THE DISASTROUS TALE OF THE BALDS.
CHAPTER 2: THE AGENCY
The trio of bald freaks were on their way back home to Bald Jack’s house after stealing a tin of coke from the pound shop. Bald Jack was being dragged along the ground by Bald Leon, as he had yet to regain consciousness. Bald Leon was carelessly dragging him along, not paying attention to bumps in the road or the curbs bald Jack kept bumping his head on, or the pile of broken glass he dragged him through. As they reached the end of Bald Jack's road, he began to regain consciousness.
“Ughhhh” he moaned dazed, “Bald Leon? You can drop me now, I’m awake”
Bald Leon took his words literally, dropping his leg carelessly without saying a word. Bald Jack climbed to his feet and hobbled the rest of the way home, but as the trio arrived they saw a black car with tinted windows parked outside, and as they got closer, a man stepped out wearing a slick black suit and sunglasses, with a distinctive, tanned, shaved head.
“Bald Leon? Bald Ben? And I assume Jack Smith?” Asked the stranger
“Who’s askin?” Replied Bald Ben
“Agent Michael Davidson. I’m with the agency” replied the stranger
“What agency?” Asked Bald Jack
“I’d tell you but I’m afraid that it’s classified intel” replied Agent Davidson
“Well what do you want then Bald Michael?” Asked Bald Leon
“Oh I’m not a Bald. My organisation and I are well aware that being hairless doesn’t make you a bald, giving you all the powers that Bald brings. That’s why I addressed your friend as Jack Smith, he isn’t a bald” elaborated agent Davidson
“Hardly anyone knows that, not even all the balds know that! Why are you so wise in the ways of the bald? Are you monitoring us?” Demanded bald Leon
“Let’s just say my boss has taken a keen, personal interest in the Balds. I’d be more than happy to bring you to him so you can talk it over in person, in fact that’s what I was tasked with. There are looming threats that neither of us can fsce alone. What do you say gentleman? Want to help us save the world?” explained agent Davidson
“Nah” said Bald Leon, before walking past Agent Davidson nonchalantly and using his key (his foot) to unlock (kick in) Bald Jacks front door.
“Yeah, fuck off” replied Bald Ben before walking in the direction of his own house, as he got a few metres down the street he turned back around “BYE BALD LEON! I’LL BE OUT TO PLAY AFTER MUMS MADE MY DINNER”
Bald Leon stuck his head out of an upstairs window and shouted even louder “OKAY BALD BEN I’LL SEE YOU AT THE PARK AT 5!”
Bald Ben was now in a different post code, but still felt he had to reply, he shouted back at a volume loud enough to not only break, but make a mockery of noise pollution laws “IT’S A SCHOOL NIGHT MUM SAYS I HAVE TO BE BACK FOR WHEN THE STREET LIGHTS GO OFF SO DO YOU WANT TO MEET AT 4 INSTEAD?”
Bald Leon replied at a volume so loud it would kill a small animal “YEAH THATS SOUND!!!!!!!”
He then closed the window he was shouting from which had no cracked due to the vibrations, while Bald Ben turned around and continued to walk home.
“Is that normal?” Agent Davison asked Bald Jack
“What?” Shouted a now partially deaf Bald Jack
“Never mind. here, take this card in case your friends change there minds” offered Agent Davidson as he passed him a thick business card
Bald Jack carefully placed the card into his wallet to keep it nice and straight and not upset Agent Davidson, who had now gotten into his car and began to drive away. Bald Jack went into his home that he was no sharing with Bald Leon and decided to get on with the house work and inspect the damage Bald Leon and Bald Ben had caused. He walked into his hallway and examined his banister-less staircase, Bald Leon and Bald Ben had broken that when they were sliding down his stairs and tried to do it at the same time, cause Bald Ben to be catapulted sideways through the struts of the handrail and roll the rest of the way down the stairs, knocking over the rest of them as he went.
He then wandered into his kitchen to find it caked in a thick layer of grime. Bald Leon had decided to start up an internet cooking show the night before and it hadn’t gone well. He had tried to make a traditional dish from his childhood, rock soup, but Bald Jacks blender had shattered shortly after Bald Leon had added all of the ingredients into it, covering the room in the thick layer of grime that Bald Jack found out on closer inspection, was tiny shards of glass, rock and vegetables.
Bald Jack moved into his living room which appeared relatively tidy, he sat on his couch before realising that the remote was missing and like most things in his house going wrong, was likely the result of Bald Leon and Bald Bens escapades. He got up to turn on the TV manually to find it on an adult channel, he began to panic, fumbling with the buttons on the TV to change the channel while averting his eyes to not watch the sinful programs. He eventually gave up and turned off the TV, deciding to just go to bed after such a long exhausting day. As usual he found Bald Leon asleep in his own bed, so he set up the guest air mattress so that he could get some sleep. While he slept, Bald Leon got up to meet Bald Ben and didn’t return for several hours.
When Bald Leon did return he demanded Bald Jack get up to make him his favourite supper, chicken tenders. Bald Jack prepared the food and decided it would be a good time to talk to Bald Leon about Agent Davidson’s suggestion.
“Bald Leon? If there really is some great big threat looming, wouldn’t it make sense to help someone who can help us stop it?”
“Listen, Bald Jack, I have a really good reason for not wanting to help anyone but me”
“Well, what’s the reason?”
“Don’t wanna”
“Well forgive me for saying this Bald Leon, cause you know I’d hate to be rude and upset you, but that’s not a very good reason at all!"
Bald Leon responded by delivering a left hook across Bald Jack's jaw, flooring him. Bald Jack begin to cry as Bald Leon walked to the window and dazed off into the distance, contemplating what he should do. Bald Jack was right of course, if there was danger approaching it would be wise to take the first move, but Bald Leon really couldn’t be bothered. Reluctantly, he decided that he would in fact go to the agency first thing in the morning. Right after he’d been to the shops. And for a round of golf. And a few pints in the pub.
And then a chippy.
“Come on then, on your feet” Bald Leon demanded of his floored friend, still writhing in pain.
Bald Jack slowly clambered to his feet, and then he and Bald Leon hastily ran to the Agency as fast as they could (after the shops, golf, pub and chippy of course). They hopped into Bald Jack's pride and joy, a new car that he had bought for over £9000, a 2001 Suzuki Alto (pictured below)
"Bald Jack, that is an absolute fucking shitbox of a car"
"Well ermmm your entitled to think that Bald Leon, but that right there is my pride and joy" he said as the rear bumper fell off.
They drove to the location that the Agency had given them, a warehouse in the middle of a seemingly deserted industrial estate. There was one man in the area, a lone security guard at the front gate.
Bald Jack pulled up to the security gate and shouted over at the guard "excuse me sir? we are looking for the agency"
"can I see your security pass sir?" asked the guard
"security pass? I... I don't have one!"
The guard pulled out a pistol which had previously been concealed, and pointed it directly against Bald Jack's temple, he began to shout into his radio "This is main gate we have an infiltration in progress, I repeated we have a no pass enquiry who knows about the agency"
A series of gun turrets emerge from concealed spots in the ground and on the warehouse itself, and all of which point to Bald Jack's Suzuki, indicated by lasers from each of the weapons. As this happens, a series of jeeps, several of which also with mounted turrets, also pulled out of the warehouse. In a very short amount of time, a small army had appeared in this little courtyard, and they were all targeting one vehicle.
The guard on the gate had stepped back from the car behind cover and began to bark orders "FIRE ON MY GO! READY? AIM! FI-"
"HOLD FIRE! HOLD FIRE!"
Michael Davidson walked out of the warehouse, pushing the guns of any soldier still pointed at the car to the floor. "THESE MEN ARE MY CONSULTANTS!"
He approached the car and stuck his head through the same window that the security guard had just moments ago shoved his gun through, as he leaned in he looked to a petrified Bald Jack and asked "You guys all good?"
Bald Jack remained silent as Bald Leon leaned through the gap in the seats as he was sat in the back "fine thanks."
"ok good, let's get you guys into the facility". Michael waved up the gate as the men stood down and the turrets retracted back into the building and floor.
Bald Jack snapped out of his shock as he began to pull into the warehouse "I think I shat myself"
they moved into the building and parked on a large metal plate, Michael stood next to the car, and the plate began to sink into the ground. It was an enormous elevator, which was taking them down into the real agency. Once it reached the bottom of the shaft, Agent Davidson direct them to drive into a nearby parking space.
"Gentleman, Welcome to the Agency"
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