1: THE FOREVER PEBBLES
Written by The Skengman and Jack Lad
Re-wrote and improved by Jack Lad
With Thanks to Ben, co-creator of the Balds and face of Bald Ben
Face-app for facilitation of the creation of the balds in the first place
And you the reader.
PROLOGUE: THE BEGINNING OF EVERYTHING
Even when there is nothing there is something.
Before the universe, there was darkness.
The darkness was everything, and it was a cold and infinite black winter.
An endless void of emptiness, Without matter of any kind.
Not even a single atom existed in the constant expanse of nothingness.
But despite the infinite expanse of nothing, something eventually had to be.
There was a speck in the infinite darkness, the only being in the entirety of existence.
The speck gained sentience and realised that being the only thing in existence was rather boring.
The speck decided it needed to have physicality, so it evolved itself into a humanoid form.
it would be impossible to tell how long it took for the speck to complete this task, and it is assumed it would take millennia, however, time did not yet exist so it took literally no time at all.
The speck created a body of average height and average build.
It was a given fact that whatever size the form took would be average by default, as there were no alternatives to dilute the average.
The speck completed its body with a shiny and distinctive Bald head.
The speck decides to rename itself, baptizing himself “The Master”.
Yes, This is his first name, No, he does not have a second name.
The Master decides that in order to alleviate his boredom he should create reality, and he "reckoned he could crack it out in a week", but of course, as he still hadn't invented time this idea was meaningless. Before he started working on creating the universe, he realised he was hungry from all the hard work of creating a body. So the first thing on his agenda was the invention of food delivery services. The creation of deliveroo also brought a delivery driver into existence with it, a man who would become known as Bald Ollie. This creature only seemed to exist when orders were made on the food delivery app, meaning that when food wasn't being delivered, he didn't exist and was trapped in a state of purgatory.
On his first day of work, The Master created the universal foundations, bringing matter into the void.
On the second day, The Master created Time and relatively, giving meaning to his new reality.
The next day he took a smoke break, but then on day four, he invented poverty.
on the fifth day, he invented relics of great power, including the forever pebbles and the last drop of coke.
On the sixth day, he had another smoke break.
On the final day, he created his own paradise to smoke on, a paradise planet that would be named after his favourite word, planet "Alright".
“Alright” was a planet with a purple-tinted atmosphere, bathing the sky in a deep Amethyst. He gave the planet beautiful deep blue oceans and majestic mountains that peaked above the clouds, as well as vast plains for which the population could build cities.
The Master had been thinking carefully about the kinds of people he wanted to populate his utopian oasis, and he could think of no one more deserving of it than himself. he created the population not only in his image but in his exact likeness and mindset. a population entirely comprised of more “The Masters”, each possessing a small fraction of his power and allowing them free will, something that was lacking in many creatures that had evolved into existence on other planets that The Master had created.
"Alright" was truly The Master's perfect world.
"Alright" continued to evolve over many, many years and the society was thriving. The original The Master did not lead this planet, for in this utopian world there was no need for a government to make decisions on behalf of the citizens, action was simply taken as necessary when it was needed. The world provided everything the citizens needed, and their only concerns were developing the arts, technologies and entertaining themselves. The Master was living in an apartment with a roommate, also named The Master. The two were having an arm wrestle and the original The Master lost. His forfeit for losing was allowing his roommate to have a go at creating his own universe. The Master increased the power his roommate possessed and gave him an area in which he could create a new universe without damaging the pre-existing one.
The experimentation grounds was a cuboid glass box, reinforced with metal on the sides and corners. Despite the fact the box had glass sides and it was relavtively small it was impossible to see to the other side, as within the box there was the same void material that The Master existed within when he was just a speck. The box was also fitted with a control panel adjacent to a sliding door built into the glass.
"Alright have some fun lad, but don't flip the lever here because it turns off the safety on the suction and either everything will get sucked in or anything you make will spill out into the real world" explained the Master
"Alright," said the Master's roommate.
The roommate began to experiment with his new reality, grabbing a rat from the real universe and throwing it into his fake one. The rat started to swell and expand before bursting in the vacuum of the reality he created.
"ah shit, I didn't put any air in there" the Master's roommate realised.
He looked to the lever dividing the two universes.
"If there's air in here and I open that, the air will go in there" he deduced.
he reached for the lever and pulled it down. As he pulled the lever, everything in the room began to be sucked into the new universe.
"Ah shit" said the roommate The Master.
All of the pair's possessions started to be sucked into the new universe, including a jar labelled "bad shit" belonging to The Master, as well as a case marked "forever pebbles". The bookcase tipped over, with all of the Master's notebooks on ideas for the universe being sucked in, everything from "jabberwocky's" and "relics" to "my dad" and "other balds". As each of the scraps of paper hit the entrance to the portal, The Masters roommate realised that they had been wrote on The Master's magic paper, as each of the things described on the paper manifested into reality at the portals mouth. A shit whizzed past the Master's roommate head, as the Master himself ran from the bathroom with his pants still around his ankles.
"You fucking knobhead, all my ideas I haven't implemented yet are going into that new universe, if we don't close it soon, the two universes will merge!" he Shouted.
The Master's roommate shrugged his shoulders and reached into the fridge for a beer. As he opened the door, a can flew out and smacked him in the forehead, knocking him out. The original the Master tried to crawl over to the lever to close the breach, grabbing any bit of furniture he could to prevent himself from being sucked into the inescapable black hole of a newly forming universe. He lept quite a distance to get to the console, almost being sucked in but just managing to grab onto the command console in time, but as he reached for the lever, another stray beer can fell from the fridge and jet towards the master like a torpedo, knocking him out cold before he could close the breach. the pressure began to build between the worlds, further destabilising the portal, as whole buildings were sucked into the void. The portal got to critical mass as whole galaxies were sucked into the void until the void itself collapsed, sucking itself in.
Then there was nothing.
But even when there is nothing there is something.
Out of nothing, there was a huge explosion, a really big bang.
A new universe was formed full of life, stars, jabberwocky’s, and planets. This universe was different from its predecessor. It lacked the balance and clarity that made the previous universe such a paradise. Many of the worlds were left unruly and full of chaos. Many new worlds that did not exist in the previous universe formed in this one, Wheras the previous universe had a handful of planets to be managed by The Master, this universe had trillions, far too many to even count, yet alone analyse.
The Master had survived the collapse of reality somehow, and found himself adrift in the void of space. he used his power to pull himself towards any collection of mass he could, hoping to find remnants of his society and his paradise planet "Yalright".
He was without any of his other the Masters to keep him company, and he was determined to get back what was lost, so he began to survey the new reality to try and get his bearings and see how badly his roommate fucked up reality. He named every planet he came across, trying to find one at least somewhat worthy of becoming his new home. One such planet catalogued was a dirty, wet shithole of a planet, and due to the abundance of dirt on its surface, the master decided to name this planet “Earth”. This planet was populated by enormous, beautiful creatures called “Dinosaurs”. However, the Master called them “Gay” and flew into the earth “well 'ard”.
He crashed into the earth at the speed of a comet, obliterating almost all of the Dinosaurs instantly, mostly out of anger for his lost world, and a different kind of self-hatred, as it was one of his duplicates who caused this new world. The Master left Earth in the aftermath of its extinction level event, allowing it to form new life that would evolve into the modern human, but that doesn't matter until later.
The Master may have left this world too early, however, for if he had stayed, he would have found that many of his ideas that had manifested had come to fruition on this world, for in the earth year of 500000 BC, The Master's concept which he called 'my son' spawned on the planet, in the form of a creature called Bald Leon…
CHAPTER 1: THE MAN WITH THE VIOLIN
The year 10,000,052
Earth, United Kingdom, The Meadows crater.
A man stood at the rim of the crater, wearing a dark brown duster coat and brandishing a Violin. This man had long greying hair and "Zappa" style facial hair. His eyes fixated down into the crater deep in thought.
"So, this is where the straightener happened" whispered Violin Man To himself.
he looked around at all the destruction, as far as the eye could see, endless fields of burnt turf, no trees or life to speak of.
Violin man thoughts dwelled on the past, over 10 million years ago, the apocalypse happened, the single biggest event in Earth's history, the event that ended Earth's history. Society had collapsed and had never been able to rebuild. no one knew how many humans were left, as they were in small scattered tribes across the few habitable places on the planet. Somehow, Ground zero for the apocalypse ended up being one of these safe zones, like the eye of a storm that will never end.
Very few people knew what the apocalypse actually was, as communication was cut of globally soon afterwards, but had put the earth into a state even before the stone age.
As Violin man thought on his history, a figure began to descend from the sky. It appeared to be a man. The man's polished leather shoes touch the ground. He was wearing a pristine three-piece white suit, Violin man didn't believe that colours could get this white, as in his lifetime, everything had been made a tint of brown or grey.
The godly figure opened his mouth to speak. "Yalright, I'm The Master”.
"You’re the guy who wanted me to come out here?" replied Violin Man.
"Yes, I created this universe before time even began, twice actually haha, but one of them was an accident." stated The Master. "I'm basically your god"
Violin Man stared at the Deity.
"I'm not a religious person, But I know that no all-loving all-powerful God would allow THIS to happen," he said, gesturing towards the crater.
"Yeah, this wasn't something I planned, I was having a smoke break, and when I looked back the world was all fucked" explained The Master, "I've sort of been procrastinating fixing it"
"FOR 10 MILLION YEARS?" Shouted Violin Man.
"Yeah, it was a big ciggie, so wind your neck in or I’ll leave it for another 10 million" responded The Master bluntly.
The Master brushed him off and looked out towards the crater, although it was unclear what emotions he was feeling as he stared at the destruction.
“My son Bald Leon and his friend Bald Ben done all this. They destroyed the world fighting because someone drank the last drop of Coke in their tin, but guess what? it turns out they misplaced it”.
"You're telling me that the world ended because some dumbass and some shithead didn't get the last drop of a fucking soda?" asked Violin Man about to lose his cool.
"Nah, cause they just misplaced the tin, so neither of them got to finish it and just blamed the other, pretty funny really haha" confirmed The Master.
Violin Man brandished his instrument and started swinging it at The Master in a fit of rage.
"You think this is funny!" screamed Violin Man.
The Master avoided every strike with ease before back-handing Violin Man onto some nearby rocks.
Violin Man jumped to his feet and picked up his instrument, however instead of swinging it, he began to play it, each time he plucked a string, supersonic blasts of energy were emitted from the neck of the instrument.
“I see you're quite handy with a violin”. Observed The Master as he deflected the energy effortlessly.
Without even pausing his attack, Violin man retorted "Well the few people I come across say I'm amazing"
In his rage, the arrogant warrior continued to attempt to battle the god, The Master only countered his attacks and didn't return fire.
The Master grew tired of the pointless battle and with a wave of his hand, he disarmed Violin Man.
"Enough" The Master calmly stated. "I Haven't come here to fight you, I've come here to recruit you. As you said, I can't let the earth carry on being this fucked, but I'm not just the God of Earth, plus I'm busy smoking a lot of the time, so I'm going to give you the power to fix the world."
"How?" asked Violin Man, desperate to change the world at any cost.
"I'm sending you on a quest to get the forever pebbles" revealed The Master "The Forever Pebbles are these artefacts I made that will give their users immense power"
"kinda sounds like the infinity stones" pointed out Violin Man
"Right, first of all, you're a scavenger who lives in the year 10 million, so there's no way you've heard of the Avengers, Second of all, They're an item used for Parody purposes, so calling them the forever pebbles falls under fair use, like how the movie "Space Balls" is allowed to exist even though it's basically, just Star Wars" Explained The Master
"Whatever you say, pal, I'm not a Lawyer," said Violin Man
"That's all well and good, but you never know when a Lawyer working for someone could be listening, and they may even be willing to ignore Section 107 of the US Copyright law, notwithstanding the provisions of sections 106 and 106A." explained The Master to Violin man, although he was really talking to you, the reader, to cover me, the writer from being sued by a company that has a name that rhymes with "Pissney".
Violin Man stared at The Master, completely suspending his disbelief at the colossal fourth wall break that had just occurred in front of him.
“Anyway, you stick The Forever Pebbles in your Violin and you'll get the power of each stone. I can tell you where the time pebble is so that you can go back in time and stop Bald Leon and Bald Ben from destroying the world, you shouldn't need any more of the pebbles because you are already a proficient warrior, The time Pebble is specifically to get you back into the past”
"Alright,” Violin man agreed “Where is it".
The Master effortlessly floated into the air explaining the plan to Violin Man.
"Go to the WHSmith’s ruins and find the Lift shaft there. Put it in your Violin and when you start to play you will be transported back in time to 2018 around when those two first met. If you follow the plan you can stop them from losing the last drop of coke and stop the apocalypse, whatever you do, don't drink the coke".
The Master then looked up and ascended from the crater at speed, flying off into deep space.
Violin Man had been left with many questions. How could a God allow this to happen if he is all-powerful? why would he only give Violin Man one of the pebbles? Was he not worthy of holding greater power?
Violin Man headed back to his makeshift home before he set out on his quest to get the time pebble.
He put on his tight leather jacket, leather pants, leather shirt, leather socks, hat, and sunglasses, combs back his long grey hair, tucks his Violin into its custom holster, and marched his way to WHSmith’s.
He walked through the brown, baron broken city till he found the WHSmith’s. Over time the Earth's plates had shifted, meaning that the shop had split open and was almost entirely destroyed. He climbed through the smashed window to get inside and navigated the treacherous aisles to get to the back of the store where the lift was. He came across a large chasm in the floor, and dived across it, barely grabbing the top of the floor to pull himself up. He found the lift, gleaming like a treasure and strangely in perfect condition. He opened the hatch where the buttons once were and there it was, hidden inside. The time pebble.
He placed the pebble into the neck of his instrument and began to play.
"See you in a minute," he said, a reference just vague enough that it would be counted as fair use.
He started to play the tune and the world around him began to disintegrate and fall away and he found himself in a void between times, and as he reached the end of his song, everything around him was rebuilt magically.
When he finished his song, he could hear a crowd of people applauding him, a sound that he found strange as there weren't this many people to gather in his time. He looked at a diary on a nearby shelf labelled "2018".
"I did it" he gasped in disbelief.
He stepped out of WHSmiths and took in the cleanest breath of air he had ever tasted. He saw the city restored to how it was in 2018. A tear leaked out of his eye as he viewed his home restored. by his standards, this was a utopia. He swore to himself that he must prevent the future he knew, and he would go to any length to complete his self-imposed task.
"I know what I must do," he said to himself.
"I must kill the Balds"
CHAPTER 2: THE REPORTER
Jack Smith.
Everyone knows a guy like Jack Smith.
If they don't know someone like this, then chances are they are the person like this.
Average guy.
Average name.
Average haircut.
A wife, Amanda, and Two kids, Lisa and Todd.
But this average guy is missing just one thing.
Friends.
Jack Smith has no friends.
Sure he had buddies, work friends, and acquaintances.
But real friends? not one.
He tried to fit in with the people at work, but everyone he met found his overly positive personality irritating to the point of hatred.
One day he woke up from a good night's sleep just like any day. He sat up, yawned and stretched his arms out, then he kissed his wife on the cheek as she snoozed.
He got out of bed and after brushing his teeth he knocked on each of his children's bedroom doors.
"Come on kids time for school" he shouted through their doors.
The kids both got ready and once he had made sure that everyone was washed, dressed and fed, Jack dropped the children off at school and then headed to work himself.
As he pulled into the car park he noticed his allocated space had been occupied. He didn't mind, of course, he was sure that whoever took it needed it more than he did, so he drove to the far end of the car park where he could find a space and then began to walk towards the building.
As he got closer to the door he noticed his colleague, Gareth, had been the one to park in Jack's space and was now also walking towards the door. Jack jogged to catch up with him.
"Hey Gareth! Did you watch the match last night?" Asked Jack.
"What match" Gareth responded in an irritated tone.
"You know... the- the football"
"Football wasn't on last night you dickhead, fuck off Jack get to work instead of pestering me".
Gareth was the office jock and the guy that everyone wanted to be friends with, and although he wasn't threatened by Jack, he enjoyed making Jack's life harder, ensuring Jack was given additional work whenever he got the chance, as he knew Jack was too chipper to complain, and it allowed Gareth to slack off more and get rewarded for the work that Jack wrote and he submitted.
Jack hurried to his desk and he saw the huge pile of papers that had been left in his inbox, he was a long-term intern at the local newspaper, but he saw it as a stepping stone to becoming a national reporter, and due to all the additional responsibilities he was given, he was earning valuable experience that was far above his job requirements, at least that was the way he saw it.
Jack spent the next few hours sorting through the metre-high stack of papers, which were all tip-offs for potential news stories. Some of the mundane stories included the "town's largest potato ever grown", "Fire at the recycling centre dealt with quickly by hard-working firemen", and "town statue vandalised by traffic cone placed on the head". All in all, it was a pretty drab town to be a reporter in, but Jack had journalistic integrity and was unwilling to create any fake news, only glamorising what was actually happening by putting his all into developing the story.
Jack's boss was doing his rounds around the office, ensuring everyone's work was up to par. As he reached Jack's desk he began to shake his head.
"Jack, Jack, Jack" he tutted to himself. "I need to talk with you about some of your submissions"
"Oh?" inquired Jack. "did I submit something false"
"no no, not false, but what you're submitting.. it's... it's just really crap" his boss stated.
Jack slumped in his chair. he had worked hard on all of his submissions. taking hours of unpaid overtime to perfect them. But his boss wasn't finished with his criticisms just yet.
"Your headlines, they're just shit. You know that the modern human, our audience, doesn't read beyond a headline if it doesn't grab their attention, so why are you giving me such boring titles? I mean look at what you submitted yesterday 'Lost sheep found in adjacent farm', it's just shit" Complained his boss.
"w-well that's what happened" responded Jack.
"No, you aren't listening, wheres's the drama? wheres the life-threatening, world-ending consequences? how are you going to get people to read our paper if you can't even write a headline? I mean look at this shit your writing now! all three of those are dogshit, and you want me to put that on my front page? I don't fucking think so."
Just at that moment, Jack was saved by a huge plot development. One of the office field reporters kicked the door into the office wide open, sweat dripping from sprinting back to the office.
"A METRE-THICK CUBE OF ICE HAS JUST WASHED ONTO SHORE AND THERE IS A MAN IN THE MIDDLE OF IT! EARLY READINGS SAY THAT THE ICE HAS BEEN FROZEN FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS! COME AND CHECK IT OUT!" shouted the journalist.
Everybody rushed out to take a look. Jack followed, but before he can get to the door his boss put his hand across Jack's chest to hold him back.
"This is your last chance, Jack. I need team players in my paper so if you don't write a good piece here, we're gonna have to let you go, now I know this'll be a competitive environment for you, not only will you be competing with everyone in this room, but all the other news crews who will be down there, but I need you to write me something that can at least contribute to one of our articles. If you don't write that, you're done here, and if that happens, I wouldn't use us as a reference either. Now go on, stop wasting time and get down there."
Jack sprinted from the office, only grabbing the bare essentials as he ran. The car park was almost empty already, and he had to sprint its entire length to get to his car. He fumbled with his keys and got in and drove as fast as he could without breaking the speed limit to where the iceman was found, the River Mersey in Liverpool at the Albert Dock.
Once Jack arrived he was practically ecstatic, this wasn't fake news, it was a real, thrilling story and if he could be the one to tell it, it'd catapult him to stardom in the journalism world, he envisioned his own column in a national newspaper, a regular spot on a news based comedy TV show like "Have I got news for you" or "Mock the week", and hopefully a hefty pay rise.
He parked up at the docks and entered the warehouse where the ice cube was being kept, and at that moment, he saw it.
A Bald headed man wearing reading glasses and a blue-white striped 3 piece suit, something that at any normal time would be perhaps a little eccentric but otherwise completely normal, but this well-dressed gentleman was encased in ice. The story became even more alluring after the scientific team on-site drilled into the cube and took a core sample from the ice and discovered that the centre of the ice, where the bald-headed man was, had been frozen for over 200,000 years! The science team were keeping him in a large freezer, in an attempt to keep his temperatures low to prevent him from thawing out and ruining this newly discovered artefact. Jack got a closer look and guessed that the man looked about 7ft tall and freakishly skinny, although this was hard to tell through the distortion of the thick ice. He had a stubble beard and also had formal modern-day shoes to match his suit.
Every journalist pushed and shoved to get a photo but nobody could get a clear shot as it was so crowded that everyone was bumping into each other, blurring all of their photos. Jack squeezed through the crowd on his hands and knees and got a picture of the bald iceman to show to his boss when he returned to the office. Between this picture and his memorising of the man's description, Jack was sure he could write an incredible piece all by himself, not even as a contributor. The police arrived to conduct some crowd control, making the possibility of taking any more pictures impossible. Jack returned to his car and started to think about his story. He had until tomorrow morning to finish his first draft, which was plenty of time, and combined with his photo, which as far as he was aware was the only high resolution and clear one taken by a reporter, he was sure to get a promotion, not just be kept on as an intern. Jack worked late that night, and as he walked to his car in the empty lot he found Gareth waiting for him, leaning on Jack's bonnet.
"Rumour around the office is that you got a pretty good shot of the iceman" stated Gareth
"Yeah I did! have a look at this" Jack said proudly
Jack showed Gareth the picture on his camera.
"Wow, I sure did take a great photo didn't I Jack?" bragged Gareth
"Wait what? I took the picture?" asked Jack
"Oh did you now?" replied Gareth
Gareth pressed a button on Jack's Camera, transferring the picture via Bluetooth to Gareth's phone which had already been awaiting the transmission.
"Then why isn't it on your broken camera?" asked Gareth
Gareth took the SD card from Jacks Camera and snapped it in half. he then threw the camera far over the fence.
"Gareth what the hell! That camera was expensive, and that was my picture!" shouted Jack
"You know intellectual property theft is a serious crime, and since I took that picture, your stealing from me," Gareth said whilst cracking his knuckles.
"Come on Gareth it’s my photo I took it fair and square. Let's be civil. Please, I'm begging you" Jack whimpered.
Gareth smacked Jack across the head, and then he grabbed his collar and shoved him against his own car.
"Now if I find out you told the boss anything about this, I will come to your house and I WILL kill you" Gareth informed Jack, smacking him over the head with every word.
"Ok, Gareth, if I'm asked tomorrow I will tell Mr Oakley that you took the photo, just please stop hitting me" begged Jack
"good, Now get the fuck out of here"
Jack got into his car with tears in his eyes and he sped off home. When he got back, Jack found his kids greeting him with excitement, so he put on a brave face for them. His wife, however, could tell that something was wrong, so once the kids had gone to bed they spoke in private.
"Is everything ok?" asked Amanda.
"Everything is fine," said Jack, not wanting to worry her.
"So what's this little bruise forming here then Jack"
Jack sighed.
"Ok. We had a huge story in work today, like change our lives for good huge, and I got the best picture of this... this thing" Jack explained. "But before I could submit anything, Gareth took my camera and is going to claim that it's his picture, and with my picture he'd be able to write anything as good as i could based off of the description, so that late night of writing was all for nothing."
"That's terrible, but I'm sure it'll all work out. Just speak to your boss and tell him what happened. I'm sure this will all blow over" said Amanda comfortingly.
Jack took her advice and went to bed for the evening. The next day he entered the office and was asked by the receptionist to go straight up to see the boss.
"Is everything ok boss?" asked Jack
"No Jack. Everything is not 'okay'. I got into work this morning and found that a panicked Gareth had felt he had to come in early to speak to me. Now I know I put some pressure on you for a story, but why in the hell do you think that gives you the right to steal another employees picture?" enquired the boss.
"WHAT! that's not what happened at all, I left work late last night and Gareth was waiting in the car park, he beat me up, took my camera, transferred the picture and then broke my camera" explained Jack
"Well then let's see this broken camera," asked the Boss.
"I... I don't have it. he through it far away and I couldn't see it cause it was dark and-"
Jack was cut off before he could finish explaining.
"That's awfully contrived really Jack, but even if you did show me some busted up camera, which I'm sure you would have smashed yourself, it seems you tried to cover up your tracks by deleting the CCTV of you threatening Gareth." retorted the boss
"What? I... I didn't-" Jack was cut off again.
"Did you really think I'd be stupid enough to install a card access door on the security office that DIDN'T record who accessed it? It was you who went in the security office and deleted it all Jack. No one else was in the building that late"
Jack felt into his pocket and only just then realised that his access card for the building was missing. He realised that Gareth must have taken it when he beat Jack up, or it may have fallen out of his pocket for Gareth to take. All that Jack knew was that Gareth had covered his tracks and implicated Jack in the process.
"Now your just lucky we don't call the police on you Jack. This is a serious breach of our security, however yet again your lucky because Gareth has insisted we don't press any legal charges against you because he knows you were stressed, but I'm still in charge of this office and I want you to get the FUCK out of here" shouted his boss.
Jack turned around slowly and headed to his desk. He found Gareth had thrown all of Jack's personal stuff into a box and was then placing his own stuff down onto Jack's desk.
"Seems you shouldn't steal Jackie boy. Now get out of here. I'm better than you and now the boss knows it too. Seems he would rather have me. Oh and in case he didn't make it clear enough, you're fired. Goodbye Jack".
Gareth Smirked as Jack approached the desk and picked up his belongings, without saying a word. He walked out the door while his old coworkers threw balls of paper, used tissues and pens, while also yelling abusive language at him and laughing.
He went home and told his family the news. They were not pleased. Amanda was furious, believing that Jack had lied to her. In her mind there were just too many things pointing to Jack being the real villain of the tale.
"you are a fucking piece of shit Jack Smith! I'm taking the kids and we're going to stay at my mother's! Don't call me! I'll send for my things!"
Jack stood in the doorway as his family drove away, his last scraps of hope fading. He watched the TV and took to drinking to cope, drowning himself in alcohol and depressing realisations.
"why is my life so hard".
"Why can't I ever make friends".
"Everybody abuses me".
"Everyone hates me".
"I hate me".
He sat on these thoughts for hours, which turned to days, which turned to weeks. But then he had a realisation. Why should he let this world kick him around? He's got this far by being optimistic and helping others, so why should he stop now? He was certain his life would bounce back, just like it always had. all he had to do was try, and never give up. He could get the kids back, and Amanda and make some great friends. but the first step was getting a job.
CHAPTER 3: THE JOB SEARCH
Denial after Denial after Denial.
Jack was struggling significantly to find and hold down a substantial job because of being out of work for weeks, and before that only working at a internship position. He could only find temporary work to keep him going and put some food on the table. This was not going to suffice if he wanted to get his life back on track. His skills were all in journalism, but after the fiasco at his previous newspaper, no other agency would take him on in any position, because there was absolutely no way he could use them as a reference.
Jack realised he had hit rock bottom.
Jack fell back into a depressive episode, far worse than the last one, consuming more and more alcohol just to numb the pain. He lay on the floor one night, soaked in alcohol, sweat and some of his own blood. He gave up on life. He accepted that he would never be allowed to see his kids ever again, and he broke down crying, his cries drowned out by Gangnam style playing on the local radio. But then the music was interrupted by a message that would save his life.
"Breaking news this evening. another man has been found to have committed suicide in a deadly new trend sweeping the area. Due to the identical circumstances of death, police have ruled that 16 of these suicides are connected and suspicious. An investigation has been launched to discover the source of this connected trend of deaths".
Jack rolled over to listen more intently to the story, and picked himself up. He reached for the nearby set of shelves, using them to pull himself up, but the shelf fell from the wall, crashing to the ground. The vase that was placed upon it smashed to pieces, cutting Jack's hands on the ceramic, but he didn't care. He pulled himself up the stairs and into the bathroom so he could clean himself up and get to work, but he blacked out before he could turn on the shower, flopping over the empty bath.
Jack woke up in a small pool of blood, and the worst headache of his life. He took a moment to gather his thoughts and remembered he was on a mission. he climbed into the shower and got cleaned up. he then entered his bedroom and got dressed. He grabbed his old expired press badge, a notebook, and his camera phone, then climbed in his car and drove to the street where the suicide had taken place. He had no idea which house he was going to, but luckily for him, the police had taped off the area, meaning it was obvious which house to go to. He arrived at the house where the latest man was found and used his old expired press pass to get through the policemen posted at the scene.
"I think you might be a bit late, pal. All the other reporters have been and gone, don't think you'll find anything that hasn't already been found by them or us," the policeman told him.
"Maybe, but it's worth a try" Jack replied as he put on a pair of surgical gloves and a tyvek suit.
Jack entered the house and went upstairs to the man's room. the body of the man looked to be around 18 years old and before his death, he had been living with his parents. Jack noticed that the curtains had been left open, and found this disrespectful, as according to tradition you should draw the curtains in a house that someone had died in. He knew that the mourning family would not want to be pestered with such a stupid question as "do you want me to close your curtains", so he took it upon himself to do it. He drew the curtains and the room fell dark, apart from a strange light coming from behind a set of drawers.
Jack approached the drawers and realised that the victim's phone had fallen behind the back of them, and was not only still plugged in and fully charged, but unlocked too. Jack knew he had to turn the phone in, but he wasn't about to lose the chance to get some additional intel that the other journalists didn't have, so before he handed it in, he decided to have a quick look through the phone. As he went through the texts to see if he could find any sort of motive for the suicide, all he can find were messages between the victim and several different women who he appeared to compliment and then berate when they did not reciprocate his goodwill.
The victim was a “nice guy”.
Jack wasn't sure if that was a connection to the cause of death, but he knew building a profile around the deceased was essential to getting into their head and working out what made them decide to take their own life. He looked towards the desk in the room and he noticed that even though the screen was black, the fans on the PC were still running, indicating it was switched on and potentially unlocked.
"I wonder why the screen was switched off" Jack whispered to himself full of suspicion. He approached the PC and wiggled the mouse, waking up the sleeping computer. Quite suddenly a pair of eyes were staring into Jack's, giving him a fright. The eyes weren't real though, and it was actually a picture of a fat Bald man glaring at the camera, his head oval, two chins and wearing a pair of reading glasses. Jack felt like this man was staring at him through the camera, into his soul.
"What the hell was wrong with this guy, why would anyone want that as a screensaver?" Jack thought.
He took photos and handed in the phone before heading home. He decided to investigate the other suicides that the police believed may have been linked. Jack still had a few friends, and one of them worked in the police detective department. His friend was able to send him some photos of each crime scene, and Jack noticed something very suspicious. At each house was the same picture of the Bald man on every computer screen. Jack asked his friend if he thought it meant anything.
"well, it's one of the reasons why we think that these cases are connected, there are three distinct similarities between each case, that picture of that freak. all of the victims were harassing women online to be their partner or get some other kind of sexual gratification, and they were all discovered by the parents of each victim who only found the bodies when they went upstairs to ask their kid to turn down the music" explained the detective
"Any similarities in the songs?" asked Jack "Same genres, same lyrical meanings? maybe this is some kind of suicide pact or cult?"
"Oh no it's much stranger than that, most of the parents were too grief-stricken to remember what the songs were when we asked, but those who could answer all said that it was the same song" the detective revealed
"really? What was the song" Jack asked
"Sweet Caroline"
Jack drove to his old work office and confronts his old boss, showing his findings and evidence with excitement.
"LOOK RIGHT THERE, EVIDENCE JOURNALISM, IMAGINE THIS ON THE FRONT PAGE TOMORROW 'THE SWEET CAROLINE MASSACRE' I MEAN I KNOW THE HEADLINE COULD USE SOME WORKSHOPPING BUT THE STORY BOSS, THE STORY" Jack pleads.
The boss called security before Jack could even beg for his job back and Jack had made the mistake of being too trusting of his old boss, he had left all of the physical evidence on his bosses desk when he stormed in.
"FUCK YOU OAKLEY, YOU BASTARD" Jack shouted as he is thrown off the front step of the office once again. as he walks back to his car he is bombarded by balls of paper and abuse such as "specky prick" and making fun of his dead relatives, Gareth even threw a brick at him while laughing hysterically.
Jack felt so defeated and betrayed, but as he pulled up at his house he saw Amanda sitting on the front doorstep.
"Amanda? What are you doing here where are the kids" Jack asked excitedly.
"There in the car. I may have acted too hastily when I left" Amanda explained without standing up.
"It's alright, I know I put you under a lot of stress with losing my job" Jack replied
"No see that's your problem Jack, you have to apologise for everything, it makes you look so goddamn weak and pathetic, if you were a little less nice and if you didn't roll over and show your belly at every hint of conflict you wouldn't be in this situation. WE wouldn't be in this situation" Amanda shouted
"I-I'm sorry"
Amanda Glared at Jack
"You just did it again" Amanda sighed. "I know you just mean well, and your honestly a great guy. I want to try again, but if we do, we take things slowly" offered Amanda
Jack thought about it for a moment
"I'd like that, Thank you"
Amanda walked round to the car and opened the door, the kids rush out and embrace their father. Reunited, the family went back inside and Jack prepared a meal for them all. Everything was looking up for Jack again, he knew that with or without the physical evidence he would be able to sniff out some more news on this suicide cult case "the sweet caroline killer", and now with his family back, he felt like everything was getting back on track. The family finished the meal and sat down to watch the evening news. The first local news headline began to play.
“Frozen Mersey man begins to thaw, scientific informants conclude he is actually sleeping and had not been fossilised"
Jack's jaw dropped.
CHAPTER 4: THE ICEMAN
The warehouse where the Iceman was being held had been filled with an array of scientific equipment, converting it into a makeshift lab. a small team of scientists were working on taking assorted samples from the thawing creature. they all chatter out their readings to be recorded.
"skin seems identical to that of modern homo-sapien, caucasian variety"
"internal anatomy scans also come back average to modern-day, is there any way the core sample dating him as from the prehistoric era was wrong?"
"Negative, core sample was triple verified, chances are this is a rare case of extra-normative evolution, there were lots of varieties on humans and apes back then, most of which died out, so chances are this is one of those divergent species"
"oh yeah well explain the suit"
"give me the room"
there's a pause in the chatter at that unfamiliar voice.
"I said, give me the room"
the man attached to the voice flashes a high-level security clearance pass. the scientists all scuttle out of the room quickly and quietly.
The man began to monologue to the iceman.
"So you're quite the celebrity," The man said
"It took me 5 weeks to track you down you know? and then it took me another 3 to infiltrate this organisation and fabricate some clearance to get you all to myself"
The man looks at the control panel in front of him, the panel controlled the defrosting fans pumping warming air onto the ice to slowly thaw the iceman, at the moment they were all set to safe mode. the man pressed his fingers on the sliding control points, pushing them all to the maximum heat degree, causing danger warnings to flash on the monitors.
"You don't know it yet, but you are about to become this worlds greatest burden, and I just can't allow that"
The man became irritated that the ice was not melting fast enough, and he picks up a safety fire axe and slams it into the top of the ice block, causing a track straight through the ice top to bottom. The ice splinters and shatters, freeing the iceman's head.
"And so I said, I will see you next week!" Bald Leon laughs hysterically.
The Mysterious man stares at the Iceman, now being 100% certain that this Iceman was Bald Leon. A surprised look flashes over Bald Leon's face as he realises that he is now no longer in "caveman times", and then his face scrunches up, mildly upset as he realises that his joke doesn't make sense if you only hear the second half "And so I said, I will see you next week!", and what made him even more upset, was that several thousand years in the ice had made him forget the setup.
"Who are you? where is Ugg Mug?" Bald Leon questions the man.
"I am Violin man, and you are Bald Leon. The history books said you were thawed around this time, and I think the chances of you being someone else are slim. I've never really been one for small talk, so I think I'll just kill you now" the violin man explained.
"What the hell I dindunuffin" Bald Leon replied
Violin Man began to play his violin and atmospheric energy began to flow into the instrument, charging up a deadly energy attack. As Violin Man reaches the climax of the song, the roof suddenly exploded and The Master floats inside.
"Alright I am pretty sure I never said kill him, I only said stop him" The Master shouted
“He must be stopped at all costs!” Violin man countered
“Nah lad,” said the master, He then waves his hand temporarily freezing Violin Man with his magic "I can't interfere here beyond this, you've got to get yourself out of here lad" The Master explained to Bald Leon.
He waves his hand and cracks the rest of the Ice surrounding Bald Leon, before floating back off into space
Bald Leon staggered out of the storage facility, but his joints were all still cold or frozen, meaning he couldn't run very fast. Violin Man broke free of The Master's spell and ran out of the facility. Violin man drops his violin on the ground and it began to transform into a shape resembling both a violin and a hoverboard.
Bald Leon needed a bottle of 5-hour energy to get his speed back. he found a taxi and got in and shouted "to the 5-hour energy factory!!!!" startling the taxi driver.
“That'll cost you extra pal, I'm only contracted to go within city limits and that is far beyond here”. Said the taxi driver
"I just been frozen for 200'000 years my currency is just rocks, but I will give you some 5-hour energy". Bargained Bald Leon.
The taxi driver stomped on the brakes bringing the taxi to a sudden stop. Luckily for Bald Leon, Violin man had been right behind the taxi, so when the taxi stopped Violin man smashed into the back of it, going straight through the back window and covering his face in glass shards.
"Fucking Audi drivers" remarked Bald Leon.
Bald Leon got out of the cab and began to walk in the direction of the energy supplement factory, leaving Violin man unconscious with blood pouring out his head in the back window of the cab. The taxi driver was petrified and confused, screaming and cursing at Bald Leon as he left the taxi and at Violin Man who he now felt obliged to take to a hospital.
Bald Leon walked for hour's and he was beginning to feel the effects of everything from the Ice, the brief chase with Violin man and even the change in the earth's atmosphere and climate. He looked into a shop he was passing and saw the energy drinks fridge. He went inside, opened the fridge door and began to drink a can of monster. He took a few more can's for the road and headed back out, the shopkeeper was furious at the random guy stealing his stock and attempted to stop him by tackling him. Bald Leon was completely unaffected, by the shopkeeper's attack's, as if they weren't even happening, so the shopkeeper ran back into his shop to call the police, which Bald Leon did not care about.
Bald Leon was feeling tired. he looked into the houses he was passing and could see people sleeping in bed's and he quite fancied one himself. he walked up the path of the next house he passed and knocked on Jack's door.
"Alright," Bald Leon said greeting Jack.
Bald Leon pushed past Jack before he could even respond, and put his blazer on a coat hanger.
"Excuse me, you can't just let yourself into my home" declared Jack, annoyed that this random Bald Man was treating his house like a homeless shelter.
"Want me to be homeless, Dickhead? I'm gonna sleep here till I get enough money for some 5-hour energy, how do I get money" demanded Bald Leon
"Well you'd need a job" Replied Jack, taken aback by this random guy's demands
"OK, I'm going to become a forensic physics teacher then" explained Bald Leon.
"Wait... aren't you the Iceman from the news the other day?" Jack asked
"I don't know what that is, but I was frozen this morning so if that's isn't a common occurrence anymore then yeah it was probably me" explained Bald Leon
Jack had been considering kicking out Bald Leon, but now that he had realised this was the Iceman, he could use Bald Leon to help get back his career in journalism. Jack decided to learn more about Bald Leon's past.
"Ok fine, my wife and kids have gone to centre parks so you can stay until they get back, just don't make a mess" Jack stuttered.
"Was gonna stay here with or without your permission I'm not gonna lie. I'm taking your bed” replied Bald Leon
Jack Decided he may as well begin to question Bald Leon.
"You've been frozen since the stone age, yet you’re dressed like that and you seem to be really intelligent. as well as that, I saw the scans the science team did of your brain and they think it might be that of the next stage of evolution, so I have to ask, are you a time traveller from the future who got stuck in the past?"
"Well first of all I don't know what the stone age is, it's called "caveman times", and second, I'm not a time traveller, I just have a forward-thinking fashion sense and I'm from caveman times but my dad made me really advanced, My dad’s what you may call God, He’s the Master and he gave me the smartest brain in the world so I just know what to do Because it's already in my head," said Bald Leon without a moment to think, because as he said, the information was already there in his head.
Jack then asked, “how were you frozen in the first place, and why weren't you killed from being frozen for thousands of years?”
“Basically I was telling my Mate Ugg Mug this joke, and I heard this rumbling but guessed it must have been my belly, but I guess it was an avalanche so it must have frozen me for all this time” explained Bald Leon.
“That doesn't explain how you survived in Ice all this time though…” enquired Jack.
“Oh, it's Because My Dads the master, I have some of that power and it means I’m better than most people and more powerful, as well as smart, anyway can we be done with this questioning now? I want a poo” Concluded Bald Leon
Jack agreed to pause his questioning for the evening, Bald Leon went upstairs and Jack followed, getting into his Pyjamas. Bald Leon finished in the toilet and Jack went in afterwards to brush his teeth and was hit by a thick wall of foul-smelling green smoke.
"Oh my god! What the hell is this!" Shouted Jack
"Sorry, I was holding that one in for a while." Replied Bald Leon
Jack turned on his shower extractor fan as his smoke alarm began to sound, Bald Leon, ignored all of this and calmly got into Jack's bed and went to sleep. Once Jack had fixed Bald Leon's mess, he went to get into bed and saw it was occupied, so he went downstairs and slept on the couch as he was too polite to move Bald Leon.
The next day. Bald Leon put on his 3 piece suit and left Jack’s house to go to an interview for a job he saw advertised as a Forensic Physics teacher.
When he arrived at the institute advertising the job he submitted his CV to the receptionist who gave it a quick glance but paused.
"So you have no GCSEs, no A levels, and you want to be a teacher?" asked the receptionist.
"What the Fuck’s a GCSE?". Bald Leon politely enquired.
The Receptionist stared in awe at this man for a few seconds, unsure whether to call The police or a mental institute.
"It's like- like proof you are qualified to do something" explained the Receptionist
"Ok but I invented fire surely you can see I'm pretty clever," said Bald Leon
The Receptionist was yet again stunned in disbelief
"Well, we will give you a call in a few days if you made the cut... Best of luck" she said with a smile.
Bald Leon walked out the door and sat on the wall outside, he stayed there for three days and three nights, not sleeping the entire time, waiting for his call back. It was on the third he remembered he didn't have a phone so he walked back into the building to speak to the terrified receptionist.
"I just remembered I don't have a phone, I was waiting outside for the call so I guess you'll just have to tell me if I got the interview" Bald Leon commanded the terrified woman.
"W-well actually, the headmaster would like to-to interview you, he said he found you-your CV very interesting, so you c-can go upstairs now, third door on the left" explained the receptionist
"Thanks," Bald Leon said, before walking away.
Bald Leon reached the door outside, he pushed it open and said hello to the headmaster before sitting down at his desk. The headmaster looked Bald Leon up and down before sitting himself and beginning the questioning.
"I'll be honest with you, I thought that your application here was a prank by one of the student's," Said the Headmaster while tapping on the paper "the only reason you are sitting here now was that I wanted to see how far the little bastards would go, I thought they'd panic if I asked their fake man to an interview, and yet here you are."
"Yeah I need money for 5-hour energy so I thought I'd get a job in a field I invented back in Caveman times" Explained Bald Leon
"yeah I read over your little biography here, despite being completely unqualified, you seem to be a really intelligent person, I mean you included schematics for some kind of machine that can convert sand into diamonds using pressure? and you even have ideas for a cancer cure, so why don't you just get it over with now and tell me who put you up to this" asked the headmaster
"This guy called Jack I'm living with told me I need a job for money, so I guess him" Bald Leon explained.
the headmaster continued to grill and test Bald Leon, but every question that he asked, Bald Leon had an answer, proving time and time again that he was vastly intelligent. The headmaster slowly began to change his opinion on the strange Bald Man,
"Ok Listen here, you have really impressed me today, and we are desperate for teachers but to hire you to be a science teacher you need at least a C grade in maths and English and an A* in science. So I'm thinking about the best way to get you qualified, so if you like, we can put you into the school for the upcoming year, and we will put you straight into the final year group so you can get qualified as quickly as possible, you seem to be a real asset to this school but I legally can't take you on until you get this qualification. if you like you might even be able to take the exams early, is that something you'd be interested in?" asked the headmaster.
"Yeah, sure," bald Leon said nonchalantly.
"Brilliant! I'm gonna put you in year 11, it's more of a formality so that you're technically enlisted here, so when you get the grade the job is yours. I must warn you though, this school's a little... rough.” explained the headmaster
Bald Leon looked out the window into the playground. he could see a group of students playing with knives, a student had been duct-taped to the top of a lamppost, and another set of students were doing donuts in the car park in one of the teacher's cars. Bald Leon just chuckled.
The headmaster continued “Some of the kids to watch out for, Vlad the burner, he keeps stabbing people, his girlfriend is one to avoid too, and there's another weird kid who's been held back year after year, think he's even been here longer than me”.
"and what is his name," asked Bald Leon
"he goes by Bald Ben"
CHAPTER 5: BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL
September arrived as it always does.
Bald Leon woke up on his first day of school and began to get ready for the day. He had been living with Jack for a while now, and Jack had not charged him a penny in rent, and luckily for Bald Leon, Jack's family still hadn't come back so he got to keep sleeping in Jack's nice bed. Bald Leon got out of bed and began to get dressed. He wore his 3 piece suit to look his best and to make friends at his new school.
When Bald Leon got downstairs there was a package waiting for him.
"What's that?" asked Jack, "I know you don't do it on purpose but you need to stop ordering things with my card, it's beginning to become expensive"
"I'm sorry," said Bald Leon in a sarcastic sincere tone, however, Jack thought he was being genuine.
"It's fine, so what did you order" asked Jack inquisitively.
"It'll be my new wife" answered Bald Leon
"Your what?!" Shouted Jack
Bald Leon ripped the top off of the box and out stepped a muscular, Russian, 6'6ft, mail order bride.
"Hello, I am Sofia Anastatia Volkov" said the Girl
"I will call you Ulga" Bald Leon told her
"Bald Leon, I don't think this is legal, isn't this human trafficking? I mean she arrived in a box" Bald Jack said tentatively
"Stop being a pussy, I can have nice things," said Bald Leon
"Women aren't objects Bald Leon" Jack countered
"Yeah Yeah write it on your libtard blog haha" Bald Leon chuckled to himself.
Bald Leon ushered Ulga through the house and upstairs, he asked her to do his washing up while he was at school, which she agreed to do
Ulga kissed his cheek and waved him off as he got onto the bus. As Bald Leon got onto the bus he realised it was full of the rough school children, all wearing the uniform of the school he was going to. As he got onto the bus, everyone began to laugh at him, even the bus driver, but he paid no attention, he invented bullying, and he wasn't about to let some snot-nosed chavs beat him at his own game.
the 5-minute bus journey felt like hours to Bald Leon, as he was hit with constant heckling from the school kids, but eventually, he arrived at his first class.
"Hello sorry I'm late, I'm Bald Leon" he confidently announced in front of a class of year 11s. Everybody laughed at this man claiming to be a student despite looking to be in his late 40s, Bald and wearing a blue 3 piece suit whilst carrying around his big umbrella. The class began to laugh even more when they noticed the awful state of his teeth.
The teacher showed him his seat at the back of the class. He was seated next to a guy called Callum, who looked as rough as a bag of gravel. He asked Bald Leon in a fake, almost insultingly bad Liverpudlian accent “ay lad, can a Chong a fag are kidda?”
Due to the lack of intelligible English in the sentence, Bald Leon was confused as to what this boy was asking him.
"I'm Bald Leon, would you like to be my friend?" Replied Bald Leon.
“Dont give a shit lad,” replied Callum.
"Are you sure? I think we would make a good team" Begged Bald Leon
"Dont come round here your not my don" retorted Callum
Bald Leon was about to retort to this homo Naledi but he was cut off by the teacher who sent him out of the room as the class stared at him awkwardly.
Bald Leon waited outside of the classroom for a full 40 minutes, because the teacher had forgotten that she had sent him out.
"This sucks," he said to himself
Some girls walked past and began to laugh at the fact he was talking to himself as if he was in a teen romance movie.
As Bald Leon thought about how much he loves misogyny and hates women like that, something appeared in the corner of his eye, and as he looked up he saw the shadow of a fat Bald humanoid. He turned his head to look at the Fat but short figure more closely, but as he turned his head, it disappeared completely.
“That was weird,” Bald Leon said to himself.
The Bell rang for break time, and Bald Leon decided he wanted to order lunch and headed to the canteen, when he got there he asked the dinner lady "do you accept Jabawockies as currency?"
"Jaba-what?" The dinner lady responds, confused.
Bald Leon dashes away embarrassed and the dinner lady just rolled her eyes and forgot about the strange student.
As Bald Leon dashed away, Callum tripped him up, and all the food that was on his tray comically flew up into the air, and landed all around him, perfectly outlining his 7ft body. Callum and his gang began to laugh at Bald Leon, throwing chips and insults alike, calling him a "freak", a "nerd", a "stupid cunt waste of space oxygen sucking rock chewing gravel inhaling sand drinking neanderthal", and worst of all "booger face".
Bald Leon picked himself up and walked away, now he was hungry and annoyed. but he was halfway through the day at least.
The bell rang for another lesson.
As Bald Leon strode down the corridor to his next class he got that odd feeling again, he turned his head and saw the fat little figure once more. It was a Bald guy. He looked to be about 4'3 and rather large, and he also seemed to be much older than any of the other kids. Bald Leon noticed that this fat little man was staring at him just as intently as he was staring at the fat little man. They kept their eyes locked for a solid 5 minutes without talking, both feeling strange compelling energy between them. not anything romantic, but a powerful force somehow bonding them to each other. The staring contest was finally broken by the ringing of the second bell telling them to hurry to class, they both turned around without speaking a word and walked to their next lessons.
“Who the fuck was he,” Bald Leon thought to himself “I've never felt Bald energy waves from another person like that before”. He pondered this thought for the rest of the lesson and as the end of the lesson drew in, a note from the office was brought to his class asking for him to go to the head office.
He arrived at the office and The headmaster asked him to take a seat.
“So we've been looking into some of the information you've given us, and I need a straight answer from you, no shame or anything, do you have a home? Because the standard protocol is to ensure all students, regardless of their age, have a safe home life. now you aren't exactly a normal student, but as I said the protocol must be maintained, so if you like we can get you somewhere to live”
Bald Leon thought about this for a moment and realised that although he technically lived with Jack, Jack was starting to get on his tits, constantly pestering him about things like “wash the dishes” and “flush after you've had a shit” and “don't punch the cat”. He decided that the best move would be for him to have his own place.
“No sir, I've been sleeping behind the wheelie bins at ASDA” Bald Leon lied.
“Right well since you're technically a student, you can go into student accommodation is that something you'd like?”
"Thank you, sir" Bald Leon says, faining gratuity.
"Right so if you get the school minibus it'll take you straight there so if you want to go and get your stuff you can be excused for the day".
Bald Leon calls Ulga and tells her to pack their stuff, and specifies that she is not to forget to bring Jacks ps5, and the medieval cannon Bald Leon had bought on eBay.
He arrived at his new house with his Wife.
"Babe we did it, a free house till the year ends let's unpack," said Bald Leon happily
He stepped inside and began to explore his new abode. The house was a single bedroom house, more of an apartment, but for two people living together, it was perfect and rather spacious, containing the bedroom, an up and downstairs bathroom, a kitchen/dining room, an office space and a living room. Bald Leon walked into his spacious living room and sat on his lovely new couch, pondering how this incredible house was valued at such a low amount. he let out a relaxed sigh and sank into the couch.
then a cannonball was fired through the wall.
The cannonball ripped through his living room wall, and went straight through into his downstairs bathroom, completely destroying it. The cannonball continued its trajectory, colliding into Ulga who was carrying all of her possessions and luggage into the house, destroying them completely and knocking her into a wall. Bald Leon ran over, worried. He checked all of his belongings.
"phew, all my stuff is fine," He said to himself
Ulga began to stem her bleeding chest
"I'm fine too asshole" she shouted her
"oh yeah that's good too" Bald Leon replied "be back in a bit"
He immediately charged upstairs and got onto the roof with his big suitcase, which contained the parts for his cannon. He assembled it and points it at the source of the cannonball that destroyed his bathroom, and almost destroyed his newly acquired ps5.
He looked for the source of the blast and saw the smoke was all coming from a house two doors down, as the smoke clears he begins to see the outline of a small fat man.
Bald Leon realised it was the same Bald guy from school.
"What's your name!" shouted Bald Leon
"Bald Ben!" Bald Ben replied with another shout.
"Bald Ben? Hah, That sounds like a Radio show name!" Bald Leon shouted back, believing that this insult makes sense.
"What the fuck is going on here!" Shouts a third voice, the neighbour in the house between them.
"YOU HAVE LITERALLY JUST MOVED IN! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SHOUTING AND SCREAMING, AND HOW COME YOUR HOUSE IS ALREADY FUCKED!" He screamed whilst pointing at Bald Leon
"AND YOU! YOU HAVE LIVED HERE ALL YOUR LIFE BUT I NEVER SEE YOU, AND THE FIRST TIME YOU EMERGE FOR AGES, YOU BLAST A FUCKING CANNONBALL THROUGH MY HOUSE AND INTO HIS! MY CAT IS IN HALF" He shouted whilst pointing at Bald Ben.
"Sorry Craig" whispered Bald Ben, "but this is business between me and... Umm I didn't catch your name sorry"
Bald Leon stared down Bald Ben, offended by the fact someone he's not acquainted with didn't know his name for some reason.
"My name... Is Bald Leon!" He said pulling the firing pin on his now assembled cannon, launching a cannonball through Craigs upstairs and into Bald Ben's house.
"That was a warning shot" Bald Leon boasts, despite the fact that warning shots are supposed to miss, and this shot tore down a balcony and a first-floor wall.
Bald Ben decided that he wasn't going to let Bald Leon have the last laugh, so he returned fire, Beginning a battle between the two of them, firing cannonballs at each other, damaging the houses they live in, and utterly destroying Craig's, flinging debris into the streets and causing an unknown number of casualties.
The battle ended when each of them ran out of ammunition, with each house now being unrecognisable, and with hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of damages done to each. Craig's house now no longer had a second floor.
"Guess this battle is over" shouts Bald Leon.
"Yeah” Replied Bald ben “See you tomorrow"
Bald Ben disappeared back into his now decrepit house, and Bald Leon did the same, going downstairs and grabbing a beer from the fridge and then he sat down on his couch and began to watch TV as if nothing had happened.
A couple of hours later there was a hammering on Bald Leon's door.
"ULGA! GET THE DOOR" shouted Bald Leon "Oh wait she's in hospital haha" he remembered.
He reluctantly got up and went to the door. when he opened it he found Bald Ben's dad holding Bald Ben by his ear on the front step.
Bald Leon noticed that despite Bald Ben being caucasian, this man who was his father was clearly of Asian descent, leading Bald Leon to believe that Bald Ben must be adopted.
"I believe my son owes an apology," said Bald Ben's dad.
He slapped his son on the head and yelled at him in Mandarin to apologise.
"I, I, I'm sorry Bald Leon it wasn't very neighbourly of me to shoot a cannonball at your house, I know you're new here and I feel bad, my dad has confiscated my cannon so it won't happen again" whispered Bald Ben shyly.
"Ok," said Bald Leon accepting this apology and closing the door.
It was days before Bald Leon next saw Bald Ben, the weekend arrived and Bald Leon heard a knocking on his door. He walked to the door and saw that the knocking had caused the door to fall inwards into his hallway because he had made no effort to repair any of the damages caused by the cannon fight. He looked out the door and saw Bald Ben standing there.
"Wanna play?" Bald Ben asked.
“Alright,” Bald Leon agreed.
They made their way into town and had a jolly time together, playing tag, kicking seagulls, and running in front of cars to brake check them, laughing the whole time. eventually, they got tired and decided to go to WHSmith for a drink. They grab a tin of coke from the fridge and make their way to the till, but something caught Bald Leon's eye as they approached.
"That lift," he said.
"What about it," asked Bald Ben.
"My head is telling me that's the lift Violin Man used to get to this time" explained Bald Leon
"Whos Violin man?" Bald Ben asked, confused.
"He is this knobhead who tried to kill me when I first got defrosted, my dad, The Master, tasked him with stopping me from doing something, I don't really care what because I'll do it anyway, no one tells me what to do, but Violin man tried to kill me instead of stopping me and that pissed off my dad. If I was Violin Man, I'd be trying to collect the rest of the forever Pebbles because with those he could stop my dad from interfering and also kill me. This Violin Man is basically my nemesis".
Bald Ben stared at Bald Leon, terrified by his tale, but is quickly distracted with his own story.
"I have an arch-nemesis. His name is Hubert Green. I tried to make his grandson kill himself but he wouldn't and now he keeps shouting abuse at me and chasing me with a big stick, it's uncalled for."
"That's shit bro," said Bald Leon sympathetically, ignoring the encouraging suicide part.
When they went back to school it was the first day of a new term and they had been given new timetables, they had been placed in the same Drama, Maths and English classes.
Their first lesson was Drama and Bald Ben's had to do his performance in front of the class.
Bald Leon realised the class laughed at Bald Ben in a similar way to the way they laugh at Bald Leon, only they laugh at Bald Ben because he is 43 and still in school, and he always wears the same dirty white shirt and is 4'4 ft tall.
Bald Ben stood at the front of the class of 30 students, and he could see his new friend Bald Leon at the back of the class due to Bald Leon's freakish height.
Bald Leon got onto the stage and stood there staring.
"Well go on then Bald Ben," said the Drama teacher.
"To be or not to be" Bald Ben declared in a comically cartoonish way.
Bald Leon started laughing straight away and insulted Bald Ben saying how shit his performance is.
The classes social justice warrior students stand up and say "you really shouldn't laugh at that, he is doing his best and I think your discriminating because he is short".
"since when do we have SJW's here? where were you when I was getting bullied on my first day?" asked Bald Leon
However before Bald Leon could berate the SJW anymore, Bald Ben sprints off of the stage towards Bald Leon and uppercuts him under his chin, launching him off of the ground and through the ceiling of the drama studio, 100 ft into the air.
Bald Ben turned to the social justice warriors and said "Fuck off”.
He then jumped several feet into the air and then punched Bald Leon back to the ground, sending shockwaves through the concrete collapsing the building making a crater for the students to fall into.
As the two Balds began to roll on the floor fighting each other, the school security tackled them both and sent them to the headmaster, Luckily for the security, Bald Leon had not had 5-hour energy for 5 hours and 12 minutes, because if he had, they would have been toast.
The pair sit outside the headmaster's office in silence before being called inside. The headmaster immediately demands an explanation as to why these two adults posing as students were acting younger than the age group they are supposed to be blending in with.
"He laughed at my performance!". Shouted Bald Ben.
"Yeah because it was shite". Interjects Bald Leon
"ENOUGH!" Shouted the headmaster.
"Who shat in your cornflakes this morning" muttered Bald Leon.
"You are both having 2 weeks detention".
"But that's not faiiiir" Bald Ben moaned.
“Listen here you chubby retard, I don't know why this school keeps letting you resit your year, but if you keep shit like this up, it'll be your last at this school,” the Headmaster said coldly.
He then dismissed the boys back to the classroom.
The pair walk down the corridor to their English lesson
"No hard feelings right?" asked Bald Leon
"Of course not, I just wanted to get out of doing my performance, that was a good plan" replied Bald Ben
“By the way, Why do they keep letting you resit every year?” Bald Leon asked interested.
“They don't, I just keep turning up because it’s closer to come here than the job centre” Bald Ben replied with a grin on his face, pleased to show off his cunning scheme to someone.
“Haha, clever that lad” Bald Leon Replied.
they walk to class, friends again as if nothing had happened.
Bald Leon had found the Yin to his Yang in his new Friend Bald Ben, but he had forgotten about someone.
He had forgotten about Jack.
CHAPTER 6: THE BIRTH OF A BALD
Jack was not feeling good. He was jobless, he had bored one of his only friends into moving out, and his wife and kids still hadn't come back from centre parks after months of being there, He was happy they were having such a good time they didn't want to leave, but he still missed them. He was happy that Bald Leon had found someone like him that he could be friends with, but he was still so so unhappy that it had taken away his only company.
But then Jack had the worst idea of his life.
"I just gotta fit in with them," he thought.
He rushed upstairs and grabbed a razor, he shaved all of the hair off of his head and trimmed his beard into a goatee. He then went into his wife dresser drawer and took out her old reading glasses
"goodbye Jack Smith," Said Jack
"and hello Bald Jack" Said Bald Jack
Bald Jack closed the drawer and left his house. He walked down the road towards where Bald Leon now lived. when he arrived at the house he knocked on the door hoping to see Bald Leon. Ulga answered the door.
"Jack? Is that you? you look-" Ulga began
"good?" Asked Bald Jack
"Idiotic" Ulga finished.
"oh, uh well I'm trying something new" explained Bald Jack "anyway, is Bald Leon in?"
"No, I have not seen him since he went to play out with that Bald Ben friend of his" Ulga replied
"ok thank you, ill ask at Bald Ben's house" Bald Jack replied, thanking Ulga and leaving.
Bald Jack left Bald Leon's house and walked two houses down to Bald Ben's house. It was being repaired from Bald Leon and Bald Ben's antics. He knocked on bald Ben's door and his father, Mr Choo, answered the door.
"What do you want?" asked Mr Choo
"erm, I was wondering if Bald Leon or Bald Ben were here?" Asked Bald Jack in response
"No. He's been gone for 2 weeks, no call no text nothing, Him and Bald Leon 'playing out' apparently" answered Mr Choo
"Well do you have any idea where I could find them?" enquired Bald Jack
"They said they were going town, check there" Mr Chood replied, slamming the door in Bald Jack's face. The door hit Bald Jack on his nose, breaking it, and causing him to collapse whilst clutching it.
Once he had recovered, Bald Jack made his way into town. As he got off the bus he walked down the road onto the main high street, he looked through several of Bald Leon's favourite shops (Ladbrokes, Coral, a variety of off-licenses and "nice n Naughty") before getting frustrated and sitting on a bench.
"I'm never going to find them at this rate"
Just at that moment, a loud, ear-piercing screech could be heard from WHSmith's, Bald Jack jumped up and ran into the store. He guessed that the noise must have been from the lift so he walked over to investigate it. As he looked it over he could see nothing abnormal so he pressed the button to open the door. The doors opened like normal so Bald Jack walked inside and pressed the button to go to the next floor up. The lift immediately burst into flames as Bald Jack screamed. he dived through the glass walls of the lift and began to roll to put out the fire. Once he had extinguished the blaze he looked back at the lift and saw that Bald Leon and Bald Ben were underneath the lift wearing boiler suits and carrying dangerous heavy machinery. Bald Leon had cut out a large metal square from the bottom of the lift, and cut straight through the cables which caused the fire.
"I KNEW IT HE GOT THE TIME PEBBLE" shouted Bald Leon.
"So what now? I think we should go get it off him" suggested Bald Ben
"Good Plan" replied Bald Leon.
They tore away the boiler suits revealing their regular outfits underneath. They then climbed out of the lift pit and set off towards the hospital, but they were stopped by Bald Jack
"Howdy fellas! I'm Bald Jack, I'm like you now!" Proclaimed Bald Jack
Bald Leon and Bald Ben looked at each other.
"hmm there aren't any 'Bald-Waves™' signals being emitted from your head so you still aren’t a Bald, but you seem pretty weird so you can tag along," said Bald Leon.
"were going to the hospital to turn off Violin Man's life support or something, do you want to come with?" asked Bald Ben
They all set off together to the hospital. When they arrived at the desk they claimed to be friends and family of Violin Man who had heard about the accident. They were told that he had just come out of surgery to remove the glass shards from his brain, but they could visit him at the regular visiting times. the trio sat in the waiting room for three hours until visiting time began, and when that time arrived they headed to Violin Man's ward and surrounded his bed. Bald Jack stared at the plugs on Violin Man's life support system. He slowly reached for them, his hands shaking with anxiety. Was he about to take this man's life just to get some friends? No, he couldn't do it. He withdrew his hand and put it into his trouser pockets.
"hahaha you're well weak Bald Jack" taunted Bald Ben
ben picked up a glass of water that had been left out for Violin man and threw it over the electronics, causing them to fizz and crackle as sparks flew around the room.
Violin Man's eyes suddenly sprang open. He kicked Bald Leon through the double doors of the ward and into a wall, and within a blink of an eye, Violin Man had already grabbed his violin and swung it, smacking Bald Ben on the head, knocking him to the ground. Violin Man then picked up Bald Jack, and threw him out of the window, smashing into a parked car below. Bald Leon then charged in and tried to wrestle the Violin from Violin Man's hand, but Violin Man skillfully manoeuvred the violin out of Bald Leon's grasp, before playing 3 quick notes that sent a bolt of lightning from the end of the Violin, shocking Bald Leon and sending him flying through an outside wall. Bald Ben swept Violin Man's legs from under him and started hounding him with punches, but Violin Man managed to block every single strike using the body of the violin. He kneed Bald Ben in the groin, making him groan in pain, and then Violin Man kicked him in the middle of his chest, sending him through the same hole in the wall Bald Leon had made.
As Bald Ben picked himself up off of the floor, the trio regrouped and realised they were no match for Violin Man today.
"come on lad lets leg it!" shouted Bald Leon to Bald Ben
The pair ran off back towards their houses
"Wait for me!" shouted Bald Jack, limping after them.
The trio escaped as Violin Man played a sombre tone, granting him an energy field that gently lowered him to the ground from the smashed hospital wall.
"Run if you like" He spoke to the air "It won't save you"
CHAPTER 7: THE MAN FROM DULAK
Much time passed and Violin Man began to regain his strength after coming out of the hospital. The Balds however did not share Violin Man's desire for self-improvement and had spent a lot of their time watching TV and getting up to more mischief. They were responsible for an uncountable amount of petty crimes and had done untold damage to the global economy, but there was one place that was not feeling the effects of the Bald's economic and environmental rampage.
In a small Bangladeshi slum named “Dulak”, the villagers were cheering for their favourite warrior: Rahabbi Alatosh. Rahabbi was the towns warrior and also their chief source of income, as warriors far and wide would come to the illegal gladiator ring he had created to do battle with him, all of which was streamed onto the dark web for people to pay to watch. He had earned thousands for his village, creating crucial infrastructure, and saving lives. Rahabbi did not know it, but he was actually the greatest swordsman in his time, far outclassing any living opponent and many more dead ones. If he had taken the opportunity, he could have become an Olympic fencer, however, he declined this offer as the gladiatorial ring was far more profitable.
Rahabbi was engaged in his latest fight, against a disgraced fencing athlete who fancied their luck in Rahabbis world. They were wrong to assume they had a chance. Rahabbi had bet that he would take down the opponent by the fourth round, in truth, he could have cut this person in half in round one, but Rahabbi earned more money if he prolonged the fights. His opponent was getting tired, leaving easy openings for Rahabbi to strike, and he was merciless. Rahabbi baited his opponent into going for an easy blow to his chest, and the athlete took the bait hook line and sinker. In the opening he had created, Rahabbi got behind his opponent and sliced their leg open, forcing them to fall to the ground.
“Surrender” Demanded Rahabbi.
“Never!” countered his opponent "What have I to live for anyway?"
"So be it" stated Rahabbi
with a lightning-fast swing, Rahabbi decapitated his opponent most mercifully and quickly he could. After honouring his opponent, he turned to the crowd and put on his showmanship attitude.
The crowd cheered for the charismatic Rahabbi and he shouted to the crowd "IS THERE NOBODY WHO CAN DEFEAT ME!".
"I will" responded a voice.
Rahabbi turned to the source of the reply, it was a man wearing a black cloak
"I'm sure you can't fight wearing that my friend!" Rahabbi shouted heartily, causing the crowd to laugh
The man unclasped his cloak, allowing it to drop to the floor, revealing the hardened warrior underneath, armed with nothing but his fists, his wits, and a purple Violin.
Rahabbi was taken aback when he realised who had come to face him.
"It's you, isn't it? Violin Man?" asked Rahabbi.
“You're a hard man to find, Rahabbi Alatosh” answered Violin man "I'm sure you may have heard, I've got into rock collecting recently, and word is, you have a rather lovely Warrior Pebble that I'd just love to take off your hands"
"I'm afraid it's not for sale my friend" responded Rahabbi
"Then I guess I'll have to TAKE OFF your hands" replied Violin Man
He quickly pulled his violin from its custom holster, and whilst holding it he flicked his wrist, which caused a sharp razor edge to emerge from the fingerboard, and he lurched towards Rahabbi, forcing him onto the defensive. Rahabbi quickly recovers and puts some distance between himself and Violin Man, allowing Rahabbi to leap high into the air and slams his sword into Violin Man's instrument, locking the two-bladed edges together
"They say you spoke with God himself, you befriended him yet you know about my special pebble. I guess that makes you worthy to battle me, and with the help of god you will have a chance of winning” Rahabbi spoke
“There is no god” Muttered Violin man in response.
Violin Man shoves his weight into Rahabbi, forcing him back and as Rahabbi rushes Violin Man again, Violin Man taps into the power of the time pebble, making Rahabbi's moves appear slow to Violin Man, letting him dodge every single rapid sword swipe with ease.
"The way you fight I'm not sure this warrior pebble is worth it. Are you sure you want to die for it?'' Violin Man taunted.
Angered by the Taunt Rahabbi charged Violin man with another barrage of sword swipes, all of which are dodged with little effort from Violin Man. Violin Man puts enough distance between him and Rahabbi to allow him the opportunity to play his Violin. Energy erupts from the instrument, chasing Rahabbi around the arena, forcing him to dodge the bolts of raw power. Violin Man quickly changed the style of music, shifting the energy into more directable beam damage, which he pointed towards Rahabbi, who in turn attempted to block it with his sword. The two begin to close in on each other, causing the energy to ripple uncontrollably around the arena. The two get mere inches from each other as Violin Man showed no signs of letting up.
"This Violin is magical, You know. It is virtually indestructible, and made from a type of wood as hard as steel, as your teeth are about to find out"
Violin Man quickly spun out of the way of Rahabbi and his sword, before backhanding the violin straight into Rahabbi's mouth, shattering his teeth. Before Rahabbi can recover, he is smacked in the back of the head by the violin once again, and as he begins to fall, he is hit in the face a second time, breaking his nose and forcing him to drop his sword.
The beaten Rahabbi began to stand again but was smacked on the side of the head with the violin, deafening him in his ear. Violin Man then grabbed Rahabbi by his arm and twisted it behind his back, forcing him to the floor.
“The pebbles are pretty powerful don't get me wrong. but when you're facing another pebble wielder, it's essentially a battle without pebbles, because they balance out. You don't know it but you're remembered as one of the greatest warriors of your time. Unfortunately for you, i'm not from your time.”
Violin Man then twisted Rahabbi's arms completely, breaking them both in multiple places and making him scream in pain. The blood-curdling scream and the sound of cracking bones is the only sound in the deathly quiet arena
“I YIELD!” Rahabbi Begged
“I do not care” Replied Violin man
Violin Man holstered his Violin, then picked up Rahabbi's sword, he raised it above his head and executed Rahabbi. The crowd screamed in anguish, and people began to run from the arena. Violin Man begins to examine the sword he was holding, he looks at the hilt, encrusted with beautiful Jewels. He holds the sword by the handles, squeezing it with inhuman strength, causing the wood to shatter, and as the priceless jewels and metal of the sword clatter to the ground, Violin Man is left holding the Warrior Pebble which had been embedded in the blade. He takes the pebble and places it inside of his Violin with the time pebble. He now had the ability of great warrior prowess, and complete malleability over time.
The news of the skirmish at the Alatosh arena quickly spread, it was all the local news could talk about, and eventually, the national Bangladeshi news caught on too. Sadly, the death of the greatest swordsman of our time was not international front-page news, however, it was noted in special interest magazines for swordsmen. one of these publications was "Way of the Blade UK", and one of their subscribers, was Bald Leon.
Bald Leon was sat at the kitchen table reading through his newly delivered addition of "Way of the Blade UK", and as he read the first story, he threw the magazine across the room in frustration.
"MY HERO RAHABBI ALATOSH HAS BEEN BRUTALLY KILLED BY VIOLIN MAN" shouted Bald Leon in shock.
"What? Who's that" Asked Bald Jack
Bald Leon ignored Bald Jack, deep in thought "He must have the warrior pebble, I thought he gave up since we haven't seen him since the hospital incident" Bald Leon spoke aloud.
"Who is Rahabbi?" Questioned Bald Ben.
"Only the second best swordsman in the universe." Bald Leon replied, dignifying Bald Ben with an Answer
"So who's the best?" asked Bald Jack
"Me" boasted Bald Leon
Bald Leon went upstairs and came back down again within moments with two fully packed suitcases, he hands one to Bald Ben. Bald Ben checked the case and saw it was full of enough of his white vests with egg stains on them to last a week. Bald Leon turned to Bald Jack.
"I hope you've packed your suitcase cause we are going to Bangladesh. Now!" commanded Bald Leon
"Hey fellas that sound's awesome and all, but I haven't packed a case I haven't received any notice of this, like this is the first time you've told me about it and were going right now? I don't even know if my passport is in date!" Bald Jack replied
"If you don't come that means your gay" mumbled Bald Ben.
Bald Jack let out a huge sigh, he knew that if he didn't go with them he would be bullied mercilessly by them, and he felt that they were just beginning to accept him as one of them.
"fine, just let me grab the essentials," said Bald Jack
"you have one minute" Bald Leon instructed Bald Jack
Bald Jack sprinted upstairs trying to make sure he had everything he needed for a one week trip to the other side of the world. He only had time to grab his passport, some change, 2 spare t-shirts, some toothpaste (but no toothbrush), his comb (which he had grabbed out of habit, forgetting that it was now useless to him) and his phone charger (but not his phone).
"ok, that's enough time" Bald Leon commanded, before escorting Bald Jack out of his own home.
they stepped out of Bald Jack's house, not even giving him a chance to lock his front door before pushing him down his path and out onto the pavement. Bald Leon and Bald Ben pulled Bald Jack into the middle of the road to form a human barricade for a passing taxi that they could use. The driver slammed on his brakes and allowed the trio to get inside, and they asked to be taken to the airport.
"So been busy lately mate?" Said Bald Jack
"Yes very busy, busiest Sunday I have had in a while" replied the taxi driver.
Bald Leon noticed that the driver was speaking in a mild Indian accent.
"You sound Bangladeshi. We are going there so I can sword fight Violin Man to avenge Rahabbi Alatosh" explained Bald Leon.
The taxi driver looked confused. "I am not Bangladeshi I am from the UK, but my grandparents were from India which is close to Bangladesh, so good guess, A lot of people don't know it, but Bangladesh is another country but is right next door to India so I understand your confusion," said the taxi driver in a kind tone, with the good intention of educating these men to ease racial tensions.
"All the same really," said Bald Leon, not at all caring about equality.
"BALD LEON WHY DID YOU SAY THAT, I'M SO SORRY ABOUT HIM" shouts Bald Jack.
"ok I've had enough of you racist's" replied the driver "I tried to educate you and be nice about it, but you are clearly just ignorant assholes"
The driver pulled over onto the side of the road, and took the Bald's possessions out of the boot of his car, leaving them on the side of the road, 6 miles from the airport, and with 2 hours to get to their flight.
"You fucking dickhead Bald Jack," said Bald Ben.
"Yeah why would you go all white knight defending him, He clearly kicked us out because he was offended you thought he couldn't defend himself" Bald Leon shouted
"Me? He said he didn't like you being racist! I didn't say any racism!" Jack responded
"It was racist of you to assume he needed help defending himself" Said Bald Ben, chuckling to himself because he knew he was upsetting Bald Jack.
"It's ok Bald Ben, he didn't know it'd upset the driver, let's just go to the airport" Bald Leon said, closing down Bald Jack's counter-argument before he could make it.
As punishment for creating the circumstances where the other two had to walk, Bald Leon and Bald Ben made bald Jack take both of their suitcases, neither of which had wheels, forcing Bald Jack to lag behind the other two as they strode ahead, berating Bald Jack for going to slow. They got to the outside of the airport with just 15 minutes to spare, meaning they had little time to check in and drop off their suitcases.
"I hate to be the one to break the bad news fellas but it seems like we ain't gonna make it" said Bald Jack.
"We will make it," Bald Ben said sniggering to himself
He looked over to the concierge at the doorway to the first-class departures lounge. He approached the man and put on a terrible upper-class accent.
"oh helloo they're" Bald Ben spoke eloquently
The concierge looked Bald Ben up and down, staring at the ripped cargo shorts, his off-white "wife beater" vest that was covered in egg, and the fact he clearly hadn't intentionally washed his hands in his life.
"May I have your ticket, sir?" Asked the Concierge
"Ah yisss I HOV it Write Hiyarrrrr" Continued Bald Ben
"Unfortunately sir, this is the first-class check-in area, your tickets are for... the luggage hold" explained the concierge
"So are you going to lit me in or h-what," asked Bald Ben
"I'm afraid not through this way"
Bald Ben looked at the man, staring straight at him. Bald Ben pulled out his phone and began to type furiously. The concierge's phone rang
"Hello sweetheart what's wrong?" the concierge asked his phone
Bald Ben smiled.
"our... our son did what?" asked the concierge shocked
The concierge ran away from his position, no longer caring about his job, sprinting in the direction of the staff car park.
"Right this way lad's" beckoned Bald Ben
The Bald's headed into the upper-class lounge and began to take every complimentary item they could get their hands on. Bald Jack didn't particularly want to, but Bald Leon had threatened him, so he joined in their collecting. They approached the check-in desk, and as they did, the check-in lady gripped her nose due to the stench being emitted by Bald Ben.
The check-in lady tried to compose herself and stuttered as she said "wh- where is it y-your going".
"Bangladesh!" the 3 Balds say with smiling faces.
"D-Do you have your T-tickets please".
Bald Leon and Bald Ben hand the lady their one-way ticket's to Bangladesh.
"Wait where's mine?" questioned Bald Jack
“We didn't get you one, we just needed someone to carry the bags for us" said Bald Leon.
"Bu-"
"Bye" said Bald Ben cutting Bald Jack off.
Bald Jack was astonished. He began to walk out of the airport carrying the plastic bag with his belongings. It was then that he realised he only had enough change to get them to the airport, which the taxi driver had taken all of, so Bald Jack was forced to walk 50 miles home.
Bald Leon and Bald Ben checked in their bags and walked through to the metal detector area, they approached the scanners and got into the line. Bald Ben walked through first. The machine beeped so the security guard had to search for him. The security guard began the pat-down and put his hand around Bald Ben's ankle.
Bald Ben immediately looked at the man in disgust "Why are you touching me up that's well gay".
"Sir the machine detected you have metal items and i have to pat you down to ensure you're not carrying anything you shouldn't be, i can assure you i am not touching you up as that would be inappropriate conduct".
The officer finds that Bald Ben hadn't removed his phone from his pockets because he couldn't be bothered to read the sign, so he lets him go through the detector again. It doesn't go off the second time, so he is free to go.
Bald Leon walked through the detector next, and just like Bald Ben, it bleeped, the security guard began to pat down Bald Leon as he did Bald Ben, fully expecting a phone again, however, what he found was far more sinister.
"BLADE BLADE BLADE" Shouted the Guard
Bald Leon was immediately handcuffed and escorted into one of the side rooms to be interrogated.
"Why the hell did you bring a sword to the airport," asked the interrogator
"I need it to battle Violin Man, He killed Rahabbi Alatosh so I have to go and swordfight him" explained Bald Leon
"Right." said the interrogator. he pulled out his radio and closed the bars on Bald Leon's cell. "I'm going to need a psych assessment in cell 6b, detainee appears to be suffering from delusions, possible substance abuse."
The interrogator left the cell block, leaving Bald Leon in the cell. Bald Leon looked at his surroundings. it was a small cramped cell, with a toilet, a bed, and a side table. no windows in the room itself, but there was one at the end of the cellblock corridor. Bald Leon had been left some lunch, a slice of bread with some butter and a glass of water. Bald Leon looked at the tiny stick of butter, he picked it up and took it out of its packaging, he bit through half of it and swallowed it whole. "delicious" he thought. He then took the other half and rubbed it over himself, as thinly as he could manage, he then began to press himself against the bars, attempting to slip through the tight gap between the metal bars. The bars began to creak, before completely breaking free of the wall, due to Bald Leon's immense strength.
"close enough," Bald Leon said to himself
Bald Leon then climbed through the window at the end of the corridor, so that no one could see that he had slipped out of the cell, he ran along the roof of the airport, trying to find a way back in. He was standing above the terminal his flight was departing from, and he could see Bald Ben trying on a Hawaiian shirt to go over his dirty white shirt in the airport Primark. Bald Leon worked out which skylight was connected to the men's toilet, and then slipped back inside the airport. He walked out of the toilet and found Bald Ben as quickly as he could.
"Hi Bald Leon did you get your sword back," Bald Ben asked cheerfully.
"No I didn't and we don't have time. Will have to get a new sword while I'm their" sniffled Bald Leon upset that his favourite sword had been confiscated.
They sprint towards the gate for their flight, make a quick detour to the burger king and then sprint back to the gate with 40 seconds to spare. They hand in the tickets and then get sat down just in time.
Bald Ben sighed "all that Pallava, for business class"
"I know right? The guys we grabbed the tickets off were well cheap, we stopped them from seeing their family for this what the fuck. No wonder their families don't live near them. if they were this cheap I wouldn't want to live near them either."
The Planes engines rumbled to life and taxied the plane to the runway, as the engines hit full power and lifted the plane into the air, Bald Leon could see the security guards who had detained him standing at the gate, clearly looking for him, but since his tickets had not been used, they assumed he must have still been in the airport somewhere. Bald Leon stuck his finger up at them through the small window and mourned the loss of his favourite sword. The plane reached cruising altitude, and the seatbelts light went dark. The air hostess began to wheel down the food and drinks cart, stopping at each aisle, she reached the Balds and asked them “Would you like any complimentary snacks and drinks boys?”
“No thank you we haven't got any money” Replied Bald Leon
The hostess was confused “no it's ok gentlemen, these are complementary, you don't have to pay”
“The man said scram, now fuck off” replied Bald Ben on behalf of Bald Leon.
The Lady scurries away to the next row of seats as the Balds get comfortable.
“I'm going for a shit” Bald Leon tells Bald Ben
He got up and walked down the aisle, at the toilet door there was a 6-year-old about to open it to go inside. Bald Leon shoved his head causing him to fall over and out of Bald Leon's way. Bald Leon sat down and got comfortable. He turned his mobile data back on and browsed Facebook for half an hour, before leaving the toilet without flushing. When he left the stall he saw that the child was still waiting outside, but unfortunately, he had soiled himself while waiting. Bald Leon stared at the child in disgust and called him a dirty bastard, causing him to cry. He then headed back to his seat and sat back down. He decided that since he had such a long flight ahead of him, it made sense to try and sleep through it, so he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.
BANG
Bald Leon was woken up by the colossal noise. The plane had flown into a storm and been struck by a bolt of lightning, causing the wing to catch fire. there was a second explosion, and the burning wing completely detached from the plane, taking the cabin wall with it. everyone on the plane was screaming, except for Bald Leon, who was just annoyed he had been woken from his nap, Bald Ben was also awake, playing crossy roads on his phone. As the hole in the side of the plane started to grow in size, Bald Leon was sucked out of the fuselage, because he disagrees with seatbelts morally.
As he falls to the earth he takes out his phone and opens the Yelp app to review the airline.
"Flight took too long, unhappy with circumstances of arrival" Bald Leon spoke aloud as he typed, still falling towards the quickly approaching earth at terminal velocity. He finishes his review and goes through the process of posting, but before he can press "publish" he slams into the ground, creating a huge crater
"OW! My Big Toe!"
CHAPTER 8: MAROONED
Bald Leon lay face down with a mouthful of sand. He had just fallen from a mile high and slammed into the ground at terminal velocity and was left with nothing but a stubbed big toe. He sat up and spat out the sand he nearly swallowed and began to survey his surroundings. There was nothing but ocean for as far as the eye could see, apart from the small sandy spot that he had landed on, The island was mostly barren, with only 3 trees for shade and a few large rocks. As Bald Leon continued to observe his surroundings he felt a presence with him. He turned around and The Master had appeared.
"Yalright?" said The Master “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? haha. Just a little plane crash joke for you there”
"Where am I and who are you?" asked the confused and slightly delirious Bald Leon.
"You're on an island obviously, thought you were the smartest person in the world? I decided that you need to know a few things. Now I can tell that you are after Violin Man, and that's a little bit my fault, see I sent him back in time to stop you and Bald Ben from destroying the world, but for some reason, he interpreted that as killing you, and I can't be having that, but because of his action's the timeline has changed, and now HE is the one who will destroy the world unless he is stopped. You want to kill him don't you" said The Master.
"I do, he killed Rahabbi, so that fuckers gonna die. But you didn't answer my question. Who are you?" asked Bald Leon.
The Master paused, deciding whether to answer the question
"I am your father, The Master".
"Dad! My brain told me so much about you! Everything except how you look!" Bald Leon shouted, before running up to hug him.
The master floated several feet into the air to prevent this, as he was frankly repulsed by Bald Leon.
"Yeah well I am, Oh and by the way you're on one of the North Sentinel Islands, I'd get out of there" shouted The Master from the sky, disappearing from view.
Bald Leon began to walk along the beach, trying to work out which direction Bangladesh was in. when all of a sudden a spear hit the ground next to his feet. He looked in the direction that the spear came from and saw a small fleet of wooden boats coming towards him and landing on the beach, with lots of tribesmen getting out. He looked towards them feeling cocky.
"Ha nice weapons, but you don't wanna be a victim of my whirlwind sprint" boasted Bald Leon.
He ran behind the growing army in the blink of an eye, disorienting them.
"Too slow," he said in a cocky attitude, just as some of them worked out where he had run too. Bald Leon began to run again. he circled the group, getting faster and faster, using his superhuman speed to create a mini-tornado. The men in the middle began to be sucked into the whirlwind, and those who had not yet been blown away began to throw their spears wildly, hoping to hit bald Leon by sheer chance, as there was no way to aim at him at the speed he was going. One of the youngest tribesmen was terrified, gripping his spear for dear life. He felt the sand scorch his skin and then watched as his friend was carried up into the air. He regained focus and gripped his spear, and tossed it straight in front of him. by luck alone, the spear pierced Bald Leon's legs, ending the tornado and making Bald Leon fall to the ground, wood sticking through his leg.
"Ah oof ouch," said Bald Leon in pain.
He snapped the spear, still in his leg, and then pulled the two halves out, throwing them at the tribe. Bald Leon looked at the damage he had caused, there were still so many of the tribe left, and they had brought out their bows and arrows. Bald Leon tried to run away, but because of his wounded leg, he was slower than the average walking pace. he was quickly surrounded, and the tribe pointed their weapons at him. Bald Leon was left his one plan left.
"LOOK BEHIND YOU" he shouted and pointed behind them.
The whole tribe look where Bald Leon was pointing, and of course, didn't see anything. When they looked back to where Bald Leon was, he was gone. They all charged up the beach in the direction Bald Leon must have gone. When they had all runaway, Bald Leon crawled out from by the rocks that he had first seen. He then took one of the boats they had arrived on and sailed in the direction they had come from, he eventually found the largest North Sentinal Island. He decided his best move, for now, would be to get inland where he could hide amongst the trees and tall grass in the forest, so he stumbled in that direction looking for shelter, travelling for what seemed like miles. Eventually, he found a deep dark cave and decided that it would be his shelter for the night. He entered the cave and discovered the walls were lined with bats, so he carefully and quietly went further into the cave, to see how deep it actually went. As he got deeper and deeper into the cave, he eventually found a huge underground area that was much more open than the tight tunnels. there was a small hole at the top of this area, letting light come through, and rain drip into a puddle at the bottom. The cave was silent apart from Bald Leon's deep breathing, but then a mysterious high pitched voice could be heard.
"Yo"
"Who goes there!" Shouted Bald Leon.
"it's no coincidence that you're here. It's destiny. Come. Closer." beckoned the mysterious voice.
Bald Leon wandered further into the cave. closer to the voice. he rounded a corner and then he saw it. A shiny rock, glowing with its energy. no! not a rock. a pebble.
"The Gay Pebble?" asked Bald Leon.
"That's right. That thunderstorm that made the plane crash was no accident. The Master needed you to have this" explained the mysterious voice.
"Show yourself" Demanded Bald Leon
"If you wish". Replied the voice.
There was a puff of purple smoke, and a tiny primate appeared next to the forever pebble.
"No way! you're a little finger monkey! You got a name?" asked Bald Leon in disbelief.
“I'm a fucking monkey in the wild why would I have a name?” replied the monkey
“Can I call you Gerkin?” asks Bald Leon
"Gerkin or Gherkin? It sounds like you're spelling it wrong" enquired the Monkey.
"I don't know what spelling is, so I guess Gerkin without the H, less letter" Replied Bald Leon.
"fine by me" Replied Gerkin "Now grab the pebble and let's get out of here"
Bald Leon grabbed a hold of the pebble and Gerkin ran up onto his shoulder. They walked out of the cave and were spotted by a young warrior from the tribe, he drew his knife prepared to kill the invader, but as Bald Leon grew closer and grew larger and larger, the boy began to shake with fear before dropping his weapon and freezing in pure terror.
"Let's just go, he won't bother us if we leave him" Gerkin advised.
Bald Leon stood, staring down on the boy, shaking in fear and clearly in no state to battle such a titan. Bald Leon was calculating what to do with the boy. He was still very annoyed that one of the tribesmen had injured his leg, but then again Bald Leon was technically an outsider invading their land. He leaned forward to be at eye level with the boy and began to clear his throat. Bald Leon then coughed straight into the boy's face, covering him in spit.
"I'm glad you didn't hurt him, but what's a cough gonna do?" Questions Gerkin.
"hehehehe, not only have they not been in contact with the rest of humanity meaning they don't have an immunity to any of the rest of humanities illnesses, but my body still has loads of caveman viruses in it. They should all have been wiped out by the end of the week due to a mix of the common cold, and what we in caveman times called 'ugg bugg sniffles'. pretty good eh?" bragged Bald Leon.
"WHY? THEY WERE JUST SCARED OF YOU!" Shouted Gerkin
"Nah fuck them. My legs still stinging so they deserve it. Besides, you're just a finger monkey given consciousness to protect a pebble so shut the fuck up unless it's some juicy information" Bald Leon replied.
Gerkin was shocked at Bald Leon's complete lack of empathy, but he did have some more information to dispense "Well I'm not just the pebbles protector by the way. The Master tasked me with being your sidekick too"
"Well then as my sidekick, shut the fuck up and let's get to work on getting off this shithole island. My legs still fucked so I can't just run along the water, we're gonna have to get creative with getting out of here” Explained Bald Leon.
The pair first tried using some of the tribe's canoes and wooden barges, The tribe tried to prevent Gerkin and Bald Leon from stealing them, but the pair were able to defeat all of the warriors who faced them with ease, and each time they faced them, the warrior's numbers decreased because of the rapidly spreading disease. Eventually, there were no warriors left to fight them, so they took the boats with ease. However, these boats could not stay afloat when they got out into the strong ocean currents. So Gerkin and Bald Leon came up with a new plan. they began to cut down trees and pull off the leaves and strip the bark from the trunks. They used these supplies and the remaining boats, combining them into a larger and more stable craft. Gerkin and Bald Leon marvelled at their work.
“I dub thee, the HMS Bald” Bald Leon proclaimed, in awe of his own creation.
“Shit name,” remarked Gerkin.
They pushed the craft out to sea and began to paddle it out towards the ocean. They reached the mouth of the bay, tickling the edge of the ocean. The very first ocean wave to hit the boat destroyed it instantly. The pair began to swim back to sure, with Gerkin becoming uneasy when he spotted a pod of sharks in the distance, but they were too far at that moment to be a threat. They reached the now deserted shore and decided to take a moment to assess their situation. Bald Leon's leg was not healing and it had now become infected, and if they ventured out to see again, it may attract the sharks to come closer, and Gerkin was convinced that sharks loved to eat finger monkeys. Bald Leon was bored of playing with boats, so decided to play on his phone. miraculously, his phone not only still had a charge but a signal.
"How do you have a phone signal" questioned Gerkin
"Basically I was with Sky mobile, but like their wifi, the phone signal is really shit and it was cheaper for me to build my own satellite and launch it into space and have it track me at all times wherever I am on the planet than to pay the cancellation fee on my sky contract". Says Bald Leon.
"You can build your own mobile service provider but you can't build a wooden raft?" asked a confused Gerkin.
"I'm not the woodworking type" explained Bald Leon
"Right... well just call emergency services they will send a rescue and hurry up your only on 1%" Begged Gerkin
Bald Leon pressed the buttons on his phone and it began to ring. after what seemed like an eternity, the phone was finally answered.
"Alright Bald Leon" answered Bald Ben.
"Alright Bald Ben. where'd you end up in the crash haha" Asked Bald Leon
"after you flew out the back the plane kept flying a bit longer, we crashed in the water just outside Bangladesh, Oh and guess what? I got a strawberry ice cream cause I was so brave in the crash" Replied Bald Ben whilst licking his ice cream
"Where are you know?" asks Bald Leon.
"Dulak, I walked all the way to north Bangladesh to find Violin Man for you, and it turns out he went home a week before we even set off to the airport. We may as well have stayed in Chester haha" Bald Ben chuckled.
"Typical haha. Well, message Violin Man on Facebook calling him out and fight him in Chester for me. I'm stuck marooned on North Sentinel Island at the moment. been here a few months, but I'm calling emergency services after this" explained Bald Leon.
"CALL THE EMERGENCY SERVICES" shouted Gerkin.
"Geez Louise calm down, Ok Bald Ben I have to go, my new friend, Gerkin is saying I have to call for rescue for us," says Bald Leon
Bald Leon hung up the phone and began to type in 9-9-9. Before he could even press the second 9 his phone ran out of battery and shut down. Gerkin was furious with Bald Leon, calling him a moron and an imbecile, but Bald Leon had a perfectly reasonable explanation for why he had to call Bald Ben first. "Friends come first, I needed to ask how his holiday was going"
The pair recognised they wouldn't get anywhere by being at each other's throats, so they decided to call it a day and set up camp for the night, tying a large leaf each to two trees creating a hammock each. They both lay down and went to bed for the night. However, at 3 AM Bald Leon jerked awake, having an epiphany.
"Gerkin!" whispered Bald Leon.
Gerkin stirred and woke up, then leaned up from his hammock to see Bald Leon.
"What's wrong?" asked Gerkin.
"I worked out how to make electricity here”
"I can make a dynamo from some of the wreckage from the plane that washed ashore, and if I combine that with some wood and twine, I can make a box with a handle that if I spin for..... say 8 hours, it'll charge my phone enough for it to turn on," said Bald Leon.
"Th- that's amazing," said Gerkin, genuinely impressed by Bald Leon's intellect.
Bald Leon assembled the device and set it down on a rock. The two took shifts spinning the handle of the box. It took all night and well into the next day but the light of Bald Leon's phone screen eventually lit up their faces.
"Eureka!" Shouted Gerkin.
Earlier that day in Dulak, Bald Ben was having the time of his life. He was on a pub crawl, going bar to bar, drinking them dry and filling his face, and running away before paying off his tab. Eventually, Bald Ben found himself wandering out of town, and ended up at a graveyard. He stumbled across Rahabbi's grave and decided that it was the perfect shooting location to challenge Violin Man.
"Hey Violin Man! Me and Bald Leon want to avenge this bloke here!" He said, pointing at the gravestone, "If you're not a big pussy boy, you'll meet me for a scrap" Bald Ben pressed the stop record button and sent the video to Violin Man's personal Facebook account. Within a few seconds, Bald Ben received a reply from Violin Man accepting the challenge. Bald Ben put his phone back in his pocket and decided that it was time for him to go to bed. He found Rahabbi's house and looked at the "for sale" sign outside.
"Nobody lives here now haha. guess I can sleep in it".
Bald Ben threw a brick through the window of the house and climbed through. he went upstairs and put on some of Rahabbi's Pyjamas and got into his bed. Bald Ben cuddled up to Rahabbi's teddy bear and drifted off to sleep. He dreamed his usual soothing dream, the one where the president went crazy and fired all the nukes. Bald Ben slept incredibly well, and when he woke up he yawned and stretched as he listened to the birds tweeting outside.
There was a loud thud, and Violin man smashed his way into the house through the roof. Before Bald Ben could even react Violin Man grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and threw him through the wall. Violin Man jumped through the hole that Bald Ben had made, and took out his Violin and smacked Bald Ben on the side of his head, hitting him so hard he flew across the sky into the local town centre. Bald Ben's large body had landed in a crowd, the shockwave created by his colossal mass had killed some and injured many. Bald Ben got back on his feet just in time to see Violin Man flying towards him, riding his Violin like a hoverboard at high speed. He collided with Bald Ben, knocking him into and through several of the poorly constructed houses. Violin Man then started playing his Violin, firing energy blasts nearly aimlessly in Bald Ben's general direction, causing yet more property damage. Bald Ben emerged from the rubble, Rahabbi's pyjamas in tatters revealing the clothes he had on the day before. Violin Man was now able to target him directly, firing sonic blasts straight into Bald Ben, but due to Bald Ben's weight, he was able to absorb all of the energy, doing nothing but forcing out a burp. This angered Bald Ben, and he charged towards Violin Man, punching him across the jaw, but to Bald Ben’s shock, Violin Man didn't even flinch.
"Nobody can take the power of my punches, how did you do that" demanded a shocked Bald Ben.
"I'm becoming more powerful than any Bald. I'm gonna kill you, then Bald Leon and any other Bald who gets in my way. Hell, I'll even kill the master!" Violin Man shouted.
He grabbed Bald Ben by the neck and pulled him into a headlock. He then started giving him a nuggie on the top of his Bald Head, making his head wrinkle back and forth with the friction. Violin Man began to laugh at and taunt Bald Ben.
"Who wears Hawaiian shirts in Bangladesh” Violin Man taunts “you're not in Hawaii hahaha you should wear all leather, like me. then maybe I wouldn't kill you as painfully"
The nuggie started to take the skin off of Bald Ben’s scalp, however, Bald Ben was getting even angrier from the bullying of his choice of clothes.
"NOBODY, AND I MEAN NOBODY, MAKES FUN OF MY FASHION CHOICES!" He screamed. He broke free of the headlock and punched Violin man in the chest causing him to stagger backwards, winded.
Violin Man bashed Bald Ben on the head with the Violin causing him to fall backwards, and letting Violin Man start to play fast, sudden notes on his violin, sending deadly lightning bolts at bald Ben. One of the bolts hit a metal railing and travelled along it onto a nearby pylon. The sudden spike in electricity travelled across the towns entire electrical grid, blowing up all of the power terminals, and starting a chain reaction that started fires all over the town made up of mostly wood and thatch. to make matters worse, one of the sparks had landed on Bald Ben and ignited his cheap nylon Hawaiian shirt, burning it off of him instantly. Bald Ben knew he couldn't win this battle and quickly retreated in all of the commotions. Violin Man lost sight of Bald Ben and decided he should get out of there too before the army turned up, even if he could defeat them, it would get messy and cost him a lot of time, so he dropped his violin to the ground, stood on it, and hovered away.
Back on the island, Bald Leon and Gerkin had given the phone enough power to last them a while. They were both starting to get hungry as they had eaten most of the islands food reserves.
“Now that the phone is charged we can finally call for help!” Cheered Gerkin.
Gerkin peered onto Bald Leon's screen, waiting for him to dial for the emergency services, but saw that he was actually on the Deliveroo app looking at the McDonalds menu.
"What are you doing?" Shouted Gerkin.
"I'm hungry. plus if it gets on the news that I needed help getting off of an abandoned desert island I'd be well embarrassed, I mean anyone can get off of these if Tom Hanks can. No, I won't be ringing for emergency services" explained Bald Leon.
"Even if that whole reason wasn't completely insane, you can't even get an English delivery service to come here, we're on the other side of the planet" Gerkin Countered.
"I used my VPN to say that I'm back home and then just put in the delivery notes that I want it delivered here, and if they don't do it I'm leaving a one-star review," Bald Leon said, impressing even himself with his genius plan.
“You actually think one of the couriers will accept that order,” asked Gerkin.
The phone suddenly pings announcing that a courier had accepted the order and the food is on its way. The app showed who had been crazy or ignorant enough to accept the order. The courier's name was Bald Ollie. The pair watched the screen intently, trying to anticipate what route he would take to get from the northwest of England to North Sentinal Islands, but for 10 whole minutes, the courier didn't move an inch, stood on a random road as if he had stage fright and was afraid to move. After staring for a while, by complete chance, the pair blinked at the same time, and the courier instantly moved from where he was to a McDonald's location. The pair decided that the app might be lagging, so they might as well do some other work while they waited. Gerkin went back to turning the crank charging the phone, and Bald Leon went back to organising his new rock collection. within a minute the app pinged again. They thought that the courier must have cancelled the order, but when they looked at the screen it indicated that the driver had arrived at his destination, and was somehow standing on the other side of the island. They walked to the beach and found Bald Ollie standing there holding out both of his hands, one holding the bag of McDonald's, and the other holding out his open palm, expecting a tip. Gerkin realised that Bald Ollie was standing inhumanely still and it was impossible to tell if he was even breathing. Bald Leon tried to take the bag from Bald Ollie's hand, but his vice-like grip made that impossible. Bald Leon took out a knife and cut the bottom of the bag, causing the food to drop on the floor. He and Gerkin immediately devoured the fried food and then stared at this statue of a man. They did everything they could to make him move. They tried shoving him, they tried making him laugh, they tried digging underneath him and all that did was make him sink into the sand. They eventually gave up, taking one last look at the Bald with his hand stretched out expecting a tip, they walked away from him and saw that he had got to the beach using a pedalo. They climbed aboard and began to sail out to sea. As they got a significant distance from the island, Gerkin turned back and could see that Bald Ollie had turned around to face them, and now had just the one hand stretched out expecting a tip
Gerkin turned back around as he and Bald Leon sailed back to the mainland…
CHAPTER 9: THE WAY OF THE BLADE
Bald Ben stumbled into a park a few miles from Dulak. He was breathless from running for the first time in his life, and he was terrified that Violin Man was following him still, cursing himself for even thinking for a moment he could take Violin Man alone. He was parched from all of the exercise, so he stopped at a street vendor and purchased a soda, a "Mister Pepper", the Doctor Pepper of this part of the world, who did not have a medical license. He slumped onto a bench and began to drink his beverage when he became startled by someone approaching. He was about to throw his bottle of Mister Pepper when he realised that it was just a postman. The postman approached Bald Ben and handed him a glass bottle
"This message in a bottle we found on the beach is addressed to you," said the postman.
"How do you know I'm Bald Ben?".
"I'm a really good postman" explained the postman as he walked away.
Bald Ben attempted to shake the paper out of the bottle, but it had become slightly too large to fit through the hole as it had unrolled inside of the bottle. Bald Ben then tried to shove his rotund fingers into the glass but was unable to get more than his fingertip inside. Bald Ben became enraged and gripped the bottle, steaming with anger. He gripped the bottle so hard that the glass shattered in his hand, making blood pour out from his palm. Bald Ben ignored this and picked up the now attainable paper. He examined it and found that it was a deliveroo receipt, and upon closer inspection, he recognised Bald Leon's distinct penmanship. He opened the receipt and began to read the note.
Dear Bald Ben, I am writing you this note as my phone has, unfortunately, run out of battery. Luckily before it did, we ordered a deliveroo from England to the island and stole the delivery guy's pedalo, It will be a 2-week journey but by the time you get this letter we should be almost there, I hope Violin Man has returned as we are due our duel soon.
Signed... Bald Leon
PS I made friends with an intelligent finger monkey and wiped out a tribe with the common cold by coughing on one of them haha.
Bald Ben finished reading the note, scrunched it up and tossed it over his shoulder. He got up and began to walk to the village neighbouring Dulak, as he had been told that they have an internet cafe. When he got to the village he went straight to the cafe and ordered 2 hours of internet access and went straight onto his favourite NSFW website. He began to whack one out in the internet cafe, while the rest of the customers of the cafe stared in awe and shock, some even retching as this obese man pleasured himself publicly, dead to the world, as if no one else was there. Bald Ben's concentration was broken when his email account pinged. He had received an email from the school intended for his parents (he had given the school a fake email). The email included his term report so he opened it. He was confused to find that he had received exceptional grades in the last term, which was strange because he and Bald Leon had not been in school for some time, as they could not be arsed to go anymore and had gone to Dulak instead. Before he could question it further, he received a call from Bald Leon on skype. He answered the call and Bald Leon's face filled his screen. Bald Leon looked the same as he did the day he fell out of the plane, almost 2 weeks ago, his beard had not grown and his suit was in immaculate condition.
"Alright Bald Leon"
"Alright Bald Ben"
"When did you get here?"
"About 2 hours ago, where is Violin Man? I'm about 7 miles away from Dulak and I can see the smoke"
"He beat me in a fight"
"Haha, pussy your well weak you got beat by a well old man hahaha," Bald Leon said while laughing “I reckon if we add him to the skype call he will agree to a rematch”
“Yeah go on” replied Bald Ben, before selecting Violin man’s number and adding him to the call. It did not take long for Violin Man to join the call from his phone.
“What the fuck do you greasy bastards want?” Violin man asked
“Rematch” mumbled bald ben
“Since you levelled Dulak, we should have the rematch in Dhaka and ill scrap you this time as well,” bargained Bald Leon
Violin Man thought about the Bald's request. Having them both in the same place would give him a chance to kill them both at the same time, even if he would be walking into a trap, But since he had TWO forever pebbles, and he was pretty sure the Bald's didn't even have any, He would have every advantage. "I'll be there at dusk in 2 days." Violin Man said before instantly leaving the call.
"I need to go shopping for a new sword. The airport security still have mine" said Bald Leon
"You know what that means!" Bald Ben shouted with excitement
They both jumped in the air and shouted "SHOPPING TRIP" very excited. Almost loud enough to drown out the sounds of fire engines headed to Dulak. Or the crumbling of buildings in Dulak. Or the screams from Dulak. Or the sound of a thousand souls being vanquished at once, doomed to reside in the void for eternity. The shout was loud. But not quite loud enough.
They travelled to Dhaka, a place where trade routes meet and merchants sold. A place with a very lucrative weapons market, which would be invaluable to Bald Leon. He and Bald Ben went window shopping, peering into stores. They passed a swordsmith, and something in the window caught Bald Leon's eye.
"Wooooow The Hachiwari 3000, it's the fastest one yet!”
Bald Leon went into the store and picked up the blade, it shimmered in the light and made an ominous hum as it was taken from its sheet. Bald Leon looked towards the shops training dummy, which was actually just a dwarf wearing the top half of a mannequin on his shoulders. Bald Leon slashed the sword in three quick strokes, taking a mere 2 seconds to complete the exercise.
“Wow the stabbing capacity has been increased to 50 Frames per second!” gawked Bald Leon.
"Ahhhh, I see you taken interest in the Hachiwari 3000," said the shopkeeper.
"Yes, she's a fine blade, how much for it?" Questioned Bald Leon.
"2000-" says the shopkeeper.
"Are you mad! I don't have that kind of money! And it's only worth 900 at most anyway!" Shouted Bald Leon.
"It's not money. Our currency is Rupees" the shopkeeper explained. He stood up and walked to the window. He stared longingly out of the window while holding the Hachiwari 3000.
"I used to be a warrior you know?" said the shopkeeper.
"Well I'm one now, so just fucking give it here” demanded Bald Leon completely uninterested in anything that the shopkeeper would have to say. The shopkeeper ignored Bald Leon to tell his story.
"I was a great warrior. I killed one thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine men with this blade in 2 months. My last fight was with Rahabbi Alatosh, a man I'm sure you are familiar with. We were brothers in arms, friends even, but we were put in a position where we had to fight each other, for our families. I had him on the ropes but I didn't want to kill him. So I decided to let up a bit, hoping that he’d yield to me and surrender, so we could both live. He took this as a sign I was getting tired, and he took this opening to kick the shit out of me. He was relentless, beating me to a pulp. I couldn't block everything. I went down and as I tried to get up again he chopped off my leg. I did not want to die, but he was not as forgiving as I, so I had to yield. My family shamed me and kicked me out of the house, I was homeless and I had to leave Dulak... I'm glad that place is gone." The shopkeeper paused mournfully.
"So can I have the sword," asked Bald Leon
"This sword will not sell for any price, It will only be your's if you can promise it will take a life. The weapon has a certain… sentimental value. The number is so close and not quite over 2000. It devalues it significantly"
"give me the sword and I will kill violin man with it. He killed Rahabi, so he will be avenged if you let me do it," says Bald Leon.
"AVENGE HIM? WERE YOU NOT LISTENING TO WHAT THAT BASTARD DID TO ME! WHAT HE TOOK! I would have wanted you to Kill that bastard Alatosh, but since someones beat you to it, his son will have to do, a man named Julian Alatosh. He’s the only Alatosh, left alive, and with their bloodline eliminated, I would be the last living Dulak warrior, and therefore the greatest!" The Shopkeeper shouted, a manic expression on his face.
"Fine, Julian Alatosh is as good as dead, give me the sword" Demanded Bald Leon
"Good... good. Julian can be found in London, he moved there some time ago, he's a very successful businessman, and soon to be a dead man" Chuckled the shopkeeper.
Bald Leon took the sword, and he and Bald Ben went to the local McDonald's to wait for a couple days for the battle with Violin Man. A few days later, the Bald's travelled to the Dhaka arena. Violin Man was already inside, and the crowd was roaring in anticipation for the duel they were about to witness. The Bald's entered to duelling zone, Bald Ben taking his position as Bald Leon's assistant. Bald Leon and Violin Man walked to the centre of the arena, a few paces away from each other. their eyes locked and their hand's hovering expectantly over their chosen weapons. Bald Leon looked Violin Man up and down and whispered in his ear "You look like you have mascara on, haha that's well gay!"
Violin Man ignores him and puts on his sunglasses, hiding his mascara covered eyes.
The referee came between the two, pushing them apart.
"I want a clean fight. if your opponent says yield you stop trying to kill him. That's the rules get to your corners." instructed the referee.
They both walk back to opposite corners, Bald Leon unsheathes his new sword and holds it by his side with the blade pointing away from him. Violin Man takes his Violin out of its case and secures the stones he has procured into its base, granting him the powers that they hold. He holds it up to his chin and gets ready to play.
"ROUND ONE. GO!" shouts the referee.
The pair charge together, weapons are drawn in an instant, and the sound of metal against violin wood fills the arena. Both fighters take every opening they see to attack their opponent, and both fighters block every single attack put towards them. Violin Man tries to put some distance between himself and Bald Leon, which would allow him to do his ranged attacks, but Bald Leon is relentless in his onslaught, not giving Violin Man the opportunity to play his Violin.
"While you were out there getting with girls and going to parties I mastered the way of the Blade" boasted Bald Leon.
Bald Leon ducked one of Violin Man's attacks, giving Bald Leon the chance to slash at Violin Man's legs. Violin Man quickly backed away from this attack, but not quite quick enough. Bald Leon had not dismembered Violin Man, but he had drawn blood.
"That all you got" asked Bald Leon in a cocky manner.
“Fuck off” Violin Man replied bluntly, not wanting to engage in any fight banter.
Violin man raised the violin to strike down on Bald Leon, forcing Bald Leon to raise his sword in anticipation of the block, but as he does this, Violin Man raised his knee into Bald Leon's chest winding him, and as he stumbled back, Violin Man smashes him over the head with the instrument. Bald Leon's head was bleeding, a similar-sized wound to that he had given Violin Man.
"That felt like a slap from my twin brother Bald Noel, and he has no powers. Pathetic” Bald Leon said to unnerve Violin Man.
As the two got ready to rush each other again, the bell chimed for the end of round one. Bald Ben enters Bald Leon's corner.
"Come on Bald Leon we need more aggression out of you. Twat the bastard over the head and then stab him in his fucking balls” Bald Ben shouted, trying to pump Bald Leon up for the next round. Bald Ben looked over to their opponent, who did not have a coach and was just staring at them through his black-rimmed sunglasses.
Bald Ben looks back to Bald Leon “Look at me, Bald Leon. end it. stab him and make him bleed"
The bell chimed for the end of the inter round break.
"Round 2! you ready," asked the referee.
Violin Man nodded to the referee as he approached the middle of the arena, Bald Leon joined him as the pair once again faced off
“I'm ending you this round” Violin Man says to Bald Leon through gritted teeth.
“Alright” replied Bald Leon, but he was not quite sure what he had said, because he was thinking about salami.
The bell chimes for the next round and the two warriors begin to charge. Violin Man slides through Bald Leon’s legs knocking him over, and he began to play his Violin before Bald Leon could recover, unleashing energy bolts in Bald Leon's direction. Bald Leon dodged the first two, but the fourth caught him, knocking him over. He quickly got to his feet before the fourth blast hit him, and he deflected it with his sword, using it like a lightsaber. Violin Man kept up the musical barrage, but Bald Leon was defusing the energy and slowly approaching Violin Man. Violin Man had to switch to his backup plan, he tuned into the power of the warrior pebble, which increased the power of his attacks tenfold, Bald Leon's blocking was instantly smashed through, and he wasn't just knocked over, he was blasted across the arena into the opposite wall.
“HEY!” the referee shouted. “Absolutely NO forever pebble use allowed! I'm docking a point from your final score for that”
“fine, don't need them anyway” Replied Violin Man
Bald Ben helped Bald Leon to his feet and escorted him to their corner. Because Violin Man had broken the rules, the round was given to Bald Leon, meaning that when combat resumed they would be in the third and final round. For the first time in his long life, Bald Leon felt exhausted. Luckily for him, Violin man wasn't doing very well either. The bell chimed for the start of round three, and Bald Leon caught Violin Man off guard with a completely off the wall manoeuver, throwing his sword like a javelin straight at Violin Man. The move paid off for Bald Leon, as because Violin Man was not able to predict the move, he was slow to block it, and he had been disarmed of his Violin. The two now unarmed men approached each other to slug it out with punches, But Violin Man sprinted into Bald Leon tackling him and pinning him to the ground. Violin Man then started relentlessly beating on Bald Leon, who couldn't block many of the blows as they are coming too hard and fast. Bald Leon quickly raised his leg, smashing it into Violin Man's crotch, popping one of his testicles. Bald Leon got up, blood dripping from his nose and mouth grabbed Violin Man by his collar and punched him repeatedly in the face. Violin Man's face quickly became bloody and bruised, but before Bald Leon could finish him off, the bell rang for the end of the match.
Bald Leon collapsed, resisting the urge to murder Violin Man right then and there, but facing the consequences of being known as dishonourable for fighting an injured man outside of ritual combat, and that kind of reputation would make his life and his goals very hard. He decided to spare Violin Man this time, who was being helped to his feet by the referee.
“After great consideration, the judges have decided the result of the match...” The referee paused for effect “WE HAVE A DRAW”
The crowd begin to cheer for the result, but Bald Leon and Violin man just stared at each other, uncaring of the result, only caring that they had failed in killing their enemy.
The press came into the ring and approached Violin Man.
"So after your amazing performance it came down to equal points, but if you hadn't had used the forever pebbles you would have won, how does that feel," they asked.
Wanting to keep up the facade of being a man of honour Violin Man decided he may as well be interviewed. "I feel absolutely distraught. but it's all about the fun. I know I'm the real winner here I made a mistake, but I hope we can go again someday" He said that last part while staring menacingly at Bald Leon.
The Press approached Bald Leon. "How do you feel about the draw?" Questioned Joe Rogan.
Bald Leon also felt it would be better to continue to keep up the idea that this was a friendly match. "Well I feel like a won that match really, but you know the judges are probably shit scared Violin Man will kill their families, but I've been battling since the stone age I know all the tricks and he’s sloppy and predictable"
Bald Leon, Bald Ben and Gerkin decided it would be best to go home and formulate a plan, plus Bald Ben needed to go home so he could use his phone charger. They checked out of their hotel room and booked a flight to Manchester, and set off for the taxi depot, broken and defeated.
CHAPTER 10: THE LIFE OF BALD BEN
The trio arrived at the taxi depot and climbed into the first available cab.
"So how are you guys doing today?" asked the driver.
"Could be better. had a draw in my duel last night when I obviously won" remarked Bald Leon.
Bald Ben stared at the taxi driver before having an epiphany. “I remember you! You took us to the airport but kicked us out halfway!”
The taxi driver looks back at the two Balds before having an epiphany of his own.
“YOU'RE THE BASTARDS WHO WERE RACIST FOR NO REASON! Get the HELL out of my cab! NOW!”
All three got out.
"What are we gonna do now?" asked Gerkin, appalled by the actions of the two, but also so used to it that he knew there was no point in reacting.
They all stood for a while, unsure of their next actions.
"I have an idea," said Bald Leon.
Bald Leon pulled out his phone and ordered food from Deliveroo to where they were. After a minute, they felt a presence behind them, They turned around to see Bald Ollie holding the bottle of Mister Pepper that Bald Leon had ordered, and his other hand outstretched for a tip, Gerkin looked at Bald Leon, very impressed.
"Good idea!" said Gerkin.
Bald Ollie had arrived on a bicycle, so they all climbed onto it, leaving the seat empty for Bald Ollie. Bald Ben sat on the handlebars, Gerkin sat on Bald Bens head, and Bald Leon hung over the back wheel. Bald Leon opened the app and made a revision to their order, he wanted the delivery to be made to the airport now instead,
“On the count of three, close your eyes.” Bald Leon said “1, 2 3!”
As soon as they all close their eyes they felt the wind hit their faces at blistering speed, as Bald Ollie got back onto the bike and rode it to the airport 60 miles away in a mere 5 seconds. When they arrived and come to a sudden stop, Bald Ben fell off the bike, launching Gerkin into the air.
“The fuck was that?” questioned Bald Ben
“Me and Gerkin worked out he only moves when no one is looking, and he's well fast so I just got us to close our eyes so we couldn't see him” explained Bald Leon
Bald Ollie had got off of the bike and was once again holding out his hand for a tip, however this time instead of holding his hand out with the food, he was gripping Gerkin's throat Causing his eyes to bulge and his face to turn red.
"HELP ME GUYS HE GOT ME" screamed Gerkin.
"Ughhhh fine,” said Bald Leon. he opens his wallet and takes out a note with a picture of his own face on it. “Will 20 Jabawockies be enough?”
Bald Ollie said nothing and continued to stare out into the distance, Bald Leon placed the money into Bald Ollie's hand, and as Bald Leon blinks his hand had closed into a fist that was now by his side and he has loosened his grip on Gerkin allowing him to slip out and drop to the floor, gasping for air, barely conscious.
"Hurry up you hindrance, we have 2 hours to get through security," said Bald Ben.
"You.. you saved me... Thank you" says Gerkin, still struggling to breathe.
"Just don't talk about it," said Bald Leon, ashamed and disgusted that for once he actually helped a life instead of ruining it.
As the trio entered the airport they found it to be near empty, with a single ticket counter and security guard, with outdated technology. The Bald's had come so early in advance expecting tight security but finding it to be lacklustre, irresponsible and borderline dangerous, so they had plenty of time to browse the facilities of the airport. Bald Ben saw that the burger king had a very short queue so he got in line and when he got to the front, he only then begins to read the menu, complaining that it is too complicated to read in the foreign language, only to be informed by the work that it is also in English and that Bald Ben can simply not read. After half an hour of staring at the menu, Bald Ben came to his decision.
“Can I have one pizza please” Asked Bald Ben politely
“Sir, this is a burger king, we do not serve Pizza” replied the worker, who was considering calling security to make sure this man was mentally stable enough to fly.
“Ok then don't want anythin,” said Bald Ben before walking away from the 40-minute queue he created.
Bald Leon was busy in the toilets after he realised he hadn't had a shit since they left Manchester airport for the first time, and it had been several weeks. He managed to push out the gargantuan turd and attempted to flush it, only for it to inevitably clog the pipes, causing water to pour out onto the floor.
“Shoddy workmanship” Said Bald Leon to himself, displeased.
The tannoy announced that boarding for the flight had opened and that they could now approach the gate to get onto the plane. The Bald's boarded the near-empty plane, with the only other souls on the tiny aircraft being the pilot. They began the flight and as they get close to their destination they all gaze out of the windows.
"Ah that must be the famous Liverpool Bay," said Gerkin.
"Planes heading there really fast though," pointed out Bald Ben.
BOOM
The plane crashed into the cliffs, ripping off both of the wings as the fuselage collided with the ground. when the dust settled Gerkin and Bald Ben climbed out of their seats, trying to get their bearings.
"Wheres Bald Leon?!" Shouted Gerkin
The pilot cabins door swung open.
"How'd you like my landing lads," asked Bald Leo,n walking out the cockpit with no injuries.
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT WE COULD HAVE DIED" shouted Gerkin.
"Well, I remembered that when we left manchester airport me and the security guards had had a bit of a falling out because I give them the finger as we took off" explained Bald Leon.
“How would they know you did that if we were already on the plane?” asked Bald Ben
Bald Leon paused.
He attempts to speak but then stops himself again.
He frowns.
“Not sure really, couldn't take the chance though,” He said finally.
They began to walk back home, leaving the smoking wreckage behind. When they got to the first motorway, Bald Leon looked to Bald Ben and put his hand on his old friend's shoulder.
"So this is where we part ways," said Bald Leon.
"Why?" asked Bald Ben.
"I have to kill Julian Alatosh, the son of Rahabbi Alatosh to be worthy of my blade. If I'm worthy of wielding it, I might be able to Kill Violin Man with it. Julian is in London and I'm gonna walk because I haven't got any normal money, only rocks and stuff from my caveman wallet” explained Bald Leon
"Haha, sheep you're actually doing what someone tells you. Come on Gerkin your coming with me" said Bald Ben.
"Good. I was dreading that journey I just want to relax," said Gerkin.
Bald Ben and Gerkin got into a taxi while Bald Leon started his long trek to London. The pair were unsure when, or how, but they knew that they would meet again. Bald Ben and Gerkin finally arrived back at Bald Ben's home and got out of the taxi. They were instantly greeted by their annoyed neighbour Craig.
"Oh no, your not back are you? I was enjoying the peace and quiet," says Craig.
"You missed me really," said Bald Ben, leaning in to kiss Craig on the cheek, who just hurried inside.
"Who's that," says Gerkin.
"That's my friend Craig, he proves I'm not racist because he is black and my friend, which means I can't be racist" explained Bald Ben.
Bald Ben opens his door and announces he is home, his family ran to greet him crying and happy that he is back. However not everyone was crying, Bald Ben's father, Mr Choo, was furious.
"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!" Demanded Mr Choo
"I was playing out with Bald Leon," explained Bald Ben.
"IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR"
"Well time flies when you're having fun haha"
"YOU'RE GROUNDED FOR A YEAR IF YOU LEAVE THIS HOUSE WITHOUT OUR EXPRESS PERMISSION AGAIN YOU'RE NEVER COMING BACK" shouts Mr Choo
"Yeah whatever dad"
"WHY IS THAT MONKEY IN OUR HOUSE"
"This is a talking finger monkey called Gerkin. Bald Leon met him on an island when the plane crashed"
"Hey guys" Gerkin proclaimed, happy to make some friends.
All of Bald Ben's family began to freak out and his dad got a broom, but before he could hit Gerkin, Bald Ben grabbed him off of the floor.
"WAIT! If it wasn't for him Ummm... you know I won't have a monkey friend" Bald Ben pleaded.
"If you want to keep that THING you get a job or you go back to school! you're useless!" shouted Mr Choo.
"Fine I will go to school when term starts"
Later that evening, Bald Ben and Gerkin finished eating dinner downstairs with the family
"Want to see my room?" asked Bald Ben.
"Sure thing," said Gerkin, "thank you for this lovely meal Mrs Choo, you don't get lasagna like this on north sentinel island haha"
"Why thank you Gerkin your very polite, unlike our son over there. he's in his 40s and has never had a job, while our other son who is 23 is a solicitor and our 25-year-old daughter here works as a waitress in my husband's restaurant" Said Mrs Choo.
"Don't talk to her Gerkin she's a bitch" Bald Ben instructed, before immediately standing up and running up the stairs to his room
"WHAT WAS THAT" Shouted Mrs Choo after him.
"Don't worry Mrs Choo, ill talk to him and have him apologise," said Gerkin.
"You're a good monkey Gerkin. and please, call me Caroline,"
Gerkin went upstairs and knocked on Bald Ben's door, he heard no reply but since Bald Ben had invited him anyway, he opened the door but was immediately hit by the stench seeping from Bald Ben's room. It smelled like sweaty socks mixed with out of date tuna and cat piss. Gerkin noticed that the room was filled with empty cans of beer, sweet wrappers and out of date mouldy food on plates stacked high. There was a vomit stain on the floor that looked like it had been there for years, and in the middle of this disgusting mess was Bald Ben, who was sitting down playing Call of Duty. Gerkin then had a very troubling thought, the room stank of cat piss, but Bald Ben didn't own a cat.
Well come on, come in," beckoned Bald Ben whilst shoving his hand into a bag of Doritos, and sipping on a bottle of mountain dew. Gerkin stepped forward into the room and felt his skin crawl as his naked paw squelched and sank into the disgusting carpet. Gerkin had another look around the room to work out the sleeping arrangements. He noticed that Bald Ben used a hammock, and a feeling of dread overcame Gerkin as he realised he may have to sleep on the floor.
"Do you like my rig?" asked Bald Ben while showing off his high-end gaming PC. Gerkin looked at the keyboard and mouse on the desk and noticed that they were encrusted with a thick layer of Dorito crumbs, making it hard to even see the letters on each of the keys.
Bald Ben started shouting into his microphone at one of his competitors "Oh yeah? Well, guess what? you're never gonna get any pussy in your life. Girls don't care about nice guys like you. Just die already, you might retain her attention that way"
Bald Ben noticed that the player disconnected after Bald Ben's abuse and he whispered "perfect" to himself.
“that was a bit harsh don't you think?" asked Gerkin.
"Nah I only do it to nice guys who harass women, so when they realise that their life is meaningless, I get to hit on the women without there being any competition, I'm basically a more effective version of batman" explained Bald Ben
"for a moment I thought you were going to have some genuinely noble actions there, protecting women from 'nice guys' but no, you're doing it for your own advantage" Gerkin sighed
Bald Ben ignored Gerkin and began to hack his victims PC. He gained access to the victim's webcam and saw that he was lying face down on his floor, already dead. Ben then accessed the PC remotely and changed the desktop wallpaper to a picture of himself, then went onto YouTube and began to play Neil Diamonds Sweet Caroline at full volume. Bald Ben could hear the victims family shouting for their son to turn down the music, so he turned it up even louder. The door burst open just as the chorus began to play, and the victim's mother screamed before dropping to the floor, having fainted.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Bald Ben laughed.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU" shouted a disgusted Gerkin.
"What? He made fun of my K/D ratio" justified Bald Ben.
“WHAT THE FUCK” said Gerkin a second time “YOU MADE HIM FUCKING KILL HIMSELF AND THEN MADE HIS PARENTS COME AND DISCOVER HIM”
“It's alright he was a nice guy!” argued Bald Ben “he just harasses women online, do you not want women to be respected?"
"I don't want to be friends with you anymore. You're a sick person. you're gonna go to prison for this you know." said Gerkin.
"Nah it's fine, whenever the Police send someone round to bring me in for questioning I just pretend I’m not in so I get away with it"
"I'm leaving!" Shouted Gerkin
"Don't care, you’re gay".
A traumatised Gerkin went downstairs to leave. He was so traumatised he didn't even hear Bald Ben's parents talking to each other.
"Why not let him work at the restaurant?" asked Mrs Choo.
"He won't accept it. He is lazy and will be rude to customers," answered Mr Choo.
"Well why not get him to work in the kitchens?" begged Mrs Choo.
Mr Choo sighed "Fine. Tomorrow he can wash the dishes at the restaurant. If he can manage that, I will train him to become a chef. He is my boy. So if he doesn't choose a career, I'll give him one".
The next day Bald Ben was sleeping soundly in his Hammock. His father was standing over him, watching him sleep.
"WAKE UP" Shouted Mr Choo
Bald Ben didn't wake up. desperate measures were required, so Mr Choo brought in a bucket full of cold water and emptied it over Bald Ben. Bald Ben didn't even stir from his slumber. Mr Choo furiously shook the hammock from side to side and he still didn't wake up. Mr Choo looked to Bald Ben's PC, which was still turned on, he went to the back of the desk and pulled the plug out of the back. as soon as the plug pins left the wall, Bald Ben's eyes immediately snapped open.
"What are you doing! it was turned on, you could break it" shouted Bald Ben.
"You wouldn't wake up, I tried everything, but that isn't what’s important now, LOOK AT THIS MESS, we've always respected your privacy in your own room, but that came with the condition that you kept it tidy".
"It's my own personal touch"
"You’re cleaning this up after you get home from work"
"What you mean work?"
"You're working with me at my restaurant. I'm not having you sit on your computer all day playing games. you're 43 years old and it's time you earned your keep".
Bald Ben then got a quizzical look on his face. The sun was coming into his room at a strange angle. He looked at the clock and discovered it was midday.
"YOU WOKE ME UP AT 12 IN THE BLOODY AFTERNOON! THIS IS WAY TOO EARLY! THIS IS ABUSE!" Shouted Bald Ben.
Mr Choo ignored his waste of space son, "Get out of that dirty white shirt and cargo shorts and stop wearing flip flops everywhere, it is October for god's sake,"
He threw a set of Chef's whites at his son.
"Get ready quickly. work starts in half an hour"
after a while, Bald Ben came downstairs, dressed in his chef's whites. He and his father got into the car and began to drive to the restaurant. Bald Ben kept his arms crossed for the entire car ride. Regardless, his father was proud of his son for doing, SOMETHING.
"I'm glad your coming son," He said while looking at his son with a slight smile. Bald Ben just ignored him
"Please don't be rude to the chefs when you get there, they work hard, it's Friday so it's going to be really busy tonight so be quick ok?"
"Yeah whatever dad," said Bald Ben.
They pulled into the car park for the restaurant, David Choo's 5-star fine dining. The restaurant had an intercontinental menu, with items made from old Choo family recipes, to many other items that had been brought in or taught to the elite team of chefs that the Choo family had employed over the years.
"It's huge" said Bald Ben breaking his silence, marvelling at the huge building.
"Isn't it just. but we can't have a big restaurant of 500 tables with a small kitchen can we" chuckled Mr Choo.
The pair walked into the back of the restaurant through the kitchen, where Bald Ben was introduced to the head chef. The Head chef put his hand out to shake Bald Ben's.
"Yalright mate, I'm the head chef, my name is Jared. what's your name?"
“My name's Bald Ben"
Haha cause your Bald guessing your names Ben then"
Bald Ben stared at the man in confusion and slight disgust.
"No. My name isn't Ben. My full name is Bald Ben Choo" He explained
"Right so Bald is your first name and Ben is your middle name?"
"No my first name is Bald Ben my last name is Choo".
"Ah, right my apologies. I will show you to your area I'm sure your dad is pretty busy". Jared was confused as to why his boss had named his son in such a strange way, but he was paid too much to ask that kind of question to his boss, so instead, he asked Bald Ben.
"So why are you named Bald Ben if you don't mind me asking? I know you aren't the same ethnicity as you're parents so I guess you're adopted?"
"No, They're my birth parents. The doctors said I came out wrong, so instead of looking Asian like my Mum and Dad, I've always looked like a fat middle-aged white man. They say they named me Bald Ben because when they were writing the form they both blacked out and when they came back to consciousness the form had been filled out" explained Bald Ben
"Ohhhh I'm sorry to hear about that mate," Said Jared trying hard not to laugh. Jared and Bald Ben arrived at the big sink and small dishwasher that Bald Ben would be working at. Bald Ben looked it up and down in disgust and then chuckled.
"That's funny Jared where is my cooking quarters," said Bald Ben.
"Your not a chef mate, your dads brought you on to pick up the slack on the washing crew".
"Oh Yeah good one hahaha, now show me my cooking station"
“Listen right, I'm not here to argue with you, this is the job you've been assigned to. You get this done. You get your money" explained Jared.
"Could have said" Bald Ben said, reluctantly agreeing.
Bald Ben got to work, and he worked hard. After a whole 3 minutes of hard-working, however, Bald Ben was bored. Over time, the dishes began to pile up higher and higher, and when the 8-hour mark passed, Bald Ben decided it was time to go home, just as the last clean plate left the kitchen
"WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE CLEAN DISHES. IS BALD BEN NOT DOING THEM OR SOMETHING! COME ON PEOPLE WE'VE GOT THE DINNER RUSH" Jared shouted.
A chef pointed to Bald Ben who was at the clocking in sheet, signing himself out for the day. Jared shouted to Bald Ben to get back to work.
"I've done 8 hours. Jared that's full time so see you tomorrow" said Bald Ben, stepping through the door.
"THAT'S NOT A FULL SHIFT HERE, WE DON'T LEAVE TILL THE LAST CUSTOMERS GONE, AND WE ARENT EVEN THROUGH THE DINNER RUSH, GET BACK TO WOR-" shouts Jared.
Bald Ben closed the door before Jared could even finish. He began to walk home, whistling to himself, as impatient customers began to pour from the restaurant, unhappy with the time it was taking for their food to arrive. When Bald Ben got home, he was greeted by his sister, Lisa, who was sitting on the couch.
"Why are you out so early?" she asked.
"Done 8 hours, that's a full shift for me" explained Bald Ben.
"Bald Ben that's not how it works in restaurants. The hours are really long. You have to go back they are probably in the midst of the dinner rush" she explained.
"Naaah can’t be arsed. it’s 9 been up since 12 this afternoon, absolutely shattered" said Bald Ben.
Bald Ben started to walk upstairs. While Lisa and Bald Ben had been talking, their brother Stephen had entered the room and sat down.
"You've always been a lazy prick," said Stephen.
"What was that Stephen?" asked Bald Ben looking at him behind his shoulder.
"I said you have always been a lazy prick. This is the only day you have worked in your life and your acting like you've done loads and you have only done 8 hours," said Stephen.
Bald Ben charged back down the stairs into the living room with his fist raised to punch his brother, but before he could, his mother and Lisa got between them.
"WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH STOP THIS NOW," Said Mrs Choo
"You always were a twat Stephen only say stuff when mum is around to protect you," shouted Bald Ben.
"Well at least I say stuff to peoples faces and don't just say shit online" Stephen shouted back.
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK" Screamed Bald Ben.
Mrs Choo slapped Bald Ben and then Stephen. Bald Ben stared at his mother as his lip began to quiver. He ran up the stairs and started to cry. When Bald Ben got to the top of the stairs he kicked open his room and found that it was in an immaculate condition, cleaned from top to bottom, absolutely spotless.
"WHY HAS MY ROOM BEEN CLEANED" Bald Ben shouted downstairs.
Lisa came up the stairs and into Bald Ben's room.
"I thought it would be a nice reward since you have your first job so I cleaned it for you. I'm sorry I thought you'd like it" said Lisa.
"Just get out Lisa, you owe me 42 years worth of dirt, even cleaned the cum stains off my door handle you slag".
Lisa ran down the stairs crying.
"IF YOU READ THE NO GIRLS SIGN ON THE DOOR YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED IN" shouted Bald Ben after her, before slamming his door shut.
CHAPTER 11: THE WALK TO LONDON
Bald Leon had been walking for over 2 days. He did not quite know the way to London, and couldn't understand road signs, so when he had been walking down the motorway and found a sign that said he had to turn left to get to London, he had turned 90 degrees on the spot and began to go left, instead of following the slipway off of the motorway to the left. Bald Leon had found himself in a thick forest, well off of the beaten track where very few people often go. the plant life and foliage were so overgrown it was crawling up the trees, and there was an eerie silence due to the lack of animals and humans alike. the trees were huge and with a very thick canopy, it was hard for the light to pass through meaning that the area was shrouded in darkness. Bald Leon came to a small river in the forest, too wide to wade through, so he began to walk along with it, hoping to find a bridge of sorts. Eventually, he came across an old grey stone bridge, and upon the bridge was a man wearing a full suit of silver knights armour, complete with weaponry.
"HOOOOLD" ordered the Guard, pulling his sword from its sheath and pointing it towards the approaching Bald Leon. "why do you wish to cross my bridge" questioned the Guard.
"Secret state business," stated Bald Leon.
"State your business then I may, or may not, allow you to cross" responded the Guard
Bald Leon sighed before reluctantly answering "I'm walking to London"
"Why?" Questioned the Guard.
"I'm on an important mission to prove my worthiness of this here blade”
Bald Leon removed the sword from its sheath, showing it off to the guard.
"Beauty ain't she".
The guard stared at Bald Leon, before jumping back in shock, dropping his own sword.
"Wait a minute I've heard about you. YOUR BALD LEON! YOU'RE GOING TO TRY AND KILL JULIAN ALATOSH!" The Guard shouted.
"If you try to stop me I wouldn't refuse a duel" threatened Bald Leon, wrapping his hands around his sword in preparation.
"Duel you? Are you kidding? I want to join you!" shouted the guard with glee.
The Guard removed all of his shining Knight's armour, revealing that underneath he was wearing a traditional Chav uniform, a Black Adidas tracksuit, complete with airforce ones. Once he had removed the full suit, he began to somehow spin around on the spot without even moving his feet, before coming to a stop and giving Bald Leon a smile.
"Slider Johnson is my name, stabbing wankers is my game. Don't worry about that whole knight's armour thing, I was on a bender with my mates and got lost, found that armour to try scare people and lift their wallets haha" laughed Slider.
"Nice to meet you Slider. I wouldn't mind someone to keep me company actually. I had to leave my other friend's Bald Ben and Gerkin, oh and what's his name... Bald Jack! Yeah, I had to leave them back home to come on this journey because they kept getting in my way. So you can come with me to London, but only if you can watch my back" offered Bald Leon
“Sound mate. Let's get going” replied Slider
“How about a song?” asked Bald Leon
Bald Leon began to hum the tune of “we're off to see the wizard” from the Wizard of Oz before breaking out into song.
"I’m off to see Julian, and I’m gonna cut off his head! I’m off to see Julian, and very soon he will be dead, we will visit him and cut off his head and dance around oh what fun. I can't wait to be worthy foooooooooor thiiiiiis swooooooorrrrrddddd. Hahahahahahhahaha"
Slider and Bald Leon sang their merry tunes as they travelled South, With Bald Leon's strength, and Slider's ability to read maps, they were an unstoppable force and right back on track to get to London. They soon found the motorway again and began to follow it towards London, They walked for many days alongside the hard shoulder of the motorway, stopping at each service station to steal some crisps and drinks, before running back down the motorway again to getaway. As they got into the south of the country, they came across an old, decrepit building.
Slider was the first to see the building, and he shouted to Bald Leon "Hey look, an abandoned house"
The house was an old Manor house with boarded-up windows and a very untamed garden. The pair hoped the metal fence to get onto the property and moved through the thick overgrown grass towards the house. Bald Leon looked at his feet and saw a small rock, which he picked up and threw at the closest window on the house. The glass shattered, and Bald Leon had thrown the rock with such speed and accuracy that the entire window fell in leaving no glass around the edges. The pair approached the window and climbed inside with ease, and when they touched the ground on the inside of the house, they found it to be crawling with insects.
"nahhhh this is madddd" Slider said into his phone for his Snapchat audience.
"We should camp here for the night, It's getting late. Man-eating badgers come out at night and we don't want to run into any of those while we're travelling" Bald Leon said fearfully.
Bald Leon and Slider both chose a room to sleep in for the night. Bald Leon chose the master bedroom, which was an elaborate room with a 4-poster bed, high ceilings and its own en-suite. Slider was left with one of the smaller guest bedrooms, which had a single bed. Bald Leon was marvelling at his bedroom for the night and pulled back the covers on the bed. He found the decaying skeleton of what must have been the lady of the house. Bald Leon stared into the bone that was once her eyes, staring into the black void of her skull. Once he got bored of the unwinnable staring contest, he grabbed the skeleton by the ankle and slung it into the fireplace.
"There's no firewood or coal in this place, bones will do just fine as fuel," Said Bald Leon
"umm ok" replied a very uncomfortable Slider.
Bald Leon got into the now-empty bed and pulled a nightcap from his pocket. Slider pulled up a dusty armchair to the foot of the bed and sat down. The pair decided that this would be the perfect opportunity to plan their next moves and get to know each other better.
"So where are you from?" Questioned slider.
"I'm from a central Pangea. but I hear it's gone now. Millions of years ago. The trees were lush and it was as if they could reach the stars themselves. and there were creatures that lived only there and are now extinct"
"Where was it?" Slider questioned.
"Here," said Bald Leon.
Slider looked around confused.
"Central Pangea wasn't destroyed. It was lost. Over time the continents split up, forming what you now see as Earth. Europe is the closest place to where Central Pangea was. There's no way I'd ever be able to find my original home, the world is just too different now” explained Bald Leon.
"Wait so you mean like you're older than like the dinosaurs or like sliced bread?" Questioned Slider
"No of course not, I'm from caveman times, the dinosaurs were gone long before me"
"well, how the hell are you alive? Caveman times was like 90 years ago or maybe even more! You should be in an old people's home or something, and you dont look a day over 40"
“Thank you, I have a good skincare routine, but no, I was trapped in ice during caveman times, apparently well before the continents broke up. that's how I'm here today”
“Wait... YOU'RE THE ICEMAN” shouted Slider in shock
"Yes... I was. They found me in the River Mersey in a block of ice. That's where I first met Violin Man, He was the first face I saw in this time actually"
"Well they say that when they pulled you out of the ice you had that suit on you're wearing now, you seem to know loads about modern technology as well, but if you're a caveman, how's that possible?"
"I'm the first human, well technically not human, I'm a bald. But I'm the first hairless humanoid to roam this planet. You know I'm over 200,000 years old? And for almost every single one of those years, I was alone on this planet. It took centuries for the apes to evolve into you lot, and by then I had technology beyond anything that even exists today, it took my millennia to make it all, I had machines that could level mountains and part the oceans, and I did all that before man used two legs. I'm only like this cause my dad is 'The Master'. He's basically what humans would call god"
"your dad is a god?"
"No, not A god. THE god. My dad is the one who created this universe, He's sound though, to be honest, everyone thinks he's meant to be this serious, stoic deity, but he's a laugh really. I haven't really spoken to him since I come out of the ice, he hardly spends any time here anymore, I feel like he doesn't give a shit about earth anymore. Maybe it's cause dad CAN'T interfere. Maybe that's why I came out of the ice when I did and it's my destiny to kill Violin Man alone. Or... Maybe Violin Man is meant to kill me. Either way, destiny always takes its course"
"Wow." said an amazed Slider, still unsure if he should believe the story or not.
"So how do you know about that mess with Rahabbi?" Questioned Bald Leon.
"I love a good scrap like, and anyone who says swords aren't sick is a fucking liar. I try and follow any and all streamed fights, so when I heard that there had been a battle where some guy was using a sword, and the other guy was using a Violin AND won, you can bet I was interested. When I looked into it and it turned out that Alatosh's son was using his dad's name for fame I was disgusted. Julian uses his family name and his dad's name just for profit, and he's nowhere near as good a warrior. He can't be allowed to do it, he has to die" Slider explained while getting emotional.
"We will get him, lad, don't you worry," said Bald Leon.
"I hope so, I really do," says Slider.
"Right. I'm going to bed now Slider. Do one, go on. Fuck Off" Bald Leon said angrily for no reason.
Slider went to his room for the night and went to sleep. Bald Leon lay down awake for a little while longer, thinking about his life and what it meant. He truly was a man out of time, and the only reason that he was conscious right now was that one of his greatest enemies tried to kill him when he happened to be dredged up. He knew that The Master must have had something to do with him being discovered when he was, but why? What was his purpose? He eventually fell asleep dwelling on these thoughts before snapping awake at 6 AM. He got out of bed and put his head out of the window to hear a cockerel making its morning call.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP" He screamed at the cockerel, before grabbing the smouldering skull of the houses previous resident from the fireplace, and launching it at the cockerel standing on the fence. He hit the cockerel with such a force that it burst into a cloud of feathers.
Bald Leon made a sigh of relief and did his morning stretch. He kicked the door open to Slider's room to wake him up.
"Wake up Slider. Come on GET UP! We're halfway to London. If we go now we will make good time," persuaded Bald Leon
"ughhhhhhhhh fineee. I've literally never been up this early, not even to go jobcentre, this is bollock" Whined Slider.
Slider slid out of bed like a poorly rendered 3D graphic, sliding as if he were made of fluid. He then stood upright and put his signature hat on. He and Bald Leon left the old manor that had been their home for the night and headed back towards the motorway. They got to the hard shoulder and climbed over the barrier, forcing a car to brake hard. They kept walking across the lanes until they were in the middle of the motorway and had brought all of the carriageways to a near standstill. They stood for several minutes not moving at all, arguing over which direction London actually was, before setting off in the right direction. The resulting traffic Jam would last for several days and would put the efforts of insulate Britain to shame.
After walking for several hours, Bald Leon decided it would be a good time to check on their progress. He shoved his hand into his breast pocket and rummaged around. He eventually pulled out a map of Britain. He and Slider sat down and spread it out to its fullest across the road, angering the motorists further, but they simply ignored their gripes. Bald Leon's map showed the whole of the UK, and he and Slider had unfolded it to include Scotland and Ireland, even though they were nowhere near those places so it was pointless to open it this much. It took them several minutes to find the area that they should be in.
"So we are near Birmingham now according to that sign and this map. We will go down through the country lane here because Birmingham is a shithole. It'll add a few hours to the journey but I think it's worth it" said Bald Leon while pointing at the map.
“Agreed” said slider, never wanting to set foot in Birmingham.
They collected the map back together and folded it back up into its original square. As they began to walk to the side of the motorway to get off at the slip lane, cheers could be heard from the motorists who had been stuck in traffic for several hours, Bald Leon turned to them and took a bow, unsure of why they were cheering, but happy to receive the compliment.
The duo walked down the country lane at double speed, especially while they were going past the Birmingham area, just in case someone somehow forced them to go to Birmingham, but eventually, they were in the clear. They walked and they walked for over 100 miles until finally, they could see it. The London city limits came into view over the horizon.
"30 More Miles now Slider. Almost there" Said Bald Leon
"yippee," said a tired a weary Slider, sarcastically.
As the pair walked towards the city limits they passed a huge grey government-owned building with 12ft high stone walls with barbwire on the top. This wasn't any building. This was the prison that housed the UK's most dangerous criminals. Murderers, people who litter, terrorists, madmen, and a short Bald Man who had been wrongfully incarcerated for a crime he didn't commit.
A man who now went by the name Of Bald Jack...
CHAPTER 12: HARD KNOCK LIFE
The events that had resulted in Bald Jack being incarcerated were rather peculiar. Being in the firm belief that all debts should be paid, Bald Jack's conscience could not allow there to be an unpaid debt to society. When he had learned of Bald Ben and Bald Leon's numerous crimes, and even being involved in some of them by no fault of his own, the crushing guilt forced him to go to his nearest police station and confess. He confessed to being present at the airport when a bald-headed man escaped confinement after bringing a sword on board. He confessed to going to the houses of the victims of the infamous 'sweet caroline killer', he even confessed to owning a car that had been parked in a no-parking zone for so long that the parking tickets against it had surpassed the national debt (Bald Leon had borrowed Bald Jack's car and forgot where he parked it).
The police practically begged Bald Jack to give up the real criminals, as it was clear to them that he was not the perpetrator of these crimes and that was why he was only saying he was present. This was partially true, as the real reason that Bald Jack was not saying he did the crimes was that he truly hadn't, but his conscience couldn't handle it if he lied about it, even to get himself off of a charge. But he also didn't want to get his friends in trouble either, so he wasn't prepared to say that they did the crimes he had admitted to. When the case went to court, he was handed the maximum sentence that was applicable, life in prison. Because of the incident at the airport that he had been found guilty of (despite not being there), he was carted off to one of the UK's most maximum-security prisons.
When Bald Jack arrived at the prison he found it refreshingly enjoyable. Once again his life had routine and security. Since knowing the Balds his life had been pure chaos, so knowing exactly when he was supposed to eat, sleep, and work was a nice change. One of the drawbacks to prison life was having no contact with his friends. He struggled to make new friends in prison, as everyone he approached simply threatened to kill him. The prison truly was a dog eat dog society. He did manage to make friends with some of the inmates without gangs, creating a kind of outcasts faction. Jack also found that his life became easier when he co-operated with the guards, and he couldn't understand why so many of his fellow inmates were refusing to do this.
One day Bald Jack was discreetly called up to the warden's office for their weekly tea and biscuits meeting. Jack didn't know it, but he had unwittingly become one of the most prolific undercover informants that the prison had ever had, snitching on everyone for almost everything as he told the warden about the kind of day he had been having, and of course, because of there weekly meetings in which Jack spilt the beans on something almost every time, crime from within the prison had almost halved.
"So I was in the bathroom with my buddy Jimmy no teeth, you know the one? the one who had his teeth smashed in by Vlad the burner. Oh, you didn't know? Well yeah that guy. anyway me and Jimmy were in the toilets and Jimmy must have had some kind of nasal condition because he kept sniffing this white powder that must be to clear his nose, and while we were in there these other guys came in and started taking apart the mirror on the outside wall. They told me that they'd been given the job of taking apart the mirror to make a doorway into the courtyard and that they'd been working on this doorway for years. Anyway, when they got the mirror off the wall would you believe it they'd already made the hole big enough for someone small to squeeze through. so they asked me to go through it so that I could help them and make it bigger from the other side, and when we had finished that they put the mirror back over the new doorway and said that they needed to grab their supplies before heading outside tomorrow. Now, this sounded strange to me because if I remember correctly I was told you aren't allowed to leave prison, so I don't know why they had been given the exception, but I know that I certainly hadn't and that I had to get back inside A S A P. But yeah I just thought you should know that the hole they had been told to make doesn't actually go to the courtyard, it goes outside! You wouldn't want any of us to accidentally walk off and get in trouble now would we hahaha" Monologued Bald Jack.
The warden had been taking detailed notes of everything that Bald Jack had said, when he finished jotting them down he pressed the microphone button on his desk phone and spoke into it.
"Guards to cell B7. escape in progress" said the Warden before turning on the siren to initiate a Lockdown of all prisoners.
"Before you go back to your cell Inmate Bald Jack, I must know, why didn't you just run away? any other prisoner with half a brain and a quarter of your sentence would have taken that chance"
"Well gee that sounds illegal to me. I've never broken a law in my life and I don't plan on starting that malarky now. I'm a good person." Explained Bald Jack.
"Then why are you here?"
"Well I know the people who did actually do the crimes, they're my friends, but because I wouldn't tell the police that because I didn't want them to get in trouble, but SOMEBODY had to pay this debt to society, Since my buddies were out of the country so I couldn't persuade them to do it, I thought it'd be best if I just did it myself."
"So you do actually know the people who committed these disgusting, heinous crimes? And you just sacrificed your freedom for all this time because you thought someone had to? Well Bald Jack I have a proposition for you, how would you like to be released from prison right now, and then when you go and see your friends we will give you a wire and you just have to get them to admit to the crimes while your recording, it'll be just like our little meetings but without the tea and biscuits"
"I Dont know if I could do that to my friend's sir. A man is only as good as his word, and I promised myself that I wouldn't get them in trouble. So I'm sorry but I don't think I can help you."
"That's ok, Tell you what, how about I release you anyway, but on Parole, so we will let one of our parole officers hang out with you, Just like you and I do, and you can introduce your new friend to your old friends? Does that sound better to you?" Said the warden, concealing his true plan from the naive and trusting Bald Jack
“That'd be lovely sir!"
"Good! I'm glad you agree," Said the Warden. He called for one of the guards to come and collect Bald Jack. "Officer Winslow here will take you to the reception to get your possessions back, then we will introduce you to your parole officer and you are free to go!"
The Wardens brilliant plan was for Bald Jack to introduce the parole officer to the elusive Bald Ben and Bald Leon that there had been rumours of in the criminal underworld. As soon as either of those two Bald lunatics confessed to the crimes, they would both be brought into custody and be locked away for many, many years.
Bald Jack got to the lockup and was given back his few meagre possessions. They handed him back his phone, watch and wallet. and introduced him to his parole officer.
"Howdy friend!" said a jolly Bald Jack, putting his hand out for a handshake.
The probation officer rudely ignored him.
The Warden came from the prison gates to shake Bald Jack's hands and wish him well before Bald Jack got onto the prison bus. Bald Jack sat down near the front with his probation officer sitting on the parallel adjacent seat.
"So where are we taking you pal?" asked the bus driver
Jack thought for a moment before giving his answer. "Intro town please, I want to go back to my house, before I went into prison my wife and our kids had gone to centre parks, It's been about a year since then now, so it'll be nice to see them"
"That sounds nice, we will take you straight there"
The parole officer began to stare at Bald Jack, looking him up and down.
"I don't trust you. I know that you are in cahoots with the guys I'm meant to be looking out for, so don't think for a second that I'll believe anything you tell me. If I had my way, you'd still be locked up in there where you belong!" Said the Parole officer.
"I don't know why they let me go either, but if the warden thinks the debt has been paid then I guess we shouldn't question him," Said Bald Jack, ignoring the Parole officers threats towards his friends.
They arrived outside Bald Jack's house, and strangely, there were already two cars parked outside. Jack recognised one of them to be his wife, but the other red sporty model? He had no idea. He walked up the drive and knocked on the door, but nobody answered, so Jack fumbled around for his house key, and slid it into the lock. He walked inside and shouted hello, but got no reply, so he guessed everyone must be out. He walked into his living room and found a man lying asleep on his sofa with the TV on full volume.
"HEY! Who the heck are you!" Shouted Bald Jack pointing at the intruder
The intruder jolted awake at the shouting and looked Bald Jack up and down.
"Honey! Get the bat! There's a burglar!" Shouted the Man
Amanda ran into the room from a side door and tossed the bat to the man who raised it to swing for Bald Jack, Just before he swung, however, Amanda shouted
"WAIT! That's Jack!" She shouted
The man lowered the bat and smiled, raising his hand to shake Bald Jack's hand. Jack was very confused but slowly raised his hand to shake it.
"Nice to finally meet you, Jack, I've been looking after Amanda for a while now and she's told me a bit about you"
Jack stared at the man, and back at his wife.
"Amanda? What is this?" Bald Jack asked
"Well... Jack, you were gone. So many people thought you were dead, or worse! and Bill here was there for me, and well..."
Amanda raised her hand to show her ring finger, and there was a gold wedding band on it. Jack looked closer and realised something. It wasn't the ring he had put on her finger all those years ago. He looked at the stranger, Bill, and looked at his hand to see the matching wedding band.
"You... You cheated on me?" Jack asked
"no of course not. You were declared legally dead because no one could find you, but I guess it turns out you just stopped using your real name and started using that stupid Bald Jack name. So our marriage was annulled and officially I became a widow but... I Remarried" She explained
Jack was floored by the news, falling onto the sofa and beginning to cry. He had truly lost everything, and Jack Smith was officially and legally dead.
"I- I need to see the kids," He said sternly
Amanda looked at him and sighed.
"I don't think that's for the best. You're in no state to see them, and it took them a long time to accept that you were gone. I don't want to open that wound for them and I don't think you do either. You can't see them today. Maybe another time, but we should keep in touch" She said while opening the living room door.
"You-You're kicking me out? This is my house" He begged.
"Not anymore I'm afraid, and besides there's nowhere that you could sleep, we're having to go on the couches while the babies room is being made up"
"The baby?" Jack asked
"Yes. Bill and I are pregnant" Amanda explained
Bill stepped over to Jack, putting his hand on his shoulder.
"Listen, pal, you seem like a nice guy, but you need to let your ex-wife and your kids move on. I'm going to have to ask you to leave my house" He commanded
"Yeah... Yeah fine... Congratulations" He replied
Bald Jack walked back out into the rain where the Parole officer was still waiting to be invited in after Jack had reunited with his family.
"Where are you going?" He asked as Bald Jack began to walk down the street.
"Oh... She's... She's not my wife anymore" Bald Jack explained.
"Well, that's a shame. We better get you into a hostel or something, come on" Commanded the Parole officer.
Jack looked back at his house as he began to be driven away, hoping to see Amanda or even one of the kids waving him off, but the curtains stayed pulled together. He put his head into his lap and began to cry even harder.
CHAPTER 13: THE ALATOSH EMPIRE
Bald Leon and Slider were just 30 miles away from London. They had been walking for days, sleeping anywhere they could find that seemed comfortable and the journey had been hard on them. Slider hadn't washed in weeks and Bald Leon hadn't washed ever.
Finally, the outer city limits came into view, the endless urban sprawl that oozed from the London city centre and just off in the horizon, Bald Leon and Slider could see the skyscrapers reaching into the London sky.
"Julian is somewhere in all this mess," Bald Leon said to himself
"Yeah, It's gonna be nearly impossible to find him" Slider replied
They both sat on a bench exhausted, contemplating their next move, and as they sat, a double-decker bus passed them by. On the side of the bus was a 7ft advertisement for Julian Alatosh's business, "Alatosh industries", including the address for their London recruitment centre.
"Oh, there we go, that's convenient" Pointed Slider.
"yes, maybe the bus driver knows, they know the city better than anyone!" shouted Bald Leon
The pair climbed aboard the bus and approached the driver.
"Excuse me, Mr Driver, do you know where Julian Alatosh lives?" Asked Bald Leon
"Afraid not pal, but this bus goes into the city centre, which would be a good place for you to find your friend" He replied
"Fine" sighed Bald Leon
Bald Leon went and sat down without paying for a ticket, forcing Slider to pay for both his and his own. Slider sat on the seats adjacent to Bald Leon as they got comfortable for the long ride into the city centre. The ride into town was mostly uneventful until they got a mile from the city centre, when a group of year 7 chavs got on board the bus and sat on the back seats, just behind Bald Leon and Slider. They were all shouting and laughing and playing trap Fortnite parodies through their phone speakers. Bald Leon decided to politely ask them to stop making such a racket.
"Excuse me, can you please be quiet or ill shove your phone up your nose and rip your legs off?" He asked politely
"You what" shouted back one of the Chav Girls
"I asked you to turn off the music and quiet down or I'll lobotomise you." He replied
"You say something bout my mum? You think she's fat? You think she's stupid because she had to drop out of school at year 9 to have me? You think she wears so much makeup she looks like Clayface from batman? What do you think about that mum?" the girl asked before turning to another one who looked not much older, and was wearing the same school uniform as she had clearly been held back
The "Mother" looked Bald Leon up and down while the cigarette her child had lit for her hung out of her mouth.
"What you say about me? You talking about me? you talking about my child? What just cause I drank and smoke through the pregnancy I'm a bad mum? That what you sayi-" she was cut off before she could finish by Slider, who had found a brick under his seat and thrown it at her head.
Everyone on the bus apart from Bald Leon and Slider all pulled out pocket knives and began to brawl with each other, forcing Slider and Bald Leon to use their fists to defend themselves. Bald Leon did exactly as he said he would and grabbed the girls phone, pushing it up her nose so that only the charging port was sticking out. Slider ripped one of the seats from the bus and threw it at someone rushing him from the front of the bus, and they were knocked back with such force that they were knocked through the glass of the front upstairs windscreen.
The fight moved down the stairs of the bus, involving more and more passengers ripping up seats and pulling out weapons, someone even started trying to attack the driver. The driver swerved the bus, making it sway from side to side uncontrollably until it eventually tipped over on a bend. Even on its side, the bus continued to scrape along the ground until it smacked into a building, forcing it to a stop with a jolt and a loud bang, almost everyone on the bus had either been knocked unconscious by the crash or by their fellow passengers, leaving only Slider, Bald Leon and a few stragglers.
They climbed out one of the smashed open windows on the second floor to find themselves in the middle of Piccadilly Circus. They had made it to the heart of London. Slider jumped to the ground, shortly followed by Bald Leon, who could hear sirens in the distance.
"We should scram, they'll probably blame us for that," He said
"I mean, it technically was our fault not gonna lie" Slider replied.
"Yeah I know but if we get arrested it will give Julian a warning that we’re coming"
"Good shout let’s leg it"
But it was too late to avoid giving Julian a warning. One of the many exports of Alatosh Industries was home and business security and CCTV cameras, which he hosted and monitored on his own network. The scheme was first rolled out as a partnership with the government to help emergency services get to incidents faster, and catch criminals in the act. Unfortunately for Bald Leon and Slider, the bus service had utilized these cameras, as well as almost every business at Picadilly Circus.
In the control centre across town, one of the Alatosh Industries operatives had been closely monitoring the bus situation and had coordinated an ambulance service to the scene, however, on orders of their superior manager, they had not informed the police. The manager had run to the phone as soon as they had heard about the incident.
"Yes sir, I think this could be the perfect opportunity to trial the security squads, these seem to be relatively low threat individuals, so the prototypes wouldn't be at risk, it'd make us look good in front of the police, they'd just have to reconsider the security contract"
The voice on the other side of the call remained silent for a moment, considering the proposition.
"Very well, But if this goes wrong it was your call and YOU will have to deal with that. Scramble the units"
"Very good sir" replied the Manager
The manager hung of the phone and gave the thumbs up to another worker who was standing by above their command console awaiting the go-ahead from the chain of command. as soon as the thumb went up, the worker slammed a red button on their work station, which activated one of the hundreds of drone nests that Alatosh Industries had installed at their locations around the city. The nearest facility was at Mayfair, a mere few minutes on foot from Piccadilly Circus, but of course, these drones could fly.
Within seconds, the drones arrived at the scene and scanned the crowd for the perpetrators of the crime, Slider and Bald Leon. Slider saw the drones before Bald Leon and pointed them out, and before he could even react, one of the five drones that had been scrambled fired a taser dart at Slider, shocking him unconscious immediately.
"Oh SHIT" Shouted Bald Leon
He grabbed Slider and threw him over his shoulder and tried to run away, but the drones followed close. Bald Leon sprinted down the road, attempting to seek refuge in some of the businesses he passed, however, he quickly found out that Alatosh Industries security division also offered "Smart doors" which closed and locked to prevent intruders, rioters and on the run criminals from escaping. Luckily for Bald Leon, the entrance to the nearby underground station didn't have a door, so he sprinted down the stairs to the London Underground and waited at the bottom, trying to catch his breath. unfortunately for him, he wouldn't have time to catch his breath, as the drones were able to follow him down the stairs into the train station, forcing Bald Leon to run further into the subway.
He ran down onto the nearest train platform, taking every twist and turn of the underground steps as quickly as he could, shoving civilians out of his way, as the drones flew just above their heads. Slider began to regain consciousness and quickly worked out the situation. He took a piece of brick that was still in his pocket and threw it at the closest drone, taking off one of its rotor blades and grounding it.
"Did you see that lad?" asked Slider
Bald Leon realised that Slider was conscious again and dropped him from his shoulder so that they could run together. There were four drones still after them, but they'd run out of steps and had reached the platform. They got to the platform and found that there was no train, and it was due in 60 seconds. As the train pulled into the station they immediately boarded but could hear the drones approaching. The drones came onto the platform and one of them immediately charged at Bald Leon, but the doors closed just in time, smashing the drone.
The train pulled away as the other three drones all came onto the tracks. Bald Leon and Slider stood at the furthest back car on the train and could see the drones as they sped towards the train closely behind in a tight formation. One of the drones broke formation to pull alongside the train, attempting to fire a taser at the pair once again through one of the windows, but before it even got a chance a second train came along the other line, smashing it to pieces, leaving just two drones in pursuit. The other drones pulled back a little bit for their own safety as the train began to arrive at the next station. Bald Leon and Slider shoved other passengers out of the way to get off of the train first, as the two drones flew over the train to get to them. The drones had swapped from their electric shock attacks to automatic rubber bullets. The pair ran from the drones up the stairs as fast as they could. Bald Leon felt up his pockets, trying to find something to battle the drones with. He shoved his hand to the very bottom of his blazer pocket and pulled out a frisbee.
"Aha!" He shouted with glee.
"A boomerang? What are you gonna do with that?" Asked Slider
Bald Leon turned around and threw the frisbee as hard as he could. He threw it with so much speed and strength that it cut straight through the arm of the drone, throwing it off balance and forcing it to crash. There was now only one drone left following them.
"Nice!" Shouted Slider
They got to the top of the stairs and looked around for something to use to take out the final drone. Slider pulled out some dental floss that he had been keeping in his pocket for later, and threw one end of it to Bald Leon. They stretched it out to its fullest and stood on either side of the exit to the underground. The drone came flying up the stairs and collided with the floss, getting it wrapped up in its rotors, forcing it to the ground.
Bald Leon walked over to the struggling drone, still not quite destroyed. He picked it up and stared into the camera and gave it a big smile
"HI, GUYS!" He shouted into the camera, deafening everyone listening in the control room. The Manager stood, shaking in fear after his failed operation. As he quaked in fear, the bell on the lift dinged and the doors opened, revealing the man he had been talking to on the phone, Julian Alatosh. He wore a dark purple suit and sunglasses and looked angry.
"Mark. You're fired. Get out." he said while looking at the manager.
"Yes sir. Sorry, Sir." Said the manager before scurrying into the lift. As he ran for the lift he was grabbed by two of Julian's goons, stopping him from reaching the button.
"NO PLEASE NOOOOOOOO" Shouted the Manager as he was carried away.
Julian stood in the control room, everyone staring at what had just transpired. He took a moment, waiting for Mark's screams to be too far away to hear before beginning his speech.
"Tell me, people, are we not supposed to be the cutting edge in home, business and public security? Are we not supposed to be the FUTURE of foolproof security measures? Are we not the third biggest company in the world right now? YOU answer the question NOW!" He shouted while pointing at an employee
"Yes! I'm sorry sir, Were doing our best" Cried the worker
"GET OUT!" Julian shouted, allowing this employee to reach the lift and escape. He picked up the managers PC and threw it across the room
"I EXPECT NOTHING LESS THAN THE BEST! SO SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THIS CHAV AND THAT BALD ASSHOLE DESTROYED FIVE OF OUR TOP OF THE LINE DRONES! THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE NEXT BIG THING, THE REPLACEMENT FOR THE PATROLLING COP! AND THEY'RE GETTING DESTROYED BY TWO ASSHOLES WHO CRASHED A BUS! I WANNA KNOW WHO THESE PRICKS ARE, AND WHY THEY BEAT US AT OUR OWN GAME, AND I WANNA KNOW IT YESTERDAY!" He screamed.
all of the workers hurried back to work, as Julian regained his composure and straightened his tie.
"Thank you, was that so hard?" He asked "I want a report by the end of the day on those two or some of you will be joining Mark"
Julian left without another word, leaving his workers to investigate Bald Leon and Slider.
CHAPTER 14: THE BOWMAN
Bald Leon and Slider ran from the centre of London into a more urbanised area. Neither of them could have possibly predicted the level of defence that Julian would possess, he didn't even know who they were yet and he had nearly taken them out with ease.
"What are we going to do Bald Leon?" asked a slightly scared Slider. He had not been prepared for what they had just gone through in the London underground and had spent a large portion of their escape/battle unconscious.
"We will have to continue as we planned and take the battle to him. If we can remain undetected and get to his building, it's as simple as getting in the lift and riding that to his office and fighting him" Bald Leon explained
"Well, how are we going to get to the other side of London undetected? It looks like his security firm is monitoring the whole city and I bet they've got more of those drones waiting to shoot us down, plus local feds, plus he probably has his own militia of security goons plus I bet he's got Optimus Prime somewhere waiting to attack us. So tell me how we are just going to sneak up undetected?" Asked an irritated Slider.
Bald Leon didn't respond verbally and simply nodded his head indicating something behind Slider. Slider turned around to see the empty alley.
"What am I looking at?" asked Slider.
"Exactly, hiding in plain sight, no one would think to look down there." Bald Leon explained
"Down... where?" Asked Slider.
He looked to the floor of the alleyway and saw what Bald Leon was referring to. A standard sewer grate.
"Oh, you are kidding." Said Slider
"Nope" Replied Bald Leon
He stomped on the sewer grate, causing it to spin like a coin on top of a glass bottle, before putting his foot on the top of it, stopping it in place and leaving it open. Slider was apprehensively approaching the manhole, making Bald Leon impatient. Bald Leon rolled his eyes and put his hand on Slider's back, shoving him into the hole, making him scream before hearing him splash into the sewage water. Bald Leon was much more cautious with himself, using the provided ladder on the side of the manhole to lower himself to the platform alongside the sewage canal, before tapping the sewer lid to cover their tracks, closing it behind them.
Slider pulled himself out of the dirty "water", covered in unspeakable liquids... and solids. He shook himself off and wiped himself down, trying to get the worst off.
"I hate you," He said to Bald Leon
"No time for that Slider, come on, This way!" He said, taking off into the sewer system.
Meanwhile, the Alatosh industries investigation department had been working very hard to find any information they could find on the two hoodlums who had trashed their drones. They had had a breakthrough, and a representative of the department had gone to Julian's office to present the information to him. He knocked on the door and was called in. When he entered, the representative found Julian was standing in his office, practising his bow and arrow skills, by firing on a target on the opposite side of the room. three arrows had been fired so far, and every arrow had hit the bullseye.
"what have you got for me?" asked Julian
"Well sir, there's good and bad news. we've identified one of them as "Slider Johnson". He's been in and out of children's prison since he was 14, no stints in an adult penitentiary yet. This other guy though, he's like a ghost. We may have a clue as to who he is, but for the most part, it's tabloid journalism. A story about an alleged "Iceman" been frozen since the stone age, but most people think that the guy is lying and doing it for attention. But we think that this could be that guy. If he is lying about being from the stone age, he's done a lot to cover his tracks, no birth certificate, no dental records, no bank cards, nothing. He's a ghost."
"interesting... What name does he go by?" asked Julian
"Bald Leon sir."
"And what about the tabloid Journalist?"
"Look's like the article was written by a... Gareth Temple, for some local newspaper"
"Bring him in, I think he could be our lead" Instructed Julian, before calmly breathing out and letting go of the arrow, firing it into the already overcrowded bullseye, hitting it once again, and splintering the other arrows already on the target.
Meanwhile, under the city, Bald Leon and Slider were getting closer and closer to their destination. after several wrong turns, they were finally in the right area. They found a ladder and clambered up it to the city surface. They found themselves a few blocks down from Alatosh industries HQ.
"What now Bald Leon?" Asked Slider
Bald Leon looked at Slider with a cunning smile on his face. "We go in the front door!"
The pair walked to the entrance of the building, stopping at a cart outside selling assorted accessories. They both took a pair of sunglasses without being caught and pushed the glass doors of the building open, approaching the desk with a stride to appear as if they meant to be there.
The receptionist looked them up and down, not entirely convinced by their disguise.
"Hello gentleman how can I help you?" She asked
"Hello, I'm Bald Leon and this is Slider Johnson, we are the ones who blew up those drones earlier and we're here to kill your boss Juli- Oh fuck I was supposed to lie" Said Bald Leon
The receptionist hit a panic button, which released several unmanned security robots into the lobby. they were similar tech to the flying drones that the pair had encountered earlier, however, they had legs and a rubber bullet machine gun, they were slower, but much more resilient. The receptionist disappeared into a panic room under her desk as the securitybots began to fire upon Bald Leon and Slider.
"You fucking idiot why would you say that?!" Shouted Slider at Bald Leon as they charged through the lobby towards the lift.
"I don't know I got anxious!" Bald Leon shouted back.
They smacked the button to call the lift, but the light had gone out on it because it had been disabled, the pair were left with no choice but to use the stairs. They looked back and saw the security robots jogging towards them, still firing. The staircase door took many of the rubber bullets as the pair slammed it behind them and charged upstairs.
Meanwhile upstairs, Gareth was being tortured by some of Julian's men.
"Mr Temple, I'm only asking you a simple question. What do you know about the Bald Iceman? We came to you and offered you money for your co-operation, and you claim that you know nothing, despite clearly having written a full article on the subject, so tell me, what are you hiding?"
Gareth was shirtless and his chest was coated in a mixture of sweat and blood.
"I already told you, I didn't write that fucking article. It was Jack Smith, my old colleague!"
"Then why is your name on it? I know you're wasting my time by blaming someone else, so just cut the bullshit and tell me what you know"
Just before they can continue to torture Gareth, the door is kicked open by Bald Leon, who is followed closely by Slider.
"There you are fucker" Said Bald Leon, before drawing his sword and rushing Julian.
Unable to counter with any weapon of his own, Julian is forced to dodge all of the attacks, being forced back by Bald Leon. Julian was able to block some of the strikes with his clothing, as he was wearing a custom suit with a fabric that was both bulletproof and blade resistant. Julian turned around and dived over a sofa that was in the office, grabbing a small coffee table that was in front of him and swinging it at Bald Leon. The table smashed instantly, staggering Bald Leon and leaving Julian with the metal frame. He quickly snapped parts off and bent them into shape so that he possessed a long metal rod, capable of parrying Bald Leon's sword strikes. The two of them rushed each other, Bald Leon attempting to land blows under Julian's suit, and Julian attempting to disarm Bald Leon.
While those two were fighting, Slider had been running around the office trying to find something he could use on the rapidly approaching security bots. He had been mostly unlucky, so he decided to dive for cover behind the operating table that Gareth had been strapped down to for his torture. The robots burst into the room and began to fire in Slider's general direction. The rubber bullets almost all hit Gareth, blackening his skin with the mass bruising, and blinding him in one eye.
"Sorry mate," said Slider.
Bald Leon and Julian had been unbothered by the incoming robot's, continuing to fight among themselves. Bald Leon attempted several rapid strikes on Julian, every single one of them being parried by the highly trained swordsman, but unfortunately for Julian, a kick to the chest is a lot harder to block. Bald Leon kicked Julian through the glass wall of the office into Julian's main office, however, this would prove to be a mistake for Bald Leon, as it gave Julian access to his own weapons. He picked up his weapon of choice, the bow, and began to fire multiple arrows at Bald Leon, who was forced into cover.
"What do you want with me you bald freak?" Questioned Julian
"I have to kill you to be worthy of my sword, the man who gave it to me was crippled by your father" replied Bald Leon
"My father never crippled anyone during his fighting career!" Shouted Back Julian.
"Well the shop guy who gave it to me said you did" Shouted back Bald Leon, still avoiding arrows and rubber bullets.
"That old moron? He lost his mind years ago! He lost the use of his legs when he slipped on a bag of marbles and shattered his legs!"
"Oh"
Slider crawled under the operating table, desperate for anything he could use. He picked up one of the torture implements, a blow torch, and crawled over to one of the robots, melting its optic servo's, rendering it blind, he then turned it around, forcing it to fire upon its fellow robots, destroying them, but before he could disable it, an electric shock travelled through it, sending Slider flying into the office with the other two.
"Oh hi Slider" said Bald Leon
"Hi Bald Leon, why isn't he dead," asked Slider
"Turn's out I don't need to kill him cause the guy who sold me the sword is mental, Me and Julian are friends now"
"I don't know about friends, but we've come to the mutual conclusion that this 'Violin Man' you told me about is a bigger threat than you ever will be" interjected Julian
"Speaking of threats, that robot is blind and has just switched to live ammo because the threat level has increased, and it's blind too, so it's gonna shoot at you as well Alatosh" Explained Slider
"Oh shit, get down!" Shouted Julian
The trio dived under a sofa, which was quickly being ripped apart by the bullet storm being fired upon them.
"What do we do now Bald Leon?" asked Slider
"Don't worry, I've got this" Said Julian
Julian pulled out his phone and pressed a button on an app. within a moment another side door in the office was kicked open, and a man wearing a tracksuit entered. He expertly dodged every single bullet and pirouetted out of the line of fire. He then unholstered his weapon and attacked the robot. There was a loud whipping sound and then silence. The robot had been destroyed.
"What the hell was that!" Shouted Slider
"Yeah actually, who was that?" asked Bald Leon
"Gentleman, allow me to introduce you to my personal bodyguard and assistant," said Julian
the man turned to face the trio, stood amongst the debris of the destroyed offices.
"Meet my friend, Dog Lead Man"
CHAPTER 15: JOURNEY TO THE CENTRE OF THE MIND
"So tell me more about this Violin man," asked Julian Alatosh
"He's a real knobhead. He's from the future and he came back in time to kill me and my friend Bald Ben, but he went crazy and is now on a quest for power by collecting all of the forever pebbles, then he will use them to kill us and take over the world or something, basically, just want's to prevent his own future" explained Bald Leon.
Dog Lead Man raised his hand to ask a question "How many pebbles has this bellend got so far then?"
"2, The Warrior pebble, which he stole from Julian's dad when he killed him, and the time pebble, which my dad give him to come back to this time" Bald Leon continued
"So by my birthright, the warrior pebble is mine correct?" Questioned Julian.
"No human should possess a forever pebble. They're far too dangerous, look what the time pebble did to Violin Man, making him crazy and forget about his mission to kill us" Said Bald Leon
"Not to mention that the Warrior pebble forced your dad to spend the whole of his life-risking everything in a warrior pit. He could have become an accountant or a hairdresser or anything instead, but the pebble made him do that" Interjected Slider.
"Hmm, I suppose you are correct. Regardless, Violin Man cannot be allowed to keep them. You say that you walked here from the North of England? That must have taken you days. I suggest we all go back to your home and regroup everyone who can help us kill this Violin Man. There is no way I'm walking either, Dog Lead Man is a qualified pilot, so he will fly us back in my helicopter" Said Julian.
"I'll head up to the roof now and get the chopper ready boss" Said Dog Lead Man before leaving the room and heading up the stairs to the roof.
"That gives us some time to re-arm ourselves, I'm sure this Violin Man won't go down without a fight" suggested Julian.
He pressed a button on his desk, revealing that a painting behind the desk had actually been a façade and was actually a door into a hidden vault. The trio of Bald Leon, Julian Alatosh and Slider Johnson all entered the vault and looked upon the racks of weapons. Julian quickly got to work picking up a compound bow, his weapon of choice, and two quivers of arrows, one full of standard arrows, and the second full of "trick arrows" with a variety of purposes. Bald Leon didn't need to arm himself with anything, as the only weapon he was interested in using was his sword. He decided that since he now knew he was worthy of wielding it, it deserved a name. He settled on "Rahabbi's Retribution" a name to honour the fallen warrior and a warning to Violin Man that vengeance for Julian's father was coming. Bald Leon found a sharpening stone in the armoury and got to work sharpening the slightly dull blade, making it sharper and more lethal than it had ever been before. Slider also didn't really have anything to prepare himself with, as he usually just fights with his fists and sliding ability, so instead of arming himself, he took one of the kit bags that Julian kept out, and began to fill it with as much valuable weaponry as he could carry, under the guise of being the "Supply man" for the team, when really he was going to attempt to sell the gear when no one was looking.
The group headed to the roof to find the helicopter already operational and the doors wide open. They all climbed inside and began to fly North.
"This your guys first time in a helicopter?" Asked Julian.
"YEAH" shouted back Slider
"What about you Bald Leon?"
"What? oh Nah, I invented these back in caveman times and they worked much better" explained Bald Leon
"How is that possible? This is literally the best, most luxurious, most comfortable and most expensive helicopter money can buy! The military doesn't even have this tech yet." whinged Julian
"Don't know what to say, buddy, It's just a bit shit" said bald Leon.
Julian sulked for the duration of the flight after Bald Leon's comments. Julian was very proud of his accumulated wealth and assets, and anyone questioning them or belittling him usually resulted in them being fired and sometimes put in prison, like Mark the manager. Unfortunately, Bald Leon and Slider were some of the first people Julian had met in a long time who either weren't on his payroll or people he could put in prison, they were just too valuable to him. Dog Lead Man filled the void by chatting to Slider and explaining his life story.
"Well basically I was born in 1900, and for some reason, I just don't age" He said while munching on a carrot.
"That's mad that lad. But why use a Dog Lead as a weapon?" asked Slider
"Well it just made sense with me being named Dog Lead Man" he explained
"Wait so you didn't take that name after adopting the weapon" questioned Slider
"No that's what my mum named me. We all had weird names back then" Dog Lead Man explained.
The flight continued and as they got closer to the North, Bald Leon asked Dog Lead Man to head slightly west towards the North West of England. He directed him to Bald Jack's house so that they were hovering directly above it.
"Are you sure he won't mind us landing on his roof?" asked Dog Lead Man
"Yeah just go ahead and set her down" Bald Leon persuaded
Dog Lead Man shrugged his shoulder and set the helicopter down on Bald Jack's house roof. The roof tiles were flung from the room, shattering on the ground. As the rotor blades shut down, Bald Leon climbed down from the roof, dropping to the ground and carefully bending his knees as to not hurt himself on impact. He knocked on the door and waited for Bald Jack to answer.
"Hi Bald Jack I'm back from... Who the fuck are you?" Asked Bald Leon
Bald Jack's ex-wife had answered the door in her dressing gown, having been woken up by the helicopter landing a mere few feet above her bedroom.
"What the fuck are you doing landing a fucking chopper on my roof? Why are you asking for Jack as well? He doesn't live here anymore I kicked him out!" She shouted
"Oh... ok well we're going to leave the helicopter parked there, you know how parking is round here hehe" He chuckled to himself
He called the trio left on the roof down to the floor, they all carefully climbed down the drainpipe. Bald Leon led them down the road towards Bald Ben's house, ignoring Amanda shouting and screaming about the destruction of her roof. They walk a few houses down the road and hear someone "psst" at them. They turn to see it's Bald Jack standing in an alleyway, with Gerkin sitting on his shoulder.
"Bald Jack? What are you doing there?" Asked Bald Leon
"Well me and the wife are going through some marital issues at the moment, nothing to worry about, but she has kicked me out for the moment, and I was hoping to get my inhaler from the house but she won't answer the door. Do you think you could help me get it?" he asked
"No. No time for that right now Bald Jack. Gerkin! What are you doing out here instead of being in Bald Ben's house?" Demanded Bald Leon
"I am never going back to that disgusting fucking place ever again, Bald Ben is a horrible person and his family just ignore it. I can't believe you'd be ok with me staying there" Gerkin screamed.
"Yeah shut the fuck up you little fucking finger monkey you do as I tell you alright? Now come here, were going to Bald Ben's house, we need to regroup and if you refuse I'll squeeze you till your ribs come out your mouth" Demanded Bald Leon
Gerkin, knowing that Bald Leon probably wasn't joking ran down Bald Jack's arm and onto Bald Leon's shoulder, Bald Jack decided to follow too, despite no one really caring if he came along or not. The group of six then marched to Bald Ben's house and knocked on the door. Mrs Choo answered and was shocked to see the gang of characters standing on her doorstep.
"Oh hello, Gerkin. Hello everyone. Are you looking for Bald ben?" She asked.
"Yes Mrs Choo, is he home?" Asked Gerkin
"I'm afraid not Gerkin, he's gone oaks" explained Mrs Choo
"What the hell is 'oaks', is it even a place?" asked Julian, looking to Dog Lead Man to see if he understood, which he didn't.
"Oaks is short for Cheshire Oaks, it's a shopping place nearby, but everyone just calls it oaks. We better get going" Bald Jack explained to the Southerners.
The group made their way to the oaks by bus. Julian hadn't ridden the bus for many years and found it disgusting. He spent his entire ride staring at Bald Leon and Slider, as the first time he had come into contact with them they had destroyed a bus, so he felt it wise to monitor them. They arrived at Oaks and searched around for Bald Ben. Slider noticed that the drive-thru queue for McDonald's was especially long, so they sauntered over to investigate. They found Bald Ben standing at the front of the drive-thru queue, making his order.
"and then I want a large cheese pizza, and 15 big macs and a whopper and a can of lilt" He shouted into the speaker.
"I'm sorry sir, as I said earlier, we do not offer Pizza's or the whopper burger here, they are available at other places. We also don't serve Lilt. I can get you those 15 Big Mac's though! Now Please... PLEASE let that be your order" The worker begged through the machine
"hmm, No I don't think so, I don't want big Mac's if I can't dip them in lilt, I'll have to order something else." He said with a sigh
The car behind him started to beep in anger. Bald Ben just turned around and stared blankly at the driver, not reacting in any other way than staring into their soul. He turned back and began to think of a new order, but before he could say it, the group searching for him walked over.
"Yalright Bald Ben" Said Bald Leon
"Yalright Bald Leon" Said Bald Ben
"You ordering a Mcdonald's, get me the wrap of the day please" Said Bald Leon
"No! There's no time for that come on, we need to get to a secure location" Shouted Julian
They all left the oaks, once again reunited, and headed to an Alatosh industries office in the nearby town. Julian commandeered one of the briefing rooms and got the staff members inside to clear out. Dog Lead Man and Slider unpacked all of the gear they had brought, while Bald Leon and Bald Ben picked out the comfiest chairs. Bald Jack tried to help anyone he could, and Gerkin made sure to keep his distance from Bald Ben. Julian had begun to draw on the board, plotting out the information they already had, and trying to formulate a plan.
"Ok, so Violin Man already has the warrior pebble and the time pebble, giving him manipulation of time and the skills of the greatest warriors of all time. You guys say that he hasn't beat you all in a fight yet even though he should be able to have complete malleability of the timeline?" asked Julian
"Yeah, I almost had him back in Dulak but he got the upper hand" explained Bald Ben
"That may be so, but with a portable time machine he should have been able to just erase you from the timeline, he's already proved that the timeline can be manipulated simply by being here so that either means he wants to prolong the battle, which doesn't seem likely, or he can't use the pebbles properly for whatever reason. That's a weakness that we can exploit" continued Julian
"right, but even if he has a nerfed pebble, he still has two pebbles, we need some of our own if we are going to stand a chance against him, all we have so far is the gay pebble, and we can't use that one properly either" explained Gerkin
"What other pebbles can we get our hands on" asked Dog Lead Man
"There's the desire pebble and the horny pebble. they're the only ones that have turned up on Earth yet" explained Bald Leon
"and these are as powerful as the manipulation of time itself and complete combat knowledge?" asked Julian in disbelief
"Absolutely. all the pebbles are equally powerful, so as long as we have more than him we can beat him" confirmed Bald Leon
"How do we get them then?" asked Bald Ben
"The horny pebble is lost, it'll take some time to find it, but the desire pebble is technically with us all right now. You have to go into your own mind and find the bit that makes you want stuff, then you can just get it from there. I did it once in caveman times when I wanted an RGB keyboard, but the catch with the Desire Pebble is once you've got what you wanted it'll start to disappear" Bald Leon explained
"Why don't we split into two groups then? Half of us go for the (and forgive my language) horny pebble, and the other half goes for the desire pebble?" suggested Bald Jack
"Nice idea Jack, Bald Leon can lead and pick the team going into their minds for the desire pebble cause he's done it before, and the rest of us will try and find this horny pebble" said Julian
"Alright, Bald Ben, Gerkin, and I guess Bald Jack. You're coming with me. I know a ritual that will let us all go into our minds and get the pebble at once, should reduce the chances of one of us wanting something other than beating Violin Man" said Bald Leon
The groups split up, with Julian, Dog Lead man and Slider going into one of the Alatosh industries research labs, while Bald Leon, Bald Ben, Bald Jack and Gerkin all lay on the ground, preparing for Bald Leon's ritual. They all join hands and follow Bald Leon's instruction, closing their eyes and counting to 30 before opening them again. They counted to 27 before Bald Ben let out a long, loud, wet fart, causing him and Bald Leon to stop counting and start chuckling. They restarted the count and made it to 30, and when they all opened their minds they found themselves in a strange space. There was no ground beneath their feet, no walls, no ceiling. It didn't feel like a zero-gravity environment, however, as they were all stood on something, despite the something they were stood on having an inconsistent height, allowing Gerkin to run around at eye level for the other three balds.
"What do we do now Bald Leon?" asked Bald Jack
"The easiest way is to get to the memories section, got to avoid any of your inner demons though, if you die in here you die in real life" Bald Leon explained.
"Wait really?!?" Asked Gerkin
"I don't know I just say that to scare people haha" replied Bald Leon
They walked for what felt like days. Then it felt like months. Then it felt like years. Then it felt like centuries. The longer-lived Bald Leon didn't feel these effect's, but Bald Ben, Bald Jack, and Gerkin were changed by this passage of time irreversibly, growing weary and bitter, slowly losing their minds.
"Bald Leon this isn't working. I've lost count of how many times I've said I don't think we're moving. We've always been able to see the memory centre, and it has not gotten one inch closer." complained Gerkin
"Wait!!!! I've had an idea!" Shouted Bald Jack
he took out his phone and opened the deliveroo app.
"That's a brilliant idea Bald Jack! Call Bald Ollie and he can take us there" Shouted Gerkin
Bald ben had grown mute over the millennia spent inside his own mind, traumatised by his own thoughts and actions, but when he heard Bald Jack's idea, he felt a glimmer of hope and smile for the first time in 5000 lifetimes. Bald Jack called for a burger King, and they all heard the bicycle bell ring behind them. They turned to see the first new face they had seen in a long, long time, standing there with his arm outstretched expectantly for a tip. They all climbed onto his bike with him and changed the order destination to the memory core.
"3, 2, 1. Close your eyes!" Shouted Bald Leon
"It worked! We're here!" Shouted an elated Gerkin
They got to the memory core, wheeling Bald Ollie with them who was still sitting on his bike. They found the thread of Bald Leon's lifetime, a physical representation of his memories and life. The part of his life he had spent encased in ice was indicated by that area being completely frozen. Bald Leon walked straight past the frozen section of the string to the caveman times part. He found the specific part of his memory where he had the forever pebble and peered into his own timeline, watching as the stone disappeared. at the last possible moment, he reached into his own past and grabbed the pebble, pulling it into his mindscape. He turned to the others, revealing his newly acquired forever pebble, the desire pebble.
"Ok everyone, gather round and touch the stone to make your wish," Said Bald Leon
Gerkin was the first to touch the pebble and speak "God I just wish we could get the hell out of here"
In an instant the whole group was thrown out of the mindscape, physically being pushed out of their own heads. they woke up back in the office. only 15 minutes had passed. They looked to the floor to see that their bodies were lying there, foreheads smashed open like a dropped vase.
"OH MY GOD ARE WE DEAD!" Shouted Bald Jack
Slider came rushing into the room greeting the quartet.
"Oh hi guys, did you get the pebble?" asked Slider
"Yeah, and Gerkin here the knobhead wasted his wish on getting us out when we could have just used Bald Ollie haha" taunted Bald Leon.
The effects of the lifetime spent in their own heads began to wear off as they readjusted to being in the real world, forgetting large details of what happened as if it was a dream fading in the morning, Bald Ben even regained the ability to speak. He grabbed the rock and made his wish.
"I wish I had an RTX 3080 to play Minecraft with," He said
"Good wish, better use than Gerkin who just asked to free us like a knobhead" congratulated Bald Leon
"What? He could have just wished to be rich and then he could have bought that anyway? how was that not a wasted wish?" Said Gerkin
"Yeah, whatever Gerkin. Bald Jack, it's your turn" Said Bald Leon
"No it's ok Bald Leon, Bald Ollie should go before me because without him we wouldn't have made it there" offered Bald Jack
They placed the pebble in Bald Ollie's hand, and after a few seconds, his other hand was filled with £17.65 in an assortment of coins and notes. This was exactly 1 penny over Bald Ollie's largest tip he had received prior. Bald Leon took the pebble back off of him, handing it to Bald Jack.
"hmm what to wish for. well, I guess I've just always wanted a hobby, like errr stamp collecting!" Said Bald Jack
Bald Jack's wish was granted, as a binder full of assorted stamps appeared in his hands. Bald Leon took the pebble, to make the final wish, the only wish that mattered. To wish the power to defeat Violin Man.
"I wish for a nice new three-piece suit," He said
a new navy suit appeared on top of Bald Leon's previous navy suit. it was complete with a pocket square.
"WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WISH FOR VIOLIN MAN TO LOSE, NOT THESE FRIVOLITIES!" shouted Julian who had just walked into the room in time to observe, but not prevent, the final wish.
He grabbed the stone from Bald Leon and did the work himself
"I wish we had the chance to kill that FUCKER, VIOLIN MAN"
CHAPTER 16: THE PARTING OF THE BALDS
"Well... What happened" Asked Bald Jack
The group all stood in the Alatosh industries office in the aftermath of Julian's wish, waiting for something to happen.
"Nothing's changed..." Said Dog Lead Man
"and the pebble is still here" Pointed out Bald Leon
Julian stood, eyes wide staring down at the rock in his hands.
"I... I should have known that this was all bullshit... a rock that can give us the power to stop a god? How could I be so stupid" Said Julian
"I don't get it. The pebbles are supposed to be limitless when wielded correctly. You must have done something wrong" Gerkin said accusing Julian
"I know how to make a fucking wish monkey!" shouted Julian
"Oi don't talk to Gerkin like that, only I get to talk to Gerkin like that!" shouted Bald Ben
"Oh shut up you fucking reprobate, what the hell are you even doing here? you're just a fucking basement dwelling nice guy!" Julian shouted while prodding Bald Ben with his finger
Bald Jack began to protest "Guys guys! This is what Violin Man want's! If we argue between ourselves, how are we going to-"
Slider slammed Bald Jack over the head with a foldable metal chair, flooring him instantly and at the same time, Bald Ben punched Julian in the face. The group erupted into a brawl of infighting. Dog Lead Man tried to protect his employer, Julian, but before he could Bald Leon shoved him through a wall. Gerkin ran over to the unconscious Bald Jack to check if he was alright, while Slider slid over to Bald Ben as if the floor was ice and began to wallop him. There were no clear sides and the fight was brutal, eventually, Bald Leon turned to face Bald Ben.
"What did you punch Julian for you knobhead?" asked Bald Leon
"He was being mean to me. Why don't you ever take my side?" countered Bald Ben
"Cause your usually the knobhead in the situation" Bald Leon replied
The pair ran at each other and began to tangle. Bald Leon trying to thump Bald Ben on the top of his head, and Bald Ben trying to punch Bald Leon in his kidney. They were both blocking each other's attacks, perfect matches for each other, and they eventually wrestled to the ground, both trying to choke the other one out.
"GUYS! STOP IT!" Shouted the now recovered Bald Jack
everyone stopped fighting to listen to Bald Jack.
"Julian can't help it if the pebble didn't work for him for whatever reason, there's no need to have a go at him for it. and Slider! I don't know why you hit me with that chair but it really, really hurt, and I've got a lump growing on my head now. Julian! you need to calm down! I know you're scared of Violin Man and the threat he poses, we all are! But you don't shout at your friends like that!"
Julian stared at Bald Jack in disbelief "Friends? Do you think we're all friends here? Dog Lead Man is my employee, and he is the only one of you I would call something even close to a friend. I met Slider and Bald Leon when they destroyed my property. My company has been working with the crown prosecution service for months trying to get concrete evidence on Bald Ben, That guy is a fucking talking monkey and you? I just find you insufferably happy. Your optimism is revolting, when are you going to grow up and see the world as it is? Before this week my world was a cold, dark place, that only made sense when I made it, and then I met you idiots and it's still a cold, dark place, but there's now some guy who killed MY FATHER, and he is only here because of those two idiots! My dad is dead because you couldn't just be FUCKING NORMAL. Dog Lead Man, we're going back to London to work this case ourselves, no more of this magic fucking healing quartz pebbles bullshit. Slider, as a gesture of goodwill, the offer's there if you want a lift back down south, the terms of it are that after I give you the lift I never see you again. The rest of you, those same terms stand, but I'm not giving any of you a lift anywhere. If any of you get in my way, I'll have you arrested."
Julian turned around and threw the pebble onto a nearby desk and then left without another word, Dog Lead Man following behind him. Slider looked at the remaining Balds before following Julian and Dog Lead Man out the door.
"This is all your fault Bald Leon!" said Bald Ben, he then picked up a stapler and threw it through a nearby glass window, stepping out of it.
"What do we do now Bald Leon?" asked Bald Jack with Gerkin sitting on his shoulder.
Bald Leon just stood staring at the pebble on the desk. Not even he with his vast knowledge could understand why the pebble hadn't worked. As they all stood in silence, a single word from a slow and croaky voice broke the silence.
"fight"
The trio turned to see the source of the voice, it was Bald Ollie.
"Jesus Christ, have you just been stood there the whole time? You usually disappear by now" said Gerkin
"What did you say?" asked Bald Leon
Bald Ollie simply stood staring at Bald Leon
"Did you say fight?" Bald Leon asked again.
Bald Ollie slowly outstretched his open hand, but before anyone could put money into his palm as a tip as they usually do, his fingers slowly closed, and his thumb stretched out. He turned his wrist, forming a thumbs up with his hand.
"He thinks we should fight? Why should we trust him, that's the first time he's spoken ever" asked
Gerkin
"The legend of Bald Ollie is almost as old as time itself. He was the second entity The Master ever created, after duplicates of himself. It's believed that Bald Ollie's memory contains the key to all of history" explained Bald Leon
"So he's a pretty reliable source?" asked Bald Jack
"Absolutely," said Bald Leon
Bald Leon reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper, marked as a coupon for "1 Jabberwocky". He placed it into Bald Ollie's hand, who let out the slightest of smiles.
"Turn around everyone, He's said what he needed to say" said Bald Leon
They all turned around as they were asked and when they looked back, Bald Ollie was gone. Bald Jack grabbed the pebble off of the desk, and they all walked out of the building.
"Where do we go now Bald Leon" asked Bald Jack
"Let's go my house and work out what's what" he replied.
They walked to Bald Leon's house. It was the first time Bald Leon had been home in a long time, after having his globetrotting adventure collecting the pebbles, so when he began to walk up his garden path he was concerned by the lack of filth coating his house. Bald Leon didn't pay for window cleaners because he didn't believe in them and instead washed his windows himself, but his windows were spotless despite him not being home in a long time. His grass in the front garden was also well maintained, and the bins had been put out for bin day. He got to his front door and put the key in the lock, it turned just as normal, but when he walked into his living room there was a man sat on his couch with long dark brown hair and a moustache watching 'Go Diego! go!'.
"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE" Shouted Bald Leon
"Ai Ai Ai! me asustaste gilipollas! ¿Por qué estás irrumpiendo en la casa así, eh? ¿Estás tratando de darme un ataque al corazón?" Said the intruder
"What?" asked Bald Leon, not understanding a word of Spanish
The intruder let out a sigh "por supuesto que el gringo no entiende español. YOU BALD LEON?"
"Yes I'm Bald Leon, who the fuck are you and why are you in my house?" demanded Bald Leon
"ME, MEXICAN BALD LEON. Voy a la escuela por ti y mantengo buenas notas. Deberías estar agradecido, por mí eres casi un físico forense." explained the imposter, Mexican Bald Leon
"wait did you say something about fisico forense... isn't that forensic physics... have you been going to school for me?" asked Bald Leon
"Si, top of class" explained Mexican Bald Leon
"Ok, but why?" asked Bald Jack
"Porque es divertido" answered Mexican Bald Leon
"ok well, you are no longer needed. get out my gaff, I've got work to do. thanks for doing the work for me" said Bald Leon while escorting Mexican Bald Leon out of his house.
"Estaré ahí para ti cuando me necesites. cuando llegue el momento, tomaré las armas por tu causa. somos hermanos de armas y lucharemos hasta llegar al Valhalla, amigo mío." said Mexican Bald Leon
"Yeah right well I still don't speak Spanish so bye fuck off now" replied Bald Leon, ushering Mexican Bald Leon out of the door.
"That was weird," said Gerkin
"Yeah, but it meant I didn't have to go to school so I'm not arsed. Why did the pebble work for all of us but not for Julian? Bald Jack you wished for stamps right? is the stamp book all correct?" asked Bald Leon
"Yep! full collection of flowers stamps from 1965 to 1989! some very valuable stamps in here."
"and I got my wish too. so there's no reason why it shouldn't have worked for Julian. it worked for people who didn't go in the mindscape so why not now?" asked a perplexed Bald Leon
Gerkin made a suggestion. "What if we try and summon The Master and ask him?"
"Maybe he would tell us, the issue is my space phone doesn't get signal here, we would have to go to the phone mast and plug my phone in to boost it. but I'm not taking both the pebbles out in public. it was risky enough taking the gay pebble with us when we were getting the desire pebble" said Bald Leon
"Well maybe you and I could go and Bald Jack could stay here and guard the pebbles" suggested Gerkin.
"That sounds like a good idea to me," said Bald Jack
Bald Leon paused for a moment to consider what their options were, but he couldn't think of any better ideas.
"Fine. Bald Jack don't ruin my house, Come on Gerkin let's go and make this call. Here's the Gay pebble" Bald Leon said as he handed the pebble to Bald Jack
Gerkin ran down Bald Jack's shoulder and climbed onto Bald Leon's and the pair then walked out the door to try and find some answers. Bald Jack sat down on Bald Leon's couch and turned on the TV, but before he could even get comfortable there was a knock on the door. Bald Jack walked to the door and opened it.
"I'm sorry this isn't my house I'm just house-sitting for my friend while he's out. would you like me to take a message for you?" asked Bald Jack
"No. But I can take those pebbles instead"
Bald Jack looked up to see the strangers face. Stood looming over him was the worst person to ever be at Bald Leon's door. Violin Man had found him.
"V-Violin Man? I... I don't know what you’re talking about" stuttered a terrified Bald Jack
"The pebbles emit a very specific frequency. A frequency that the strings of my Violin can detect and trace. That's how I found the horny pebble before any of you idiots. As soon as the Desire pebble entered this realm, I knew exactly where it was. for example, now it's in your back left pocket. Now don't lie to my Bald Jack. I've been looking into you, and according to your prison records, honesty is a very important thing for you. Now... Give. Me. The. Pebble"
Bald Jack stood trembling in fear. He reached into his back pocket, and slid the pebble out of it. He carefully and slowly placed it into Violin Man's hand, hoping that every second he stalled would be a chance for Bald Leon and Gerkin to get back and help him. Luckily for Bald Jack, there was someone else looking for him.
"Bald Jack! You are in violation of your parole terms! You are under arrest" shouted Bald Jack's parole officer
"Help me! This guy's trying to steal my pebbles" shouted Bald Jack.
Violin Man turned to the officer and grabbed his violin, playing a few quick notes to fire energy at the policeman. By sheer chance, the officer was able to dive over the bush and out of the way, and in the time it took Violin Man to turn around and do this, Bald Jack had run inside and slammed the door.
"Officer under fire requesting immediate backup on my location ASAP, the suspect is heavily armed and dangerous" shouted the officer into his radio.
Violin Man continued to fire off quick sudden notes, but with a very short amount of time, the SWAT team had arrived armed with machine guns. They surrounded Violin Man, pointing their MP5 submachine gun's straight at him
"POLICE! HANDS ABOVE YOUR FUCKING HEAD NOW! DROP THE VIOLIN" shouted one of them
Violin Man simply smirked, before tucking and rolling forward, playing a tune on his violin as he moved. The SWAT team opened fire, but to their dismay, the tune that Violin Man had played had created a shield around his person, causing the bullets to impact the invisible shield, crumpling as if they had hit concrete, before dropping to the floor inert. Violin Man added another layer of strings to his tune, allowing him to keep up the shield while also returning fire. He tapped into the power of the warrior pebble, giving his sonic blasts the power to vaporise each of the officers the targetted energy blasts hit, turning each of them into dust one by one. Eventually, only Bald Jack's parole officer remained. He crawled for one of the guns dropped by the SWAT team, but before he could grab it, Violin Man grabbed him by his neck and lifted him into the air.
"Pathetic..." said Violin Man, before squeezing the officers neck, and dropping his body.
Violin Man turned to face the house, he kicked the door in and marched upstairs where he found Bald Jack cowering in the bathroom.
"Give me the pebble Jack. Sharing is caring"
Bald Jack offered up the pebble to Violin Man, who took it and tipped it into his violin with all of the other pebbles he had gathered. A surge of energy surrounded him as he became empowered by all of the pebbles. He turned and walked down the stairs with a smirk on his face.
"I win"
CHAPTER 17: THE STRAIGHTENER
"How is it up there!" shouted Bald Leon.
"WINDYYYYY!" Gerkin shouted back.
Gerkin was three-quarters of the way up a telephone mast, he was holding a long ethernet cable with his tale, and using his paws to cling to the metal pylon for dear life. He and Bald Leon were climbing this pylon to try and boost the signal on Bald Leon's phone so that his calls could reach deep space, allowing him to call his father and creator of the universe, The Master. Gerkin had been led to believe that this would be a team effort, but so far he had been the only one climbing the phone mast, unwinding the cable (which for him was very heavy), programming the phone to interpret the cables signals and for some reason Bald Leon had made Gerkin carry him part of the way to the pylon because he claimed to have a bit of gravel in his shoe. Gerkin had asked why he couldn't just take it out but Bald Leon had replied "don't be so stupid Gerkin, now carry me".
A sudden gust of wind forced Gerkin to lose his grip with his back paws (what would be his feet). Luckily his front paws had a vice-like grip on the pylon.
"Careful Gerkin! That ethernet cable is expensive" shouted Bald Leon.
"WHAT ABOUT MY LIFE! IS THAT NOT PRICELESS!" Gerkin screamed.
"cables worth more" Bald Leon whispered to himself.
Gerkin climbed the remaining height of the tower and plugged the cable in. He then slowly made his way back down, being extra careful not to fall. As he reached the ground he was once again greeted by Bald Leon.
"What took you so long Gerkin? We haven't got all day" he said.
"Sorry Bald Leon, it's just in case you didn't notice, I'm a fucking finger monkey so I struggle to climb human-sized structures" Gerkin explained.
"Poor excuse. Hate people like you, always looking for a handout" Bald Leon replied.
Bald Leon then turned to the control box on the pylon and opened the cover.
"oh look Gerkin, There was a port for the cable, you didn't even have to go up there hahaha" chuckled Bald Leon.
"WOW! THAT'S CONVENIENT!" Gerkin shouted furiously.
Bald Leon plugged the dangling cable into his phone and opened the contacts app, tapping The Master's contact details and calling him.
"Hello?" asked The Master.
"Hello The Master, it's me, Bald Leon. I need help with a situation on Earth. Can you get here in 1.954 seconds please" asked Bald Leon.
"Ok" replied The Master.
1.953 seconds later there was a crackle of lightning and a rumble of thunder. Gerkin looked into the sky, looking for the lightning, and saw The Master floating down to the ground from miles up in the sky. The Master touched down next to Bald Leon and Gerkin.
"What's up?" asked The Master.
"Basically, Violin Man is trying to get all the pebbles and almost everyone who was helping me stop him has buggered off. How do we stop him from getting the forever pebbles?" questioned Bald Leon.
The Master checked his watch. "no it's too late for that. By now he will have them all".
"What do you mean? We had the other two and we left them with... Bald Jack!" shouted Gerkin.
Gerkin ran up Bald Leon's arm as Bald Leon prepared to sprint back to his house with his super-speed, but before he could run off, The Master stepped in the way.
"It's alright. You think having the forever pebbles makes you unstoppable? I don't have any pebbles do I? and there's no way he could beat me. No, all him having the forever pebbles mean's is that it's going to be a hell of a lot harder for you to beat him. You're going to have to get your team back together, if you face him alone you will die. All you have to do is take the pebbles from him one at a time to beat him" explained The Master.
"But how are we meant to do that?" asked Bald Leon
"You will work it out. Good luck Bald Leon" The Master said as he began to float back into the sky
"Wait! We need more information than that!" shouted Gerkin at the rapidly disappearing god
"You got this guys!" shouted back The Master
Gerkin slumped over and sighed "What now Bald Leon?"
"let's go back to mine and get the band back together. Oh and kick the shit out of Bald Jack" said Bald Leon
Gerkin clung onto Bald Leon's shoulder as he began to sprint back to his house. They arrived in record time and found the wreckage that Violin Man had left, dozens of piles of dust and ash that were once SWAT policeman, Bald Jack's parole officer whose neck had been snapped, and Bald Leon's front door kicked off of its hinges. Bald Jack ran outside to greet his returning friends.
"GUYS! GUYS! VIOLIN MAN GOT THE PEBBLES. I TRIED BUT I COULDN'T STOP HIM!" shouted Bald Jack
"yeah, we know knobhead. and we know you just give them up as well" said Bald Leon before slapping Bald Jack around the ear, deafening him and flooring him with the searing pain.
"anyway, we need to get everyone back together, Gerkin, I want you to get on the phone with the London lot while me and Bald Jack try and get Bald Ben to be my friend again. Come on Bald Jack get up I didn't you that hard"
"You can't treat me like this Bald Leon," said Bald Jack with blood pouring out of his ear.
"Grow up Bald Jack, stop being a pussy" said Bald Leon
"NO! In fact, I'm out. I've been nothing but nice to you, and all I wanted in return was a bit of information so I could get my job back. get my wife and kids back. get my life back. and- and now I've shaved my head and I've been to prison. I'm not getting my job back with all that! My wife hates me, my kids haven't even noticed I'm gone! So you can face your violin playing assassin from the future by yourself. I'm going home!" he shouted at Bald Leon before turning around and leaving Bald Leon's house
Gerkin and Bald Leon stood in silence as they watched Bald Jack go, leaving a trail of blood behind him from his destroyed ear canal.
"He is right you know Bald Leon... You treat people horribly and expect them to do as you want" Said Gerkin Solemnly
"I'm a Bald, Gerkin. I don't do manners" replied Bald Leon
"Well, maybe you need to learn some.,. It's the 21st century, not the stone age anymore" Said Gerkin before he too left.
"What? Gerkin? Not you too! Gerkin? Gerkin! GERKIN!" Shouted Bald Leon
the tiny monkey walked down Bald Leon's path, ignoring his calls. When he reached the road he looked down at the trail of blood left behind by Bald Jack and began to follow it.
"GERKIN! IT'S CALLED CAVEMAN TIMES! GERKIN! COME BACK!"
The only response Bald Leon got as he shouted into the road was the wind whistling through the trees.
"Fine. I don't need them, Bald Ben will see sense, I just need him to sort all this out" Bald Leon said to himself before taking off with his super-speed in the direction of Bald Ben's house. He ran so fast he arrived 3 seconds before he left his house. He knocked on the door and awaited a response. Mrs Choo answered the door.
"Oh Hello Bald Leon. I thought you and Bald Ben had fallen out?"
"We had, I'm here to have a straightener with him, put our differences aside" explained Bald Leon
"Oh well, I suppose that makes sense. BALD BEN! Bald Leon is here to have a straightener!" Shouted Mrs Choo up the stairs
"Be down in a minute mum, I'm just finishing mastur-SHOWERING" Shouted back Bald Ben
"Mrs Choo you have a very quiet shower I can't even hear it running" Said Bald Leon
Bald Ben came down the stairs after 14 more minutes while Mrs Choo and Bald Leon waited patiently in the doorway, despite Mrs Choo offering Bald Leon to enter the house and have a cup of tea.
"Yalright Bald Ben," said Bald Leon
"Yalirght Bald Leon" replied Bald Ben. Bald Ben punched Bald Leon across the face as soon as he finished his sentence, launching him hundred of metres into the air and across the sky. Bald Ben then took out his phone and called an Uber to ferry him across to where he thought Bald Leon would land. 5 minutes later the Uber arrived, and after a further 7 minutes of driving, Bald Ben arrived at his destination, refused to pay, and left the cab in time to see Bald Leon land.
"ow," said Bald Leon
Bald Leon then ran at Bald Ben, the pair engaging in hand to hand combat. Bald Leon attempted to jab Bald Ben's stomach but found that the flabby belly simply repelled any and all of the damage, no matter how hard Bald Leon punched it, all it did was make Bald Ben chuckle. Bald Ben took the opportunity of Bald Leon being distracted by his rotund body to thump him on the top of his head. Bald Ben hit him so hard that Bald Leon sunk a foot into the ground, which wouldn't have been as significant if they had not been stood on a hard concrete floor, which had been cracked under the pressure of Bald Ben's strike. Once he recovered, Bald Leon grabbed Bald Ben by his leg, and with all his might, lifted him into the air and spun him around. He let go of his leg, launching Bald Ben into the thicket of trees, cutting through them as if he was a hot knife in warm butter.
Bald Leon walked over to where Bald Ben had landed, only to find him missing, as he looked around for his target he heard screaming from above, as Bald Ben had climbed up a tree and then dropped himself onto Bald Leon. Bald Leon was growing tired of this fight, so once he was able to break free from underneath Bald Ben, he took off at super-speed, but he didn't go very far. He began to circle Bald Ben over and over again, creating a whirlwind around Bald Ben.
Bald Ben gasped "The whirlwind sprint!"
Bald Leon got faster and faster, creating a vacuum at the eye of the storm, slowly suffocating Bald Ben, who eventually dropped to the ground due to the oxygen deprivation. However, before Bald Ben lost consciousness, Bald Leon slowed down, to a normal running pace before stopping completely. He stood over Bald Ben, offering his hand to help his friend up.
"pals?" he asked Bald Ben
Bald Ben stared up at his friend's hand. The only friend he had ever known.
"I'm sorry Bald Leon... but no. Things just aren't the same as what they were"
Bald Ben pushed himself up, without the help of Bald Leon. He gave his old friend one last look, a slight smile and slight nod, and began to walk home, leaving Bald Leon in the thick forest.
Alone…
CHAPTER 18: CONFRONTATION OF THE STRINGS
Bald Leon was alone.
Bald Jack had gone home, sick of being pushed around.
Gerkin couldn't stand the infighting between the group anymore.
Slider had gone to London for a better life.
Julian had given up on the pebble quest.
Dog Lead Man worked for Julian so he wasn't going to help either.
Bald Ollie didn't help anyone.
The Master, Bald Leon's own father, didn't care enough to help directly, only giving him cryptic bullshit clues instead.
Even Bald Ben, Bald Leon's best friend, had given up and left him.
Now was not the time for mourning lost friendships though, he thought to himself. Now was the time for action. Violin Man had all the pebbles. He was the most powerful being on Earth, and he wanted Bald Leon's head. Bald Leon knew that the power of the forever pebbles had corrupted Violin Man's mind, convincing him that the future that had been created, where Bald Ben and Bald Leon destroyed the world by accident, was absolute. But Bald Leon's Bald powers gave him an insight that regular humans did not possess, he had absolute knowledge, and that knowledge told him that time is malleable, hence the existence of the time pebble, but Violin Man could not be convinced of this. The pebbles enhanced a person's physical abilities, yes, but they also enhanced their emotions. The warrior pebble enhanced Violin Man's existing anger to pure hatred of the Balds. The time pebble had taken his sense of pride and strength and changed it to a belief of absolute invulnerability and control. The Desire pebble had taken his initial dream of preventing his own dark future, and fixing the world, and warped it into a desire to control the flow of time itself, guaranteeing a future where he came out on top, whatever the cost to others. The horny pebble had made him incredibly horny, something that any man can tell you will mess with your sense of clarity.
All of these factors had turned Violin Man from the noble warrior he was in his own time, to a dark creature of impulse and rage. The missing evolutionary link between Man and Bald.
Bald Leon walked home and prepared himself for what he knew he had to do. He knew that the odds were massively stacked against him, but he had just seen the Disney movie "underdog", well he had seen the DVD on a shelf anyway, and he knew that in these stories the underdog always wins. He got back to his house and went upstairs to look over his things, possibly for the last time. He noticed his piggy bank full of rocks had gone missing and then realised his wife, Ulga had gone missing as well. None of that mattered to him though, he could always get a new wife and piggy bank, If he survived that is.
He went back downstairs and stood over his fireplace, where he had mounted his sword on the mantlepiece. He placed his hand on its hilt, lifting it and the sheath off of his display and attaching it to his belt. He took to Facebook and sent Violin Man two messages.
today, 8 pm
the meadows
Violin Man quickly opened the messages and sent his reply.
I'm glad you have decided where and when you would like to die, see you then.
Bald Leon locked his phone and threw it onto the couch. He walked out the door, closing and locking it behind him, before posting the key back through the letterbox. He walked to the meadows, found a nice dry piece of grass, sat down and began to wait. Hours passed as the clock ticked, closer and closer to the time of Violin Man's arrival. The sky was clear and blue, and the river that ran alongside the meadow was calm and blue.
As soon as the clock ticked over from 7:59 to 8:00 however, that all changed. Storm clouds instantaneously appeared in the sky, too fast for a camera with the highest frame rate to capture them forming, and lightning began to blast the ground of the meadows, as Violin Man, surfing his Violin like a hoverboard, descended from the sky. He touched down, stepping off of the board and reaching out his hand, forcing his Violin to shoot into his hand from the ground, as if it was magnetised to him. The pebbles had embellished the wooden frame of the Violin, harnessing the pebbles in gold-coloured fixtures with thin cables attached to the strings, allowing Violin Man to harness their powers simultaneously instead of individually.
"like my new instrument?" asked Violin Man
Bald Leon simply stared at him as he approached from across the field. The parents and families who had been picnicking in the park quickly dissipated and ran away some from the incoming storm, but a select few ran as they sensed the incoming battle. Bald Leon carefully and slowly placed his hand on the hilt of his blade.
"Wait... You're seriously still going to try and fight me? after all this?" Violin Man asked before breaking down into laughter.
Bald Leon still gave no reaction, gripping the handle.
"Wow, that's fine. haha. I was hoping you would put up a fight, to be honest, it'd be no fun killing you if you had just resigned yourself to death" Said Violin Man
"Shut up. let's just do this" said Bald Leon.
Bald Leon ran at Violin Man, keeping his hand on the hilt ready, and Violin Man used the time pebble to slow time down to give him the advantage, but Bald Leon had anticipated this and was using his super-speed, moving so fast it was as if time hadn't been slowed down in the first place.
"Impressive... But it won't be enough" said Violin Man.
Bald Leon drew his blade to meet Violin Man's face, but Violin Man swung his Violin, blocking the strike. A further three strikes from Bald Leon were all blocked, as the skilful musician danced around his opponent. Bald Leon knew he had to change his tactic, Violin Man was just too powerful while he had the pebbles. He began to swing his sword at the Violin directly, instead of at Violin Man, in an attempt to damage the fixtures holding the pebbles to the instrument, harnessing their powers. He began with the time pebble because having effective super-speed instead of just comparatively normal speed would be a huge advantage. Luckily for Bald Leon, Violin Man hadn't realised his strategy yet.
"You've gotten sloppy Bald Leon. I'm blocking all your strikes with ease!" Violin Man shouted before smacking Bald Leon across the jaw with the violin, making him lose focus on maintaining his super speed. Violin Man took this opportunity to draw a tiny blade from the violin, and with his own relative super-speed granted by the time pebble, he used the blade to cut Bald Leon one thousand times, with one thousand tiny bleeding cuts, all none-lethal, purely to make Bald Leon suffer.
Bald Leon screamed in pain, it was made even worse when Violin Man pulled a lemon from his pocket, bit it in half and sprayed the juice over Bald Leon's body, causing him searing pain as the lemon juice seeped into the thousand cuts.
"God I've always wanted to do that hahaha" chortled Violin Man.
Bald Leon wheezed in pain, trying to get his bearings. Violin Man took this opportunity to brutally beat Bald Leon, each punch fueled by the warrior pebble, each punch being a killing blow to a normal human. Bald Leon's bruised and battered body lay lifeless on the ground before Violin Man.
"and I didn't have to play a single note..." Violin Man said victoriously.
Bald Leon slowly lifted his head, before having it punched back down again by Violin Man. But what Violin Man didn't notice was that Bald Leon had also lifted up his sword at the same time, jamming it in a small gap that had been created between the stone and the fixture.
"WAIT! What are you doing?!" shouted Violin Man
Before he could even start to use the stone to reverse time and prevent Bald Leon's actions, Bald Leon jammed the sword into the Violin, forcing the stone out of its housing, disconnecting it from the Violin. The stone rolled away into the nearby grass, and as Violin Man stood to grab it, Bald Leon grabbed his leg and threw him into a nearby tree. Bald Leon stood, picking up the stone and swallowing it whole.
"DAMMIT! JESUS CHRIST, I WISH YOU DIDN'T HAVE THAT GODDAMN SWORD!" shouted Violin Man in a rage, before clasping his own mouth shut as he realised what he had said and done.
Bald Leon's sword evaporated in his hands, as the desire pebble did the same thing, its wish-granting completed.
"FUCK" screamed Violin Man.
Bald Leon smirked, two stones down and only three to go, he was feeling optimistic. But Violin Man wasn't playing around anymore, as he took his Violin and began to barrage Bald Leon with a wide range of attacks using his instrument, enhanced by the three remaining stones. Bald Leon successfully dodged several of the energy blasts, ducking and covering behind trees, shrubs and bushes where he could, setting fire to the entire meadows, but eventually, he ran out of cover. Bald Leon was hit by a direct energy blast, knocking him down and nearly killing him.
"Now it's time to do what I should have done a long time ago, before I got to this time, before I helped defrost you to give you an honourable death, and before you cost me 2 of my pebbles. I'm going to kill you." boasted Violin Man.
He pulled back his string, and began to play, allowing the energy to build up the neck of the violin, contained within the strings. Bald Leon struggled to move, as he had been severely injured by the first blast. He came to a realisation.
This was it.
The energy built and built in the violin, ten times as strong as the blast that had just crippled him, and all Bald Leon could do was watch.
He closed his eyes.
And accepted his fate.
His death.
He had tried.
But he had failed.
He prayed that the other Bald's and Julian would succeed where he had failed, and stop Violin Man, but if The Master had been right, this wouldn't be the case.
None of that mattered now.
He closed his eyes as he heard Violin Man release the energy, firing the blast towards him. Time seemed to move incredibly slowly as Bald Leon felt all the years of his life flash before his eyes. His early life in caveman times with ugg bugg, the millennia spent locked in the ice while his balls itched and waking up in the 21st century. meeting Bald Ben, and Slider and Gerkin and even Bald Jack. He had lived a good life.
He awaited the blast to hit him.
and waited.
and waited.
He opened his eyes, and saw a large mass of skin and fat in the way of the blast, absorbing and reflecting it.
"Yalright Bald Leon?" asked the mass of skin and fat.
Bald Leon smiled and looked at his friend's face.
"Yalright Bald Ben"
CHAPTER 19: THE DESOLATION OF THE MEADOWS
"I didn't think you'd come back" Said Bald Leon
"My dad made me because it wasn't very neighbourly and reminded me of the fact that I don't have any other.... any other friends," Said Bald Ben, still blocking the energy strike from Violin Man
"So we're friends again?" asked Bald Leon
"If you get me a tin of coke then yeah sure" replied Bald Ben
"sound," said Bald Leon with a smile
"Oh and I hope you don't mind, but I invited a few friends," said Bald Ben
A rocket hits the ground at Violin Man's feet, stopping him from continuing the energy blast, and knocking him off his feet. The source of the rocket, a helicopter, flies overhead, with the words "ALATOSH INDUSTRIES" printed on the side, a pair of ropes come from the doors of the helicopter, and Julian and Dog Lead Man rappel down. A few moment's later Slider begins to slide down one of the ropes as well, somehow sticking to the side of it, standing upright at a horizontal angle, and moonwalking down to the floor.
"We're here too!" shouted a voice behind them.
Bald Leon turns to see Gerkin and Bald Jack standing in the clearing, Gerkin armed with a combat knife, and Bald Jack with a pen.
"Where did you come from? and whats with the pen" asked Bald Leon
"Well Gerkin went to talk to the guys in London, and I spoke to Bald Ben. And I got the pen cause you know... the pen is mightier than the sword!" explained Bald Jack
"That is the single gayest thing that's ever been said on a battlefield... I'm glad you came back" said Bald Leon
"What's the plan then gentleman?" asked Julian
"If we separate the pebbles from the violin he can't use them. he's lost two already, time and desire. he's only left with the horny pebble, the gay pebble and the warrior pebble. Once we get them off of him, as long as we keep them away from him, he won't be able to take all of us." commanded Bald Leon
"Sound's like a good plan to me" Said Dog Lead Man
"Should someone say something? Like a battle cry? This would be the time that they'd do it in a film" asked Slider
"He's right... any ideas?" asked Gerkin
Bald Leon stepped up "I got one... Balds... Let's do him in!" he said softly before charging at Violin Man, who had got back on his feet.
"that was so shit" Said Bald Ben, before charging behind him
The rest of the team followed close behind, rushing towards Violin Man with whatever weapons they had drawn. Violin Man drew power from the warrior pebble and prepared himself. Bald Leon was without his blade, so he was forced to engage in hand to hand combat.
Violin Man allowed the pebble to command his movements, easily blocking every punch from Bald Leon and taking every opening to punch him back, knocking him out of his way. Bald Ben was next up, who he knew could take any and all punches, so he instead used his violin to play a tune that moved the very earth beneath Bald Ben, launching him into the air and down back into the cold waters of the river.
Dog Lead Man caught Violin Man by surprise, whipping him with his trusty dog lead, tangling up the violin and its strings, but Violin Man countered this by yanking Dog Lead Man off of his feet, pulling him towards Violin Man, before 'clothes lining' him, outstretching his arm and hitting his neck, winding him. Julian had drawn his bow as he ran and fired a series of arrows directly at Dog Lead Man, but poor coordination from Bald Jack had meant that Violin Man could easily deflect the arrows into Bald Jack's leg, knocking him down.
Slider and Gerkin had teamed up, with Slider using his powers to dodge all of Violin Man's attacks, as Gerkin clunge to his shoulder. As the duo got close Gerkin leapt from Slider's shoulder, knife drawn, aiming for Violin Man's face. unfortunately, Despite his combat prowess and tactical mind, Gerkin was still a small marsupial and was swatted away before he could get to Violin Man, smacking into a tree, winding him, and knocking him down for the count.
Bald Leon and Bald Ben both got back up and rushed Violin Man, fully synchronised to each others attack strategy. Violin Man attempted to play his Violin to blast Bald Ben again, but Bald Ben dived to the ground and rolled over so his belly was in the air. This gave Bald Leon the opportunity to jump onto Bald Ben like a bouncy castle, catapulting him into the air and catching Violin Man by surprise. Incidentally, it also made Bald Ben immediately throw up. Bald Leon came crashing down on Violin Man, disarming him temporarily. The two began to fight hand to hand, with Bald Leon gaining the upper hand on the de-powered violinist. Violin Man knew he couldn't beat Bald Leon without the forever pebbles, so he got in a well-placed kick to Bald Leon's stomach, temporarily stunning him, before he dived for his Violin, feeling a surge of power as he grasped it once again. Before Bald Leon could even get up again, Violin Man was once again stood over him preparing a killing blast, but before he could begin Violin Man was pelted on the back of his head with a quesadilla. Violin Man turned around, confused and with Mexican food dripping from his shampooed hair. At the top of the hill, he saw his next target, or rather his next targets. The Mexican Bald's had joined the battle.
"¡Vamos, el calvo mexicano Ben, vamos a por él!" shouted Mexican Bald Leon
Mexican Bald Ben turned to him, giving him a high five before shouting "¡hable español! Speako Englando!!!!" and rushing towards Violin Man
The Mexican Balds had the same level of synchronisation as Bald Leon and Bald Ben did, but with an entirely different and unique attack strategy, something Violin Man couldn't have prepared for. Mexican Bald Leon picked up his portly friend by his ankles and began to spin while still moving in the direction of Violin Man. He let go of Mexican Bald Ben's legs, firing him like an obese torpedo directly at Violin Man, barrelling into him without even slowing down and carrying him across the meadows with that same momentum.
"Mexican Bald Leon? You came to help?" asked Bald Leon
Mexican Bald Leon stood over Bald Leon, offering him a hand to help him up. "Sí. Te dije que estaríamos aquí cuando nos necesitaras amigo mío. ¡Ahora déjanos matar a este 'violinista' y conseguir un Mcdonalds después!"
"We really need to get you English lessons, but sure we can get tacos later or whatever you said, but help me kill Violin Man first okay?" replied Bald Leon
"Si"
The pair of Leon's rushed towards where Violin Man had landed. They found him fighting Mexican Bald Ben who was being helped by Dog Lead Man, Slider and Julian. Julian was taking every opening he saw to fire an arrow at Violin Man's Violin, hoping one of them by jam into the pebble housing's and knock it loose. Slider was attempting to be a distraction, dodging Violin Man's energy blasts by sliding out of the way. Mexican Bald Ben and Dog Lead Man were both using a mix of ranged attacks and up close jabs if there was a safe opening. The group attacks were beginning to overwhelm Violin Man, who couldn't think fast enough without the time pebble to properly counter them all.
"Eurika! That's it!" shouted Bald Leon
"What's it?" asked the new recovered Bald Ben
"If we all attack him at once, we can overwhelm him and get the pebbles easier, but with Gerkin missing and Bald Jack still crying about his knee, it's going to be hard..." explained Bald Leon
"If we need more hand's on deck, I may have just the thing, but we will need to hold him for 4 minutes," said Julian. He took out his phone and pressed a few buttons. Mexican Bald Leon, Bald Leon and Bald Ben join the fight rushing Violin Man and knocking him off of his feet, angering him further.
"ENOUGH" he screamed as he slammed the strings of the violin, creating a shockwave and knocking everyone back.
Slider was the first back on his feet and he began to slide around the charred battlefield attempting to aid as many of his allies as he could, helping up the most injured first. As he did that, Bald Leon got back on his feet and used his super-speed to rush into Violin Man grabbing at the Violin. Violin Man uses his free hand to punch Bald Leon as hard as can in the face, repeatedly, cutting his cheek and causing his nose to bleed. Bald Leon powered through the pain, something that was typically foreign to him, full of pure anger and determination to separate the pebbles from the Violin. He manages to grab the horny pebble gripping it with all his strength and pulling on it with all of his strength, even as the power of the pebble began to consume him. All of a sudden the pebble split free from the wood of the Violin, splintering everyone, and letting off an energy shockwave.
As the dust settled Bald Leon had only one thought "God I could really go for a wank right now". But there was no time for that. He ignored the influence of the horny pebble, and the power it offered, using all of his strength to crush it with his bare hands.
Violin Man also rose, just in time to see Bald Leon destroy the pebble.
"Oh, so that's your play? take all the pebbles? well, I’d like to see you try. even with one of these, I’m the most dangerous man on the planet. and I got two. Bring it on" boasted Violin Man.
Before Bald Leon could even begin to approach Violin Man, a 5 foot wide and 25-foot long steel rod slammed into the ground, presumably from lower orbit. The shockwave knocked Violin Man down once again, and a further 7 rods all slammed the ground close by. Painted on the side of every one of them was the words "ALATOSH INDUSTRIES".
"HERE'S THAT BACKUP I MENTIONED" shouted Julian
The sides of the capsules slid open revealing inside top of the line security humanoid security drones, with 10 of them squished into each of the capsules, giving Julian a small army of robots to attack Violin Man with. Everyone else joined the ranks of the 70 robots. ready to face off against Violin Man.
"Charge!" shouted Julian.
All of his robots began to sprint in unison, tactfully running along the terrain, but Violin Man was using his Violin to blast into the crowd, destroying robots left and right. Slider made a lunge for the Violin, but Violin Man knew the plan now and wasn't playing fair, keeping the Violin and the pebbles within as far away from his adversaries as possible, and twatting Slider with the violin, knocking him to the back of the oncoming forces. Unfortunately for Violin Man, there were simply too many robots for him to destroy, at range, forcing him to fight them up close using the violin and his hands, smashing them left and right by channelling the power of the warrior pebble. Mexican Bald Ben was amongst the robots and was treated no differently by Violin Man, who smashed him across the head with his violin, knocking him out instantly. Julian and Dog Lead Man both tried to use their signature weapons at range, but the overwhelming robot forces made it difficult to get a clean shot without accidentally committing friendly fire.
Bald Leon helped Slider up and had an idea. Slider used his sliding powers while Bald Leon pushed him along with his super-speed, reaching new speeds he had never been able to reach, and creating enough momentum to catch Violin Man completely off guard as they collided into him, leaving Bald Ben an opening to grab the Violin and rip out another pebble.
Bald Ben grabbed the gay pebble, and as it was ripped from the Violin, it created yet another shockwave of energy. Unfortunately for Bald Ben, he was a homophobe, and the power of the Gay pebble simply turns the user into how they view a gay person. As he lay on the ground knocked down from the shockwave, clutching the forever pebble, he began to feel his body change. His goatee dropped off, and he felt blonde hair begin to grow through his scalp. He began to scream, and as he did his voice changed from his usual gruff smokers voice, to a flamboyant, overly-camp sing-song tune.
"What's a Bald got to do to get some penis around here? Man I love Penis" he said to himself, his transformation complete.
"Why didn't it make you look like that?" Bald Leon asked Violin Man, so stunned he forget that they were in a battle.
"I... I umm. I'm not sure. I guess I just view homosexuals as normal people like most people do. I am from a progressive future after all" replied Violin Man, also stunned by Bald Ben's transformation into Gay Bald Ben.
Before they could continue the talk, Julian fired an arrow into Violin Man's shoulder, causing him to scream in pain, and continue his attack.
"One pebble left boys" shouted a wounded Bald Jack, still clutching his knee.
Violin Man was down to the last few robots, having smashed, ripped and blasted the rest of them away. He still had one of the strongest pebbles left, the warrior pebble, and he wasn't going to give it up without a fight.
Dog Lead Man picked up one of the guns that the robots had been using and began to blast at Violin Man, Slider saw this and did the same, attacking him from multiple angles in quick succession as he slid around his target. Julian continued to use his bow and arrow, but Violin Man was using his violin to channel the warrior pebble defensively, blocking all of the incoming bullets and dodging Julian's arrows. Bald Leon, Bald Ben and the Mexican Bald's all prepared for another rush at Violin Man to get the final pebble. All four of them ran together, using Bald Ben's strategy from earlier. As the two Bald Ben's slid along the ground and the two Bald Leon's lept into the air to bounce on their friends, the regular Bald Leon was caught by surprise as Mexican Bald Leon knocked him out of the way before he could land on Gay Bald Ben.
"Mexican Bald Leon What the Fuck! Why did you do that?" shouted Bald Leon as Mexican Bald Leon bounced on Mexican Bald Ben and flew through the air.
"It is ok senor. This is why I am here" said Mexican Bald Leon before closing his eyes.
Bald Leon looked on confused, but then he realised what Mexican Bald Leon meant. Violin Man turned to see the approaching enemy, and he turned to meet this enemy with his violin, but Mexican Bald Leon knew what he was doing. The Violin did not swat Mexican Bald Leon away as Violin Man intended, instead it pierced his chest, pushing through his ribs. killing him.
"NoooooooOOOoooOOOOOO!" screamed Mexican Bald Ben.
the weight of the body was too much for Violin Man's cherished instrument to bear, the wood of the violin cracked and snapped in half, making it inoperable.
"What have you done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?!" shouted a now powerless Violin Man. Before he could even attempt to fight anyone else or grab a forever pebble, Slider slid up to him and punched him across the face, knocking him out.
"He saved me," said Bald Leon softly
"Damn I need a man like that!" said Gay Bald Ben
Bald Leon simply looked at his friend, knowing he had to change him back before he offended anyone else with this abhorrent stereotypical display. Mexican Bald Ben ran to Mexican Bald Leon, cradling his friend.
"We won" said Julian
"But at what cost?" asked Slider.
"Wait... Where's Gerkin?" asked Bald Jack.
Everyone looked around panicking, calling out for there friend.
"Guys. He's here!" shouted Dog Lead Man, lifting up the frail and limp finger monkey.
"No Gerkin Not you too!" shouted Bald Jack
They all crowded around the weak and dying primate as he spoke.
He lifted his head and spoke weakly "It is ok my friends... The Master.... The Master has made it so that I will live forever.... But.... But I will be lost... Confused for a while.... It's his gift to me..." said Gerkin, while coughing up blood
"What do you mean Gerkin" asked Bald Leon softly, doing everything he could to hold back a tear.
"The Master… He lets me live as a... normal Monkey for a while.... before I get my memories back… Being a sentient monkey..... haha..... it's... exhausting... but don't.... don't worry… I will see you ALL again...." Gerkin struggled to say
"No Gerkin don't go!" said Bald Ben, breaking through the Gay Bald Ben persona.
"I'm sorry friends... It's my time. see you... see you in.... in the......"
His body went completely limp as a final breath escaped his body.
Dog Lead Man set his tiny body down and everyone paid their respects to him and to Mexican Bald Leon.
"Well at least I killed two of you FUCKERS" said a now conscious Violin Man.
"You! You're gonna regret this!" said Bald Leon
"Bring it on you Bald fuck" replied Violin Man
The two powerhouses rushed into each other, prepared for their final showdown.
"For Gerkin!" shouted Bald Leon as he ran at Violin Man alone.
CHAPTER 20: THE VIOLIN SWAN SONG
Bald Leon tackled Violin Man into the river, carrying both of them off with the tide, as they both struggled to stay above the surface of the rapidly flowing water, they also both kept trying to kill each other. Violin Man was without his signature instrument, making combat harder for him, but Bald Leon had never swum before so he too was struggling. Violin Man paddled over to Bald Leon and began trying to pull him under the water to drown him, but Bald Leon grabbed him back and tried to do the same. Violin Man gained the upper hand, forcing Bald Leon under the water, but the river carried them into the white water rapids, throwing them around and making Violin Man lose his grip.
Bald Leon surfaced for air, unable to see Violin Man anywhere, he slowly paddled over to the shore, but as he reached the river bank he felt an arm grab his leg. Violin Man pulled on Bald Leon's body, forcing him back into the water before climbing over Bald Leon to get onto the river bank himself. Once he rolled out of the water he grabbed Bald Leon by his collar, turned him around and forced his head under the water, attempting to drown him once again. Between the white water rapids, Violin Man forcing his head underwater and the fact he had never learned how to swim, Bald Leon was at a serious and deadly disadvantage. As he struggled for air, he began to feel a strange sense of bliss and euphoria, as he felt his eyes roll back in his head and his breathe getting slower. The second before he lost consciousness, Bald Leon saw two large splashes next to him and felt Violin Man's grip on him disappear. He looked to his left and saw a large tree branch, and Violin Man himself, unconscious and bleeding from the head, sinking to the bottom and being carried away by the tide. Bald Leon closed his eyes as he lost consciousness, feeling someone tugging on his shoulders.
When he opened his eyes again, he was home. His real home in caveman times. He looked around his cave house and saw all his cherished possessions he thought had been lost to time, His "inventing station" where he created devices for his own enjoyment, the first fridge to ever exist, stocked full of mammoth steaks and dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. It was so peaceful and quiet. He looked out of the kitchen window that he had carved into his cave and saw the lush green pastures of his hometime. He sat on his rock couch and relaxed, releasing the deepest, most relieved sigh he ever had. He realised now that he had never been to the 21st century after being frozen in ice, he remembered now that he had been pulled from the river by his friend. His best friend in the whole world, Ugg-bugg.
There was a knock at the door, Bald Leon remembered that he had invited Ugg-bugg to come for dinner because he saved him. He opened the door and there stood The Master.
"This can be your life again if you wish"
"What?"
"You don't have to go back to reality, you can be happy here, in caveman times"
"I am in caveman times. What are you talking about"
"if you refuse to reject the illusion then it will become your reality, that won't inherently be a bad thing, but it would be your new reality. there would be no going back"
"This... This is my reality. with my friend Ugg-Bugg and my inventions and my mammoth steaks and my other friend Bald be- Bald Ben... He isn't here. Neither is Slider. Or Gerkin"
"No. They have to remain in their own time and reality, but here you can start afresh, a new timeline, a safe timeline with no apocalypse and no violin man"
"and no Bald Ben"
"that is the trade-off, yes. You will have never met Bald Ben. Although there has never been a guarantee that meeting him would cause baldageddon, in every reality and timeline where you two never meet, it is certain that the timeline is safe, and never in flux"
"so there was never a guarantee me and bald ben would end the world? Violin Man never had to be sent back in time"
"correct. the timeline he was sent from was one where the apocalypse had taken place, but even by sending him back in the first place, the specific timeline he was sent from was erased, that apocalypse never occurred, but it doesn't mean that another one cannot take its place"
"that may be true, maybe I should stay in this time"
"I believe it may be for the best"
"yeah.... yeah..."
"I'm glad you've made your choice"
"No."
"I'm sorry?"
"No. I reject this reality. if there's even a 1 percent chance me and Bald Ben won't end the world I want to take the chance. Cant shape the future if I'm not there for it. besides, irn bru won't be invented for a few thousand years yet and I already want one now"
"you'd be throwing away a life that would certainly be happy for you. All your old friends back, no taxes, everything you've ever built brought back to you"
"what's the point of having my old friends if it will be that I've never met my new ones?"
"so be it"
The master faded away, and as he did Bald Leon could see that the horizon was getting closer, as it too was fading away. He took one last look at his old cave house, content with his decision. He looked out the window and saw a familiar face. Ugg-bugg walking down the road towards Bald Leon's house. Ugg-bugg saw Bald Leon looking and raised his hand to wave. Bald Leon waved back, taking one last look at his long lost friend as the incoming horizon consumed him, painlessly. Bald Leon's cave faded away, leaving him in a black void, floating. floating in the nothing of a dead reality.
then...
There was a speck...
the speck grew larger and larger, filling the void with light, and began to form the shape of Bald Leons own closed eyelids. He opened his eyes to the 21st century, and stood over him staring was Bald Ben.
"You didn't give me mouth to mouth did you?" asked Bald Leon
"No that would be well gay haha" replied Bald Ben
"The gay pebble wore off then?" asked Bald Leon
"Yeah. Did you see me twat Violin Man with that log? I hit him dead hard he's gotta be dead. this washed-up though" said Bald Ben before holding up Violin Man's damaged Violin.
Bald Leon paused, staring at the rushing water before looking at Bald Ben and saying words he very rarely said.
"thank you, Bald Ben"
"what for Bald Leon?"
"saving me, and coming back, and helping with Violin Man"
"Well, what are friends for? Come on, let's go find the others, and we should probably take Bald Jack to the hospital"
The pair walked back to the meadows battlefield and found Alatosh industries operatives clearing up the battleground and the debris from the fight. A blanket had been put over the body of Mexican Bald Leon, but Mexican Bald Ben was nowhere to be seen. Bald Leon and Bald Ben found the group stood around the back of an ambulance that Bald Jack was inside of, having his leg tended too. Julian was the first to ask the question on everyone's mind.
"did you get him?" he asked
"Yeah, Bald Ben twatted him with a log and he fell in the river unconscious, so he must have drowned" explained Bald Leon
"Nice one, I'd have loved to have seen him go down haha," said Slider
Julian clapped his hands together "well I believe that concludes our business up here, thank you for your help with eliminating that threat Bald Leon In fact, thank you all. Alatosh industries will seize all debris for research and development and ensure that none of your names are connected to this incident on official police records, you don't want that heat. Come on Dog Lead Man, let's go back to London, Slider, we will give you a lift. In fact, id like to talk to you about a job opportunity..." The trio walked away towards an Alatosh industries helicopter.
Bald Leon, Bald Ben and Bald Jack all rode off together to the hospital. discussing what to do next.
"Gerkin said he would remember us, so we should try and find out if there's a way to work out where he will be when he gets his memories back. and what do we do with this?" asked Bald Ben, holding up the damaged and powerless Violin.
"We're going to use it to send a message" explained Bald Leon
Some time passed, and the Bald Trio walked up a hill together. They had found a headstone and had attached the Violin to it.
"Did you decide what to write on it?" asked Bald Jack
"Yep," said Bald Ben, before bending over and scratching at the stone with a penknife.
On the rock he wrote:
In memory of Violin Man
A worthy adversary
Slayer of friends
Slayer of allies
Slayer of Family
Let his demise be a message to any who would attempt to harm that family
"Yeah that'll do it," said Bald Leon
The trio sat down on the grass, staring down at the town below. Bald Ben asked a question.
"shall we go and get a tin of coke to share?"
"yeah go on" replied Bald Leon
And so they did.
They walked off towards the sunset in hunt of a corner shop.
Walking off to their next adventure.
The End.
Epilogue
The first Balds book was started many years ago, and over time it evolved from an offensive for the sake of offensive story that was almost a parody, to its own tale of adventure, action and discovery. This story has helped us to develop the Balds characters and each of their unique personalities from one-dimensional memes who only exist as placeholders for stereotypes, to complex characters with varied personas with different skills, beliefs and aspirations. This story has allowed us to change the scale of the story of the balds as a whole, beyond this one book, allowing us to create a universe of interconnected characters and stories across multiple media.
This will not be the only balds book. A sequel is planned that will take us further into the future of the balds timeline, but the story of the balds will also be further explored on other platforms, such as the upcoming game and other videos and movies.
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