THE DISASTROUS TALE OF THE BALDS.
CHAPTER 17: THE LEAGUE OF EVIL BALDS
Evil Bald Jack flew out of the facility, dropping Skinwalker Leon to the ground, but he paused before continuing.
"I need to get something before we go," he said to Skinwalker Leon
"I need to get something before we go," he said to Skinwalker Leon
He flew back into the hole and after a few minutes of gunfire and the cracking of thunder, Evil Bald Jack flew back out of the hole holding an Agency Laptop.
"This computer has a copy of the Bald tracking software. For what I've planned were gonna need more than just you and me" he explained to his silent accomplice.
Skinwalker Leon grunted at his partner knowingly, before the pair flew away to their new hideout. They had chosen an abandoned building in Bald Jack's hometown, and finding an abandoned building wasn't particularly difficult due to the mismanagement of city funds by the local council and the astronomically high rents leading to most units in the city being empty and open to squatters and looters. Skinwalker Leon and Evil Bald Jack broke into their chosen unit, "moved on" all of the resident squatters, and barricaded the door behind them. They began to set up the computer and bald tracking satellite uplink, allowing them to see all Balds on the planet, just like the agency.
Evil Bald Jack had the genius idea to cross-reference the software with live footage ripped from the UK's vast CCTV network, and by hacking into Alatosh Industries servers, one of the main suppliers and maintainers of this infrastructure, he could see every Bald in the country both on the satellite view map and up close through local cameras. Evil Bald Jack spent the next few hours scanning through and monitoring these balds, trying to assess which would be a good fit for his alliance. The nearest candidate was hanging around the local college, just outside the city limits, so it made the most sense to collect him first.
Skinwalker Leon was left to guard the base while Evil Bald Jack went out to meet the recruit, a local bully by the name of Vlad the Burner. Vlad the Burner was a tall and bulky man, far too old to be in the same classes as teenagers resitting their GCSEs, leaving Evil Bald Jack to assume that he must have failed his GCSEs at least 15 times. He wore a red jumper despite the hot weather and had short dark hair and a scraggly beard. Evil Bald Jack waited outside the college for the bell to ring, releasing the students back into the world, and when it rang he watched Vlad walk out of the school, but instead of holding a book bag, he was holding one of the school nerds by their underwear, which was tucked over the nerds head, acting as a handle to allow Vlad to carry him. Vlad threw the nerd down the stairs, breaking his teeth on the concrete stairs. Vlad then approached the still-collapsed nerd, pulled down the poor boy's pants and branded his ass cheek with a hot iron in the shape of the letter V.
"and that's why they call me the burner loser! Huh huh huh huh huh!" Laughed Vlad in his deep, gruff Mancunian accent.
The nerd got to his feet and scuttled off without a word, clutching his burned rump as he hobbled away.
"The Burner I presume?" asked Evil Bald Jack
"It's Vlad, and who's asking!?" shouted Vlad
"My name is Evil Bald Jack, I see you are quite talented at what you do and you seem to have a great capacity for evil deeds. I'd like to offer you a role in my team"
"Your first name is 'evil'? That's fucking gay. And in case you haven't noticed, I've got fucking hair you tit"
"Lad you look 40 and you're still in college, I'm gonna assume you're a fucking moron. A Bald is a human with special abilities, like a mutant, Your abilities seem to help you in bullying others... subjugating them, and I could use some skills like that. You'll be compensated handsomely of course. I need you to help me destroy the world, and rule whatever's left!"
"Hmm" pondered Vlad. "Fuck it, I'll do it. Anything to get out of the maths exam next week"
Evil Bald Jack led Vlad into the city centre and back to the hideout. Evil Bald Jack introduced Vlad to Skinwalker Leon and told them to get acquainted while he analysed the map to find the next appropriate Bald. The next closest candidate was easy to assess, as he was under the constant surveillance of several cameras. This candidate was inside an insane asylum and was being kept on constant watch due to his dangerous nature. It was slightly further away than the college had been, so Evil Bald Jack took to the skies, flying as the crow does across the country towards the mental health facility.
Evil Bald Jack touched down at the outer gate of the facility, and two orderlies came out to confront him, as they had seen Evil Bald Jack coming in and he was obviously a threat. They attempted to subdue Evil Bald Jack but with a flick of his wrist and a bolt of lightning, they had both disintegrated. He marched into the facility and ripped the front door off of its hinges, and began to track through the corridors, killing orderlies and interfering patients as he went.
He reached his target, a door which held a padded cell room. He carefully opened the door so as to not scare the occupant. The occupant was strapped to a bed in the middle of the cell, his hair and beard both long and messy, but his nails kept short to prevent him from arming himself. He was wearing a pair of custom glasses made by the asylum, free from glass and metal and entirely out of plastic, again, to prevent him from creating a weapon or tool to free himself. Evil Bald Jack noticed that the man had a glazed look behind his eyes as if he wasn't truly conscious. Upon closer inspection, he could see a tube feeding medication directly into the man's arm, keeping him sedated.
Evil Bald Jack ripped the tube out of the patient's arm, and after a few seconds of silence, he took a sharp intake of breath as he came back to consciousness. The patient's metabolism meant that without constant sedation, he was awake and alert almost instantly.
"Who are you?" asked the man.
"My name is Evil Bald Jack, I know who you are, and I know why they've kept you here... Violin Man".
Hearing his name sparked a glimmer in Violin Man's eye as if he had forgotten it until that very moment.
"Yes... I remember. The Pebbles... I had them... but they... they twisted my mind. And those Balds... they took them from me. Bald Leon... Bald Ben... and... YOU!"
He ripped free of his restraints and gripped Evil Bald Jack by his neck, lifting him off the ground. Evil Bald Jack didn't react or even choke. He placed his hands around Violin Man's neck and began to choke him too, lifting him into the air, while still floating himself, meaning both of them were now floating a foot off the ground. Violin Man's grip loosened as he began to asphyxiate, while Evil Bald Jack hadn't so much as coughed. Violin Man let go, and as a reward, Evil Bald Jack did the same, dropping him to the floor. Evil Bald Jack crouched down over Violin Man and began to whisper in his ear.
"No. Not me. My predecessor. I'm the first of a new type variant of the Bald Gene, created when the anti-verse was opened. I am the antithesis of the one you hate. Everything he is, I am not."
Violin Man caught his breath and rolled onto his back to look Evil Bald Jack in the eye and hear what he had to say.
"You want them gone?" He asked the menacing Bald.
"Not just them. I have far greater aspirations than just those fools."
"Get me my violin and you will get my help. Deal?"
Evil Bald Jack smiled as he helped Violin Man to his feet. The pair walked out of the building, collecting Violin Man's possessions as they left. Clutching his violin in one hand and his bag containing his possession in the other, Violin Man allowed himself to be lifted into the air by Evil Bald Jack, and the pair floated back to base.
Evil Bald Jack only wanted two more people for his team, and luckily the two best candidates were already acquainted with each other and working together. Evil Bald Jack flew to London to meet the two villains, a man who used fire to destroy his enemies and contribute to his obsession with the collection of metal, and a man whose obsession was in the vacuum of space, and wanting to bring that to the Earth. The Smelter and the Vacuumist had been in London for a while now, fighting another local Vigilante. Evil Bald Jack found them lurking in a back alley pub, discussing their plans to kill their enemy, the Cobbler.
"Do you not think you're setting the bar a little low for yourselves?" interrupts Evil Bald Jack, sitting down with the pair of villains, and bringing three beers with him.
"Who's asking you, cunt?" replied The Smelter
"An interested party. I've seen what the pair of you can do, the technology you possess, but you're applying it all wrong"
"What's wrong with what we're doing?" asked the Vacuumist
"Shut the fuck up you dickhead, what if he's a fed?" said The Smelter
"Nah, the fed's haven't got a clue" replied the Vacuumist
"If I may interject... Vacuum grenades? Melting Ladders to make small ingots? I mean come on guys. This technology could be used to destroy countries, conquer space, anything and everything! You just need someone with the mind to show you what... and how"
"Do you not think that if we could do those things we would be you fuckin bogan?" asked the Smelter
"And that's what I have to offer you. For example, no matter how hard you try, you can't melt steel. The very metal used in all of the planet's most rigid and essential structures and military installations. Do you want to melt steel? I'll give you the power." He then turned to look at the Vacuumist. "and you, you're vacuum technology is certainly impressive, but the stability of the field created by your vacuum grenades has an exponential decay rate. I'm sure you've noticed they get weaker and weaker the longer they're active. Well I can fix that too"
The two villains looked at each other and without speaking a word, they came to a decision. They both nodded at Evil Bald Jack.
"Come along then gentlemen, welcome to the League of Evil Balds!"
Hours later, the trio arrived at the headquarters of the League of Evil Balds, which was now full of villains. Vlad the Burner, The Vacuumist, Skinwalker Leon, Violin Man and The Smelter sat around the room watching their new leader explain the plan.
"The United Nations."
"What?" asked The Vacuumist.
"The United Nations is holding a summit in the UK as we speak. It's about climate change or war or some other crap, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that it's one of the largest gatherings of world leaders. The most powerful people in the world all in one room. We take that room... We take the world" explained Evil Bald Jack
"It's genius. No one would dare risk taking the room back if we had the most high-value hostages in the world" interjected Violin Man.
In Evil Bald Jack's absence during his recruitment mission, Vlad the Burner had left the facility to acquire transport for the team. an old 4x4 off-roader. They all got into the car and began to long drive to the UN summit. The event was being held in the NEC conference centre in Birmingham. Security was very, very tight around the centre, so the League abandoned the car far from the site. They decided that it would be best to sneak in. They first got onto the roof of the highest nearby hotel, upon which a squadron of snipers had been posted to overwatch the event. The Vacuumist tossed a Vacuum grenade at them, which detonated and ripped all of the air out of the area, sucking the soldiers into its centre, shredding their uniforms and ripping apart their bodies. The mangled remains of the soldiers flopped to the floor in a tight pile. Vlad picked up one of the guns out of a nearby supply great and took aim over the centre. The other five members of the team went back to the ground level.
They found an entrance around the back of the centre being used for the services and catering team to access the building. Evil Bald Jack patched his laptop into the camera network on site and made the cameras loop footage from earlier in the day, indicating to any guards watching the feed that everything was fine. They moved in on the entrance, setting Skinwalker Leon loose, who took the lead and killed the guards in their path, literally ripping them to shreds. They stopped outside the entrance, and Skinwalker Leon found a secluded area with a clear line of sight on the door from which he could ambush anyone going in after the team, and hide the bodies to not alert any further reinforcements.
The Vacuumist, Violin Man and the Smelter followed Evil Bald Jack into the conference, and each of them used their unique abilities to remove guards in their path. The Vacuumist imploded them, The Smelter used his new technology gifted by Evil Bald Jack to burn them into nothing, Violin Man played a certain chord that instantly sent any guards to sleep, and Evil Bald Jack conducted close-quarter combat, adding in brutal nerve strikes enhanced with a quick flash of lightning. The population of the room shrank from 79 to 4 within 60 seconds.
The conference hall holding the UN representatives was a square room with entrances on all four walls. each member of Evil Bald's Jack team was behind one of these doors, and in a synchronised move, they all flung their doors open at once and stepped into the room, blocking the doorways. Evil Bald Jack's side of the room was the door entering the stage, allowing him to step through and into the middle of the room, with all eyes on him.
"Gentlemen! Ladies! Honourable delegates! I regret to inform you all that you are now hostages of the League of Evil Balds! You will find that no security will be coming to help you, they are all dead. If you would be so kind as to move into a nice and small group in the middle of the room, none of you will die!" he shouted
A hushed panic spread across the room, which turned into screams of terror when the remaining guards inside the room made a run for Evil Bald Jack, but they were all put down in a matter of moments by Violin Man, who projected an energy bolt into each of them using his violin before they took more than three steps each. When the hostages were all herded into the middle of the room, The Smelter moved to each of the doors and welded them shut, leaving only the door behind Evil Bald Jack available. While he did this, The Vacuumist approached each of the hostages and fitted a device on each of them.
Evil Bald Jack once again pulled out his laptop, plugged it into the mainframe in the conference room, and connected them to the world outside, granting them access to the cameras in the room. Evil Bald Jack prepared to address the entire world.
"Attention people of Earth! I am here to give you a choice. Observe how easily I have taken control of your most valuable elected leaders, and how I did so without the outside world even noticing. In a matter of moments, the door behind me will likely be stormed by armed soldiers, however before doing so, they should know about the little devices I have had fitted to each of my hostages. Observe"
He pressed a key on his laptop, and the devices secured to the representative from the Vatican began to beep. After 5 seconds, the device exploded, and then instantly imploded, sucking back in all of the energy and collapsing the politician in on himself, and killing them. The rest of the politicians began to scream.
"SILENCE! As you can see each of your representatives is fitted with one of these devices. I am giving you, people of the world, 5 hours for your governments to pledge allegiance to me, which will end all wars internationally, and finally achieve world peace. Any country which I do not hear back an agreeable result from will first have their delegate executed, and then their country infiltrated and meticulously deconstructed brick by brick, and wiped from the map within a day. Know that my resources are vast and my patience is not."
He cut the transmission and closed his laptop. Violin Man looked shocked.
"What did you just do?" he asked
"I won. Now watch that door, It'll only take them a few minutes to realise that a room full of politicians isn't worth the freedom of the world."
"Of course it isn't, I could have told you that at the base? was the his whole thing a fucking suicide mission? Choose your next words carefully, now that I have my violin, it won't be like our scuffle at the Asylum"
"We weren't trying to sell the idea to the governments. Of the past 3,400 years, humans have been entirely at peace for 268 of them. 92% of recorded history has been during wartime. No, the governments don't give a shit about world peace. We're selling this to the people."
Violin Man realised the plan and stood guard against the door, and sure enough, soldiers began to pile into the room, but before getting very far, their bodies started to pile high. After 30 minutes of slaughter, the soldiers were pulled back. Negotiations were attempted but declined, with Evil Bald Jack reaffirming his previously explained conditions. Eventually, he heard back from each of the countries. Unsurprisingly, no countries actually voted in Evil Bald Jack's favour. During this entire time, global social media had been abuzz with words of revolution, words of war, and the hope for final, definitive peace coming at the cost of subjugation. Evil Bald Jack brought the live transmission back online.
"People of the world. I am disappointed to hear that you're elected leaders have chosen to stand against me, condemning their colleagues and friends in this room, and eventually themselves, to death. I'm more than certain that some of you are happy to hear that your liberty will be maintained at the cost of your lives, however, the more educated of you will realise that your liberty was discreetly sold piece by piece before you were even conceived. The 1% who rule you're world do not, costly healthcare, mismanaged taxes, excessive military spending at alleged times of peace, military drafts of all your unfortunate sons, but never theirs. Never their children. No. No more. Today they begin to pay the price. Today marks the first day of the last war this planet will ever fight amongst its own people, and I urge the people of this planet not to fight it. Stand by and allow me to remove those who subjugate you socially, economically and politically. Let me win."
Evil Bald Jack then pressed a button on the remote he had been holding, and each of the devices strapped to the politicians began to beep in harmony. The feed went dark the moment the harmony finished.
"Now what do we do, they were our only bargaining chips?" shouted a panicked Violin Man
"We have completed all our objectives, our manifesto has been delivered, the fires have been lit, and more importantly, a worm has been installed on each of the computers the delegates brought. We now have access to every national government server that was in this room. We should go, now that there are no high-value hostages they'll have no problem drone striking this building" explained Evil Bald Jack
They all ran out of the conference room and out to the service entrance. There were tons of bodies scattered around with limbs missing. Skinwalker Leon jumped out from behind the bush preparing to attack but restrained himself when he realised it was his allies. Their car came to a screeching halt with Vlad behind the wheel, covered in blood, which didn't make sense as he had been keeping watch from a distance.
"Sorry, I got bored and kicked the shit out of a seagull" he explained
The League piled into the car and as they drove, Evil Bald Jack typed away at his laptop.
"What are you doing?" asked The Vacuumist
"The worm has given me a backdoor into each of the members of the U.N's national systems. It's a particularly aggressive worm, so it's gonna brute force its way into every corner of each of the systems. To save time I've got it to focus on ballistic systems"
"ballistic? Like nukes?" asked The Smelter in a panic.
"Nothing as large will be needed. I'm gonna send a few short-range missiles right back to their owners"
Evil Bald Jack had correctly predicted that a drone strike was imminent, but before the drone could get close, the worm had hacked into it, and its course was quickly modified to return to base and at full speed. Evil Bald Jack's plan had worked perfectly, every country already experiencing political unrest was shortly in a state of riot. Political infrastructure being ripped apart by the people, and revolutions happening around the globe. Even many of the world's more stable countries had been shaken by the attack, with a minimum of 60% of soldiers in each armed force refusing to attend work the following day.
The following morning, Evil Bald Jack began his conquest, flying from country to country, attracting more and more volunteers to his cause. Europe was his first target, he started with the most economically advanced seizing control of the UK and the EU within a day, shortly after this, every other country in Europe either pledged allegiance to the League, or they were stormed by the League forces, toppling the existing and installing a proxy, which reported to Evil Bald Jack. Cells in every country he wasn't in were able to carry out his actions remotely, toppling further governments.
By day 30 of the final war, Evil Bald Jack had full control of Europe's armies, and he began to move East. As the worm he had installed was still active in each government system, and the technicians were spread thin with the war effort against Evil Bald Jack, efforts to remove the worm had been fruitless, meaning that each system either had to be shut down permanently, rendering the countries long-range weapons useless, or they had to relinquish control of these systems to Evil Bald Jack and his forces, which would be used against them if they still refused to surrender. Each country the League conquered was only made stronger, with shared resources between countries, as well as the revolutionaries and the loyalist armies now being united under one banner. In some instances, countries had destroyed themselves and their own infrastructure in an attempt to slow down Evil Bald Jack, but these efforts were useless.
By day 40 of the final war, the league forces had reached both the Pacific and Indian oceans, and the global force was now an exponentially growing and unstoppable force. Due to the massive army against them, Oceania and South America were quickly conquered, with The Smelter leading the charge on Oceania as a form of revenge for the continent rejecting him, while Violin Man took South America. Once landfall had been made in Mexico, the final war had reached the world's final continent. Evil Bald Jack gifted each of the members of the league a continent. The Smelter was gifted Oceania, Vlad was given Asia, The Vacumist was given North America, Violin Man was given South America, and Skinwalker Leon was given Africa. Evil Bald Jack kept Europe for himself, and Antarctica as a holiday home.
By day 60 of the final war, despite all of their bravado and excessive military spending, the United States surrendered full control of their country to the League. Canada being the last free country in the entire world came to a peace agreement with the League, essentially becoming a self-governing puppet state, but still under the thumb of Evil Bald Jack and the League.
The final day of the final war was day 65. Evil Bald Jack declared victory and declared that there shall never be a war again, threatening grave consequences if this sacred decree was ever violated. He also declared that during this time of transition and reorganisation, a state of martial law should be placed across the world to prevent any further conflict. He had won. He had convinced the world to conquer itself, and all he had to do was offer the chance at peace. He had made the realisation that although many people claim they would risk having to go to war for peace, in actuality human nature meant the reverse. Most people would risk having to be at peace for the chance at war, and this savagery is what had allowed him to win.
Throughout the last two months, Bald Leon, Bald Ben, Gerkin and Bald Jack had been chilling out and had not noticed the international revolution until the state of martial law was imposed, the announcement of which had tragically interrupted the 7:30 showing of Emmerdale.
"Right! That's it!" shouted Bald Leon
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