September arrived as it always does. Bald Leon woke up on his first day of school and began to get ready for the day. He had been living with Jack for a while now, and Jack had not charged him a penny in rent, and luckily for Bald Leon, Jack's family still hadn't come back so he got to keep sleeping in Jack's nice bed. Bald Leon got out of bed and began to get dressed. He wore his 3 piece suit to look his best and to make friends at his new school.
When Bald Leon got downstairs there was a package waiting for him.
"What's that?" asked Jack, "I know you don't do it on purpose but you need to stop ordering things with my card, it's beginning to become expensive"
"I'm sorry," said Bald Leon in a sarcastic sincere tone, however, Jack thought he was being genuine.
"It's fine, so what did you order" asked Jack inquisitively.
"It'll be my new wife" answered Bald Leon
"Your what?!" Shouted Jack
Bald Leon ripped the top off of the box and out stepped a muscular, Russian, 6'6ft, mail order bride.
"Hello, I am Sofia Anastatia Volkov" said the Girl
"I will call you Ulga" Bald Leon told her
"Bald Leon, I don't think this is legal, isn't this human trafficking? I mean she arrived in a box" Bald Jack said tentatively
"Stop being a pussy, I can have nice things," said Bald Leon
"Women aren't object Bald Leon" Jack countered
"Yeah Yeah write it on your libtard blog haha" Bald Leon chuckled to himself.
Bald Leon ushered Ulga through the house and upstairs, he asked her to do his washing up while he was at school, which she agreed to do
Ulga kissed his cheek and waved him off as he got onto the bus. As Bald Leon got onto the bus he realised it was full of the rough school children, all wearing the uniform of the school he was going to. As he got onto the bus, everyone began to laugh at him, even the bus driver, but he paid no attention, he invented bullying, and he wasn't about to let some snot-nosed chavs beat him at his own game.
the 5-minute bus journey felt like hours to Bald Leon, as he was hit with constant heckling from the school kids, but eventually, he arrived at his first class.
"Hello sorry I'm late, I'm Bald Leon" he confidently announced in front of a class of year 11s. Everybody laughed at this man claiming to be a student despite looking to be in his late 40s, Bald and wearing a blue 3 piece suit whilst carrying around his big umbrella. The class began to laugh even more when they noticed the awful state of his teeth. The teacher showed him his seat at the back of the class. He was seated next to a guy called Callum, who looked as rough as a bag of gravel. He asked Bald Leon in a fake, almost insultingly bad Liverpudlian accent “ay lad, can a Chong a fag are kidda?” Due to the lack of intelligible English in the sentence, Bald Leon was confused as to what this boy was asking him. "I'm Bald Leon, would you like to be my friend?" Replied Bald Leon. “Dont give a shit lad,” replied Callum.
"Are you sure? I think we would make a good team" Begged Bald Leon
"Dont come round here your not my don" retorted Callum
Bald Leon was about to retort to this homo Naledi but he was cut off by the teacher who sent him out of the room as the class stared at him awkwardly.
Bald Leon waited outside of the classroom for a full 40 minutes, because the teacher had forgotten that she had sent him out. "This sucks," he said to himself Some girls walked past and began to laugh at the fact he was talking to himself as if he was in a teen romance movie. As Bald Leon thought about how much he loves misogyny and hates women like that, something appeared in the corner of his eye, and as he looked up he saw the shadow of a fat Bald humanoid. He turned his head to look at the Fat but short figure more closely, but as he turned his head, it disappeared completely. “That was weird,” Bald Leon said to himself. The Bell rang for break time, and Bald Leon decided he wanted to order lunch and headed to the canteen, when he got there he asked the dinner lady "do you accept Jabawockies as currency?" "Jaba-what?" The dinner lady responds, confused. Bald Leon dashes away embarrassed and the dinner lady just rolled her eyes and forgot about the strange student. As Bald Leon dashed away, Callum tripped him up, and all the food that was on his tray comically flew up into the air, and landed all around him, perfectly outlining his 7ft body. Callum and his gang began to laugh at Bald Leon, throwing chips and insults alike, calling him a "freak", a "nerd", a "stupid cunt waste of space oxygen sucking rock chewing gravel inhaling sand drinking neanderthal", and worst of all "booger face".
Bald Leon picked himself up and walked away, now he was hungry and annoyed. but he was halfway through the day at least. The bell rang for another lesson. As Bald Leon strode down the corridor to his next class he got that odd feeling again, he turned his head and saw the fat little figure once more. It was a Bald guy. He looked to be about 4'3 and rather large, and he also seemed to be much older than any of the other kids. Bald Leon noticed that this fat little man was staring at him just as intently as he was staring at the fat little man. They kept their eyes locked for a solid 5 minutes without talking, both feeling strange compelling energy between them. not anything romantic, but a powerful force somehow bonding them to each other. The staring contest was finally broken by the ringing of the second bell telling them to hurry to class, they both turned around without speaking a word and walked to their next lessons.
“Who the fuck was he,” Bald Leon thought to himself “I've never felt Bald energy waves from another person like that before”. He pondered this thought for the rest of the lesson and as the end of the lesson drew in a note from the office was brought to his class asking for him to go to the head office. He arrived at the office and The headmaster asked him to take a seat. “So we've been looking into some of the information you've given us, and I need a straight answer from you, no shame or anything, do you have a home? Because the standard protocol is to ensure all students, regardless of their age, have a safe home life. now you aren't exactly a normal student, but as I said the protocol must be maintained, so if you like we can get you somewhere to live”
Bald Leon thought about this for a moment and realised that although he technically lived with Jack, Jack was starting to get on his tits, constantly pestering him about things like “wash the dishes” and “flush after you've had a shit” and “don't punch the cat”. He decided that the best move would be for him to have his own place.
“No sir, I've been sleeping behind the wheelie bins at ASDA” Bald Leon lied. “Right well since you're technically a student, you can go into student accommodation is that something you'd like?” "Thank you, sir" Bald Leon says, faining gratuity. "Right so if you get the school minibus it'll take you straight there so if you want to go and get your stuff you can be excused for the day". Bald Leon calls Ulga and tells her to pack their stuff, and specifies that she is not to forget to bring Jacks ps5, and the medieval cannon Bald Leon had bought on eBay. He arrived at his new house with his Wife. "Babe we did it, a free house till the year ends let's unpack," said Bald Leon happily He stepped inside and began to explore his new abode. The house was a single bedroom house, more of an apartment, but for two people living together, it was perfect and rather spacious, containing the bedroom, an up and downstairs bathroom, a kitchen/dining room, an office space and a living room. Bald Leon walked into his spacious living room and sat on his lovely new couch, pondering how this incredible house was valued at such a low amount. he let out a relaxed sigh and sank into the couch.
then a cannonball was fired through the wall.
The cannonball ripped through his living room wall, and went straight through into his downstairs bathroom, completely destroying it. The cannonball continued its trajectory, colliding into Ulga who was carrying all of her possessions and luggage into the house, destroying them completely and knocking her into a wall. Bald Leon ran over, worried. He checked all of his belongings.
"phew, all my stuff is fine," He said to himself
Ulga began to stem her bleeding chest
"I'm fine too asshole" she shouted her
"oh yeah that's good too" Bald Leon replied "be back in a bit" He immediately charged upstairs and got onto the roof with his big suitcase, which contained the parts for his cannon. He assembled it and points it at the source of the cannonball that destroyed his bathroom, and almost destroyed his newly acquired ps5. He looked for the source of the blast and saw the smoke was all coming from a house two doors down, as the smoke clears he begins to see the outline of a small fat man. Bald Leon realised it was the same Bald guy from school. "What's your name!" shouted Bald Leon "Bald Ben!" Bald Ben replied with another shout. "Bald Ben? Hah, That sounds like a Radio show name!" Bald Leon shouted back, believing that this insult makes sense. "What the fuck is going on here!" Shouts a third voice, the neighbour in the house between them. "YOU HAVE LITERALLY JUST MOVED IN! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SHOUTING AND SCREAMING, AND HOW COME YOUR HOUSE IS ALREADY FUCKED!" He screamed whilst pointing at Bald Leon "AND YOU! YOU HAVE LIVED HERE ALL YOUR LIFE BUT I NEVER SEE YOU, AND THE FIRST TIME YOU EMERGE FOR AGES, YOU BLAST A FUCKING CANNONBALL THROUGH MY HOUSE AND INTO HIS! MY CAT IS IN HALF" He shouted whilst pointing at Bald Ben. "Sorry Craig" whispered Bald Ben, "but this is business between me and... Umm I didn't catch your name sorry" Bald Leon stared down Bald Ben, offended by the fact someone he's not acquainted with didn't know his name for some reason. "My name... Is Bald Leon!" He said pulling the firing pin on his now assembled cannon, launching a cannonball through Craigs upstairs and into Bald Ben's house. "That was a warning shot" Bald Leon boasts, despite the fact that warning shots are supposed to miss, and this shot tore down a balcony and a first-floor wall.
Bald Ben decided that he wasn't going to let Bald Leon have the last laugh, so he returned fire, Beginning a battle between the two of them, firing cannonballs at each other, damagin the houses they live in, and utterly destroying Craig's, flinging debris into the streets and causing an unknown number of casualties.
The battle ended when each of them ran out of ammunition, with each house now being unrecognisable, and with hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of damages done to each. Craig's house now no longer had a second floor.
"Guess this battle is over" shouts Bald Leon. "Yeah” Replied Bald ben “See you tomorrow" Bald Ben disappeared back into his now decrepit house, and Bald Leon did the same, going downstairs and grabbing a beer from the fridge and then he sat down on his couch and began to watch TV as if nothing had happened. A couple of hours later there was a hammering on Bald Leon's door.
"ULGA! GET THE DOOR" shouted Bald Leon "Oh wait she's in hospital haha" he remembered.
He reluctantly got up and went to the door. when he opened it he found Bald Ben's dad holding Bald Ben by his ear on the front step.
Bald Leon noticed that despite Bald Ben being caucasian, this man who was his father was clearly of Asian descent, leading Bald Leon to believe that Bald Ben must be adopted.
"I believe my son owes an apology," said Bald Ben's dad. He slapped his son on the head and yelled at him in Mandarin to apolagise. "I, I, I'm sorry Bald Leon it wasn't very neighbourly of me to shoot a cannonball at your house, I know you're new here and I feel bad, my dad has confiscated my cannon so it won't happen again" whispered Bald Ben shyly.
"Ok," said Bald Leon accepting this apology and closing the door. It was days before Bald Leon next saw Bald Ben, the weekend arrived and Bald Leon heard a knocking on his door. He walked to the door and saw that the knocking had caused the door to fall inwards into his hallway because he had made no effort to repair any of the damages caused by the cannon fight. He looked out the door and saw Bald Ben standing there.
"Wanna play?" Bald Ben asked. “Alright,” Bald Leon agreed. They made their way into town and had a jolly time together, playing tag, kicking seagulls, and running in front of cars to brake check them, laughing the whole time. eventually, they got tired and decided to go to WHSmith for a drink. They grab a tin of coke from the fridge and make their way to the till, but something caught Bald Leon's eye as they approached.
"That lift," he said. "What about it," asked Bald Ben. "My head is telling me that's the lift Violin Man used to get to this time" explained Bald Leon "Whos Violin man?" Bald Ben asked, confused. "He is this knobhead who tried to kill me when I first got defrosted, my dad, The Master, tasked him with stopping me from doing something, I don't really care what because I'll do it anyway, no one tells me what to do, but Violin man tried to kill me instead of stopping me and that pissed off my dad. If I was Violin Man, id be trying to collect the rest of the forever Pebbles because with those he could stop my dad from interfering and also kill me. This Violin Man is basically my nemesis".
Bald Ben stared at Bald Leon, terrified by his tale, but is quickly distracted with his own story.
"I have an arch-nemesis. His name is Hubert Green. I tried to make his grandson kill himself but he wouldn't and now he keeps shouting abuse at me and chasing me with a big stick, it's uncalled for." "That's shit bro," said Bald Leon sympathetically, ignoring the encouraging suicide part. When they went back to school it was the first day of a new term and they had been given new timetables, they had been placed in the same Drama, Maths and English classes. Their first lesson was Drama and Bald Ben's had to do his performance in front of the class.
Bald Leon realised the class laughed at Bald Ben in a similar way to the way they laugh at Bald Leon, only they laugh at Bald Ben because he is 43 and still in school, and he always wears the same dirty white shirt and is 4'4 ft tall.
Bald Ben stood at the front of the class of 30 students, and he could see his new friend Bald Leon at the back of the class due to Bald Leon's freakish height.
Bald Leon got onto the stage and stood there staring. "Well go on then Bald Ben," said the Drama teacher. "To be or not to be" Bald Ben declared in a comically cartoonish way. Bald Leon started laughing straight away and insulted Bald Ben saying how shit his performance is. The classes social justice warrior students stand up and say "you really shouldn't laugh at that, he is doing his best and I think your discriminating because he is short".
"since when do we have SJW's here? where were you when I was getting bullied on my first day?" asked Bald Leon
However before Bald Leon could berate the SJW anymore, Bald Ben sprints off of the stage towards Bald Leon and uppercuts him under his chin, launching him off of the ground and through the ceiling of the drama studio, 100 ft into the air.
Bald Ben turned to the social justice warriors and said "Fuck off”.
He then jumped several feet into the air and then punched Bald Leon back to the ground, sending shockwaves through the concrete collapsing the building making a crater for the students to fall into.
As the two Balds began to roll on the floor fighting each other, the school security tackled them both and sent them to the headmaster, Luckily for the security, Bald Leon had not had 5-hour energy for 5 hours and 12 minutes, because if he had, they would have been toast.
The pair sit outside the headmaster's office in silence before being called inside. The headmaster immediately demands an explanation as to why these two adults posing as students were acting younger than the age group they are supposed to be blending in with. "He laughed at my performance!". Shouted Bald Ben. "Yeah because it was shite". Interjects Bald Leon "ENOUGH!" Shouted the headmaster. "Who shat in your cornflakes this morning" muttered Bald Leon. "You are both having 2 weeks detention". "But that's not faiiiir" Bald Ben moaned. “Listen here you chubby retard, I don't know why this school keeps letting you resit your year, but if you keep shit like this up, it'll be your last at this school,” the Headmaster said coldly.
He then dismissed the boys back to the classroom.
The pair walk down the corridor to their English lesson
"No hard feelings right?" asked Bald Leon
"Of course not, I just wanted to get out of doing my performance, that was a good plan" replied Bald Ben
“By the way, Why do they keep letting you resit every year?” Bald Leon asked interested. “They don't, I just keep turning up because it’s closer to come here than the jobcentre” Bald Ben replied with a grin on his face, pleased to show off his cunning scheme to someone. “Haha, clever that lad” Bald Leon Replied. they walk to class, friends again as if nothing had happened.
Bald Leon had found the Yin to his Yang in his new Friend Bald Ben, but he had forgotten about someone.
He had forgotten about Jack.
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