THE MAGNIFICENT TALE OF THE BALDS
CHAPTER 7: THE MAN FROM DULAK
Much time passed and Violin Man began to regain his strength after coming out of the hospital. The Balds however did not share Violin Man's desire for self-improvement and had spent a lot of their time watching TV and getting up to more mischief. They were responsible for an uncountable amount of petty crimes and had done untold damage to the global economy, but there was one place that was not feeling the effects of the Bald's economic and environmental rampage.
In a small Bangladeshi slum named “Dulak”, the villagers were cheering for their favourite warrior: Rahabbi Alatosh. Rahabbi was the towns warrior and also their chief source of income, as warriors far and wide would come to the illegal gladiator ring he had created to do battle with him, all of which was streamed onto the dark web for people to pay to watch. He had earned thousands for his village, creating crucial infrastructure, and saving lives. Rahabbi did not know it, but he was actually the greatest swordsman in his time, far outclassing any living opponent and many more dead ones. If he had taken the opportunity, he could have become an Olympic fencer, however, he declined this offer as the gladiatorial ring was far more profitable.
Rahabbi was engaged in his latest fight, against a disgraced fencing athlete who fancied their luck in Rahabbis world. They were wrong to assume they had a chance. Rahabbi had bet that he would take down the opponent by the fourth round, in truth, he could have cut this person in half in round one, but Rahabbi earned more money if he prolonged the fights. His opponent was getting tired, leaving easy openings for Rahabbi to strike, and he was merciless. Rahabbi baited his opponent into going for an easy blow to his chest, and the athlete took the bait hook line and sinker. In the opening he had created, Rahabbi got behind his opponent and sliced their leg open, forcing them to fall to the ground.
“Surrender” Demanded Rahabbi.
“Never!” countered his opponent "What have I to live for anyway?"
"So be it" stated Rahabbi
with a lightning-fast swing, Rahabbi decapitated his opponent in the most merciful and quick way he could. After honouring his opponent, he turned to the crowd and put on his showmanship attitude.
The crowd cheered for the charismatic Rahabbi and he shouted to the crowd "IS THERE NOBODY WHO CAN DEFEAT ME!".
"I will" responded a voice.
Rahabbi turned to the source of the reply, it was a man wearing a black cloak
"I'm sure you can't fight wearing that my friend!" Rahabbi shouted heartily, causing the crowd to laugh
The man unclasped his cloak, allowing it to drop to the floor, revealing the hardened warrior underneath, armed with nothing but his fists, his wits, and a purple Violin.
Rahabbi was taken aback when he realised who had come to face him.
"It's you, isn't it? Violin Man?" asked Rahabbi.
“You're a hard man to find, Rahabbi Alatosh” answered Violin man "I'm sure you may have heard, I've got into rock collecting recently, and word is, you have a rather lovely Warrior Pebble that I'd just love to take off your hands"
"I'm afraid it's not for sale my friend" responded Rahabbi
"Then I guess I'll have to TAKE OFF your hands" replied Violin Man
He quickly pulled his violin from its custom holster, and whilst holding it he flicked his wrist, which caused a sharp razor edge to emerge from the fingerboard, and he lurched towards Rahabbi, forcing him onto the defensive. Rahabbi quickly recovers and puts some distance between himself and Violin Man, allowing Rahabbi to leap high into the air and slams his sword into Violin Man's instrument, locking the two bladed edges together
"They say you spoke with God himself, you befriended him yet you know about my special pebble. I guess that makes you worthy to battle me, and with the help of god you will have a chance of winning” Rahabbi spoke
“There is no god” Muttered Violin man in response.
Violin Man shoves his weight into Rahabbi, forcing him back and as Rahabbi rushes Violin Man again, Violin Man taps into the power of the time pebble, making Rahabbi's moves appear slow to Violin Man, letting him dodge every single rapid sword swipe with ease.
"The way you fight I'm not sure this warrior pebble is worth it. Are you sure you want to die for it?'' Violin Man taunted.
Angered by the Taunt Rahabbi charged Violin man with another barrage of sword swipes, all of which are dodged with little effort from Violin Man. Violin Man puts enough distance between him and Rahabbi to allow him the opportunity to play his Violin. Energy erupts from the instrument, chasing Rahabbi around the arena, forcing him to dodge the bolts of raw power. Violin Man quickly changed the style of music, shifting the energy into more directable beam damage, which he pointed towards Rahabbi, who in turn attempted to block it with his sword. The two begin to close in on each other, causing the energy to ripple uncontrollably around the arena. The two get mere inches from each other as Violin Man showed no signs of letting up.
"This Violin is magical, You know. It is virtually indestructible, and made from a type of wood as hard as steel, as your teeth are about to find out"
Violin Man quickly spun out of the way of Rahabbi and his sword, before backhanding the violin straight into Rahabbi's mouth, shattering his teeth. Before Rahabbi can recover, he is smacked in the back of the head by the violin once again, and as he begins to fall, he is hit in the face a second time, breaking his nose and forcing him to drop his sword.
The beaten Rahabbi began to stand again but was smacked on the side of the head with the violin, deafening him in his ear. Violin Man then grabbed Rahabbi by his arm and twisted it behind his back, forcing him to the floor.
“The pebbles are pretty powerful don't get me wrong. but when you're facing another pebble wielder, it's essentially a battle without pebbles, because they balance out. You don't know it but you're remembered as one of the greatest warriors of your time. Unfortunately for you, i'm not from your time.”
Violin Man then twisted Rahabbi's arms completely, breaking them both in multiple places and making him scream in pain. The blood-curdling scream and the sound of cracking bones is the only sound in the deathly quiet arena
“I YIELD!” Rahabbi Begged
“I do not care” Replied Violin man
Violin Man holstered his Violin, then picked up Rahabbi's sword, he raised it above his head and executed Rahabbi. The crowd screamed in anguish, and people began to run from the arena. Violin Man begins to examine the sword he was holding, he looks at the hilt, encrusted with beautiful Jewels. He holds the sword by the handles, squeezing it with inhuman strength, causing the wood to shatter, and as the priceless jewels and metal of the sword clatter to the ground, Violin Man is left holding the Warrior Pebble which had been embedded in the blade. He takes the pebble and places it inside of his Violin with the time pebble. He now had the ability of great warrior prowess, and complete malleability over time.
The news of the skirmish at the Alatosh arena quickly spread, it was all the local news could talk about, and eventually, the national Bangladeshi news caught on too. Sadly, the death of the greatest swordsman of our time was not international front-page news, however, it was noted in special interest magazines for swordsmen. one of these publications was "Way of the Blade UK", and one of their subscribers, was Bald Leon.
Bald Leon was sat at the kitchen table reading through his newly delivered addition of "Way of the Blade UK", and as he read the first story, he threw the magazine across the room in frustration.
"MY HERO RAHABBI ALATOSH HAS BEEN BRUTALLY KILLED BY VIOLIN MAN" shouted Bald Leon in shock.
"What? Who's that" Asked Bald Jack
Bald Leon ignored Bald Jack, deep in thought "He must have the warrior pebble, I thought he gave up since we haven't seen him since the hospital incident" Bald Leon spoke aloud.
"Who is Rahabbi?" Questioned Bald Ben.
"Only the second best swordsman in the universe." Bald Leon replied, dignifying Bald Ben with an Answer
"So who's the best?" asked Bald Jack
"Me" boasted Bald Leon
Bald Leon went upstairs and came back down again within moments with two fully packed suitcases, he hands one to Bald Ben. Bald Ben checked the case and saw it was full of enough of his white vests with egg stains on them to last a week. Bald Leon turned to Bald Jack.
"I hope you've packed your suitcase cause we are going to Bangladesh. Now!" commanded Bald Leon
"Hey fellas that sound's awesome and all, but I haven't packed a case I haven't received any notice of this, like this is the first time you've told me about it and were going right now? I don't even know if my passport is in date!" Bald Jack replied
"If you don't come that means your gay" mumbled Bald Ben.
Bald Jack let out a huge sigh, he knew that if he didn't go with them he would be bullied mercilessly by them, and he felt that they were just beginning to accept him as one of them.
"fine, just let me grab the essentials," said Bald Jack
"you have one minute" Bald Leon instructed Bald Jack
Bald Jack sprinted upstairs trying to make sure he had everything he needed for a one week trip to the other side of the world. He only had time to grab his passport, some change, 2 spare t-shirts, some toothpaste (but no toothbrush), his comb (which he had grabbed out of habit, forgetting that it was now useless to him) and his phone charger (but not his phone).
"ok, that's enough time" Bald Leon commanded, before escorting Bald Jack out of his own home.
they stepped out of Bald Jack's house, not even giving him a chance to lock his front door before pushing him down his path and out onto the pavement. Bald Leon and Bald Ben pulled Bald Jack into the middle of the road to form a human barricade for a passing taxi that they could use. The driver slammed on his brakes and allowed the trio to get inside, and they asked to be taken to the airport.
"So been busy lately mate?" Said Bald Jack
"Yes very busy, busiest Sunday I have had in a while" replied the taxi driver.
Bald Leon noticed that the driver was speaking in a mild Indian accent.
"You sound Bangladeshi. We are going there so I can sword fight Violin Man to avenge Rahabbi Alatosh" explained Bald Leon.
The taxi driver looked confused. "I am not Bangladeshi I am from the UK, but my grandparents were from India which is close to Bangladesh, so good guess, A lot of people don't know it, but Bangladesh is another country but is right next door to India so I understand your confusion," said the taxi driver in a kind tone, with the good intention of educating these men to ease racial tensions.
"All the same really," said Bald Leon, not at all caring about equality.
"BALD LEON WHY DID YOU SAY THAT, I'M SO SORRY ABOUT HIM" shouts Bald Jack.
"ok I've had enough of you racist's" replied the driver "I tried to educate you and be nice about it, but you are clearly just ignorant assholes"
The driver pulled over onto the side of the road, and took the Bald's possessions out of the boot of his car, leaving them on the side of the road, 6 miles from the airport, and with 2 hours to get to their flight.
"You fucking dickhead Bald Jack," said Bald Ben.
"Yeah why would you go all white knight defending him, He clearly kicked us out because he was offended you thought he couldn't defend himself" Bald Leon shouted
"Me? He said he didn't like you being racist! I didn't say any racism!" Jack responded
"It was racist of you to assume he needed help defending himself" Said Bald Ben, chuckling to himself because he knew he was upsetting Bald Jack.
"It's ok Bald Ben, he didn't know it'd upset the driver, let's just go to the airport" Bald Leon said, closing down Bald Jack's counter-argument before he could make it.
As punishment for creating the circumstances where the other two had to walk, Bald Leon and Bald Ben made bald Jack take both of their suitcases, neither of which had wheels, forcing Bald Jack to lag behind the other two as they strode ahead, berating Bald Jack for going to slow. They got to the outside of the airport with just 15 minutes to spare, meaning they had little time to check-in and drop off their suitcases.
"I hate to be the one to break the bad news fellas but it seems like we ain't gonna make it" said Bald Jack.
"We will make it," Bald Ben said sniggering to himself
He looked over to the concierge at the doorway to the first-class departures lounge. He approached the man and put on a terrible upper-class accent.
"oh helloo they're" Bald Ben spoke eloquently
The concierge looked Bald Ben up and down, staring at the ripped cargo shorts, his off-white "wife beater" vest that was covered in egg, and the fact he clearly hadn't intentionally washed his hands in his life.
"May I have your ticket, sir?" Asked the Concierge
"Ah yisss I HOV it Write Hiyarrrrr" Continued Bald Ben
"Unfortunately sir, this is the first-class check-in area, your tickets are for... the luggage hold" explained the concierge
"So are you going to lit me in or h-what," asked Bald Ben
"I'm afraid not through this way"
Bald Ben looked at the man, staring straight at him. Bald Ben pulled out his phone and began to type furiously. The concierge's phone rang
"Hello sweetheart what's wrong?" the concierge asked his phone
Bald Ben smiled.
"our... our son did what?" asked the concierge shocked
The concierge ran away from his position, no longer caring about his job, sprinting in the direction of the staff car park.
"Right this way lad's" beckoned Bald Ben
The Bald's headed into the upper-class lounge and began to take every complimentary item they could get their hands on. Bald Jack didn't particularly want to, but Bald Leon had threatened him, so he joined in their collecting. They approached the check-in desk, and as they did, the check-in lady gripped her nose due to the stench being emitted by Bald Ben.
The check-in lady tried to compose herself and stuttered as she said "wh- where is it y-your going".
"Bangladesh!" the 3 Balds say with smiling faces.
"D-Do you have your T-tickets please".
Bald Leon and Bald Ben hand the lady their one-way ticket's to Bangladesh.
"Wait where's mine?" questioned Bald Jack
“We didn't get you one, we just needed someone to carry the bags for us" said Bald Leon.
"Bu-"
"Bye" said Bald Ben cutting Bald Jack off.
Bald Jack was astonished. He began to walk out of the airport carrying the plastic bag with his belongings. It was then that he realised he only had enough change to get them TOO the airport, which the taxi driver had taken all of, so Bald Jack was forced to walk 50 miles home.
Bald Leon and Bald Ben checked in their bags and walked through to the metal detector area, they approached the scanners and got into the line. Bald Ben walked through first. The machine beeped so the security guard had to search for him. The security guard began the pat-down and put his hand around Bald Ben's ankle.
Bald Ben immediately looked at the man in disgust "Why are you touching me up that's well gay".
"Sir the machine detected you have metal items and i have to pat you down to ensure you're not carrying anything you shouldn't be, i can assure you i am not touching you up as that would be inappropriate conduct".
The officer finds that Bald Ben hadn't removed his phone from his pockets because he couldn't be bothered to read the sign, so he lets him go through the detector again. It doesn't go off the second time, so he is free to go.
Bald Leon walked through the detector next, and just like Bald Ben, it bleeped, the security guard began to pat down Bald Leon as he did Bald Ben, fully expecting a phone again, however, what he found was far more sinister.
"BLADE BLADE BLADE" Shouted the Guard
Bald Leon was immediately handcuffed and escorted into one of the side rooms to be interrogated.
"Why the hell did you bring a sword to the airport," asked the interrogator
"I need it to battle Violin Man, He killed Rahabbi Alatosh so I have to go and swordfight him" explained Bald Leon
"Right." said the interrogator. he pulled out his radio and closed the bars on Bald Leon's cell. "I'm going to need a psych assessment in cell 6b, detainee appears to be suffering from delusions, possible substance abuse."
The interrogator left the cell block, leaving Bald Leon in the cell. Bald Leon looked at his surroundings. it was a small cramped cell, with a toilet, a bed, and a side table. no windows in the room itself, but there was one at the end of the cellblock corridor. Bald Leon had been left some lunch, a slice of bread with some butter and a glass of water. Bald Leon looked at the tiny stick of butter, he picked it up and took it out of its packaging, he bit through half of it and swallowed it whole. "delicious" he thought. He then took the other half and rubbed it over himself, as thinly as he could manage, he then began to press himself against the bars, attempting to slip through the tight gap between the metal bars. The bars began to creak, before completely breaking free of the wall, due to Bald Leon's immense strength.
"close enough," Bald Leon said to himself
Bald Leon then climbed through the window at the end of the corridor, so that no one could see that he had slipped out of the cell, he ran along the roof of the airport, trying to find a way back in. He was standing above the terminal his flight was departing from, and he could see Bald Ben trying on a Hawaiian shirt to go over his dirty white shirt in the airport Primark. Bald Leon worked out which skylight was connected to the men's toilet, and then slipped back inside the airport. He walked out of the toilet and found Bald Ben as quickly as he could.
"Hi Bald Leon did you get your sword back," Bald Ben asked cheerfully.
"No I didn't and we don't have time. Will have to get a new sword while I'm their" sniffled Bald Leon upset that his favourite sword had been confiscated.
They sprint towards the gate for their flight, make a quick detour to the burger king and then sprint back to the gate with 40 seconds to spare. They hand in the tickets and then get sat down just in time.
Bald Ben sighed "all that Pallava, for business class"
"I know right? The guys we grabbed the tickets off were well cheap, we stopped them from seeing there family for this what the fuck. No wonder their families don't live near them. if they were this cheap I wouldn't want to live near them either."
The Planes engines rumbled to life and taxied the plane to the runway, as the engines hit full power and lifted the plane into the air, Bald Leon could see the security guards who had detained him standing at the gate, clearly looking for him, but since his tickets had not been used, they assumed he must have still been in the airport somewhere. Bald Leon stuck his finger up at them through the small window and mourned the loss of his favourite sword. The plane reached cruising altitude, and the seatbelts light went dark. The air hostess began to wheel down the food and drinks cart, stopping at each aisle, she reached the Balds and asked them “Would you like any complimentary snacks and drinks boys?”
“No thank you we haven't got any money” Replied Bald Leon
The hostess was confused “no it's ok gentlemen, these are complementary, you don't have to pay”
“The man said scram, now fuck off” replied Bald Ben on behalf of Bald Leon.
The Lady scurries away to the next row of seats as the Balds get comfortable.
“I'm going for a shit” Bald Leon tells Bald Ben
He got up and walked down the aisle, at the toilet door there was a 6-year-old about to open it to go inside. Bald Leon shoved his head causing him to fall over and out of Bald Leon's way. Bald Leon sat down and got comfortable. He turned his mobile data back on and browsed Facebook for half an hour, before leaving the toilet without flushing. When he left the stall he saw that the child was still waiting outside, but unfortunately, he had soiled himself while waiting. Bald Leon stared at the child in disgust and called him a dirty bastard, causing him to cry. He then headed back to his seat and sat back down. He decided that since he had such a long flight ahead of him, it made sense to try and sleep through it, so he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.
BANG
Bald Leon was woken up by the colossal noise. The plane had flown into a storm and been struck by a bolt of lightning, causing the wing to catch fire. there was a second explosion, and the burning wing completely detached from the plane, taking the cabin wall with it. everyone on the plane was screaming, except for Bald Leon, who was just annoyed he had been woken from his nap, Bald Ben was also awake, playing crossy roads on his phone. As the hole in the side of the plane started to grow in size, Bald Leon was sucked out of the fuselage, because he disagrees with seatbelts morally.
As he falls to the earth he takes out his phone and opens the Yelp app to review the airline.
"Flight took too long, unhappy with circumstances of arrival" Bald Leon spoke aloud as he typed, still falling towards the quickly approaching earth at terminal velocity. He finishes his review and goes through the process of posting, but before he can press "publish" he slams into the ground, creating a huge crater
"OW! My Big Toe!"
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