THE MAGNIFICENT TALE OF THE BALDS
PROLOGUE: THE BEGINNING OF EVERYTHING
Even when there is nothing there is something.
Before the universe, there was darkness.
The darkness was everything, and it was cold.
An endless void of emptiness, no matter, no particles.
Not even a single atom existed in the constant expanse of nothingness.
Except for one.
There was a speck in the infinite darkness.
The speck was the only being in all of reality, and it was bored.
The speck decided it needed to have form, so it evolved itself into a humanoid form.
it would be impossible to tell how long it took for the speck to complete this task, and it is assumed it would take millennia, however, time did not yet exist so it took literally no time at all.
the speck created a form of average height, average build. It was a given fact that whatever size the form took would be average by default as there were no alternatives however the speck did give itself a distinguishable Baldhead.
The speck decides to rename itself, baptizing himself “The Master”. Yes, This is his first name, No, he does not have a last name.
The master decides that in order to alleviate his boredom he should create reality. and he "reckoned he could crack it out in a week", however, He still hadn't invented time so this idea was meaningless. Before he started working properly he invented food delivery because he was hungry, the creation of deliveroo also brought a man who would become known as Bald Ollie into existence, this creature only seemed to exist when orders were made on the food delivery app, meaning that when food wasn't being delivered, he didn't actually exist and was trapped in a state of purgatory.
On his first day of work, The Master created the universe itself, bringing matter into the void.
On the second day, The Master created Time and relatively, giving meaning to his new world.
The next day he took a smoke break, but then he invented poverty.
on the Fifth day, he invented relics of great power, including the forever pebbles and the last drop of coke.
On the sixth day, he had another smoke break.
and on the final day, he created his own paradise to smoke on.
this paradise planet was to be named after his favourite word “Alright”.
“Alright” was a planet with a bright purple atmosphere, bathing the sky in a deep Amethyst. he gave the planet beautiful oceans and majestic mountains, as well as vast plains for which the population could build cities.
The Master had been thinking carefully about the kinds of people he wanted to populate his utopian oasis, and he could think of no one more deserving of it than himself. he created the population not only in his image but in his exact likeness and mindset. a population entirely comprised of more “The Masters”, each possessing a small fraction of his power allowing them free will and higher thought that many creatures the master had created on other planets had been lacking.
The Master had created his perfect world.
Years later, the society was thriving. The original master did not lead this planet, for in this utopian world there was no need for a government to make decisions, The world provided everything the citizens needed, and there only concerns were developing the arts and entertaining themselves. “The Master” was living in an apartment with a roommate, another "the master". the two were having an arm wrestle and the original The Master lost. His forfeit for losing was allowing his roommate to have a go at creating his own universe. The master increases the power his roommate possesses and gives him an area in which he can create a new universe without damaging the pre-existing one.
"alright have some fun lad, but don't flip the lever here because anything you make will spill out into the real world" explained the Master
"Alright," said the Master's roommate.
The roommate begins to experiment with his new reality, he grabs a rat from the real universe and throws it into his fake one. The rat begins to swell and expand before bursting in the vacuum of the reality he created.
"ah shit, I didn't put any air in there" the Master's roommate realises.
he looks to the lever dividing the two universes.
"if there's air in here and I open that, the air will go in there" the Master's roommate deduces.
he reaches for the lever and begins to pull it. as he pulls the lever everything in the room begins to be sucked into the new universe.
"ah shit," says the master's roommate.
all of the pair's possessions begin to be sucked into the new universe, a jar labelled "bad shit" belonging to the master is sucked in, as well as a case marked "forever pebbles". the bookcase tips over, with all of the master's notebooks on ideas for the universe being sucked in, everything from "jabberwocky's" and "relics" to "my dad" and "other balds". a shit whizzes past the master's roommate head, as the master himself, runs from the bathroom with his pants still around his ankles.
"you fucking knobhead, all my ideas I haven't implemented yet are going into that new universe, if we don't close it soon, the two universes will merge!" shouts the master.
The master's roommate shrugs his shoulders and reaches into the fridge for a beer, as he opens the door, a can flies out and smacks him in the forehead, knocking him out. The original master tries to crawl over to the lever to close the breach, grabbing any bit of furniture he could to prevent himself from being sucked into the inescapable black hole of a newly forming universe. He dives quite a distance to get to the console, almost being sucked in but just managing to grab onto the command console in time, but as he reaches for the lever, another stray beer can falls from the fridge and jets towards the master like a torpedo, knocking him out cold before he could close the breach.
the pressure begins to build between the worlds, the portal destabilises further, as whole buildings begin being sucked into the void.
The portal starts to reach critical mass as whole galaxies start getting sucked into the void until the void itself collapses, sucking itself in.
And then there was nothing.
but even when there is nothing there is something.
out of nothing, there is a huge explosion, a really big bang.
a new universe is formed full of life, stars, jabberwocky’s, and planets. this universe was different from its predecessor. it lacked the balance and clarity that made the previous universe such a paradise. many of the worlds were left unruly with all creatures having a mind of there own, but only some having the intelligence to use it. many new worlds that did not exist in the previous universe formed in this one, all of these new worlds filled with discord and mayhem.
The master had survived the collapse of reality somehow, and found himself adrift in the void of space, he used his power to pull himself towards any collection of mass he could, hoping to find remnants of his society.
he was without any of his other Masters to keep him company, and he was determined to get back what was lost, so he began to survey the new reality to try and get his bearings and see how badly his roommate fucked up reality. he came across each planet and named them, trying to find one at least somewhat worthy of becoming his new home. One such planet found was a dirty, wet shithole of a planet, and due to the abundance of dirt on its surface, the master decided to name this planet “Earth”. This planet had enormous, beautiful creatures capable of great destruction called “Dinosaurs”. However, the master called them “Gay” and flew into the earth “well hard”. He crashed into the earth at the speed of a comet, obliterating almost all of the Dinosaurs instantly, mostly out of anger for his lost world, and a different kind of self-hatred, as it was one of his duplicates who caused this new world. The Master left Earth to form new life that would evolve into the modern human, but that doesn't matter until later.
The Master may have left this world too early, however, for if he had stayed, he would have found that many of his ideas had come to fruition on this world, for in the earth year of 500000 BC, Bald Leon spawned on Earth...
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Very epic
ReplyDeleteepic uhm this story is epic yes epic gamer
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