THE MAGNIFICENT TALE OF THE BALDS
CHAPTER 17: THE STRAIGHTENER
"How is it up there!" shouted Bald Leon.
"WINDYYYYY!" Gerkin shouted back.
Gerkin was three-quarters of the way up a telephone mast, he was holding a long ethernet cable with his tale, and using his paws to cling to the metal pylon for dear life. He and Bald Leon were climbing this pylon to try and boost the signal on Bald Leon's phone so that his calls could reach deep space, allowing him to call his father and creator of the universe, The Master. Gerkin had been led to believe that this would be a team effort, but so far he had been the only one climbing the phone mast, unwinding the cable (which for him was very heavy), programming the phone to interpret the cables signals and for some reason Bald Leon had made Gerkin carry him part of the way to the pylon because he claimed to have a bit of gravel in his shoe. Gerkin had asked why he couldn't just take it out but Bald Leon had replied "don't be so stupid Gerkin, now carry me".
A sudden gust of wind forced Gerkin to lose his grip with his back paws (what would be his feet). Luckily his front paws had a vice-like grip on the pylon.
"Careful Gerkin! That ethernet cable is expensive" shouted Bald Leon.
"WHAT ABOUT MY LIFE! IS THAT NOT PRICELESS!" Gerkin screamed.
"cables worth more" Bald Leon whispered to himself.
Gerkin climbed the remaining height of the tower and plugged the cable in. He then slowly made his way back down, being extra careful not to fall. As he reached the ground he was once again greeted by Bald Leon.
"What took you so long Gerkin? We haven't got all day" he said.
"Sorry Bald Leon, it's just in case you didn't notice, I'm a fucking finger monkey so I struggle to climb human-sized structures" Gerkin explained.
"Poor excuse. Hate people like you, always looking for a handout" Bald Leon replied.
Bald Leon then turned to the control box on the pylon and opened the cover.
"oh look Gerkin, There was a port for the cable, you didn't even have to go up there hahaha" chuckled Bald Leon.
"oh look Gerkin, There was a port for the cable, you didn't even have to go up there hahaha" chuckled Bald Leon.
"WOW! THAT'S CONVENIENT!" Gerkin shouted furiously.
Bald Leon plugged the dangling cable into his phone and opened the contacts app, tapping The Master's contact details and calling him.
"Hello?" asked The Master.
"Hello The Master, it's me, Bald Leon. I need help with a situation on Earth. Can you get here in 1.954 seconds please" asked Bald Leon.
"Ok" replied The Master.
1.953 seconds later there was a crackle of lightning and a rumble of thunder. Gerkin looked into the sky, looking for the lightning, and saw The Master floating down to the ground from miles up in the sky. The Master touched down next to Bald Leon and Gerkin.
"What's up?" asked The Master.
"Basically, Violin Man is trying to get all the pebbles and almost everyone who was helping me stop him has buggered off. How do we stop him from getting the forever pebbles?" questioned Bald Leon.
The Master checked his watch. "no it's too late for that. By now he will have them all".
"What do you mean? We had the other two and we left them with... Bald Jack!" shouted Gerkin.
Gerkin ran up Bald Leon's arm as Bald Leon prepared to sprint back to his house with his super-speed, but before he could run off, The Master stepped in the way.
"It's alright. You think having the forever pebbles makes you unstoppable? I don't have any pebbles do I? and there's no way he could beat me. No, all him having the forever pebbles mean's is that it's going to be a hell of a lot harder for you to beat him. You're going to have to get your team back together, if you face him alone you will die. All you have to do is take the pebbles from him one at a time to beat him" explained The Master.
"But how are we meant to do that?" asked Bald Leon
"You will work it out. Good luck Bald Leon" The Master said as he began to float back into the sky
"Wait! We need more information than that!" shouted Gerkin at the rapidly disappearing god
"You got this guys!" shouted back The Master
Gerkin slumped over and sighed "What now Bald Leon?"
"let's go back to mine and get the band back together. Oh and kick the shit out of Bald Jack" said Bald Leon
Gerkin clung onto Bald Leon's shoulder as he began to sprint back to his house. They arrived in record time and found the wreckage that Violin Man had left, dozens of piles of dust and ash that were once SWAT policeman, Bald Jack's parole officer whose neck had been snapped, and Bald Leon's front door kicked off of its hinges. Bald Jack ran outside to greet his returning friends.
"GUYS! GUYS! VIOLIN MAN GOT THE PEBBLES. I TRIED BUT I COULDN'T STOP HIM!" shouted Bald Jack
"yeah, we know knobhead. and we know you just give them up as well" said Bald Leon before slapping Bald Jack around the ear, deafening him and flooring him with the searing pain.
"anyway, we need to get everyone back together, Gerkin, I want you to get on the phone with the London lot while me and Bald Jack try and get Bald Ben to be my friend again. Come on Bald Jack get up I didn't you that hard"
"You can't treat me like this Bald Leon," said Bald Jack with blood pouring out of his ear.
"Grow up Bald Jack, stop being a pussy" said Bald Leon
"NO! In fact, I'm out. I've been nothing but nice to you, and all I wanted in return was a bit of information so I could get my job back. get my wife and kids back. get my life back. and- and now I've shaved my head and I've been to prison. I'm not getting my job back with all that! My wife hates me, my kids haven't even noticed I'm gone! So you can face your violin playing assassin from the future by yourself. I'm going home!" he shouted at Bald Leon before turning around and leaving Bald Leon's house
Gerkin and Bald Leon stood in silence as they watched Bald Jack go, leaving a trail of blood behind him from his destroyed ear canal.
"He is right you know Bald Leon... You treat people horribly and expect them to do as you want" Said Gerkin Solemnly
"I'm a Bald, Gerkin. I don't do manners" replied Bald Leon
"Well, maybe you need to learn some.,. It's the 21st century, not the stone age anymore" Said Gerkin before he too left.
"What? Gerkin? Not you too! Gerkin? Gerkin! GERKIN!" Shouted Bald Leon
the tiny monkey walked down Bald Leon's path, ignoring his calls. When he reached the road he looked down at the trail of blood left behind by Bald Jack and began to follow it.
"GERKIN! IT'S CALLED CAVEMAN TIMES! GERKIN! COME BACK!"
The only response Bald Leon got as he shouted into the road was the wind whistling through the trees.
"Fine. I don't need them, Bald Ben will see sense, I just need him to sort all this out" Bald Leon said to himself before taking off with his super-speed in the direction of Bald Ben's house. He ran so fast he arrived 3 seconds before he left his house. He knocked on the door and awaited a response. Mrs Choo answered the door.
"Oh Hello Bald Leon. I thought you and Bald Ben had fallen out?"
"We had, I'm here to have a straightener with him, put our differences aside" explained Bald Leon
"Oh well, I suppose that makes sense. BALD BEN! Bald Leon is here to have a straightener!" Shouted Mrs Choo up the stairs
"Be down in a minute mum, I'm just finishing mastur-SHOWERING" Shouted back Bald Ben
"Mrs Choo you have a very quiet shower I can't even hear it running" Said Bald Leon
Bald Ben came down the stairs after 14 more minutes while Mrs Choo and Bald Leon waited patiently in the doorway, despite Mrs Choo offering Bald Leon to enter the house and have a cup of tea.
"Yalright Bald Ben," said Bald Leon
"Yalirght Bald Leon" replied Bald Ben. Bald Ben punched Bald Leon across the face as soon as he finished his sentence, launching him hundred of metres into the air and across the sky. Bald Ben then took out his phone and called an Uber to ferry him across to where he thought Bald Leon would land. 5 minutes later the Uber arrived, and after a further 7 minutes of driving, Bald Ben arrived at his destination, refused to pay, and left the cab in time to see Bald Leon land.
"ow" said Bald Leon
Bald Leon then ran at Bald Ben, the pair engaging in hand to hand combat. Bald Leon attempted to jab Bald Ben's stomach but found that the flabby belly simply repelled any and all of the damage, no matter how hard Bald Leon punched it, all it did was make Bald Ben chuckle. Bald Ben took the opportunity of Bald Leon being distracted by his rotund body to thump him on the top of his head. Bald Ben hit him so hard that Bald Leon sunk a foot into the ground, which wouldn't have been as significant if they had not been stood on a hard concrete floor, which had been cracked under the pressure of Bald Ben's strike. Once he recovered, Bald Leon grabbed Bald Ben by his leg, and with all his might, lifted him into the air and spun him around. He let go of his leg, launching Bald Ben into the thicket of trees, cutting through them as if he was a hot knife in warm butter.
Bald Leon walked over to where Bald Ben had landed, only to find him missing, as he looked around for his target he heard screaming from above, as Bald Ben had climbed up a tree and then dropped himself onto Bald Leon. Bald Leon was growing tired of this fight, so once he was able to break free from underneath Bald Ben, he took off at super-speed, but he didn't go very far. He began to circle Bald Ben over and over again, creating a whirlwind around Bald Ben.
Bald Ben gasped "The whirlwind sprint!"
Bald Leon got faster and faster, creating a vacuum at the eye of the storm, slowly suffocating Bald Ben, who eventually dropped to the ground due to the oxygen deprivation. However, before Bald Ben lost consciousness, Bald Leon slowed down, to a normal running pace before stopping completely. He stood over Bald Ben, offering his hand to help his friend up.
"pals?" he asked Bald Ben
Bald Ben stared up at his friend's hand. The only friend he had ever known.
"I'm sorry Bald Leon... but no. Things just aren't the same as what they were"
Bald Ben pushed himself up, without the help of Bald Leon. He gave his old friend one last look, a slight smile and slight nod, and began to walk home, leaving Bald Leon in the thick forest.
Alone...
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