The Tale of Mitch Connor: Chapter 2 - The court of the Cellar Man
Mitch walked blind, feeling into the dark air of the cellar for minutes, turning into hours, days, and weeks. After a while, he felt around his surroundings, and due to building regulations, the notice signs also had brail, which Mitch had learned to read during his gap year for fun. He found a sign attached to the wall and felt the brail text, reading the words "Cellar Entrance". The exhausting hike had got him nowhere as he realised he had walking in small circles around the same pillar the whole time and was still right next to where he had been thrown. He finally noticed that there was a dead chef next to the cellar steps, who conveniently had a night porter's torch, gripped in his skeletal hand. With the light, he could see a door at the end of the corridor and slowly walked towards it through the damp cellar. Mitch reached the door, feeling the solid oak, and pushed against it, opening it to reveal a lit up hallway, lined with people wearing robes and lit torches on the wall. The hallway occupants all stared at him in a mix of surprise and shock.
"Ahhhhh The son of Si has finally fulfilled the prophecy and ventured down here to face his destiny, and the Cellar Man himself," said one of the robed men (they don't all talk like that this one is just autistic).
One of the robed men had a large, thick, golden chain, similar to that of Civil Regalia, Mitch assumed that this had to be the leader of the group, who was now walking towards Mitch to talk to him.
"Alright mate basically what he's saying is that you was due to come down here, it's said you will fight the cellar man and if you win right, we are all free to go, but if you lose we all die, you get me yeah?" The leader explained.
"I've heard that the Cellar Man eats babies and and has the gaul to ask for ketchup at maccies, There's no way I'm gonna take him on, he's hard A.F. from the rumours," Said Mitch
"HAHAHA, we was all staff food chefs like you before, but we failed in our mission to delight the workers here with good food" Said the leader
"What do you mean staff food? I don't do the staff food, I do functions like weddings and that" Said Mitch in a confused voice.
"Oh. he still hasn't told you?"
"you're just a bunch of losers! They wouldn't give me the budget to make fine dining food for just staff, I work with only the finest ingredients! smiley faces, turkey dinosaurs, beans and microwave mash for god's sake!" shouted Mitch
"I feel like you've lived so long you still believe £2 is a lot of money," said the leader.
"It is! I dont get paid 50p a year for nothing like! I regularly work with ingredients worth 5 years of my wage!" Brags Mitch.
The whole robed court laughed hysterically at Mitch, but Mitch shrugged it off and stormed off, but he accidentally walked through the Cellar Man's door. Before he realised what he had done, the door slammed shut behind him. The room was a sparsely filled office type of room, with little to see apart from a plastic table and set of chairs in the middle of the room. Mitch also noticed a mini fridge quietly humming against the far wall. One of the chairs against the table were occupied.
The person on the chair was a bald-headed man who Mitch thought he recognised. He looked a lot like a reporter named Jack Smith, who used to frequent the restaurant, writing reviews for the local paper, but Mitch hadn't seen him in years, and that man had a full head of hair. The man was wearing a very nice suit, in a shiny beige colour, as well as polished black shoes. The man was also wearing a black eye patch, and something about it made Mitch uneasy.
"Well hello there Mitch please take a seat if you will" Said the man
Mitch sat down in the chair opposite the man only to be pranked by a whoopie cushion hidden under on the seat. Mitch was outraged, slamming the desk so hard with his fist that the whole desk split in half.
"Well that was a bit much over a harmless prank haha" Said the man.
"What the HELL are you doing down here! I know who you are Jack Smith! Food critics are NOT allowed in the staff area, and ESPECIALLY not in the Cellar Man's room" Mitch shouted at the man
"Jack Smith? Hmmm no. That's my... alternate's former name. He goes by Bald Jack now, and it seem's nowadays I go by the name "Cellar Man". I don't think I like that name, I always preferred the name... EVIL Bald Jack!" said Evil Bald Jack with eccentric flair
"Evil Bald Jack? I thought that you slipped on a banana peel and died" Said Mitch in an angry tone.
"Oh, I did die yes. But you see because of the Apocalyph and the dimensional merge, I was able to come back from the afterlife, after all, Hell itself is just another universe in the omni-versal spiral" Evil Bald Jack explained.
Mitch slumped in his chair, shocked at the revelation (and the spoiler for the next book in the "Tale of the Balds" series that hadn't even been written yet). Evil Bald Jack stood up and started slowly pacing around the table.
"I know a lot about you Mitch. You're a failure, You spent your whole life writing and producing literally all the popular music known today, yet nobody knows you. You have god-like powers but even your own father wouldn't let you be in the fumin' 5. He thought you were too stupid and weak to join the team to help sort out the apocolyph, and he STILL didn't want your help during the War of the Hispi cabbage! I mean it's so pathetic, he wouldn't take you, but he did take your wife!" taunted Evil Bald Jack
"Don't chat shit about Si lad! He's a legend! Just didn't want me to get hurt, I haven't even discovered my true potential yet, lad I'm about to take you to the afternoon tea section and make you a knuckle sandwich if you don't shut up" Screamed a devasted Mitch Connor, desperately trying to hide his hurt feelings.
Evil Bald Jack punched Mitch, knocking him out of the chair and onto the floor, where he started crying in pain.
"Waaaaaa, that proper hurt, waaaaa! What did you do that for!?!" he cried
"Pathetic," Said Evil Bald Jack in a smug tone, kicking Mitch on the ground.
Evil Bald Jack turned away from Mitch and began to tell him his grand evil plan. His plan was probably to get free Robux by putting hamsters in blenders or something who the fuck cares to be honest. While Evil Bald Jack was distracted Mitch crawled across the floor and opened the office door and screamed "I distracted him lads! fuckin rush him!"
The robed court sprinted in and began attacking Evil Bald Jack. Evil Bald Jack was instantly overwhelmed by the gang of men brutally beating him, and as he still hadn't recovered his power after escaping hell, he had no real defence to mount. Mitch walked over to his bruised, bleeding, and almost lifeless body and grabbed him by his ears, yanking on them as hard as he could. Evil Bald Jack began to scream in agony, but it didn't deter Mitch. Mitch ripped his head clean off and slammed it on a coat hook screwed onto the door before shoving his hand in Evil Bald Jack's gaping neck hole and used the blood to scrawl his own name onto the door to remind any others who would need to know that Mitch Connor was the one who defeated the cellar man.
Mitch turned to the Robed people and gave them a clear instruction
"Right, let's leg it"
They all sprinted out of the office and along the corridor to the main cellar door. Sprinting up the stairs, Mitch slammed into the door expecting resistance but he fell straight through and realised it had been unlocked the whole time.
"So nobody ever tried to just open the door?" asked Mitch.
"No" all the robed people responded.
"For fucks sake! I've been down here almost a year" Shouted Mitch.
They all ran out of the kitchen, kicking open the fire door and escaping the hotel, all apart from Mitch. Mitch stepped into the kitchen and saw Bar, sauteing some potatoes.
"Where the fuck have you been?" shouted Mitch
"Oh yalright Mitch? You've been gone ages! After Book shoved us in the cellar I just turned around and went back up the stairs. Where've you been?"
"No time for that Bar, Fuck off!" replied Mitch
Mitch ran out of the kitchen, further into the hotel, and straight up the stairs to Sis's office. Mitch opened the office door and found two of the Chefs, Clod and Teeth, sitting at the desk, doing mocking impressions of their bosses, Si and Book.
"WHERE IS SI" Screamed Mitch
Clod and Teeth screamed in panic before realising it was only Mitch.
"I think he went to check on Reyna. You went missing a year ago or something apparently" Said Clod
"Hahaha I bet she's getting a good right railing" said Teeth laughing, his enormous shiny teeth making it difficult for him to spit out each word
Mitch grabs Teeth and crushes his skull. His brain and blood exploded from his ears, nose and eye holes, splattering everywhere. Mitch heard footsteps coming up the stairs behind him and saw Tye, one of Si's closest advisors and chefs.
"CHEEEFFF why did you doooo thaaaaat" Said Tye, whining and waving his arms around.
"Bloody 'ell, no need for that" said Clod, covered in Teeth's innards
"Right! My office chef, I need a word" said Tye.
Tye and Mitch went back into the kitchen and opened the door to the walk-in freezer.
"Right sit down please chef" asked Tye
Mitch pushed a bag of frozen peas off of a box of other frozen ingredients and perched himself on the edge of the box.
"Right chef, You can't just go around popping chefs' heads like that Chef, especially over a joke chef, it's not on chef, I get we are mates chef, but you can't use your powers willy nilly chef, you need to be responsible" explained Tye, giving Mitch a verbal warning
"Come on Tye he was being proper sly, and being locked in the cellar for almost a year can make a guy cranky" pleaded Mitch
"I get that chef I understand, but I need you to bring him back to life and we can forget about this ever happening chef" negotiated Tye.
Mitch sighed and gave in to Tye's demands. They left Tye's "office" and went back to Si's office, where Teeth's mutilated corpse lay on the floor. Mitch began to rub his hand's together as he started an incantation.
"AwubabubababababAWUB" Mitch muttered while casting the spell.
Teeth's body began to shake violently as his muscles spasmed randomly, his eyelids opened to reveal white eyes with no pupils. Teeth screamed a guttural, demonic scream as his eyes rolled back to where they should be. He was alive once again, and in good condition too, minus a few bruises and scratches. He got back on his feet and playfully punched Mitch on the arm, annoyed.
"Mitch you need to stop fucking killing us over miner things" Teeth complained
"ugh 'Mitch you need to stop fucking killing me over minor things cause I'm just a little bitch who can't self revive and will cry otherwise' Grow up you fucking pussy" mocked Mitch in a nerd's voice.
Mitch left the hotel and walked home, when he put his key in the door, he found that the house was already unlocked, he stepped inside. but could hear moaning and grunting noises coming from upstairs, so he ran upstairs to see what was going on. He kicked the door of his bedroom open and there was his wife Reyna, whipping a gagged Si who was tied to their marital bed. Unfortunately for Mitch, he is unable to even perceive the possibility of his wife cheating on him, especially not with his father, so instead of seeing the interaction as sexual, he only sees it in an aggressive way.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THAT MAN" Shouted Mitch as he shoved Reyna off Si and untied his old naked body from the bed.
Reyna (who has superpowers as well by the way) used her stretching ability to punch Mitch from across the room, however unlike most people with stretching powers, her body lacked any sort of pain tolerance to the elasticity, so she immediately began screaming in agony as she felt her body stretching as if her arm was being torn off. Mitch dodged the punch and threw a cuck chair at her, knocking her back to the corner. Now released from his consensual bindings, Si summoned his iconic chef whites and cloak and stopped the fight.
"Right stop it you two this is just a big misunderstanding," said Si
"Don't defend her! She was trying to Kill you Si" moaned Mitch
"No no Mitch it was a ummm... a rehearsal for our play! It's about the war of the hispi cabbage" Reyna said while winking at Si.
"So beat the cellar man have you?" Si asked, distracting his son and changing the conversation
"Yeah absolutely buggerd him" Mitch said proud of himself while shadowboxing, showing off his awful martial arts skills.
Mitch stopped making a show of himself and asked Si an important question.
"Why did Book send me there?" Says Mitch
"We were watching you. You needed to realise your true potential to join the 5 Mitch, and unfortunately, the act of pretending the be hurt so others can do the work won't make you a solid fit for the team, so unfortunately, we cannot offer you a position in the Fumin' 5 at this time" said Si.
Mitch sighed. "I guess you're right Si".
Mitch went for a walk to clear his head. As he closed the front door on his house he could hear the grunting again, so he left his dad and wife to their rehearsals. He reached a local park, and sat on a bench next to the canal, looking into the water at his own face staring back. A tear rolled down his cheek, falling from his face and hitting the reflection, making ripples in the water. As he looked at the ripples, they began to take a strange shape, forming letters. A message formed from the distorted waves saying "You must stop the new member of the fumin' 5".
Mitch got on his knees and screamed at the canal "WHO IS IT!" but the canal could not reply on account of it being a canal. Mitch noticed a confused dog walker staring at him, so he growled and snarled at her then started to bark and chase her to scare her off.
Later that evening, Mitch returned home and got into bed to read the newspapers to get caught up with what had been going on the past year while he was in the cellar. Most of the headlines were boring, but some of the more notable headlines including:
"Evil alien disguised as superhero killed by Galactus, local low life"
"Nose retires from the Fumin' 5, God's and powered people wanted for replacement"
"Life after the apocolyph - how to find out you're not the doppelganger"
"Violin man caught trying to escape space prison, again!"
"The Fumin' 5: Apocolyph, coming to cinemas near you"
"Crikey, a lot has happened," thought Mitch.
Mitch scrunched the newspaper up into a ball and tossed it into the corner of his bedroom for Reyna to clean up later. He turned over to face Reyna.
"Fancy a shag?" he asked her, randily.
She rolled her eyes and took off her top, turning over so Mitch could take off her bra. He fumbled around with the buckle for 15 minutes, before chewing the elastic off of the clasp, letting it fall open. He began to aggressively rub her thigh (believing it to be her clitoris), before she put her hand on his shoulder to interrupt him.
"I want some foreplay first" said Reyna.
"Ugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fine" said Mitch.
He got out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. He came back up moments later with the supplies he needed. He took out a bottle of peanut oil and began to rub it on Reyna's belly, slowly massaging it into her. The oil began to sizzle.
"Ouch" said Mitch "it must be ready".
He cracked an egg over her belly, letting it drip out of the shell onto her and start to fry in the oil, and he paired the egg with some sausages and bacon which also began to cook. Reyna moaned and told Mitch she was ready. Mitch took off the cling film that he uses for a belt and pulled out his short, withered cock. He then placed it into Reyna's ear and let out a torrent of piss. She climaxed and Mitch lay down next to her. Mitch grabbed one of the sausages and bit it in half, chewing it as he asked Reyna a question that had been bothering him all day.
"Why did you gag Si and strap him down if you were rehearsing a play?" Asked Mitch
"It was an inside joke from when the Mongolian chefs kidnapped Si" lied Reyna
"Ah, fair doos," said Mitch.
Reyna ignored him
"Well, Goodnight!" says Mitch
Reyna ignored him again
"I love you," Says Mitch
And again Reyna ignored him.
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