THE DISASTROUS TALE OF THE BALDS
CHAPTER 1: IT'S A BALDS LIFE
It was a sunny day in the city of Chester, England. Bald Leon, Bald Ben and Bald Jack had decided to make use of the wonderful weather and had wandered into town in search of adventure. And more importantly, a tin of coke.
Bald Ben, the shortest, fattest member of the trio, trailed behind the other two, dragging his feet behind him, exhausted from the 5-minute walk from Bald Jack's house. This was already 5 times as much as his usual daily exercise and he was definitely feeling the effects
“Bald Leonnnnnn, are we nearly there yet?” He complained
“Yeah now pick up the pace you fat fuck” replied Bald Leon, the tall and well-dressed man at the front of the group. Bald Leon had grown more irritable in the time since their last adventure, battling Violin Man, and he felt that he now lacked purpose. His life thus far had been none-stop action, at first in caveman times, where he was respected as the most intelligent being on the planet. Then later, when he was defrosted in the modern age, he was instantly pushed into adventure, trying to escape violin man, collect the forever pebbles, and save himself and his newfound friends. But since that day was won, Bald Leon had been struggling to find what to do, this new time was like a new world that didn’t care how brilliant he was. He wasn’t revered as he once had been, and the idea of earning a living by working sickened him. He’d almost gotten his GCSEs at least meaning he could soon be a forensic physics teacher, the job of his dreams. But for now, at least, he was out of a job, relying on Bald Jack's never-ending generosity and goodwill.
Bald Jack was by no means a rich man, the ex-reporter had to work countless jobs to fund his friend's frivolous lifestyles, working brutal hours in horrible conditions, and despite the constant work, there was rarely much money left for himself, and most of that was sent to his ex-wife for child support payments. Bald Jack had recently gotten back from a job working on an oil rig for 6 months and had decided to meet his friends and have a day out and that was why the trio were walking into town.
“Say errr Bald Leon? What shop are we going to first?” Asked Bald Jack.
“Pound shop” Bald Leon replied abruptly. Although he lived off of Bald Jack's generosity, Bald Leon was still reluctant to show him any sort of compassion, in fact, he rarely even thought of him as a friend, more a necessary annoyance, so he tried to keep conversation with Bald Jack to a minimum.
The group finally arrived at the shop and walked in through the air-conditioned doors. They all gawked at the fridge holding the item they all desired, a tall, thin, glistening tin of coke.
“Wowwww!” they all gasped in unison.
“So how many tins of pop can we get with your money today Bald Jack?” Enquired Bald Ben.
“Well hmmm let me see here so umm Bald Leon has taken a few thousand already for that project he’s working on. I sent you the money for your bus ticket and then also for your taxi fare to your bus stop, it sent a few hundred to my kids, then we have all the streaming services you guys use, that’s about £200 each so that leaves me with…… £1.14p” stated Bald Jack.
“That it?” Asked Bald Ben
“That’ll only get us one tin! Why didn’t you work a double shift on the oil rig you lazy bastard!” Shouted Bald Leon, chastising Bald Jack for his inability to work 20-hour days, every day, for half a year.
“You’re right Bald Leon, I’m sorry, but the foreman took me off of those shifts after I passed out operating the drill” explain Bald Jack
“So you’re lazy and you sleep on the job?” Asked Bald Leon, disgusted. Bald Leon then grabbed Bald Jack's credit card and the tin of coke, before marching off to the till. Bald Jack hung his head in shame and followed him, dragging his feet, but Bald Ben waited.
He looked around for security cameras watching him, and to his delight, there weren’t any. He then scanned the aisles around him for customers. Empty. He picked up another tin of coke and slid it into his pocket, and began to casually walk away while innocently whistling. The perfect crime.
He caught up with his pals queuing to pay for their drinks. “What a bunch of schmucks,” he thought, giggling to himself. Bald Leon finished with Bald Jack's card and began to walk out with his friends. As Bald Ben reached the door, an alarm started blaring, and a metal portcullis fell in front of the door, preventing the trio from leaving.
“Uh uh,” said Bald Ben
Suddenly 20 security guards wearing riot gear began to flood into the checkout area, as the sales assistants ducked under the counters. The security surrounded the balds, armed with tasers and riot shields.
“You are all under citizens arrest for attempted theft” shouted one of the guards
“Woah Woah Woah guys, there’s got to be some sort of a misunderstanding here, we just paid for this drink fair and square! Here let me show you the receipt” explained Bald Jack whilst approaching the guards.
Before Bald Jack could get to close the stinger of a stun gun hit him in the chest, electrocuting him and briefly paralysing him, knocking him to the ground.
“You can either surrender peacefully or be subdued” shouted the leader of the guards.
Bald Ben made his intentions clear, by throwing his stolen tin of coke directly at the guard, shattering his protective vizor and knocking him out. The rest of the guards all charged forward in unison, closing in on the remaining balds. They attempted to use their stun guns on Bald Ben as they had done Bald Jack, however, Bald Ben was too fat for the stun gun to be effective as his layers of flesh prevented the electricity from passing through. Bald Leon had used his super-speed to quickly outflank the guards and was now attacking them one by one from behind.
Many of the guards fell quickly, and those who did put a fight may have lasted longer, but still had no chance of stopping Bald Leon and Bald Ben. After a mere 2 minutes of fighting, there were only 5 guards left standing, and all of them had given up on arresting the Balds and were simply trying to defend themselves. Bald Leon and Bald Ben systematically began beating them up, sometimes taking their wallets too, just for the fun of it, until one solitary guard was left. The Bald duo stood over him as he cowered, literally pissing his pants
“Fuck this,” said the guard before charging for the door, hitting the button to raise the portcullis, and sliding under as soon as there was a gap large enough for him to slide under, as the gate continued to rise.
Bald Leon grabbed Bald Jack's ankle and began to drag him out of the shop, whilst Bald Ben waddled back around the shop and grabbed another two tins of coke.
Elsewhere…
“New footage just made the news sir, looks like it’s some of the archetypes”
“Are we sure it’s them this time”
“Absolutely sir. The satellite detecting bald energy readings going off the charts at the same approximate location”
“Excellent, it’s been so hard to locate them, we need to bring them in so they can gather the rest”
“What’s our plan of action sir”
“Deploy agent Davidson to intercept them”
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