THE DISASTROUS TALE OF THE BALDS.
CHAPTER 18: BUCCANEERS
Bald Leon, Bald Ben, Gerkin and Bald Jack sat in the living room of Bald Ben's old house. In the time since Bald Ben had lived there, a new family had moved in, but the Balds had thrown them out just before Evil Bald Jack had begun his conquest across the world in the Final War. The Balds had left the agency for good, partly because they had learned not to trust them, but mainly because the headquarters and infrastructure had been completely destroyed. They had lost contact with their new friends and antiverse variants, who had all scattered to the four winds the second the conflict started, laying low for their own survival, knowing it was only a matter of time before Evil Bald Jack would come for them, but the core Balds had no such worries. Bald Leon was annoyed that his Grandfather had selfishly been killed, and was sulking as a coping mechanism. Bald Ben was annoyed at bald Leon for not listening to him, and once again being dragged into another fight he couldn't be arsed with. He also knew that Bald Leon would almost certainly be coming up with some way to beat Evil Bald Jack, something he also couldn't be arsed helping with. Bald Jack had been watching the news and was blaming himself for everything Evil Bald Jack was doing. He was in a constant state of shock and guilt, and it had been made clear to everyone that when Evil Bald Jack split from him, he took all of the ambition with him, leaving Bald Jack as a hopeless, worthless, and guilt filled shell. Gerkin didn't know what to think. Across his many lives he had seen many dictators rise and fall, but never anything like this. Sure there had been many "world conquerors" before, but none of them had ever been this successful, in the past, these conquerors had been brought down by their own ambition, but Evil Bald Jack had the power to back up his ambition, so Gerkin was simply unable to predict what was going to happen.
As the war spread across the globe, the Balds cut themselves off from the world, scarcely leaving the house, never opening the curtains, and wallowing in filth that would usually have been cleaned by the perfectionist Bald Jack, but due to his state he rarely left the cupboard he was using as a bedroom.
In the final days of the war, the world rejoiced. There was a day of celebration, but not even this could draw the balds from their domicile. The day after the celebrations, Evil Bald Jack made his announcement to the world.
"Congratulations everyone. I am proud to have served with you in our great struggle against the ruling classes. In this time of transition, your control will be handed back to you, but under close observation. By this, I mean that you will all be free to return to whatever democratic election scheme your country has already been using, and if you do not have one already, one will be provided for you. The observation aspect of that statement refers to a few small policies we have to enact to ensure our peace is everlasting. Any individual wishing to become a democratically elected leader must meet a list of criteria I have drafted. They must also report to the League so that we can ensure that there are no clashes with foreign policy, you of course have my word that any interference will be minor of course. Secondly, we will also be monitoring your political policies to ensure that nothing is enacted that could destabilise our peace. Over the next 2 hours, I will explain what can and cannot be allowed in our new regime, and I-"
Bald Leon turned off the TV and through the remote at the screen, which bounced off and hit Bald Jack in the head.
"He is so full of shit! Of course, he is gonna interfere the twat, and he killed my grandad, fucking wanker. FUCK YOU BALD JACK" shouted Bald Leon, pointing at the scratched TV Screen, and then at Bald Jack
"I'm sorry Bald Leon. OH GOD IT'S ALL MY FAULT" he screamed before running away sobbing
"You do realise it isn't actually him, right?" asked Gerkin
"Yeah but Evil Bald Jack isn't here for me to shout at and he is" explained Bald Leon
"I can't help but feel this is partly our fault. What should we do?" asked Gerkin
"Fuckin Nothing" stated Bald Ben
"What lad?" asked Bald Leon
"I said fucking nothin! I'm sick of fighting just because you've decided some bell end needs showing what's what. Shit happens. Deal with it!" shouted an exasperated Bald Ben
"Gerkin's right! We helped the Agency make Evil Bald Jack, so we have to kill the wanker, ESPECIALLY SINCE HE KEEPS INTERUPTING EMMERDALE WITH FUCKING ANNOUNCEMENTS" screamed back Bald Leon, putting his foot through Bald Ben's flat screen TV.
"Right fuck this. I'm sick of the lot of you, fuck out of my gaff now" said Bald Ben
"come on fellas we can talk about this" pleaded Gerkin
"No. Fuck off" he said before picking up Gerkin by the scruff of his neck and putting him out of the front room bay window.
Bald Leon simply stared Bald Ben down, before turning round and leaving of his own accord.
Gerkin climbed up onto Bald Leon's shoulder as the pair began to walk away down the road.
"We better find somewhere to stay sharpish, curfew is soon and we can't be on the streets" said Bald Leon quietly
"Yeah, Maybe we can find some abandoned place, I can't believe he was arguing with you and threw us both out even though I've said nothing, but he lets Bald Jack stay. Not fair" complained Gerkin
As Gerkin finished his sentence they heard the smashing of glass and the crashing of wood, as Bald Jack's cupboard had been thrown out of the upstairs window by Bald Ben, with Bald Jack still in it.
"Oh fair enough, Not as arsed now" said Gerkin
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Bald Jack crawled out of the dilapidated cupboard and apologised to Bald Ben for breaking his window, before scurrying away to catch up with Bald Leon and Gerkin.
"Any idea where we're gonna stay?" Gerkin asked
"I don't care anymore" complained Bald Jack, beginning his emo phase
"I'm thinking the main high street, there will be plenty of abandoned buildings we can stay in there" explained Bald Leon
Bald Leon was right. As the trio arrived in the city centre, they looked around at the once bustling high street, which was full of abandoned units, however, very few were empty, as they had all been taken over by squatters. They walked the full length of the street searching for a suitable unit, and they came across a closed-down JJB Sports, a business which had been closed down since 2012, and the fact that no other shop had taken over the unit in that time showed the level of demand for retail space in the city. Bald Leon lifted up the metal shutters on the store to find a group of squatters in the store, who began to shout at Bald Leon to "fuck off" explaining that they had "squatters' rights". Bald Leon ignored them and chinned the leader of the group, with the rest quickly scurrying away to avoid a beating.
"Bald Jack, start dusting, this place is a fucking shit hole" instructed Bald Leon
"Yes Bald Leon, sorry about all this," said a still sniffling Bald Jack
"What are we gonna do Bald Leon?" asked Gerkin
"We're gonna leave this shithole for one" stated Bald Leon
"Are you sure? I know none of us really have any roots here, but this city isn't too bad" said Gerkin
"Nah not the city. England. Evil Bald Jack is gonna make this whole country his HQ since he owns everything now he can just make anything whatever he wants it to be, that means he's probably gonna pave over every field in the country to surround his HQ with enough military installations to keep the world in martial law, we need to get somewhere far away from the stronghold of his influence" explained Bald Leon
"Australia! Can't get further from here than Australia" shouted Gerkin
"Nah. Too many Australians," said Bald Leon
"What about America then?" asked Gerkin
"Are you taking the piss? Yanks are worse than the convicts. Although now that you mention it, Canada's like a less shit America. That would work. But how we gonna get there?" said Bald Leon
"All the airports are closed, and everything coming in or out by boat is being triple-checked by the army, so if we do it, we will have to get ourselves there, without any help," said Gerkin
"Me and Bald Ben took a plane in the last book, and we can't use the same idea twice, so it's gonna have to be a boat" Said Bald Leon, completely glossing over his awareness of the 4th wall
The sun dipped below the horizon as Bald Leon finalised their plans, and by morning they were ready to take action. Through the diminishing cover of sunrise as dawn approached, they took off from the city centre, and to the nearby city of Liverpool in Merseyside. Severe restrictions on rail travel had been implemented since the domination by Evil Bald Jack, meaning trains were only running once or twice a day, so they were able to use the cover of the underground train tunnels to safely get into the city centre without being spotted by any man or any of the Alatosh Industries drones which had been commandeered by Evil Bald Jack's new world order.
As they emerged from the train station, dawn had broken. Evil Bald Jack had allowed people to return to work to aid the world's crippled economy, so the group of rebellious balds were able to use the cover of the morning rush hour to get around the city, hidden in plain sight. They reached the historic Albert Dock, which had been converted back into a fully functional dockyard, importing and exporting materials for something in Evil Bald Jack's grand plan. The group surveyed the docked ships to work out their destinations, and boarded the ship that they worked out was crossing the Atlantic. It was many long hours in near complete silence before the ship eventually cast off, with the stowaways hidden aboard.
The trio had found an unlit metal compartment, larger than the average cupboard with enough room to fit 2-3 people at the very most. Bald Leon sat down in the compartment with his legs stretched wide, while Bald Jack cowered in the corner, scared of upsetting anyone. While the two bald men hid, Gerkin was sent out into the ship, showering the decks and gathering intel, as well as small amounts of supplies to last the journey across the ocean.
"Okay, so it's a pretty light crew, it looks like Evil Bald Jack has had as many humans taken off of the ship as possible, and most of the jobs are being handled by drones and robots. The security room is on the bridge, and I think we're either in or near to the brig, so there isn't a big chance anyone's gonna find us, but if there are less staff then there's gonna be less food so they might notice the supplies I've taken" explained Gerkin
"Bald Jack will just have to go hungry then so it's not as much missing" decided Bald Leon
Bald Jack looked up as if he was going to challenge the decision, but then decided to stare at his feet in defeat instead. They hunkered down and prepared for the 2-week trip across the ocean, taking the slim opportunities they could to stretch their legs and exercise. Gerkin continued to be an invaluable asset to the team constantly supplying them with the food they needed, but disaster struck when the ship was a mere 2 days away from its destination.
An alarm blared, echoing through the metal corridors of the ship. Bald Leon bolted upright as Gerkin scurried into their compartment, eyes wide with panic.
"They saw me! We've got to get the fuck out of here" Gerkin whispered urgently.
Bald Jack, trembling, managed to stand. "Where do we go?"
Gerkin pointed towards the lower deck. "There are maintenance shafts below the cargo hold. They should be empty."
They moved quickly, navigating the narrow passages with care, trusting Gerkin's sense of direction. They eventually reached the cargo hold, but as they arrived, so did the sound of heavy boots and robotic movements growing louder behind them. Gerkin located a small hatch and pried it open, revealing a cramped maintenance tunnel.
"Get in, quickly," Gerkin urged.
Bald Leon went first, followed by Bald Jack. Gerkin slid in last, pulling the hatch closed just as footsteps rounded the corner. The confined space was dark and suffocating, but it provided the cover they needed. They could hear the search team passing by, the sound of muffled voices and mechanical whirring fading away.
After a tense silence, Bald Leon spoke softly. "This is taking the piss now. We need to blow this fucker up."
Gerkin nodded. "Agreed. There must be a way to access the control systems. If we can shut down the drones, we might stand a chance."
The ship was eerily quiet as the group made their way towards the bridge. Gerkin led the way, followed by Bald Leon and Bald Jack, and they quickly found the control room. As they reached the control room door, Gerkin worked quickly, using tools he had scavenged to bypass the security lock. The door slid open with a soft hiss, revealing a room filled with monitors and control panels.
Bald Leon stepped inside, immediately heading for the main console. "I'll change the ships heading so it misses port and crashes into rocks or something haha"
"Haha nice one" said Gerkin, as he climbed onto the console, accessing the system with surprising ease. "I've got it. Drones are offline."
Bald Jack stood guard at the door, his eyes darting nervously. "Hurry up, guys."
Bald Leon started inputting commands to redirect the ship's course. As they worked, an alarm blared again. Bald Jack's face went pale. "They're onto us."
Bald Leon finished the last command. "Done. Let's move."
They bolted from the control room, racing through the ship, aiming for the main deck so they could steal a lifeboat. With the drones offline, their main obstacle was the human crew. They encountered a group of guards patrolling in response to the alarm, and Bald Leon and Gerkin lept into action. Bald Leon began to run towards the group, as Gerkin ran up Bald Leon's leg. Bald Leon stretched his arm out, allowing Gerkin to gain extra height to leap from Bald Leon onto an unsuspecting guard's face. Bald Leon began to use his mixed martial arts skills to take on multiple guards at once, easily disarming them of their guns and breaking their bones, leaving the entire group in a heap on the ground. Gerkin had finished fighting his guard, whose face was now chewed and mangled. The guard fell to the floor in shock as Gerkin spat out the tip of the man's nose.
Bald Jack threw up at the sight of this, but he had at least been useful enough to cast off the lifeboat while his partners were fighting. They all boarded the tiny ship and powered up the craft's engine, jetting off north from the cargo ships heading, aiming for the Canadian coast. Bald Leon, Bald Jack, and Gerkin watched as the ship they had commandeered grew smaller in the distance.
"We did it," Bald Jack said, a note of hope in his voice.
Bald Leon nodded. "But this is just the beginning. We have a war to win."
As the lifeboat hurtled towards their new destination, the trio steeled themselves for the battles ahead, united in their resolve to bring down Evil Bald Jack and restore freedom to their world.
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