Forming the Revengers
A Galactus short story
Months after the death of Genesis, Life around Chester seemed to be going back to normal. Genesis was the toughest opponent Galactus had ever faced and it left him in need of a break, luckily he found out his younger brother had a trust fund, so he borrowed it to go on holiday to a caravan park in Wales.
After arriving at the park, Galactus sat on the creaky, smelly sofa and poured himself some whiskey on the rocks in celebration of his recent victory (although he decided to hold the whiskey). He turned the news on to see what was going on crime-wise around north Wales, although he had decided at this point bringing criminals to justice by executing them for petty crimes like stealing food, tax evasion and domestic terrorism was now beneath him, after all, he did defeat a super-powered alien who almost single handily took over the entire planet to merge it with the intergalactic Oxryn empire.
Galactus switched off the telly and vowed not to fight crime while on holiday and he even took off his iconic "super suit" for the first time in years. He took out some fresh clothes and slipped his muddy gangrenous arms into his shirt sleeves and his piss-rashed legs into his jeans (according to Galactus superheroes have no time for toilet breaks).
He hit the town and stopped off at the local pub, immediately being forcefully removed because of his foul hygiene. Just as Galactus was starting to get bored, his phone started buzzing. his military-grade motion sensors in the Galactus cave (his bedroom) had been set off. In a panic, Galactus found the nearest phone box, 2 miles down the road and changed into his super suit, emulating Christoper Reeve's (except it took him 20 minutes).
Galactus was enraged when he realised all public transport was non-operational as he was in Wales. Galactus also had a driving ban, despite the fact he'd never been allowed to even take his test, so it wasn't like he could drive the car he didn't have. In a panic, he checked to see how much of his brothers' trust fund was left. He knew 20 Jabberwockies wouldn't be enough to get a taxi all the way to Chester, so for the first time in his life he would have to "commit a crime" but he thought it was ok as it was for the greater good.
He called a taxi and got in, telling the driver that he would pay extra to speed there. The driver agreed and an hour later he was home. Galactus told the driver he would go inside to get his cash, but as he stepped out he just legged it to his front door, closing it behind him as fast as possible leaving the furious taxi driver who had now realised he was being stiffed outside, banging on the door.
Galactus stepped into his hallway and pulled out his akimbo Glock pistols and started to creep upstairs towards his room.
"YOU DONT KNOW WHOSE HOUSE YOU HAVE BROKEN INTO, LEAVE NOW AND YOU WONT HAVE TO FACE MY RIGHTEOUS JUSTICE" he called into his bedroom through the ajar door.
Nobody responded.
Galactus kicked down his door and started firing at the perpetrator who dodged each bullet as if he was moving in slow motion.
"Stop Mr Rockhopper, I'm no enemy"
"How do you know my name?" asked Galactus.
"My name is Michael Davidson, head of The Agency"
Galactus began to lower his weapons slightly, intrigued by this stranger in his home.
"You are Humphrey Wilfred Rockhopper, AKA Galactus. No need to introduce yourself, we have been keeping tabs on you since you defeated The Vaccumist". said Michael
"So what I'm under arrest or something? FOR SAVING THE FUCKING PLANET"
Michael checked his notes.
"I can't arrest you because in 2018 you got sacked from being a prisoner and now you only get punished by being forced to get jobs but that doesn't seem to work either cause you end up getting sacked by them too" explained Michael.
"So... What do you want from me?"
"I want you to give working life one more chance. I'd like to other you a job"
"For what"
"I will explain at HQ"
Before Galactus can protest, Michael through a mitre wide metal disc on the floor of Galactus's room.
"Get on" Michael demanded
Galactus reluctantly stepped on the round device. Michael pressed a button on his watch and the room lit up with an electrical, lightning-like glow. and the pair were instantly teleported to the Agency HQ. The HQ was a high-tech warehouse-like building, but there were no windows. There seemed to be a section that had been organised into an office, with banks of computers and people working at them. The warehouse section was full of futuristic technology. Galactus saw some examples like a see-through lampshade, a brushless toothbrush and a PcCwith an RTX 4091 which impressed Galactus the most.
"This is the Agency HQ. We are fully funded by the UK government, all off-the-books of course. We keep tabs on powerful or skilled people, mainly The Balds™. Of course, you probably already know who they are." monologues Michael
"Yes, Bald Ben was my boss actually, he sacked me down at David Choo's" explained Galactus
"Ah I see you're kind of familiar, we can't work with them anymore due to their unpredictable nature and pure laziness. Technically I am one of The Balds™, most of them all act weird cause of their DNA but I'm fairly normal. I never hit Bald puberty so I never fully developed my abilities, only slightly in intellect" Said Michael.
Galactus didn't care. he looked across the office and saw a stone plaque. It was a memorial of fallen agents.
"Who were they?" asked Galactus.
"These are the only soldiers we've ever lost. Ace, a crack pilot. Mask, he was a fantastic undercover agent. And Overwatch, the greatest sniper the world has ever seen. We lost all of them in an operation in North Korea".
"What happened in North Korea?" Questioned Galactus
"Classified I'm afraid. If you take the job one day you might get to know, but we can't risk you compromising us any more than we already are" dismissed Michael.
Michael escorted Galactus into a private office.
"Listen. I don't want to recruit you in all honesty, but you're the only guy we can think of who will help start my latest project".
"What's the project?" asked Galactus
"Well... you saw the memorial. We're short of a field task force at the moment, we lost all our best in the North Korea operation, so we need new blood, hopefully, stronger too"
"What if I say no?" asked Galactus
"Nothing really. We will wipe your memory and send you home. But then you'd be after the deadbeat criminals like old times. Table scraps vs the big leagues" asked Michael.
"What's in it for me?" asked Galactus.
"15000 a year and a yearly 50 billion budget for your team" says Michael.
"And...?" asked Galactus
Michael sighed.
"Fine we will tell NATO to drop your worldwide cinema ban so you can go see superhero movies again" Said Michael
"I'm in"
"Great. Let me introduce you to our first candidate"
Michael walked Galactus towards his quarters. Michael opened the door to the common room where a man was already sitting on the sofa.
"Allow me to introduce you to Grant Bedford AKA The Inhuman Arachnid".
Galactus's face lit up.
"GRANT WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN! I HAVENT SEEN YOU SINCE MY DAD KICKED YOU OUT THE HOUSE WHEN WE WAS LIKE 22 OR SOMETHING" Shouted Galactus
"I- I was to scared to come back after he said I have been there for 2 weeks and need to go home" Said Grant in a scared voice.
"You're the inhuman arachnid? how did that happen?" Questioned Galactus.
"After your dad kicked me out when we was playing heroes, I was lost and really wanted to be spider man like really bad, so I spent my time eating spiders near power plants but it never worked and the security wouldn't let me in. I researched weak security power plants and found one in Brazil, I spent the last of my money for a return ticket I found the nearest power plant and jumped in the toxic waste and gained my spider abilities" explained Grant.
"What powers do you have?" asked Galactus
"I got six extra arms but ummm... they're spider size. and I am really good at pretending to be an ant, nobody has fell for it yet as I am human sized but I will keep trying. What about you? what can you do?" said Grant.
"I'm good with guns, I can use forcefields. here watch this. FORCEFIELD ACTIVATE!" Galactus shouted. He started making a weird noise with his mouth imitating a force field opening. Unfortunately for Galactus, he didn't actually have any powers at all, his delusions were simply too far gone.
"WOW! That's so cool!" said the equally delusional Inhuman Arachnid.
Days later Galactus, finally made it back to Chester, he had to walk from London, where the agency HQ was, as Michael didn't let him use the teleporter as it cost the taxpayer 100 billion to use once. Galactus didn't see anything wrong with it as he had never paid taxes before, but his arguments fell on deaf ears. As Galactus had no mates to join his team and no idea how to assemble a team of people, he started putting flyers out about the superhero team he was making.
The posters read "Super secret superhero team. if you got powers come meet me at my house. there will be cheese and wine" Galactus added his full address onto the flyers around the city.
He started roaming around the city, asking random people to join him, but constantly being turned down by "mere mortals" who all thought he was deranged. As Galactus was about to give up he heard a noise in the distance. It was the low, resonant hum of a didgeridoo, and it was being played by a muscular man with skinny legs in a plain white shirt which said "what the fuck are you looking at" on the back and black cargo pants. The man continued playing his digeridoo down until he stopped at Galactus approached.
"Who are you?" Asked Galactus
"I am Grey-Ham"
"Do you wan-" Galactus started to ask but he was cut off by Grey-Ham mid sentence.
"Fine if it will stop your incessant begging I will tell you my life story. I am Grey-Ham, My father was a short and fragile man, My mother, Tall and tough as nails. They procreated during a full moon and it made me! Greeeyyy-Haamm, I travel with my trusty digeridoo roaming the wilds searching for people in need of my wisdom and of course my stories, A god I am not unless you class godlyness in good looks" Grey-Ham looks as if there is a camera there smiles as his teeth cartoonishly twinkle.
"I was brought up in wars. My most recent being of the hispi cabbage, I saw so many die, many lives lost due to my own actions. Even though the righteous won, because of all the death, evil prevailed. I vowed to never use violence again, only my wisdom and charm to help others, I have hiked many years across the globe in search of peace, but maybe finding you is a sign, Galactus I saw your battle with Genesis in the flames of my campfire. My elder has asked me to help you... The chosen one" Monologued Grey-Ham
Galactus thought since nobody else had offered to join he may as well recruit the local crackhead.
"Very well Grey-Ham welcome to the team"
"May I ask you something Galactus? I have been in many teams in my time some good and regrettably some bad I see something in you, you fight for passion... FOR THE WORLD. I need to know, does this team have a name? It must be chronicled." Asked Grey-Ham.
"We are... the Avengers" Said Galactus.
"Hold it right there buddy The Avengers was trademarked in 1969 by Marvel. Nice try at plagiarism.
Reminds me of way back when, when me and the tribe members started writing plays for our final in drama, this guy, I hated him. The name was Shakesphere or something, I finished writing my play called Gnomeo and Juliett, which was of course about these two Gnomes who wanted to fuck. He st-" Monologued Gray-Ham before he too was cut off.
"Shut the fuck up fine, ummmm right how about The Revengers" Said Galactus
"Fair enough" Said Grey Ham.
Galactus pointed at a map to show Grey-Ham where the HQ was and told him to head over there while he formed the rest of the team. A few days later, while gaming, Galactus heard an aggressive knock on his door. He assumed it was the angry taxi driver coming back again, So he loaded up his sawed-off shotgun ready to blow his face off. Luckily for the man knocking, Galactus used his "Galactus X-ray vision" to see who was on the other side (The door peephole). What he saw was not the taxi driver, but a young man aggressively knocking. Galactus answered.
"Why the fuck are you knocking like that?" said Galactus, irritated.
"Humphrey! it's time to give up the house!" Shouted the knocking man.
Without a second thought, the man punched Galactus so hard he flew over rows and rows of buildings, soaring for miles. He landed in the river next to Chester meadows, the same place where the famous violin man battle happened. He swam to shore and shook the water off of his sopping-wet trenchcoat.
"What the fuck that fucking hurt you nincompoop" shouted Galactus.
The mystery attacker floated through the sky towards where Galactus had landed.
"You don't remember me, do you|? IF YOU EVER GAVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT ME THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED" Said the man.
Galactus pulled his shotgun out of his trench coat and shot the man in the chest, but it had absolutely no effect at all. The man quickly closed the distance between them and grabbed Galactus by the throat and flew him to the stratosphere in mach speed.
"Who the fuck even are you man?" Said Galactus in his lispy voice.
"I am Jonah. JONAH ROCKHOPPER! Your brother! the child you put into adoption on a whim you dirty scumbag" Said Jonah while punching Galactus in the face.
"Listen pal, don't wanna mess with me I defeated Genesis" explained Galactus.
"No you didn't just as he was about to kill you a fucking anvil fell on his head. YOU DID NOTHING YOU USELESS FUCK" Screamed Jonah as he pummelled Galactus back down to earth and into the ground.
Galactus was now lying in a huge crater coughing up blood barely able to breathe, the only thing that kept him alive was his ballistic vest that somehow took most of the shockwave and the punches, although to be fair, Jonah was toying with him.
"It's ironic. You're a bum with no powers, and here I am, a normal lad who got them by our friendly government" Mocked Jonah.
Unfortunately for Jonah, he had thrown Galactus by the Slippy Peanut, not only that, it was next to the bins... The man who lived opposite was a bin man known only as "Crazy Man" he hated his job and most of all, bins. Crazy Man stormed out of his house screaming at Jonah and Galactus.
"I JUST FUCKING TAKEN THEM OUT YOU PAIR OF TWATS"
Without hesitation Crazy Man punched Jonah so hard it fractured the reality of space and time itself, warping him through dimensions of the omniverse, he was punched so hard he even sees his whole life from birth to end. The crushing weight of reality sealed itself back up and Jonah flew so far he hit the surface of the planet Mercury creating a cartoonish shaped crater of an outline of him.
Crazy Man walked up to Galactus.
"RIGHT YOU'RE FUCKING TURN NOW MATE" Screamed Crazy Man.
"WAIT" Begged Galactus.
In an unforeseen and unimaginable amount of generosity, Crazy Man stopped to listen.
"I didn't want to destroy the bins he threw me into them" apologised Galactus.
"FAIR PLAY MATE LOOKS LIKE IT CONSIDERING THE CRATER AROUND YOU" Said Crazy Man.
Galactus struggled to get up, but once he had, he approached crazy man.
"Fancy a job, not taking out bins" Says Galactus.
"IF I DON'T HAVE TO SORT OUT BINS I'M IN" shouted Crazy Man in his constantly aggressive tone.
"Sound" Said Galactus pointing him to HQ.
Galactus remembered he had an appointment at a local hospital. He had actually acquired some fans after defeating Genesis and was due to meet a make-a-wish child at the Chester hospital. Immediately he hops on the temporary Galactus mobile (A BMX spray painted black) and made his way there.
When he arrived at the ward, he pretended to make conversation with his assigned child, but he was soon distracted by the shiny head of a bald wheelchair bound child. He walked over to the boy and read his notes. His name was Daniel Clarke, and he was suffering from ankle cancer.
"Professor X! It's a pleasure to meet you!" Said an excited Galactus.
The child rolled his eyes at Galactus and started to cough up flehm and blood.
"This is no place for you lets get you out of here" Said Galactus as he wheeled him out the hospital.
Galactus tied the wheelchair to his BMX, pulled out his mobile phone and called Michael Davidson.
"Michael you never guessed what I got professor X" Said Galactus "I Rescued him".
"Galactus no. no you didn't that's a child suffering with cancer Galactus put him back where you found him" demanded Michael.
"YOU SAID YOU TRUSTED ME" Screamed Galactus.
Michael sighed.
"Ok fine take him to HQ we will get him hooked on our life support it should help him." Said Michael.
Galactus took the child all the way through the country to London, peddling the entire way, even managing to surpass the famous "Slider Johnson" who was guarding a bridge on the motorway. 2 days later Galactus and Professor X arrived at HQ.
Galactus joins Michael and the team in the dormitories.
"I think we have our full team. We have the Revengers" Said Galactus.
"Not quite" said Michael.
Michael pointed at the empty unfurnished locker and bed.
"You need one more, there is only 5 of you to defeat the oncoming threat we need 6 of you" Explained Michael.
"I got the best heroes in Chester with me if that's not good enough for you I think we should find a new agency" Said Galactus.
Michael took in a deep breath holding back his frustrations towards Galactus.
"I will find your 6th member for you, I didn't want to do this but this guy I have been keeping tabs on is a Bald but I have no Baldwaves emanating from him. He is a threat level Sunday so considering the people you decided to bring here he might fit in" Explained Michael.
"Whats his name?" Asked Galactus.
"Bald Jack" Said Michael.
"Never heard of him" Said Galactus.
"He is part of the trio but weirdly lacking any strength or Bald skills he is weirdly responsible for the highest death toll, some say by accident some say he is the devil, the Japanese tend to call him the Akuma". Explained Michael.
"Maybe he will be useful" Said Galactus.
"Go get him, the fate of the entire omniverse rests on this team" Said Michael.
"Before I go I have a question" Asked Galactus.
"What is it" Said Michael
"My brother mentioned the government gave him powers when he tried to scrap me," said Galactus.
"Ay, I saw that fight on the cameras. I’ll be honest, I didn’t trust you. You were the black sheep of your honourable family. Due to your elders’ honour and success, they were top candidates to be where you are right now but lacked... How do I put this?... Drive, like you did. When your brother came of age, you had defeated Genesis. To get him on our side and make him effective, we injected Genesis’ DNA into your brother," explained Michael.
"And?" asked Galactus.
"He went haywire, lived with the rage of what you did to him, found out everything about you, and wanted to exterminate you. I think you spending all of his trust fund finally ticked him off," said Michael.
"Finders keepers," said Galactus with a smirk.
"It was tight, to be fair. He could’ve been the perfect candidate for the 6th member," said Michael.
After this exposition drivel, Galactus did another walk to Chester. Sick of this continuous journey and dealing with that guy who kept guarding that bridge, he stole the teleportation device. Bald Jack was located in a Nando’s, having a meal with his ex-wife and trying to rekindle their failing relationship. Galactus was sick of this recruiting campaign and wanted it over quickly. He pulled out his Glocks and stormed in, fully aware of Bald Jack’s death toll.
"EVERYONE GET THE FUCK DOWN RIGHT NOW!" screamed Galactus.
The whole restaurant’s occupants hid under the tables. Galactus approached Bald Jack under the table and courageously pointed his pistols at the unarmed man.
"Bald Jack, you will join my team," said Galactus.
"Fella, I don’t know what you want from me. I’m just a lowly mortal, haha," said Bald Jack, panting.
"LIAR," shouted Galactus as he shot off his ex-wife’s kneecap.
She screamed in agony.
"Hey, stop it. There’s no need for that. Why can’t we all just be civil here?" explained Bald Jack in a terrified tone.
"YOU AREN’T A MORTAL. YOU HAVE KILLED THOUSANDS," shouted Galactus.
Bald Jack pulled out his handkerchief from his sleeve, wiping away his tears.
"Buddy, please don’t hurt my wife again. Take me instead. I don’t know what you’re talking about," cried Bald Jack.
Just as Galactus came up with the amazing conclusion that this Bald Jack was a pussy, an ex-Nando’s staff member walked in to beg for his job back and noticed the commotion. This wasn’t any ex-staff member. This was Xavier the dogman, famous from the annoying blog site called CrapChester for constantly pissing on the tables to claim them as territory, eating the guests’ food, or, if they were lucky, just going on all fours and begging for it. He also had the head of a black Labrador, and nobody knew why nor questioned it. Xavier had a thought: maybe he could get his job back if he defeated this sick, twisted bastard. Xavier ran on all fours, growling at Galactus, and bit into his arm, almost tearing it off.
Angry and in pain, Galactus aimed his guns at Xavier and fired relentlessly. All shots hit. Galactus walked up to what seemed to be Xavier’s corpse. The dogman got up, his dog instincts giving him a last stand, and he chewed off Galactus’ Adam’s apple. Galactus fell to the floor, choking on his own blood as his vision turned black. Xavier also collapsed, eyes filling with darkness as death gripped them both in her grasp. Months passed, and the crime rates actually improved since Galactus was no longer around to make things worse. More months passed. And more.
Galactus finally awoke, breathing his first breath of air in months. He was connected to a life support machine next to Professor X (permanently on it or he would die) and none other than Xavier. Galactus got up, reached into his gadget pouch (inside pocket), and pulled out a pair of scissors to cut the wire of Xavier’s life support. Michael walked in.
"Seems like the both of you recovered well," said a sarcastic Michael.
Galactus sneakily put his scissors away.
"You got the wrong guy, Michael. It’s Bald Jack we needed. Not this freak of nature," said Galactus.
"I have feelings. Dog feelings. Very sensitive ones, like," expressed Xavier as he came to.
"My recent studies suggest Bald Jack is a fake Bald. He cut his own hair off to fit in as he has no mates," said Michael.
"Why did you bring him in? He almost killed me," said Galactus.
"He did kill you, Galactus. In fact, you killed each other. That makes you almost the most qualified, Xavier," said Michael, winking at the freak of nature of a dog.
"How long was I out?" asked Galactus.
"Six months. Believe me, you owe the country back if you count how much it cost to bring you two back to life—not to mention the teleporter you stole, Galactus," said Michael.
The whole team grouped up for their first meeting, being met with the true extent of why The Revengers had to be formed. Michael, on the huge screen, showed a magnified object on a trajectory toward Earth—specifically Chester itself.
"What is that?" asked Xavier.
"Hahaha, God, you’re so new to this hero stuff. That’s obviously the supervillain we have to fight," said Galactus in a sarcastic tone.
"RIGHT, LADS, LET’S JUST FUCKING HEAR THIS GUY OUT. WE HAVE BEEN STUCK IN THIS UNDERGROUND BUNKER FOR FUCKING MONTHS NOW BECAUSE YOU TWO DECIDED TO FUCKING KILL EACH OTHER, YOU PAIR OF FUCKING TROGLODYTE PRICKS," said Crazy Man calmly.
"Uhm, thank you, Crazy Man. Anyway, Galactus is right. This, as our research shows, is the emperor of Oxryn himself, on a one-way flight to us," explained Michael.
"His name is Keks Kacksar, and if you thought Genesis was powerful, you’ve got one angry motherfucker avenging this cunt," said Michael.
"Well, if he tries to kill my people, slaughter my men—I don’t care if it is you, Xavier—but the rest of you.
I will The Revengers you," said Galactus heroically.
don't care if it is you Xavier but the rest of you.
I will The Revengers you". Says Galactus Heroically.
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