THE MAGNIFICENT TALE OF THE BALDS
CHAPTER 15: JOURNEY TO THE CENTRE OF THE MIND
"So tell me more about this Violin man," asked Julian Alatosh
"He's a real knobhead. He's from the future and he came back in time to kill me and my friend Bald Ben, but he went crazy and is now on a quest for power by collecting all of the forever pebbles, then he will use them to kill us and take over the world or something, basically, just want's to prevent his own future" explained Bald Leon.
Dog Lead Man raised his hand to ask a question "How many pebbles has this bellend got so far then?"
"2, The Warrior pebble, which he stole from Julian's dad when he killed him, and the time pebble, which my dad give him to come back to this time" Bald Leon continued
"So by my birthright, the warrior pebble is mine correct?" Questioned Julian.
"No human should possess a forever pebble. They're far too dangerous, look what the time pebble did to Violin Man, making him crazy and forget about his mission to kill us" Said Bald Leon
"Not to mention that the Warrior pebble forced your dad to spend the whole of his life risking everything in a warrior pit. He could have become an accountant or a hairdresser or anything instead, but the pebble made him do that" Interjected Slider.
"Hmm, I suppose you are correct. Regardless, Violin Man cannot be allowed to keep them. You say that you walked here from the North of England? That must have taken you days. I suggest we all go back to your home and regroup everyone who can help us kill this Violin Man. There is no way I'm walking either, Dog Lead Man is a qualified pilot, so he will fly us back in my helicopter" Said Julian.
"I'll head up to the roof now and get the chopper ready boss" Said Dog Lead Man before leaving the room and heading up the stairs to the roof.
"That gives us some time to re-arm ourselves, I'm sure this Violin Man won't go down without a fight" suggested Julian.
He pressed a button on his desk, revealing that a painting behind the desk had actually been a façade and was actually a door into a hidden vault. The trio of Bald Leon, Julian Alatosh and Slider Johnson all entered the vault and looked upon the racks of weapons. Julian quickly got to work picking up a compound bow, his weapon of choice, and two quivers of arrows, one full of standard arrows, and the second full of "trick arrows" with a variety of purposes. Bald Leon didn't need to arm himself with anything, as the only weapon he was interested in using was his sword. He decided that since he now knew he was worthy of wielding it, it deserved a name. He settled on "Rahabbi's Retribution" a name to honour the fallen warrior and a warning to Violin Man that vengeance for Julian's father was coming. Bald Leon found a sharpening stone in the armoury and got to work sharpening the slightly dull blade, making it sharper and more lethal than it had ever been before. Slider also didn't really have anything to prepare himself with, as he usually just fights with his fists and sliding ability, so instead of arming himself, he took one of the kit bags that Julian kept out, and began to fill it with as much valuable weaponry as he could carry, under the guise of being the "Supply man" for the team, when really he was going to attempt to sell the gear when no one was looking.
The group headed to the roof to find the helicopter already operational and the doors wide open. They all climbed inside and began to fly North.
"This your guys first time in a helicopter?" Asked Julian.
"YEAH" shouted back Slider
"What about you Bald Leon?"
"What? oh Nah, I invented these back in caveman times and they worked much better" explained Bald Leon
"How is that possible? This is literally the best, most luxurious, most comfortable and most expensive helicopter money can buy! The military doesn't even have this tech yet." whinged Julian
"Don't know what to say, buddy, It's just a bit shit" said bald Leon.
Julian sulked for the duration of the flight after Bald Leon's comments. Julian was very proud of his accumulated wealth and assets, and anyone questioning them or belittling him usually resulted in them being fired and sometimes put in prison, like Mark the manager. Unfortunately, Bald Leon and Slider were some of the first people Julian had met in a long time who either weren't on his payroll or people he could put in prison, they were just too valuable to him. Dog Lead Man filled the void by chatting to Slider and explaining his life story.
"Well basically I was born in 1900, and for some reason, I just don't age" He said while munching on a carrot.
"That's mad that lad. But why use a Dog Lead as a weapon?" asked Slider
"Well it just made sense with me being named Dog Lead Man" he explained
"Wait so you didn't take that name after adopting the weapon" questioned Slider
"No that's what my mum named me. We all had weird names back then" Dog Lead Man explained.
The flight continued and as they got closer to the North, Bald Leon asked Dog Lead Man to head slightly west towards the North West of England. He directed him to Bald Jack's house so that they were hovering directly above it.
"Are you sure he won't mind us landing on his roof?" asked Dog Lead Man
"Yeah just go ahead and set her down" Bald Leon persuaded
Dog Lead Man shrugged his shoulder and set the helicopter down on Bald Jack's house roof. The roof tiles were flung from the room, shattering on the ground. As the rotor blades shut down, Bald Leon climbed down from the roof, dropping to the ground and carefully bending his knees as to not hurt himself on impact. He knocked on the door and waited for Bald Jack to answer.
"Hi Bald Jack I'm back from... Who the fuck are you?" Asked Bald Leon
Bald Jack's ex-wife had answered the door in her dressing gown, having been woken up by the helicopter landing a mere few feet above her bedroom.
"What the fuck are you doing landing a fucking chopper on my roof? Why are you asking for Jack as well? He doesn't live here anymore I kicked him out!" She shouted
"Oh... ok well we're going to leave the helicopter parked there, you know how parking is round here hehe" He chuckled to himself
He called the trio left on the roof down to the floor, they all carefully climbed down the drainpipe. Bald Leon led them down the road towards Bald Ben's house, ignoring Amanda shouting and screaming about the destruction of her roof. They walk a few houses down the road and hear someone "psst" at them. They turn to see it's Bald Jack standing in an alleyway, with Gerkin sitting on his shoulder.
"Bald Jack? What are you doing there?" Asked Bald Leon
"Well me and the wife are going through some marital issues at the moment, nothing to worry about, but she has kicked me out for the moment, and I was hoping to get my inhaler from the house but she won't answer the door. Do you think you could help me get it?" he asked
"No. No time for that right now Bald Jack. Gerkin! What are you doing out here instead of being in Bald Ben's house?" Demanded Bald Leon
"I am never going back to that disgusting fucking place ever again, Bald Ben is a horrible person and his family just ignore it. I can't believe you'd be ok with me staying there" Gerkin screamed.
"Yeah shut the fuck up you little fucking finger monkey you do as I tell you alright? Now come here, were going to Bald Ben's house, we need to regroup and if you refuse I'll squeeze you till your ribs come out your mouth" Demanded Bald Leon
Gerkin, knowing that Bald Leon probably wasn't joking ran down Bald Jack's arm and onto Bald Leon's shoulder, Bald Jack decided to follow too, despite no one really caring if he came along or not. The group of six then marched to Bald Ben's house and knocked on the door. Mrs Choo answered and was shocked to see the gang of characters standing on her doorstep.
"Oh hello, Gerkin. Hello everyone. Are you looking for Bald ben?" She asked.
"Yes Mrs Choo, is he home?" Asked Gerkin
"I'm afraid not Gerkin, he's gone oaks" explained Mrs Choo
"What the hell is 'oaks', is it even a place?" asked Julian, looking to Dog Lead Man to see if he understood, which he didn't.
"Oaks is short for Cheshire Oaks, it's a shopping place nearby, but everyone just calls it oaks. We better get going" Bald Jack explained to the Southerners.
The group made their way to the oaks by bus. Julian hadn't ridden the bus for many years and found it disgusting. He spent his entire ride staring at Bald Leon and Slider, as the first time he had come into contact with them they had destroyed a bus, so he felt it wise to monitor them. They arrived at Oaks and searched around for Bald Ben. Slider noticed that the drive-thru queue for McDonald's was especially long, so they sauntered over to investigate. They found Bald Ben standing at the front of the drive-thru queue, making his order.
"and then I want a large cheese pizza, and 15 big macs and a whopper and a can of lilt" He shouted into the speaker.
"I'm sorry sir, as I said earlier, we do not offer Pizza's or the whopper burger here, they are available at other places. We also don't serve Lilt. I can get you those 15 Big Mac's though! Now Please... PLEASE let that be your order" The worker begged through the machine
"hmm, No I don't think so, I don't want big Mac's if I can't dip them in lilt, I'll have to order something else." He said with a sigh
The car behind him started to beep in anger. Bald Ben just turned around and stared blankly at the driver, not reacting in any other way than staring into their soul. He turned back and began to think of a new order, but before he could say it, the group searching for him walked over.
"Yalright Bald Ben" Said Bald Leon
"Yalright Bald Leon" Said Bald Ben
"You ordering a Mcdonald's, get me the wrap of the day please" Said Bald Leon
"No! There's no time for that come on, we need to get to a secure location" Shouted Julian
They all left the oaks, once again reunited, and headed to an Alatosh industries office in the nearby town. Julian commandeered one of the briefing rooms and got the staff members inside to clear out. Dog Lead Man and Slider unpacked all of the gear they had brought, while Bald Leon and Bald Ben picked out the comfiest chairs. Bald Jack tried to help anyone he could, and Gerkin made sure to keep his distance from Bald Ben. Julian had begun to draw on the board, plotting out the information they already had, and trying to formulate a plan.
"Ok, so Violin Man already has the warrior pebble and the time pebble, giving him manipulation of time and the skills of the greatest warriors of all time. You guys say that he hasn't beat you all in a fight yet even though he should be able to have complete malleability of the timeline?" asked Julian
"Yeah, I almost had him back in Dulak but he got the upper hand" explained Bald Ben
"That may be so, but with a portable time machine he should have been able to just erase you from the timeline, he's already proved that the timeline can be manipulated simply by being here so that either means he wants to prolong the battle, which doesn't seem likely, or he can't use the pebbles properly for whatever reason. That's a weakness that we can exploit" continued Julian
"right, but even if he has a nerfed pebble, he still has two pebbles, we need some of our own if we are going to stand a chance against him, all we have so far is the gay pebble, and we can't use that one properly either" explained Gerkin
"What other pebbles can we get our hands on" asked Dog Lead Man
"There's the desire pebble and the horny pebble. they're the only ones that have turned up on Earth yet" explained Bald Leon
"and these are as powerful as the manipulation of time itself and complete combat knowledge?" asked Julian in disbelief
"Absolutely. all the pebbles are equally powerful, so as long as we have more than him we can beat him" confirmed Bald Leon
"How do we get them then?" asked Bald Ben
"The horny pebble is lost, it'll take some time to find it, but the desire pebble is technically with us all right now. You have to go into your own mind and find the bit that makes you want stuff, then you can just get it from there. I did it once in caveman times when I wanted an RGB keyboard, but the catch with the Desire Pebble is once you've got what you wanted it'll start to disappear" Bald Leon explained
"Why don't we split into two groups then? Half of us go for the (and forgive my language) horny pebble, and the other half goes for the desire pebble?" suggested Bald Jack
"Nice idea Jack, Bald Leon can lead and pick the team going into their minds for the desire pebble cause he's done it before, and the rest of us will try and find this horny pebble" said Julian
"Alright, Bald Ben, Gerkin, and I guess Bald Jack. You're coming with me. I know a ritual that will let us all go into our minds and get the pebble at once, should reduce the chances of one of us wanting something other than beating Violin Man" said Bald Leon
The groups split up, with Julian, Dog Lead man and Slider going into one of the Alatosh industries research labs, while Bald Leon, Bald Ben, Bald Jack and Gerkin all lay on the ground, preparing for Bald Leon's ritual. They all join hands and follow Bald Leon's instruction, closing their eyes and counting to 30 before opening them again. They counted to 27 before Bald Ben let out a long, loud, wet fart, causing him and Bald Leon to stop counting and start chuckling. They restarted the count and made it to 30, and when they all opened their minds they found themselves in a strange space. There was no ground beneath their feet, no walls, no ceiling. It didn't feel like a zero-gravity environment, however, as they were all stood on something, despite the something they were stood on having an inconsistent height, allowing Gerkin to run around at eye level for the other three balds.
"What do we do now Bald Leon?" asked Bald Jack
"The easiest way is to get to the memories section, got to avoid any of your inner demons though, if you die in here you die in real life" Bald Leon explained.
"Wait really?!?" Asked Gerkin
"I don't know I just say that to scare people haha" replied Bald Leon
They walked for what felt like days. Then it felt like months. Then it felt like years. Then it felt like centuries. The longer-lived Bald Leon didn't feel these effect's, but Bald Ben, Bald Jack, and Gerkin were changed by this passage of time irreversibly, growing weary and bitter, slowly losing their minds.
"Bald Leon this isn't working. I've lost count of how many times I've said I don't think we're moving. We've always been able to see the memory centre, and it has not gotten one inch closer." complained Gerkin
"Wait!!!! I've had an idea!" Shouted Bald Jack
he took out his phone and opened the deliveroo app.
"That's a brilliant idea Bald Jack! Call Bald Ollie and he can take us there" Shouted Gerkin
Bald ben had grown mute over the millennia spent inside his own mind, traumatised by his own thoughts and actions, but when he heard Bald Jack's idea, he felt a glimmer of hope and smile for the first time in 5000 lifetimes. Bald Jack called for a burger King, and they all heard the bicycle bell ring behind them. They turned to see the first new face they had seen in a long, long time, standing there with his arm outstretched expectantly for a tip. They all climbed onto his bike with him and changed the order destination to the memory core.
"3, 2, 1. Close your eyes!" Shouted Bald Leon
"It worked! We're here!" Shouted an elated Gerkin
They got to the memory core, wheeling Bald Ollie with them who was still sitting on his bike. They found the thread of Bald Leon's lifetime, a physical representation of his memories and life. The part of his life he had spent encased in ice was indicated by that area being completely frozen. Bald Leon walked straight past the frozen section of the string to the caveman times part. He found the specific part of his memory where he had the forever pebble and peered into his own timeline, watching as the stone disappeared. at the last possible moment, he reached into his own past and grabbed the pebble, pulling it into his mindscape. He turned to the others, revealing his newly acquired forever pebble, the desire pebble.
"Ok, everyone gather round and touch the stone to make your wish," Said Bald Leon
Gerkin was the first to touch the pebble and speak "God I just wish we could get the hell out of here"
In an instant the whole group was thrown out of the mindscape, physically being pushed out of their own heads. they woke up back in the office. only 15 minutes had passed. They looked to the floor to see that their bodies were lying there, foreheads smashed open like a dropped vase.
"OH MY GOD ARE WE DEAD!" Shouted Bald Jack
Slider came rushing into the room greeting the quartet.
"Oh hi guys, did you get the pebble?" asked Slider
"Yeah, and Gerkin here the knobhead wasted his wish on getting us out when we could have just used Bald Ollie haha" taunted Bald Leon.
The effects of the lifetime spent in their own heads began to wear off as they readjusted to being in the real world, forgetting large details of what happened as if it was a dream fading in the morning, Bald Ben even regained the ability to speak. He grabbed the rock and made his wish.
"I wish I had an RTX 3080 to play Minecraft with," He said
"Good wish, better use than Gerkin who just asked to free us like a knobhead" congratulated Bald Leon
"What? He could have just wished to be rich and then he could have bought that anyway? how was that not a wasted wish?" Said Gerkin
"Yeah, whatever Gerkin. Bald Jack, it's your turn" Said Bald Leon
"No it's ok Bald Leon, Bald Ollie should go before me because without him we wouldn't have made it there" offered Bald Jack
They placed the pebble in Bald Ollie's hand, and after a few seconds, his other hand was filled with £17.65 in an assortment of coins and notes. This was exactly 1 penny over Bald Ollie's largest tip he had received prior. Bald Leon took the pebble back off of him, handing it to Bald Jack.
"hmm what to wish for. well, I guess I've just always wanted a hobby, like errr stamp collecting!" Said Bald Jack
Bald Jack's wish was granted, as a binder full of assorted stamps appeared in his hands. Bald Leon took the pebble, to make the final wish, the only wish that mattered. To wish the power to defeat Violin Man.
"I wish for a nice new three-piece suit," He said
a new navy suit appeared on top of Bald Leon's previous navy suit. it was complete with a pocket square.
"WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WISH FOR VIOLIN MAN TO LOSE, NOT THESE FRIVOLITIES!" shouted Julian who had just walked into the room in time to observe, but not prevent, the final wish.
He grabbed the stone from Bald Leon and did the work himself
"I wish we had the chance to kill that FUCKER, VIOLIN MAN"
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