THE MAGNIFICENT TALE OF THE BALDS
CHAPTER 4: THE ICEMAN
The warehouse where the Iceman was being held had been filled with an array of scientific equipment, converting it into a makeshift lab. a small team of scientist's work on taking assorted samples from the thawing creature. they all chatter out their readings to be recorded.
"skin seems identical to that of modern homo-sapien, caucasian variety"
"internal anatomy scans also come back average to modern-day, is there any way the core sample dating him as from the prehistoric era was wrong?"
"Negative, core sample was triple verified, chances are this is a rare case of extra-normative evolution, there were lots of varieties on humans and apes back then, most of which died out, so chances are this is one of those divergent species"
"oh yeah well explain the suit"
"give me the room"
there's a pause in the chatter at that unfamiliar voice.
"I said, give me the room"
the man attached to the voice flashes a high-level security clearance pass. the scientists all scuttle out of the room quickly and quietly.
The man began to monologue to the iceman.
"So you're quite the celebrity," The man said
"It took me 5 weeks to track you down you know? and then it took me another 3 to infiltrate this organisation and fabricate some clearance to get you all to myself"
The man looks at the control panel in front of him, the panel controlled the defrosting fans pumping warming air onto the ice to slowly thaw the iceman, at the moment they were all set to safe mode. the man pressed his fingers on the sliding control points, pushing them all to the maximum heat degree, causing danger warnings to flash on the monitors.
"You don't know it yet, but you are about to become this worlds greatest burden, and I just can't allow that"
The man became irritated that the ice was not melting fast enough, and he picks up a safety fire axe and slams it into the top of the ice block, causing a track straight through the ice top to bottom. The ice splinters and shatters, freeing the iceman's head.
"And so I said, I will see you next week!" Bald Leon laughs hysterically.
The Mysterious man stares at the Iceman, now being 100% certain that this Iceman was Bald Leon. A surprised look flashes over Bald Leon's face as he realises that he is now no longer in "caveman times", and then his face scrunches up, mildly upset as he realises that his joke doesn't make sense if you only hear the second half "And so I said, I will see you next week!", and what made him even more upset, was that several thousand years in the ice had made him forget the setup.
"Who are you? where is Ugg Mug?" Bald Leon questions the man.
"I am Violin man, and you are Bald Leon. The history books said you were thawed around this time, and I think the chances of you being someone else are slim. I've never really been one for small talk, so I think I'll just kill you now" the violin man explained.
"What the hell I dindunuffin" Bald Leon replied
Violin Man began to play his violin and atmospheric energy began to flow into the instrument, charging up a deadly energy attack. As Violin Man reaches the climax of the song, the roof suddenly explodes and The Master floats inside.
"Alright I am pretty sure I never said kill him, I only said stop him" The Master shouted
“He must be stopped at all costs!” Violin man countered
“Nah lad,” said the master, He then waves his hand temporarily freezing Violin Man with his magic "I can't interfere here beyond this, you've got to get yourself out of here lad" The Master explained to Bald Leon.
He waves his hand and cracks the rest of the Ice surrounding Bald Leon, before floating back off into space
Bald Leon staggered out of the storage facility, but his joints were all still cold or frozen, meaning he couldn't run very fast. Violin Man broke free of The Master's spell and ran out of the facility. Violin man drops his violin on the ground and it began to transform into a shape resembling both a violin and a hoverboard.
Bald Leon needed a bottle of 5-hour energy to get his speed back. he found a taxi and got in and shouted "to the 5-hour energy factory!!!!" startling the taxi driver.
“That'll cost you extra pal, I'm only contracted to go within city limits and that is far beyond here”. Said the taxi driver
"I just been frozen for 200'000 years my currency is just rocks, but I will give you some 5-hour energy". Bargained Bald Leon.
The taxi driver stomped on the brakes bringing the taxi to a sudden stop. Luckily for Bald Leon, Violin man had been right behind the taxi, so when the taxi stopped Violin man smashed into the back of it, going straight through the back window and covering his face in glass shards.
"Fucking Audi drivers" remarked Bald Leon.
Bald Leon got out of the cab and began to walk in the direction of the energy supplement factory, leaving Violin man unconscious with blood pouring out his head in the back window of the cab. The taxi driver was petrified and confused, screaming and cursing at Bald Leon as he left the taxi and at Violin Man who he now felt obliged to take to a hospital.
Bald Leon walked for hour's and he was beginning to feel the effects of everything from the Ice, the brief chase with Violin man and even the change in the earth's atmosphere and climate. He looked into a shop he was passing and saw the energy drinks fridge. He went inside, opened the fridge door and began to drink a can of monster. He took a few more can's for the road and headed back out, the shopkeeper was furious at the random guy stealing his stock and attempted to stop him by tackling him. Bald Leon was completely unaffected, by the shopkeeper's attack's, as if they weren't even happening, so the shopkeeper ran back into his shop to call the police, which Bald Leon did not care about.
Bald Leon was feeling tired. he looked into the houses he was passing and could see people sleeping in bed's and he quite fancied one himself. he walked up the path of the next house he passed and knocked on Jack's door.
"Alright," Bald Leon said greeting Jack.
Bald Leon pushed past Jack before he could even respond, and put his blazer on a coat hanger.
"Excuse me, you can't just let yourself into my home" declared Jack, annoyed that this random Bald Man was treating his house like a homeless shelter.
"Want me to be homeless, Dickhead? I'm gonna sleep here till I get enough money for some 5-hour energy, how do I get money" demanded Bald Leon
"Well you'd need a job" Replied Jack, taken aback by this random guy's demands
"OK, I'm going to become a forensic physics teacher then" explained Bald Leon.
"Wait... aren't you the Iceman from the news the other day?" Jack asked
"I don't know what that is, but I was frozen this morning so if that's isn't a common occurrence anymore then yeah it was probably me" explained Bald Leon
Jack had been considering kicking out Bald Leon, but now that he had realised this was the Iceman, he could use Bald Leon to help get back his career in journalism. Jack decided to learn more about Bald Leon's past.
"Ok fine, my wife and kids have gone to centre parks so you can stay until they get back, just don't make a mess" Jack stuttered.
"Was gonna stay here with or without your permission I'm not gonna lie. I'm taking your bed” replied Bald Leon
Jack Decided he may as well begin to question Bald Leon.
"You've been frozen since the stone age, yet your dressed like that and you seem to be really intelligent. as well as that, i saw the scans the science team did of your brain and they think it might be that of the next stage of evolution, so i have to ask, are you a time traveller from the future who got stuck in the past?"
"Well first of all I don't know what the stone age is, it's called "caveman times", and second, I'm not a time traveller, I just have a forward-thinking fashion sense and I'm from caveman times but my dad made me really advanced, My dad’s what you may call God, He’s the Master and he gave me the smartest brain in the world so I just know what to do Because it's already in my head," said Bald Leon without a moment to think, because as he said, the information was already there in his head.
Jack then asked, “how were you frozen in the first place, and why weren't you killed from being frozen for thousands of years?”
“Basically I was telling my Mate Ugg Mug this joke, and I heard this rumbling but guessed it must have been my belly, but I guess it was an avalanche so it must have frozen me for all this time” explained Bald Leon.
“That doesn't explain how you survived in Ice all this time though…” enquired Jack.
“Oh it's Because My Dads the master, I have some of that power and it means I’m better than most people and more powerful, as well as smart, anyway can we be done with this questioning now? I want a poo” Concluded Bald Leon
Jack agreed to pause his questioning for the evening, Bald Leon went upstairs and Jack followed, getting into his Pyjamas. Bald Leon finished in the toilet and Jack went in afterwards to brush his teeth and was hit by a thick wall of foul-smelling green smoke.
"Oh my god! What the hell is this!" Shouted Jack
"Sorry, I was holding that one in for a while." Replied Bald Leon
Jack turned on his shower extractor fan as his smoke alarm began to sound, Bald Leon ignored all of this and calmly got into Jack's bed and went to sleep. Once Jack had fixed Bald Leon's mess, he went to get into bed and saw it was occupied, so he went downstairs and slept on the couch as he was too polite to move Bald Leon.
The next day. Bald Leon put on his 3 piece suit and left Jack’s house to go to an interview for a job he saw advertised as a Forensic Physics teacher.
When he arrived at the institute advertising the job he submitted his CV to the receptionist who gave it a quick glance but paused.
"So you have no GCSEs, no A levels, and you want to be a teacher?" asked the receptionist.
"What the Fuck’s a GCSE?". Bald Leon politely enquired.
The Receptionist stared in awe at this man for a few seconds, unsure whether to call The police or a mental institute.
"It's like- like proof you are qualified to do something" explained the Receptionist
"Ok but I invented fire surely you can see I'm pretty clever," said Bald Leon
The Receptionist was yet again stunned in disbelief
"Well, we will give you a call in a few days if you made the cut... Best of luck" she said with a smile.
Bald Leon walked out the door and sat on the wall outside, he stayed there for three days and three nights, not sleeping the entire time, waiting for his call back. It was on the third he remembered he didn't have a phone so he walked back into the building to speak to the terrified receptionist.
"I just remembered I don't have a phone, I was waiting outside for the call so I guess you'll just have to tell me if I got the interview" Bald Leon commanded the terrified woman.
"W-well actually, the headmaster would like to-to interview you, he said he found you-your CV very interesting, so you c-can go upstairs now, third door on the left" explained the receptionist
"Thanks," Bald Leon said, before walking away.
Bald Leon reached the door outside, he pushed it open and said hello to the headmaster before sitting down at his desk. The headmaster looked Bald Leon up and down before sitting himself and beginning the questioning.
"I'll be honest with you, I thought that your application here was a prank by one of the student's," Said the Headmaster while tapping on the paper "the only reason you are sitting here now was because I wanted to see how far the little bastards would go, I thought they'd panic if I asked their fake man to an interview, and yet here you are."
"Yeah I need money for 5-hour energy so I thought I'd get a job in a field I invented back in Caveman times" Explained Bald Leon
"yeah I read over your little biography here, despite being completely unqualified, you seem to be a really intelligent person, I mean you included schematics for some kind of machine that can convert sand into diamonds using pressure? and you even have ideas for a cancer cure, so why don't you just get it over with now and tell me who put you up to this" asked the headmaster
"This guy called Jack I'm living with told me I need a job for money, so I guess him" Bald Leon explained.
the headmaster continued to grill and test Bald Leon, but every question that he asked, Bald Leon had an answer, proving time and time again that he was vastly intelligent. The headmaster slowly began to change his opinion on the strange Bald Man,
"Ok Listen here, you have really impressed me today, and we are desperate for teachers but to hire you to be a science teacher you need at least a C grade in maths and English and an A* in science. So I'm thinking about the best way to get you qualified, so if you like, we can put you into the school for the upcoming year, and we will put you straight into the final year group so you can get qualified as quickly as possible, you seem to be a real asset to this school but I legally can't take you on until you get this qualification. if you like you might even be able to take the exams early, is that something you'd be interested in?" asked the headmaster.
"Yeah, sure," bald Leon said nonchalantly.
"Brilliant! I'm gonna put you in year 11, it's more of a formality so that you're technically enlisted here, so when you get the grade the job is yours. I must warn you though, this school's a little... rough.” explained the headmaster
Bald Leon looked out the window into the playground. he could see a group of students playing with knives, a student had been duct-taped to the top of a lamppost, and another set of students were doing donut's in the car park in one of the teacher's cars. Bald Leon just chuckled.
The headmaster continued “Some of the kids to watch out for, Vlad the burner, he keeps stabbing people, his girlfriend is one to avoid too, and there's another weird kid who's been held back year after year, think he's even been here longer than me”.
"and what is his name," asked Bald Leon "he goes by Bald Ben"
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