THE MAGNIFICENT TALE OF THE BALDS
CHAPTER 8: MAROONED
Bald Leon lay face down with a mouthful of sand. He had just fallen from a mile high and slammed into the ground at terminal velocity and was left with nothing but a stubbed big toe. He sat up and spat out the sand he nearly swallowed and began to survey his surroundings. There was nothing but ocean for as far as the eye could see, apart from the small sandy spot that he had landed on, The island was mostly barren, only 3 tree's for shade and a few large rocks. As Bald Leon continued to observe his surroundings he felt a presence with him. He turned around and The Master had appeared.
"Yalright?" said The Master “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? haha. Just a little plane crash joke for you there”
"Where am I and who are you?" asked the confused and slightly delirious Bald Leon.
"You're on an island obviously, thought you were the smartest person in the world? I decided that you need to know a few things. Now I can tell that you are after Violin Man, and that's a little bit my fault, see I sent him back in time to stop you and Bald Ben from destroying the world, but for some reason, he interpreted that as killing you, and I can't be having that, but because of his action's the timeline has changed, and now HE is the one who will destroy the world unless he is stopped. You want to kill him don't you" said The Master.
"I do, he killed Rahabbi, so that fuckers gonna die. But you didn't answer my question. Who are you?" asked Bald Leon.
The Master paused, deciding whether to answer the question
"I am your father, The Master".
"Dad! My brain told me so much about you! Everything except how you look!" Bald Leon shouted, before running up to hug him.
The master floated several feet into the air to prevent this, as he was frankly repulsed by Bald Leon.
"Yeah well I am, Oh and by the way you're on one of the North Sentinel Islands, I'd get out of there" shouted The Master from the sky, disappearing from view.
Bald Leon began to walk along the beach, trying to work out which direction Bangladesh was in. when all of a sudden a spear hit the ground next to his feet. He looked in the direction that the spear came from and saw a small fleet of wooden boats coming towards him and landing on the beach, with lots of tribesmen getting out. He looked towards them feeling cocky.
"Ha nice weapons, but you don't wanna be a victim of my whirlwind sprint" boasted Bald Leon.
He ran behind the growing army in the blink of an eye, disorienting them.
"Too slow," he said in a cocky attitude, just as some of them worked out where he had run too. Bald Leon began to run again. he circled the group, getting faster and faster, using his superhuman speed to create a mini-tornado. The men in the middle began to be sucked into the whirlwind, and those who had not yet been blown away began to throw their spears wildly, hoping to hit bald Leon by sheer chance, as there was no way to aim at him at the speed he was going. One of the youngest tribesmen was terrified, gripping his spear for dear life. He felt the sand scorch his skin and then watched as his friend was carried up into the air. He regained focus and gripped his spear, and tossed it straight in front of him. by luck alone, the spear pierced Bald Leon's legs, ending the tornado and making Bald Leon fall to the ground, wood sticking through his leg.
"Ah oof ouch," said Bald Leon in pain.
He snapped the spear, still in his leg, and then pulled the two halves out, throwing them at the tribe. Bald Leon looked at the damage he had caused, there were still so many of the tribe left, and they had brought out their bows and arrows. Bald Leon tried to run away, but because of his wounded leg, he was slower than the average walking pace. he was quickly surrounded, and the tribe pointed their weapons at him. Bald Leon was left his one plan left.
"LOOK BEHIND YOU" he shouted and pointed behind them.
The whole tribe look where Bald Leon was pointing, and of course, didn't see anything. When they looked back to where Bald Leon was, he was gone. They all charged up the beach in the direction Bald Leon must have gone. When they had all run away, Bald Leon crawled out from by the rocks that he had first seen. He then took one of the boats they had arrived on and sailed in the direction they had come from, he eventually found the largest North Sentinal Island. He decided his best move, for now, would be to get inland where he could hide amongst the trees and tall grass in the forest, so he stumbled in that direction looking for shelter, travelling for what seemed like miles. Eventually, he found a deep dark cave and decided that it would be his shelter for the night. He entered the cave and discovered the walls were lined with bats, so he carefully and quietly went further into the cave, to see how deep it actually went. As he got deeper and deeper into the cave, he eventually found a huge underground area that was much more open than the tight tunnels. there was a small hole at the top of this area, letting light come through, and rain drip into a puddle at the bottom. The cave was silent apart from Bald Leon's deep breathing, but then a mysterious high pitched voice could be heard.
"Yo"
"Who goes there!" Shouted Bald Leon.
"it's no coincidence that you're here. It's destiny. Come. Closer." beckoned the mysterious voice.
Bald Leon wandered further into the cave. closer to the voice. he rounded a corner and then he saw it. A shiny rock, glowing with its energy. no! not a rock. a pebble.
"The Gay Pebble?" asked Bald Leon.
"That's right. That thunderstorm that made the plane crash was no accident. The Master needed you to have this" explained the mysterious voice.
"Show yourself" Demanded Bald Leon
"If you wish". Replied the voice.
There was a puff of purple smoke, and a tiny primate appeared next to the forever pebble.
"No way! you're a little finger monkey! You got a name?" asked Bald Leon in disbelief.
“I'm a fucking monkey in the wild why would I have a name?” replied the monkey
“Can I call you Gerkin?” asks Bald Leon
"Gerkin or Gherkin? It sounds like you're spelling it wrong" enquired the Monkey.
"I don't know what spelling is, so I guess Gerkin without the H, less letter" Replied Bald Leon.
"fine by me" Replied Gerkin "Now grab the pebble and let's get out of here"
Bald Leon grabbed a hold of the pebble and Gerkin ran up onto his shoulder. They walked out of the cave and were spotted by a young warrior from the tribe, he drew his knife prepared to kill the invader, but as Bald Leon grew closer and grew larger and larger, the boy began to shake with fear before dropping his weapon and freezing in pure terror.
"Let's just go, he won't bother us if we leave him" Gerkin advised.
Bald Leon stood, staring down on the boy, shaking in fear and clearly in no state to battle such a titan. Bald Leon was calculating what to do with the boy. He was still very annoyed that one of the tribesmen had injured his leg, but then again Bald Leon was technically an outsider invading their land. He leaned forward to be at eye level with the boy and began to clear his throat. Bald Leon then coughed straight into the boy's face, covering him in spit.
"I'm glad you didn't hurt him, but what's a cough gonna do?" Questions Gerkin.
"hehehehe, not only have they not been in contact with the rest of humanity meaning they don't have an immunity to any of the rest of humanities illnesses, but my body still has loads of caveman viruses in it. They should all have been wiped out by the end of the week due to a mix of the common cold, and what we in caveman times called 'ugg ugg sniffles'. pretty good eh?" bragged Bald Leon.
"WHY? THEY WERE JUST SCARED OF YOU!" Shouted Gerkin
"Nah fuck them. My legs still stinging so they deserve it. Besides, you're just a finger monkey given consciousness to protect a pebble so shut the fuck up unless it's some juicy information" Bald Leon replied.
Gerkin was shocked at Bald Leon's complete lack of empathy, but he did have some more information to dispense "Well I'm not just the pebbles protector by the way. The Master tasked me with being your sidekick too"
"Well then as my sidekick, shut the fuck up and let's get to work on getting off this shithole island. My legs still fucked so I can't just run along the water, we're gonna have to get creative with getting out of here” Explained Bald Leon.
The pair first tried using some of the tribe's canoes and wooden barges, The tribe tried to prevent Gerkin and Bald Leon from stealing them, but the pair were able to defeat all of the warriors who faced them with ease, and each time they faced them, the warrior's numbers decreased because of the rapidly spreading disease. Eventually, there were no warriors left to fight them, so they took the boats with ease. However, these boats could not stay afloat when they got out into the strong ocean currents. So Gerkin and Bald Leon came up with a new plan. they began to cut down trees and pull off the leaves and strip the bark from the trunks. They used these supplies and the remaining boats, combining them into a larger and more stable craft. Gerkin and Bald Leon marvelled at their work.
“I dub thee, the HMS Bald” Bald Leon proclaimed, in awe of his own creation.
“Shit name,” remarked Gerkin.
They pushed the craft out to sea and began to paddle it out towards the ocean. They reached the mouth of the bay, tickling the edge of the ocean. The very first ocean wave to hit the boat destroyed it instantly. The pair began to swim back to sure, with Gerkin becoming uneasy when he spotted a pod of sharks in the distance, but they were too far at that moment to be a threat. They reached the now deserted shore and decided to take a moment to assess their situation. Bald Leon's leg was not healing and it had now become infected, and if they ventured out to see again, it may attract the sharks to come closer, and Gerkin was convinced that sharks loved to eat finger monkeys. Bald Leon was bored of playing with boats, so decided to play on his phone. miraculously, his phone not only still had a charge but a signal.
"How do you have a phone signal" questioned Gerkin
"Basically I was with Sky mobile, but like their wifi, the phone signal is really shit and it was cheaper for me to build my own satellite and launch it into space and have it track me at all times wherever I am on the planet than to pay the cancellation fee on my sky contract". Says Bald Leon.
"You can build your own mobile service provider but you can't build a wooden raft?" asked a confused Gerkin.
"I'm not the woodworking type" explained Bald Leon
"Right... well just call emergency services they will send a rescue and hurry up your only on 1%" Begged Gerkin
Bald Leon pressed the buttons on his phone and it began to ring. after what seemed like an eternity, the phone was finally answered.
"Alright Bald Leon" answered Bald Ben.
"Alright Bald Ben. where'd you end up in the crash haha" Asked Bald Leon
"after you flew out the back the plane kept flying a bit longer, we crashed in the water just outside Bangladesh, Oh and guess what? I got a strawberry ice cream cause I was so brave in the crash" Replied Bald Ben whilst licking his ice cream
"Where are you know?" asks Bald Leon.
"Dulak, I walked all the way to north Bangladesh to find Violin Man for you, and it turns out he went home a week before we even set off to the airport. We may as well have stayed in Chester haha" Bald Ben chuckled.
"Typical haha. Well, message Violin Man on Facebook calling him out and fight him in Chester for me. I'm stuck marooned on North Sentinel Island at the moment. been here a few months, but I'm calling emergency services after this" explained Bald Leon.
"CALL THE EMERGENCY SERVICES" shouted Gerkin.
"Geez Louise calm down, Ok Bald Ben I have to go, my new friend, Gerkin is saying I have to call for rescue for us," says Bald Leon
Bald Leon hung up the phone and began to type in 9-9-9. Before he could even press the second 9 his phone ran out of battery and shut down. Gerkin was furious with Bald Leon, calling him a moron and an imbecile, but Bald Leon had a perfectly reasonable explanation for why he had to call Bald Ben first. "Friends come first, I needed to ask how his holiday was going"
The pair recognised they wouldn't get anywhere by being at each other's throats, so they decided to call it a day and set up camp for the night, tying a large leaf each to two trees creating a hammock each. They both lay down and went to bed for the night. However, at 3AM Bald Leon jerked awake, having an epiphany.
"Gerkin!" whispered Bald Leon.
Gerkin stirred and woke up, then leaned up from his hammock to see Bald Leon.
"What's wrong?" asked Gerkin.
"I worked out how to make electricity here”
"I can make a dynamo from some of the wreckage from the plane that washed ashore, and if I combine that with some wood and twine, I can make a box with a handle that if I spin for..... say 8 hours, it'll charge my phone enough for it to turn on," said Bald Leon.
"Th- that's amazing," said Gerkin, genuinely impressed by Bald Leon's intellect.
Bald Leon assembled the device and set it down on a rock. The two took shifts spinning the handle of the box. It took all night and well into the next day but the light of Bald Leon's phone screen eventually lit up their faces.
"Eureka!" Shouted Gerkin.
Earlier that day in Dulak, Bald Ben was having the time of his life. He was on a pub crawl, going bar to bar, drinking them dry and filling his face, and running away before paying off his tab. Eventually, Bald Ben found himself wandering out of town, and ended up at a graveyard. He stumbled across Rahabbi's grave and decided that it was the perfect shooting location to challenge Violin Man.
"Hey Violin Man! Me and Bald Leon want to avenge this bloke here!" He said, pointing at the gravestone, "If you're not a big pussy boy, you'll meet me for a scrap" Bald Ben pressed the stop record button and sent the video to Violin Man's personal Facebook account. Within a few seconds, Bald Ben received a reply from Violin Man accepting the challenge. Bald Ben put his phone back in his pocket and decided that it was time for him to go to bed. He found Rahabbi's house and looked at the "for sale" sign outside.
"Nobody lives here now haha. guess I can sleep in it".
Bald Ben threw a brick through the window of the house and climbed through. he went upstairs and put on some of Rahabbi's Pyjamas and got into his bed. Bald Ben cuddled up to Rahabbi's teddy bear and drifted off to sleep. He dreamed his usual soothing dream, the one where the president went crazy and fired all the nukes. Bald Ben slept incredibly well, and when he woke up he yawned and stretched as he listened to the birds tweeting outside.
There was a loud thud, and Violin man smashed his way into the house through the roof. Before Bald Ben could even react Violin Man grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and threw him through the wall. Violin Man jumped through the hole that Bald Ben had made, and took out his Violin and smacked Bald Ben on the side of his head, hitting him so hard he flew across the sky into the local town centre. Bald Ben's large body had landed in a crowd, the shockwave created by his colossal mass had killed some and injured many. Bald Ben got back on his feet just in time to see Violin Man flying towards him, riding his Violin like a hoverboard at high speed. He collided with Bald Ben, knocking him into and through several of the poorly constructed houses. Violin Man then started playing his Violin, firing energy blasts nearly aimlessly in Bald Ben's general direction, causing yet more property damage. Bald Ben emerged from the rubble, Rahabbi's pyjamas in tatters revealing the clothes he had on the day before. Violin Man was now able to target him directly, firing sonic blasts straight into Bald Ben, but due to Bald Ben's weight, he was able to absorb all of the energy, doing nothing but forcing out a burp. This angered Bald Ben, and he charged towards Violin Man, punching him across the jaw, but to Bald Ben’s shock, Violin Man didn't even flinch.
"Nobody can take the power of my punches, how did you do that" demanded a shocked Bald Ben.
"I'm becoming more powerful than any Bald. I'm gonna kill you, then Bald Leon and any other Bald who gets in my way. Hell, I'll even kill the master!" Violin Man shouted.
He grabbed Bald Ben by the neck and pulled him into a headlock. He then started giving him a nuggie on the top of his Bald Head, making his head wrinkle back and forth with the friction. Violin Man began to laugh at and taunt Bald Ben.
"Who wears Hawaiian shirts in Bangladesh” Violin Man taunts “you're not in Hawaii hahaha you should wear all leather, like me. then maybe I wouldn't kill you as painfully"
The nuggie started to take the skin off of Bald Ben’s scalp, however, Bald Ben was getting even angrier from the bullying of his choice of clothes.
"NOBODY, AND I MEAN NOBODY, MAKES FUN OF MY FASHION CHOICES!" He screamed. He broke free of the headlock and punched Violin man in the chest causing him to stagger backwards, winded.
Violin Man bashed Bald Ben on the head with the Violin causing him to fall backwards, and letting Violin Man start to play fast, sudden notes on his violin, sending deadly lightning bolts at bald Ben. One of the bolts hit a metal railing and travelled along it onto a nearby pylon. The sudden spike in electricity travelled across the towns entire electrical grid, blowing up all of the power terminals, and starting a chain reaction that started fires all over the town made up of mostly wood and thatch. to make matters worse, one of the sparks had landed on Bald Ben and ignited his cheap nylon Hawaiian shirt, burning it off of him instantly. Bald Ben knew he couldn't win this battle and quickly retreated in all of the commotions. Violin Man lost sight of Bald Ben and decided he should get out of there too before the army turned up, even if he could defeat them, it would get messy and cost him a lot of time, so he dropped his violin to the ground, stood on it, and hovered away.
Back on the island, Bald Leon and Gerkin had given the phone enough power to last them a while. They were both starting to get hungry as they had eaten most of the islands food reserves.
“Now that the phone is charged we can finally call for help!” Cheered Gerkin.
Gerkin peered onto Bald Leon's screen, waiting for him to dial for the emergency services, but saw that he was actually on the Deliveroo app looking at the McDonalds menu.
"What are you doing?" Shouted Gerkin.
"I'm hungry. plus if it gets on the news that I needed help getting off of an abandoned desert island I'd be well embarrassed, I mean anyone can get off of these if Tom Hanks can. No, I won't be ringing for emergency services" explained Bald Leon.
"Even if that whole reason wasn't completely insane, you can't even get an English delivery service to come here, we're on the other side of the planet" Gerkin Countered.
"I used my VPN to say that I'm back home and then just put in the delivery notes that I want it delivered here, and if they don't do it I'm leaving a one-star review," Bald Leon said, impressing even himself with his genius plan.
“You actually think one of the couriers will accept that order,” asked Gerkin.
The phone suddenly pings announcing that a courier had accepted the order and the food is on its way. The app showed who had been crazy or ignorant enough to accept the order. The courier's name was Bald Ollie. The pair watched the screen intently, trying to anticipate what route he would take to get from the northwest of England to North Sentinal Islands, but for 10 whole minutes, the courier didn't move an inch, stood on a random road as if he had stage fright and was afraid to move. After staring for a while, by complete chance, the pair blinked at the same time, and the courier instantly moved from where he was to a McDonald's location. The pair decided that the app might be lagging, so they might as well do some other work while they waited. Gerkin went back to turning the crank charging the phone, and Bald Leon went back to organising his new rock collection. within a minute the app pinged again. They thought that the courier must have cancelled the order, but when they looked at the screen it indicated that the driver had arrived at his destination, and was somehow standing on the other side of the island. They walked to the beach and found Bald Ollie standing there holding out both of his hands, one holding the bag of McDonald's, and the other holding out his open palm, expecting a tip. Gerkin realised that Bald Ollie was standing inhumanely still and it was impossible to tell if he was even breathing. Bald Leon tried to take the bag from Bald Ollie's hand, but his vice-like grip made that impossible. Bald Leon took out a knife and cut the bottom of the bag, causing the food to drop on the floor. He and Gerkin immediately devoured the fried food and then stared at this statue of a man. They did everything they could to make him move. They tried shoving him, they tried making him laugh, they tried digging underneath him and all that did was make him sink into the sand. They eventually gave up, taking one last look at the Bald with his hand stretched out expecting a tip, they walked away from him and saw that he had got to the beach using a pedalo. They climbed aboard and began to sail out to sea. As they got a significant distance from the island, Gerkin turned back and could see that Bald Ollie had turned around to face them, and now had just the one hand stretched out expecting a tip
Gerkin turned back around as he and Bald Leon sailed back to the mainland...
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